Thankfulness

I write and speak about thankfulness often. Each night my children and I fold our hands together and say all the things we are thankful for, it is followed by a sweet little series of God Bless, where they bless everyone from “our one-eyed cat” to the homeless people we pass on the street. But lately, the truth is, I think my own thankfulness has become robotic and superficial, rather than deep and meaningful. It is a strange experience to feel like your greatest dreams have come true, yet with those dreams come a level of exhaustion and a slight feeling of being overwhelmed by how big and how important the task is, both of which can leave you paralyzed and ungrateful. Add to that each day there are many reminders of the horrors my children have lived with, horrors as I explained to my mum, that no parenting book prepares you for. Horrors which are suddenly right at the surface, being told to you as you drive the car, drop off at school or are making dinner.  And three weeks in it hit me when I suddenly found myself crying in the car, how much reponsibility I have riding on my own two shoulders and I finally admitted how vulnerable that makes me feel. And for the first time, I find it easy to see why people who have more challenges often become bitter; when you are exhausted and trying to hold your family up on your own two shoulders, it can be hard to listen to friends who complain they are poor, yet they have triple your income, own a home, are renovating their kitchen, just came back from a Cruise, are talking about where to invest this year. It can be hard to hear people complain about laundry, when they have a working washer and dryer in the next room.  It can be hard to hear people tell you you should go for  a massage because your neck is so stiff you can’t turn it and your shoulder is out, when a massage takes money away from your family’s needs and would require child care. And then suddenly, by admitting just how exhausted I feel and how wrong the direction of my thoughts are, I see light at the end of the tunnel, I remember it is OK to battle, like Paul continually reveals through scripture. And as I pray about it, I begin to see how far I and we have come and remember we are one day closer to life being a bit easier. And how each day gives me a whole new chance to make it right and begin again, this time leaving behind selfish thoughts, bitterness and guilt.

“I’m not what I want to be. I’m not what I should be. I’m not what I one day will be in Heaven. But I thank God I’m not what I once was” John Newton.

I’m OK. We’re OK. And despite being up 5-6x a night, a workload that is scary, a shoulder and neck that leave me yelping in pain, a communal washer/dryer, a feeling of constant sickness simply due to exhaustion, I can now honestly say I’m thankful. I’m thankful it is OK to face an emotional battle, it’s OK to admit you are vulnerable, it’s OK to ask God to help you put one foot in front of the other and it’s OK if for a time, that is all you can do. And with the deepest soul-filled gratitude I’m thankful for my children, my God and the fact my daughters nightmares seem to be over {for tonight} and I can now go back to sleep for another hour or so.

Today I hope no matter what battle you are facing, you allow yourself to admit it.

Posted in Faith, Finding Myself, Good For The Soul, Journeying, Making lemons out of lemonade, Sometimes life feels hard, Thankful Tuesdays | 28 Comments

A New Normal

This weekend for the first time [after 2.5 weeks of motherhood], things began to feel normal…

:: It began to feel normal to watch the clock at work and dash out to embrace my little ones who I miss so much each day, sometimes all I can do is shed a tear or two…

:: I read a wonderful article on Jimmy Carter [an exceptional man] and felt like for a moment I was able to concentrate on something other than who needs feeding, where the smell of urine is coming from and how high the laundry pile is

:: We ate beans on toast for breakfast, something I’ve not felt capable of making until now [let's ignore all the dishes shall we? we shall...]

:: I wrote a post for the co-op

:: I sat down and made a major to do list for work, home & family. And I didn’t get overwhelmed [denial helps ;) !]

:: When my mum tried to tell me it was wrong my children are being raised without tv, I stood my ground and gently explained that this is our normal and the right choice for us. Suddenly having to explain my parenting decisions made me feel like a normal parent, you know by being judged ;) !

:: Laughing, dancing and “I love you mama” became normal so quickly, I could never ever go back to not hearing those words.

