Keeping Home

Posted on May 13, 2013 by

One thing that has continually surprised me as a mother, is how quickly a very tidy home can look not so tidy. And yet, I also often think that one of the things I love, is seeing the signs of children in our home. But the truth is, I and they need a balance.

Good mental health is very very important to me, my children have so many risk factors {genetic, environmental and the special needs they already have, some of which themselves are risk factors for more serious challenges down the road}, that I think a peaceful, gentle home that gives appropriate expectations and logical consequences, with a whole lot of love, is perhaps the main goal for me each week. And while I parent with a much love and nurturing, I also expect them to work hard and behave well (though mornings like this morning often leave me scratching my head! ;) ). Part of what I’m noticing is good for them (and me! Ahem!) are chores, boundaries and a tidy home.  It is easier for my daughter with ADD to focus, when we aren’t surrounded by stuff. But it is a very challenging balance – having the home tidy, but not letting it take over your life and not giving it the time you should be spent reading, playing or just spending time with your children. 

I’ve been committed to making sure quality time takes us more space in our day than cleaning and tidying since before adopting. When you adopt you have to talk a lot about your own childhood, and one thing that was very clear to me (apart from the very important thing of my parents wanting their best for me) was that cleaning, organizing and the rest came before time together. I grew up in a home that was always tidy, clean and non-cluttered. Everything had its place and it was “ready for company” at any time. While I dream of the floors you could eat off of like my mother is so very good at, it came at a cost. And it isn’t a choice I can, or will, make. Having missed 8 and 7 years of my children’s lives, I’m not spending more time doing things that takes me away from them more than needed.

I’ve tried various systems, and I think I’ve finally found something that works for us. I’m building a rhythm around it and feeling like we finally have the balance we need – no house that is a complete disarray that will need a day at the weekend devoted to it, and yet, a house that isn’t so clean there isn’t always something that could be done and it hasn’t meant missing out on time with my children.

Here’s what is working for us:

  • The kitchen is fully clean before we leave the house in the morning – I try to do it at night, but I don’t leave the house in the morning until the dishes are done, counters/table wiped down and floor swept. Knowing I’m coming home to a clean kitchen makes all the difference and helps me keep the evenings organized {I’m working up to the kitchen being clean before I go to bed, but I’m not quite there! ;) }
  • The family room area (it is open plan) is also tidy before I leave in the am. This usually just includes wiping down the coffee table, straightening out the couch and putting away anything that is out of place.  I do this every morning, though my daughter helps 2x a week now (see below)
  • The children do their chores each and every morning, this means their own rooms are clean, the garbage/recycling/compost is out and our pets are taken care of.  This means I’ve been waking my daughter up earlier – something I didn’t want to do at first, but with her ADD and general way of doing things (s.l.o.w.l.y) it helps. I get my son up later as he zooms around in the am and creates a bit of chaos. He can accomplish his morning routine about three times as fast as my daughter!
  • I’ve increased their chores to include my daughter being responsible for making sure the couch is tidy {it is a mecca for accumulating books and blankets – we read a lot} twice a week and my son is just helping with an added chore depending on what needs doing.
  • I’m finding Saturday evenings I have a bit more energy – mostly because I’ve had a day off, so I’ve been doing a bit more of a deep clean then.
  • On a daily basis: the kitchen is cleaned, the cat litter is taken care of, beds are made, pets are cared for, the family room is tidied and the floors downstairs are swept.
  • On a weekly basis: 3-4 loads of laundry are done (not including my son’s sheets), the bathroom is cleaned (2x week), the upstairs is vacuumed and the house is dusted.

What I would like to fit in, is a more deeper level clean. When I’ve asked other mum’s/colleagues how they do that (washing floors, baseboards, washing out cupboards and drawers, washing the appliances (beyond simply cleaning the fridge) etc.), they all mention they have a cleaning service either weekly, bi-weekly or monthly {apparently it is a little known secret that a lot of people have help on the side! Who knew!}, that can’t happen at our house, so I’m still looking for a solution. I’m hoping as our rhythm becomes easier and fine tuned, I’ll be able to fit that in too.

The system is working, our home is for the most part pretty OK. No, it isn’t anything like the home I grew up in, but we have clean dishes, clean clothes, a tidy looking space I can relax in after the children are in bed and a place that reminds my children their chaotic life is over.

Posted in Get Busy!, Lessons Learned, reducing stress, Repairing Damage, Simple Living and Reducing Stress | 11 Comments

An Inclusive Mother’s Day.

