Simplicity Lesson – Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Posted on December 30, 2011 by

A few weeks ago I was in the midst of a big fret. I was worried about my children not having family in their lives, not feeling loved by enough people and I was worried about emergencies – who would we call, how would we get help? You can plan all these things prior to motherhood, but until you are a mother, in particular of “older” adopted children, it is hard to really piece it together, especially as no matter who you are comfortable with, it will largely depend on who your children’s take to and feel at ease with.

I was in the midst of my big fret, crying one rainy night driving home from work & school and a voice whispered “just pray”. I said one quick prayer asking for a village to come together, my close friends to accept sacred roles as Godparents and a friend who my children have taken to, to accept being a bit of an honorary auntie.  I asked for people to care about us and identify us as their family, like we do them {it’s not a nice feeling to think you care/need people more than they do you!}

Less than a month later, I can honestly say I see our small and mighty village. There are my close friends Fitzy, her husband Mr. C and their baby (this very week Mr. C in conversation with his partner said we are part of their family as he hung my children’s picture on their fridge) who we enjoyed a pre-Christmas gathering with, a Christmas dinner on Boxing Day together and Fitzy is becoming baby-sitter extraordinaire one day next week. There is a friend from University who took my children out to help them make Christmas gifts for me, invited us for Christmas with her extended family, and is baby-sitting one evening next month so I can attend a work event! There are two friends from work, one of whom is a great mummy friend, is always always reminding me to call her if we are stuck for anything at all (and means it – she has the experience of being in Canada without family, having come with her husband and his father and wanting to desperately ensure we are not alone) and the other is a person my kid’s think hung the moon. Added to that, there are the internet aunties who care about us deeply, many of whom played a role in the adoption coming to fruition.

I said one prayer and something small yet profound happened.

We are not joined by blood
We are not joined by marriage
We are not joined by adoption decree
But we are joined in the ways that really matter, love.

As my daughter said the other day when I was talking to her about families coming in all different shapes and sizes, “Mummy, our family is just great, we don’t all live with each other and we sure do look different, but we really do love each other, don’t we?” That we do my darling, that we do.

Yet again, through my children, I learn a valuable lesson in simplicity – sometimes all you have to do is ask!

Posted in Adoption, Anxiety, Faith, Family Expansion, Family Life, Journeying, Lessons Learned, Love, Ma Famille, My Chlidren, My Daughter, New Beginnings, Oh so Blessed, People In My Life | 9 Comments

Things I’m Loving Right Now

Posted on December 29, 2011 by

:: Memories of reuniting my children after years apart {in our worst sibling rivalry moments, I hang on to memories of their reunion this summer lol}.

:: Time off work, with my whole department gone, so no real pressure to work {self-induced pressure I might add}, though I do a sneaky check in each day so that things are dealt with before I go back. But there is something special about time off when everyone else is off, it is like an imposed rest. And this Mama certainly needs it!

:: The knowledge I spent only $15 on Christmas gifts for my children {honestly!}

:: Seeing the gifts provided by others {most of whom were not in my life until 8 months ago} for my children.  Someone I don’t know even decided to be our Secret Santa. We were very blessed this year by people who heard our story and were moved by it. 

:: No pressure from school each day at pick up and no homework needing completing!

:: Knowing a massive thing I’ve been working on will be done by Friday night and I then have 4 full days off with my children no stress/distractions!

:: Hope I can establish a budget for 2012 that actually balances {will put it on the blog for accountability!}

:: Teaching my daughter to knit, with great plans to begin teaching my son this weekend!

:: My UCB Word of The Day. A lovely reminder of the beauty of scripture, just when you need it!

:: Seeing a village emerge! And yes, if any of our blog friends would like to be an auntie from afar, you would be ever so appreciated!  

What are you loving right now?

Posted in About Me, Oh so Blessed, Parenting, People In My Life, The Sweet Nectar Of Life, Things I Love | 24 Comments

The Assumption Everyone Has Money Part I

Posted on December 28, 2011 by

One of the greatest lessons from my downshifting journey, has been an appreciation that you never really “know” someone’s financial situation; there are people we assume will be “well off” based on their job title, education or family of origin, yet we never know when life circumstances, sometimes by choice, sometimes not, leave someone who we assume has money, without. One of my greatest surprises as a parent is how much school assumes the average family can afford.