I may not quite be ready for a Reclaiming Simple Sunday post, but we’re almost there…

Posted in About Me, Ma Famille, Motherhood, New Beginnings, Oh so Blessed | 15 Comments

Thankful Tuesday

First I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who left supportive comments in the last post. I don’t find the mothering aspect hard, more trying to meet everyone’s needs while working. But today already feels better than yesterday, though I’m not sure how since I’m more behind today than yesterday.

But today is about thanksgiving and I am thankful for…

  • The independent, fairtrade coffee shop on route to work which sells wonderful & healthy food. As we’ve been adjusting I’ve resorted to going there a couple of times for breakfast and dinner. Not only that but the lovely lady who runs it gifts me with at least 50% of what we order. She will never know how much her kind gestures mean.
  • My low expectations of the support people give adopters, particularly single adopters of older kids with special needs. While I wish my friends were the type to send adoption cards/acknowledgements, cook meals, offer some support, phone to say Congratulations, or selfishly let us use their washer/dryer, the fact I sat myself down before my children came home and reminded myself to expect nothing has really really helped me. We are a unit of three and that is A-OK, most days ;) !
  • The experience mentioned above which has made me really look at areas in my life where I don’t offer people as much support as I could. Hopefully this is a good daily reminder to me to keep my character qualities in check.
  • My children’s school – I know it is what they need for this year and is such a supportive, kind, loving and nurturing environment that I ache that not every child has access to it.
  • My mum who has helped me financially (see above), more than she should have!
  • My daughter first test at school where she scored perfect and got the bonus mark! She was so happy she cried and finally had something to demonstrate she can succeed.
  • My son’s first day at school which was great, although he has told me he isn’t going back…!
  • The medications which keeps my kids healthy & safe
  • Someone at work who did me a small favor (without realizing it) which gave me a massive break and made my day easier.
  • My friend Fitzy who helped me out in a major pinch a couple of weeks ago
  • My two amazingly wonderful children who waited for 3 years to be adopted, who never really got to see each other, but worried about each other; now reunited at last!
  • The scripture verse “Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28. Such beauty in a few words…

Wow, so so much to be thankful for! What are you thankful for today?

Posted in Adoption, Thank you to you and you and you!, Thankful Tuesdays | 21 Comments

These Days

It is Sunday evening and what I most want to do is cry, but I’m not yet there yet, or I’m too tired, I’m not sure which ;) I know so many of you would like an update, this is all I can muster for now…

These Days

  • I find myself saying things my mother said which I swore would never come out of my mouth {and wonder how many times I will need to remind them to eat nicely!}
  • I spend an obscene amount of time wondering why boys can never sit or stand still
  • I realize 1 + 1 child does not equal double the work, more like quadruple, thanks to the lovely sibling rivalry
  • I get daily reminders of the horrors of my children’s previous lives
  • I get days filled with laughter and joy
  • My daughter tells me I am her sunshine
  • My son lights up the room with his silly smile
  • I worry about how I will keep it together at work (both physically and emotionally)
  • I go all weekend without any adult conversation
  • We spend a lot of time hiking – mummy gets exercise, kids have fun {though they complain until we get there}
  • I no longer believe the perfect mother exists - I am certainly not her.
  • I spend a lot of time reflecting on all the mistakes I am making
  • I appreciate that my kids seem to still love me
  • I long for someone else to be here simply so I can do laundry or take the garbage out {right now it is all about laundry woes}
  • My major purchases are an ironing board & iron ( I gave myself 2 weeks grace to adjust. but now my children’s clothes will be ironed before being worn {typical Brit!})
  • I feel at home but do not recognize myself. or my body
  • I love two precious souls so completely it hurts…
  • I am so thankful to God for the gift of motherhood of the most darling two little ones, that I can’t even tell Him
Posted in About Me, Adoption, Family Expansion, Family Life, Motherhood, My Chlidren | 45 Comments

Motherhood

Joyous but exhausting

I can honestly say that is all I can muster right now! However, if you are offering any magical pixie dust which would magically do the grocery shop, deal with laundry (the wetting the bed kind of laundry), clean the house, complete my work, do the school registration forms, balance my checkbook {s.c.a.r.y} and walk the dog,  then I will definitely find the energy to say thank you ;) !