Posted on May 12, 2013 by

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This morning we dropped off homemade cards and gifts for women in our lives. Those who won’t hear family and friends saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to them specifically. We did it because for me, and now for us, inclusivity, recognition and thinking of those who may feel lonely or not part of something, is important; so important, it is a bit of a guiding force.

I’m not ignorant enough to believe everyone should be, or wants to be, a mother, and not being a mother has absolutely no impact on your self-worth. But whether through choice or circumstance, sometimes reminders of what you aren’t, holds a little sting. And I worry, often in fact, that we place too much emphasis on our “roles” and not enough on the person, and their soul. So today I’m not specifically wishing certain people a happy mother’s day, but instead the women in our lives are being celebrated. From those who long to have children, to those who made the decision not to {or had it decided for them}. And we not only thank them, but all women, mothers or not, who help make our family complete, beautiful and celebrated.

To everyone reading this, may today be peaceful, gentle and kind. And to Kathleen in Texas and Judy in Oz who reached out to me like a mother in many, many ways, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Posted in All Things Bright and Beautiful, Being Gentle and Kind, Family Life, Hope, Letters To Others, Love, Ma Famille | 18 Comments

All In A Week

Posted on May 11, 2013 by

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The week has been beautiful, not without its challenges, but beautiful nonetheless. We had a brief hospital visit where my son was diagnosed with tourette’s syndrome. And while I do occasionally worry about the growing number of special needs, there wasn’t a day this week that wasn’t good. The moments we were together in a hospital room, the hours we read, planted in our community garden and walked outside, the text from their godparents offering an afternoon/early evening’s baby-sitting “just because”, their other godmother getting in touch to ask if I’d like a couple of hours on mother’s day to myself, their fairy godparents {aka the couple they think hung the moon} arranging a fun bike ride. Then there was the worry over finances being met with a hug from each of my two {as if they instinctively knew Mummy needed a bit of tender care} and evenings spent hiking, biking, walking and watching my daughter’s swimming abilities come on by leaps and bounds. We have a truly beautiful life and tourette’s will now simply be part of that.

Posted in All Things Bright and Beautiful, Family Life, Frugal Living, Frugal Parenting, Life Is Beautiful, Love, Ma Famille, Making lemons out of lemonade, Oh so Blessed, Parenting, Parenting Children With Special Needs | 5 Comments

For My Mental Health (There’s Too…)

Posted on April 30, 2013 by

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Thank you for the lovely comments on yesterday’s post, I can honestly say that I don’t regret sharing what I did and that is because of your kindness. I will respond to comments tomorrow but know that I’ve carried them with me today, thank you.

Last night, after a difficult few days with my son, I thought about some of the good times we’ve had recently and decided we needed some outdoors space so we went to The Beaches. We spent about an hour walking along the waterfront, picking up sticks, playing games and just having fun. Today, I heard that in May the David Suzuki Foundation, in conjunction with CBC, is hosting a 30 Minutes for 30 Days (30×30) Nature Challenge. The idea is that people commit to being outside for 30 minutes per day for the month of May and I’ve decided our family is going to join in! Being outside, exploring nature, running through the woods and planting in our garden are all good things for us. In fact, I notice so so many benefits for our family – I’m less stressed, the children burn off some energy, we connect with ourselves and each other (as well as our environment) and in many ways a bit of healing takes place. So instead of focusing on things that can be stressful in May, I’m embracing the good. Feel free to join us!

Posted in 30 x 30 Nature Challenge, Downshifting, Eco Living, Natural Living, Simple Living and Reducing Stress, Simplicity | 9 Comments

The Special Needs In Our Home

Posted on April 29, 2013 by

I have gone back and forth about writing a post like this. For many many reasons I don’t share my children’s names or faces here on this blog. I am careful about what stories I mention because they are their stories, and yet they are now mine too. Sometimes I want to name their special needs in this space. Often it is because I don’t want people to be frightened by the needs that many waiting children have, but sometimes it is because I need support, I need people to know that parenting children with risk factors related to what they were exposed to prenatally, the environment they lived in in their birth homes, the lack of permanency (and lower levels of care) they received in foster and previous adoptive families homes, the trauma they’ve endured, the genetic predispositions, the personality and the personal and biological makeup all, well, it make parenting different for some of us. My children are well-behaved, happy, funny, loving, kind, precious souls and most of the time they function very very well, and yet there are times where the risk factors, the trauma and the rest of it, bubbles to the surface. It could be because of a trigger or a missed medication, it could be because they’ve just had a set back that there is no rhyme nor reason for. And some days, like today, I don’t want to hide it both because I want to celebrate how far we’ve come, but also because I want to be honest about the challenges that exist, why sometimes my energy is thread bear and why your supportive and encouraging comments mean so much to me and help me keep going. So here we go…

My Daughter – Age 9

  • ADD – most likely trauma related
  • Learning Disability {she simply learns differently}
  • Language Processing Disorder
  • Spondylolisthesis 
  • Memory retention challenges, most likely due to what she was exposed to prenatally
  • Anxiety/Sleep disorder – she has night terrors and takes 2+ hrs to fall asleep.
  • Global Developmental Delay – though she is catching up, she is now about 2 years behind where she is chronologically
  • Significant fine motor delay – buttons, opening doors, writing are all severely challenging for her.