My children’s school charges for an enriched (non-optional) gym program and any extras, I suppose like many schools do. So far the extras offered: skiing, skating, gymnastics, dance and a ball based program, have come to a total cost of approximately $750 (approx 450 pounds) per child. Needless to say, my little ones haven’t participated in all those activities (they have done dance and are signed up for the ball skill program in January), though for almost all, they were the only children in the class not to do so. In truth, I would have signed them up for none and only relented with two options so there was something they were involved in with their class. You see, they are already in a much more appropriate dance program {is it just me who would rather her child dance to an Irish gig than Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies with some questionable moves I don’t think children that age should know?!} and I plan to do a family ball based program with them {a far more affordable one} through our local recreation centre. Honestly, I’d rather be there to watch and cheer them on, despite school trying to sell the programming to me by saying “but parents love it, it means they don’t have to find the time to do activities with their children at the weekends”. Oh no, dear School, that will never “sell” me. Added to this, one of my children has a physical special need which means certain movement must be restricted and I’m genuinely not convinced is gently being reminded {the pain only comes after, so it doesn’t stop actions in time}.

The assumptions don’t end there, there was a weekend camping trip, 55 hours at a cost of $500 for two (why on earth 5-8 years olds need 2.5 days away from their family I will never understand!) which I stood my ground on and explained there was no way, with all the transitions and families my children have had, that in these early days it is appropriate for my children to be away {and I even checked in with our adoption social worker who heartedly agreed and gave me the evidence to back up my argument,  attachment experts say children who are adopted should not be away for even one night for a minimum of a year}. I explained and was certainly made to feel like a naughty child. I held my ground despite hearing that “I was holding back on giving them essential life skills that will only be taught on this overnight trip with school”. I held my laughter as I wanted to explain “essential life skills” are that Mama loves you and is here for you for always and ever, and that this home is for FOREVER, not another one of the 8 {for my daughter} and 14 {for my son}…

Then there are the requests: by Friday your child must have a red hat, brown sunglasses, black dress pants, a grey shirt, $20 to donate to a present swap, a brand new notebook, a collection of french books yada yada.

All this comes to a grand assumption that this Mama has a spare $2140 lyng around over the last three months. I most certainly do not and even if I did, I can honestly say, I don’t think any of what they “sell” is in my particular children’s best interest.

Here’s the truth, I don’t like the assumption that everyone has money for the extras, not because we personally don’t, but because I think having a lot of extras lying around means that there was a cost somewhere else. How many people will never adopt a child because they think they can’t afford it because their life is so filled with luxury extras? How many children are left 11 hours a day at school each day, while their parents work corporate jobs to pay for extras they will never enjoy with their children because they don’t have time? How many schools/administrators/parents mix up needs and wants and don’t understand the skills we can get simply by playing a game together, or going on a nature walk, or just singing songs. I think, yet again, money makes what could be so simple, become something far more complicated than needed. And for as long as I possibly can, I will shield my children in the best way I know: simplicity, communication about our choices and love, in abundance.

Posted in Adoption, Budget, Family Life, Frugal Parenting, Goodbye Jones', Inventing My Life, Lessons Learned, Ma Famille, Parenting, Perpective | 34 Comments

The First

Posted on December 26, 2011 by

I found key themes have thread through the month, themes which my children teach me again and again…

Simplicity – our Christmas was simple. No large tree adorned our home, there were few decorations (a fairtrade nativty set, a small wire blinking 3 ft tree, window stickers). We didn’t travel. We didn’t have late nights. We nourished our souls with rest and time together. We spent time only with those who are the closest to us. I learned as a parent children need simplicity and perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves, is to listen to these wise little souls {if only school would listen to and stop with the holiday hoopla – though that is a post for another day!}.