Posted in Parenting | 32 Comments

Wherever You Go, Dance…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices we make through life, the choice to embrace or reject, be kind or complacent, be j0yful or feel hard done by, the choice to drag our heals or dance. In two sleeps, baring any complications, I’ll be a mum. I will walk through the door of my home with my new family. And while I used to read blogs and desire to be this “perfect” being with all eco-friendly choices, home-made clothes, all home-made food, perfect photos and hand-made dolls, now all I wish for us is to dance through life together, by each other’s side in rain or shine. Nothing else is as important, nothing else matters so much. There won’t be time to do everything, in fact I’m 100% certain people who seem to accomplish more than humanly possible, aren’t. But in two sleeps all that will really matter is the most important things, including making time to dance each day…

Thank you for sticking with me during this reflective time, a time where I’ve needed to draw in and not reach out, a time of constant travel, meetings, hearings, decisions and most importantly getting to know each other without distraction. This has certainly been the most challenging season of my life, and in less than 48 hours a  brand new season will begin.

It’s going to be a good life, of that I’m sure…

In the words of one of my children this morning “two more sleeps mummy and then it is forever and no one can ever take us away because we will be a forever family. I’m so excited Mummy, I’ve been waiting for you to find us for a long time.” I’ve been waiting too my darling, I’ve been waiting too…

Posted in Adoption, Family Expansion, Family Life | 66 Comments

What I’m Reading Wednesdays

This week I’m reading The Hour I First Believed by Wally Lamb! It is an absolutely exceptional novel and a book I’ve been waiting to read for quite some time. I first fell for Mr. Lamb’s novels when I read I Know This Much Is True, which is in my top 10 favourite books, but sometimes when you read an additional novel by a favourite you feel let down. Not here. The book is, in a large part, about the tragedy at Columbine High School but it is about more than that, it’s about our history, our traumas, our relationships and the context in which we live our lives.

2011 so far, has been a year of great books!

What are you reading this week?

Posted in Things I Love, What I'm Reading Wednesdays | 26 Comments

New York Moments

It’s been a while since I blogged about my New York love, when I saw this today {on BBC World News no less!} I had to share. Only in NYC could it sound so sweet…

Frank Garry please come this way and serenade me! Join the queue bloggy friends, I’m first in line ;) !

Posted in All Things Bright and Beautiful, New York City Love, The Sweet Nectar Of Life

Simple, Green & Frugal Meals

I mentioned sometime last week that I was really trying to pull the reigns in and eat more healthily.  While I was a committed vegan and then vegetarian in the past, with my recent PCOS flare up, I had no choice but to eat meat again. It was a horrible thing for me to admit to myself, but the results speak for themselves. So while I can’t be a veggie right now, what I can do is commit to only eating meat which is ethically sourced aka organic. Eventually, when the rural homesteading life finally happens, I’ll probably purchase a share in a local cow, but for now I’m trying to find a happy medium to keep myself healthy, not put pesticides and chemicals into my body {a big reason to go organic with meat & dairy – especially when you have children, also organic is more carbon friendly}, while also respecting the animals and valuing their lives as deserving of far more than squalid conditions and a cruel death. All that is to say, you will see a bit of meat here…

Breakfast

Walnut bread with organic peanut butter & radishes {yes, I’m weird!}, organic strawberries and a couple of slices of dried apple! Vitamins too!

Lunch was a puree sweet potato, edameme, rocket salad {organic rocket,walnuts, dried cranberries, spring onions, sunflower seeds & goat cheese} and an apple on the side!