In addition her OT is sure she has a brain/motor planning disorder and it is likely she has some hearing loss which will be investigated soon.  

My Son – Age 8

  • ADHD (severe – as in off the charts)
  • Oppositional Defiant Disorder (a scary diagnosis which was made prior to adoption, something I’ve really tried to educate myself in to better understand)
  • Global Developmental Delay (he is about 4 years behind developmentally to his chronological age)
  • An undiagnosed speech disorder – it was almost impossible to understand a word he said when he arrived 1.5 years ago (his speech at 7.5 years old was like an 18 month old), now he is about 4 years behind with his speech. We don’t have a name yet, though every professional says it is severe and he is years behind where she should be. I think it is Childhood Apraxia of Speech {we are on a long waiting list for services}.
  • Severe memory retention challenges
  • Cognitive delay – very very difficult to access because of his ODD {he cooperated when he felt like it with the testing and that day he did not want to cooperate – as a result his IQ tested extremely low and I was told he would never be able to read, or perform acts of self-care - within a couple months he proved that false and now reads chapter books! :) And he can shower, wash and dress himself! }
  • A language and speech processing disorder
  • Poor functioning of the bladder and bowel {this means he can’t control his bladder which means he has accidents like a child who isn’t toilet trained/is newly toilet trained}. With the help of a urologist we are working on it, but it is very challenging for this mama to have to do so much laundry! :)
  • Learning Disabilities
  • Small stature that may be related to a growth hormone deficiency (we begin testing next month) or what he was exposed to prenatally. He is not even on the growth charts – or technically, he is a 0%!
  • Horrific fine motor skills, struggled to even hold a pencil.

As I look at this list, I understand my exhaustion! It is a strange place to be because I worry and yet I feel incredible hope. My children have a permanent family. They are loved, cherished and have boundaries, routines and loving guidance. My son’s special needs have a much greater impact on our family than I often admit (even to myself). There is a constant worry about what each day will bring, yet most days are very very good – in fact better than families I know without any special needs. My children are so polite, well-mannered, caring, loving, and humorous, it makes our days easy. But, the challenge is, with the mental health special needs you don’t always know what buttons my son will insist on pushing, or where his behaviour will take him, yet he is doing so much better and has made gains I never thought possible 18 months ago.  I do often feel great grief at what suffering he experienced that led to these challenges. I am saddened that his severe speech related special needs weren’t dealt with in his previous family which means he was frustrated and angry a lot {I would be too}. 

There are days I am very very tired. This week my son missed an evening dose of his medication for his mental health and we had three days of truly upsetting behaviour, he could not stop the downward spiral and self-sabbotaging no matter how much support he had. And then I go out and see my children express sincerest kindness to babies and animals, I witness them open doors for people, say thank you and pray for the people ambulances and fire trucks are rushing to and God whispers in my heart “it will be alright”. I witness them plow through developmental milestones they missed and work diligently towards catching up academically and I am in awe of how determined they are to forget what they were told {they weren’t able/were stupid/would never learn to read etc.} and instead to see in themselves what I and the amazing the people in their lives now see – capability, strength and love. And as I write this my daughter is loving caring for a pet and my son is thanking me for putting flax seeds on his cereal. The radio is humming and joy fills out home. Special needs may mean our path is a little different, but in so many ways they do make our family all the more special.

If there is anyone out there contemplating adopting children with special needs, I will say it very much isn’t for the faint of heart, but louder than that I will also share that the gains are all the sweeter, even if they happen on a different time length than you typical expect.

Posted in Adoption, Family Life, Journeying, Ma Famille, Parenting, Parenting Children With Special Needs | 27 Comments

A Simplified Life With Children

Posted on April 28, 2013 by

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Yesterday we returned the musical instrument we were renting and said goodbye to my daughter’s music teacher. About a month ago, after much soul-searching, I decided in the best interest of our family we were done with music lessons. It wasn’t an easy decision, I actually believe that almost all children would benefit from music lessons from a young age. I think that it can help develop emotional health, with cognitive and motor skill planning and can be a wonderful skill to take with you through to adulthood. I have played the violin since age 2, the cello and flute since middle school and the piano I taught myself in my early 20′s. And yet, here I am, a mother cancelling her child’s music lessons.