Build A Village – As I sit here on the eve of the 26th, I can see a little baby seat at my dining room table, accidentally left behind by my children’s godparents. I can smell the chili I made to feed us all. I am tired from our drive to a little city an hour away earlier today, where we visited friends from University. I can see gifts under the tree from friends who were so good to us. I have memories of a quiet Christmas Eve with someone my children adore and who is a new and unexpected person in our lives.

Accept Help – This is something I have long struggled with, but watching my children trust me enough to accept help from me, has taught me something valuable. It is a gift not only to help others, but to accept the same support from others in return. It does something special – it builds trust, friendship and well, a village. It makes one not feel so alone.

Give Thanks - There is always something to be thankful for. My children have taught me that again and again, even on their hardest days, they have no end of things they are grateful for. Expressing thanks is so often the easy thing to cut out after a long and weary day, but their little hearts are always ready, their hands always willing to be put together. Gratitude in abundance changes the direction of our lives.

This year was filled with firsts, the first time I heard someone call me Mummy, the first time I got to say “my daughter and son”, the first time I realized the power of the mother & child bond, the first time I realized I know absolutely nothing, but we will learn as we go, together.  Motherhood has given me more humbleness, but also more confidence; in a world where children are bombarded with values in direct opposition to mine, I’m able to have the confidence to carve out a life that looks different but feels right.  And oh how being their mother feels oh so right!

To everyone who helped us get to this amazing place of celebrating our first Christmas, thank-you. Our first only happened because of you! And to my darling children, here is to many many more Christmases together!

Posted in Fairtrade, Family Life | 14 Comments

Contentment

Posted on December 5, 2011 by

I want to preface this by saying my two children are by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and I could not ever ever imagine life without them, but lately I find myself struggling with fundamentally opposite emotions – on the one hand I am utterly and completely complete with the addition of my little darlings, on the other hand becoming a mother has opened a very real wound that I’ve long struggled with, intensified as we are so far away. The truth is, it is very hard not having family, no doting grandparents for your children, no sister to confide in, no fun uncle to spoil. And this lack of “people around the table” is hard practically, for example tonight my car’s battery died and there was no one to phone to help, so I had to make the very difficult decision to either abandon the car and get a taxi to my children (then travel back with them in the rain to the car at night an hour away from home), or wait for an angel in disguise to come to my aid, but risk being very late for my two littles. Or this weekend when I was sick, or when someone stole my cards & money and there was no other adult to help me figure out what to do, or just lend a shoulder to cry on. But harder than that, was when my daughter asked me if I could find her an aunt. Add to that there is someone she would looove to be her aunt but that adult isn’t particularly interested in taking on that role. Sometimes, it is challenging to not want more, more for yourself, but moreso more for your children. It is very hard to look around and see their friends with family and not feel sick with guilt that yours have less.

I’m giving you context because the reality is it would be easy for me to say “given all I have on my plate, it is OK to be discontent about this” but in truth, it was getting me nowhere. At every hurdle I was sad that there wasn’t more support in our lives, sometimes I would cry for my children and the truth is, the more I focused on it, the harder it was and the more distressed I became.

This weekend I read a few statements on contentment {I can’t remember where I found them originally!} and it helped me. The statements are below:

*Never allow yourself to complain about anything – not even the weather.
*Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
*Never compare your lot with another’s.
*Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
*Never dwell on tomorrow – remember that it is God’s, not yours

I think, while understandable, I have spent the last three months quite self-absorbed and in that state I became so focused on what we don’t have, that I was continually opening old wounds. I also haven’t been finding ways to help and support others, which means I was really and truly stuck in my own thoughts, desires and needs. And the pity party was getting me nowhere.

So I began this week resolved to stop thinking about the if only’s and to start thinking about where we are right now. I’ve also decided, however late it is, I’d like to try to get a Christmas Angel for ChinaKidz (now called Butterfly Children’s Hospices) up and running. The reality is, in China the big holiday is in late January, this is where the presents will be opened, so there is still time. I may not have the amount of time I did last year, but I have a heart willing and there is a need.

I don’t think I will ever be that perfect of a human that I will always be content, but by admitting I’m struggling and beginning to think about what actions of my own are adding to that struggle, I’ve begun to make some head way. It is easy to say how thankful we are, but contentment goes beyond that, it takes it to another level, a level God desires for us and a level I’m pretty sure does us good!