Dinner - a small organic medallion steak with 1/2 a potato in a tahini sauce, grilled organic local zucchini (courgettes), 1/3rd a fresh organic local tomato and a small rocket & watercress salad. Followed by some blueberries {not pictured!}.

And of course no meal would be complete without my trusty sidekick!

I just counted the cost of these three meals and it came to $4 about £2.50 for the day! More importantly, the meals didn’t go against my principles, while keeping me healthy and barely taking more than 10 minutes in the kitchen to make! Frugal. Green. Simple. My kind of food :)

What are you eating right now?

Posted in Frugal Food | 12 Comments

What I Won’t Compromise On

I mentioned yesterday I was keen to sit down and write a list of what I won’t compromise on when it comes to the simple life, I was inspired by my own post & the comments on the co-op about selling out, or not as the case may be. In attempting to do this, it was helpful to recognize what my simple living goals are:

1. To live by the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, faithfulness, goodness, kindness, gentleness, patience and self-control) – something hard to do when you are rushed, busy or focusing on material wealth.
2. Choosing to focus on that which is most important!
3. Living simply so that others may simply live!
4. Sticking to my value of choosing time & love over money.
5. Treading lightly to respect all life and the precious planet we live on

What does this mean practically? What things won’t I compromise on in order to make sure no matter what the temptations, I don’t choose money {building wealth or buying cheap} over the most important things?

1. Continue the Ne stle ban – to read why see here, there is also a good article in the Guardian. Companies targeting the poor, promoting a product that poor communities can not sustain and don’t have access to the resources needed to do it safely, is just inhumane and nothing I want a part of. 

2. Cooking most of our meals from scratch. I know that life sometimes gets in the way, so I say most and not all. I would hope that we eat 99% of our meals as something made not simply heated. My own goal is to have one meal a month “off”!

3. Use cloth instead of disposable in all areas of our lives!

4. Buy second hand rather than cheap & new – generally they don’t last and they are cheap because someones rights were violated {often children & poor widows working for pennies a day in squalid conditions}.

5. Buy whatever we can get fairtrade – the selection here is so so limited {it is scary since by far people have more disposable income} but what we can get, we will.

6. Avoid shopping in stores that have poor ethical practices or buying meat & dairy produced unethically!

7. Continue with a pestiside ban in the home, instead using baking soda & vinegar for everything!

8. Continue to avoid certain fast food restaurants which not only keep their animals in appalling conditions, but also target children through adds.

9. Going without so that we can give – continuing to give monthly, as well as whenever need arises! Three real blessings I’ve had through giving are: sponsorship of a cot through China Kidz {now called Butterfly Children’s Hospices} and watching a child go from palliative to being adopted, being a daily prayer warrior for Reece’s Rainbows children {isn’t Mark on the right hand side of this post a treasure?}, and watching lives being transformed through Kiva loans! It is far more beautiful to give than receive {unless you are trying to adopt ;) Joking. Kinda ;) }

10. Reflecting each day on whether my choices celebrated that of which I believe in so passionately and what my choices demonstrate to myself, my children, my God and the world around me. Did I choose the easy option or the right option? Were my choices reflective of the fruits of the spirit? All the while remembering tomorrow is another day!

Because I make far too many mistakes, far too often, I’m going to write out this list on a scrap piece of paper and stick it on the fridge. Sometimes it is so easy to do something without really thinking about the consequences, hopefully this is a gentle, little reminder. No one is perfect, I’m certainly not, but each day if you let it, provides promise of new hope and many new possibilities!

What choices do you make which you are unwilling to compromise on? What is most important to you when it comes to a frugal, green and simple life?

Posted in About Me, Be Part Of The Solution Not The Problem, Being Gentle and Kind, Fairtrade, Green Cleaning, Purpose Driven Life, Repairing Damage, Resisting Apathy, Show Love Always, Simple Green Frugal Coop, Simple Living and Reducing Stress, Simple Parenting, Simplicity | 10 Comments