Posted in About Me, Be Part Of The Solution Not The Problem, ChinaKidz, Christmas Angel To An Orphan Program, Faith, New Beginnings, Personal Responsibility | 17 Comments

December Goals

Posted on December 3, 2011 by

I can hardly believe it is now December; over the last three months I have hardly blogged, I think because I haven’t felt like I’m capable of writing anything particularly profound, or moving, but I suddenly realized today, that maybe I should take the pressure off and instead just use this blog for what I’d like it to be in this season of our lives. And today, I’d like it to be a place I track my December goals!  So here are my 10 easy goals for December.

  • Read my Bible every day - even if all I can manage is a passage or two! I feel as a mother, I need this quiet “spiritual milk” more than ever before!
  • Read out loud from a Chapter book to my children each day and take the time to talk through the plot with them to increase their reading comprehension. Because of the chronic neglect they both suffered in their previous families, my daughter’s language processing delay and my son’s speech delay, it can be a challenge for them to articulate their thoughts and it makes people think they understand less than they really do; a little daily practice will help give them the skills and confidence they need!
  • Get the dishes done every single night before I go to bed! There is something about dirty dishes on the counter top, or in the sink, that sets a negative tone and makes me neglect other areas in my home, too!
  • Write and stick to a weekly menu plan!
  • Spend no more than $75 a week on groceries! I really wish it didn’t have to be so high, but both my children were severely underweight at adoption and so I happily spend on foods which are helping them gain weight and grow! Their last Dr’s appt, their Dr took one look at them and said they looked like different children – their faces had filled out, their skin was better, their hair was growing etc. And the great news is, they are now in the 5th percentile on the height/weight charts! It took a LOT of work to get them there, but so worth it. Yes, we can ignore the fact that 95% of children their age are bigger than they are ;) !
  • Drink 4 glasses of water per day – this hasn’t happened in three months. Bad me!
  • Take my children for a long trail walk each weekend.
  • Unplug every single Sunday. I’ve always taken a day to unplug but now that I have children, I really want it to be a day at the weekend. I feel like Sundays are so important, both in terms of a sabbath and in order to set the tone for the week and get everything ready for 5 very very full days. Sundays it is!
  • Finish reading Boundaries: When To Say Yes and How To Say No.  Motherhood humbles you and makes you see all the areas you struggle in that you don’t want to pass onto your children. There have been eight times in the last three months, where I should have stood up and said something  for the best outcome for my family, instead I was either silent or I didn’t define my/our boundaries. I’m hoping this book helps!
  • Go to bed every single night by 10pm & have my children in bed with lights out by 7:45 pm. I will admit right now my sleep is all over the place, probably 2 nights a week I fall asleep immediately after my children do, another two nights a week I’m up until the wee hours of the morning and the rest somewhere in between.  My big goal right now is to take all the learning about my children’s needs over the last three months and establish both a rhythm for them and a rhythm for me that helps me best meet their needs. And the reality is, I need enough sleep in order to be the best parent I can be!

Those are my 10 goals for the month!

In other news, we are doing great. We have a big month this month (more on that later!) but our days are filled with sunshine and laughter. My children are simply fabulous! :)

What are your goals for December?

Posted in Family Life, Frugal Living, Getting Healthy, Goals, Ma Famille | 14 Comments

At 7 am, Saturday Morning

Posted on November 12, 2011 by
  • I have been awake for two hours, though I’m not sure I’d define what happened between the hours of 10 pm and 5 am as sleep!
  • The dog has barked so much I have a headache {she’s excited about her new haircut!}
  • The dog has barked so much I’m sure the neighbours have a headache
  • I have counted 46 dishes which need washing
  • I have sent two work emails
  • My lovely daughter has turned “Saturday morning room tidy” into a “lets try on all our hair stuff” session
  • My darling son has had his first long session of tears {boys sure do wear their emotions on their sleeves!}
  • I have faced a serious craving for coffee, the good kind {fairtrade, with cream and sugar from a favourite independent coffee shop} but the thought of getting us all out in this cold with the endless buttons and zippers that need doing on snowsuits, means coffee will remain an illusive dream.
  • I have spent some time staring at a couple of Barbies and pondering what to do about the situation in my home I’m faced with, toys I fundamentally disagree with on oh so many levels
  • I have broken up a fight between one cat and one dog
  • The laundry pile has given me palpitations {pull ups do not work in our home = a whole load of bed sheets, plus pj’s and sometimes pillow cases that need washing daily}. As we can only do laundry weekends we are in a bit of a comedy situation!
  • I am taking incredible joy in reflecting on comments from three different people yesterday about how polite and well-behaved my children are. It has been a long journey the last 2.5 months of constant teaching, but it does work!
  • My wee boy is now singing – I love how emotions can change so drastically and how easily they can express them.
  • I am feeling an intense desire to go back to bed ;)
Posted in Family Life, Life Is Beautiful | 25 Comments

Menu Plan Monday – Family Edition

Posted on October 10, 2011 by

Last nights dinner - veggie thai green curry, rice, cashew salad, avocado & cucumber!

My first six weeks of motherhood included a scary food bill, I tried not to let it bother me because as I’ve mentioned before, my focus was on one thing and one thing only – survival! Over the last couple of weeks as we settled into “normal”, a spring returned to my step {though my email address has thousands of unread emails, so I’m not exactly totally “normal” yet!} and I’m ready to embrace menu planning again!  When I received my children, I was told my son only ate about 4 things, my daughter much more, but certainly was not on a diet that I would feed my child. I knew based on some of their special needs that diet was something that needed to change asap. I can tell you that apart from goat cheese and some hummus,  my children eat everything – quinoa, avocado, almonds, broccoli and the list goes on and on and on! I am so so blessed because apart from loads of gentle encouragement, explanations about how our taste buds need to get used to foods and involving them in meal preparations, I haven’t had to do any more! So this week will be our first menu planned week and so far it looks pretty good!

Breakfasts
Cereal with milk, 1/2 cut up banana
Almond butter sandwich, fruit  x 2
Beans on toast, fruit
Scrambled egg on toast, fruit
Cheese, yoghurt, fruit, almonds x 2

Lunch [they get lunch at school, so this week I only need to plan 3 lunches}
Tuna sandwiches, cut up slices of cucumber, peppers, tomatoes, fruit
Lentil soup, salad, fruit x2

Dinner
Vegetarian chili, rice, avocado, corn on the cob, salad, fruit x 2
Salmon, sweet potato fries, salad, green beans, fruit
Curried cauliflower and chickpeas, salad, peas, fruit  x 2
Alfredo spinach pasta, salad, squash, green beans, fruit
Homemade potato wedges, eggs, spring rolls, salad, tomatoes, fruit salad

I’m also going to make a large pear crisp!

And there you have it; wish us luck ;)

Posted in Family Life, Menu Plan, New Beginnings | 16 Comments

Making Memories

Posted on October 9, 2011 by

It is the little moments, when we are quietly reading a book or singing a song, that I see what is really happening – we are building a life, making memories, opening a new chapter. Most of my children’s stories don’t include me, yet; they are tales of a past… But slowly, ever so slowly, we have “remember when’s” we can all talk about and we enjoy fits of laughter that bring us together as a family, as we giggle about our antics, and oh our antics are grand!

Happy Reclaimed Simple Sunday from a joy-filled, guitar strumming, giggle producing family, who are about to go on a Safari hunt with their lion, aka pet dog!

Posted in Family Life | 9 Comments

Ha!

Posted on September 28, 2011 by

The post below (now removed) was written months ago and for some reason published this week?! No mention of my kids is a bit of a giveaway!

But I am exceptionally thankful this week, just too busy to get around to posting! This week has been a huge week for us as our legal paperwork is processed and we have concrete proof we are a family! I never realized how much I would appreciate seeing it on paper! And the thing I’m most thankful for? My two sleeping beauties, the loves of my life, who are doing SO well it’s INCREDIBLE! We have definitely moved from that strange adjustment period to functioning as a family. I love it!

Real posts soon, as well as some pictures! Happy Wednesday!

Posted in Uncategorized | 19 Comments