I realized, more than any one thing, the most important things for me are that our family is connected, emotionally/mentally healthy, have faith in God and each other, have secure attachment and have a natural, simple life. When I think about my decisions as a parent so far, the ones that have been made with those 5 values in mind, have been the right ones. As a parent I can’t do it all. I repeat, I can’t do it all. Not only because of the financial limitations, but because of the time and heart/head/soul limitations. I don’t believe it is possible to be pulled in each direction and not have to live with the consequences. I’ve made this mistake so so so many times and no doubt will continue to, again and again and again because I’m a bit slow sometimes! ;)

People often comment on how I manage to do it all. I won’t lie, working full time, parenting two children with quite significant special needs, being a solo parent, having financial limitations which mean things like eating out/affording childcare etc., aren’t possible and everything is made from scratch to save money, well all these things do presents challenges.  But the truth is I don’t do it all. I read recently that the average child here is in 3 extra-curricular activities a week and attends two parties a month. My children do 1 extra-curricular activity and attend 1 birthday party a year. I used to feel a lot of guilt about this, but I don’t anymore. Sure when we meet a friend who tells me their child is interested in piano so they purchased one for $3K I do sometimes think it would be nice to be able to rent a violin for each of my children so I could teach them myself, or I think it would at least be nice to have choices. But the truth is, every time I think like that sometime soon after I’m reminded about all that we do have because of the life we lead. Yesterday I had two reminders. First a parent at my daughter’s dance class complemented me on reading to my son and doing activities with him instead of playing on a device {I didn’t tell her I don’t have any! ;) }, she said that with two children in a myriad of activities, they just don’t have time anymore to read to their children, not even at bedtime because life is just a rush. I told her I thought all parents are doing the best we can and I’ve certainly had seasons of busyness where I’ve had to make tough decisions. I thought about our conversation later and realized we are only out one night a week (for physio) and I guess compared to families with lots on the go, we have lots of time for evenings spent reading, running around at the park, or planting in our community garden (even though it doesn’t always feel like it because I’m baking bread from scratch, trying to get the household chores done, or hanging laundry to dry). Then tonight, when the friend we met was rushing her child to her fourth activity of the day, my two and I were tucked away on a local hiking trail, climbing trees, wading in water and having a great deal of fun as a family.  We were relaxed, present, connected and together. I wasn’t waiting for them in a corridor and we weren’t apart again.

I genuinely believe almost every parent is doing the very best they can and as I told that mother at the dance class, we all have different seasons in our lives. In this season of my life my house will never look spotless, there will most likely always be corners that need work and laundry that needs doing. I don’t cook elaborate meals, in fact last night after our long hike we all had beans on toast with an apple and cherry tomatoes, followed by apple crisp.  I wanted to play a game with my children, rather than cook.

Our life isn’t perfect. Money is tighter than tight. We stopped music lessons (oh the horror! ;) ). My children have a myriad of special needs {in particular my son}, there are things that are upsetting and painful and worrying. I do often worry if I have enough for them,  in fact, I slip into that thinking far too often, but yesterday was a beautiful reminder: we are living a simplified, beautiful life. We are connected, we have faith that we can weather any storm, we continue to attach at a deeper and deeper level. And despite having to be a full-time working mum, which pains me in more ways than I will ever be able to articulate, we have a life where the time we have together is actually together. The mad dash is gone. We’ve downshifted from the busy family life, to a quiet one. We make decisions about things like music lessons that aren’t based on what I/we/society thinks we “should do”, but what is right for us in this season. And while I’m sure there are many more improvements that can be made, we’re farther on the journey than I sometimes realize.

Posted in Do something, Downshifting, Frugal Living, Frugal Parenting, Journeying, Laying Foundations For The Life Plan, Lessons Learned, Ma Famille, Parenting, Parenting Children With Special Needs, Reclaiming Simple Sundays, reducing stress, Repairing Damage, Simple Living and Reducing Stress, Simple Parenting, Simplicity | 21 Comments

My Favourite Video: Planet Earth & Sigur Ros

Posted on April 18, 2013 by

My most favourite nature series. A wonderful tune and stunning images. One can’t help but be uplifted! So much beauty. Enjoy!

Posted in Life Is Beautiful, Media & Culture, Natural Living | 2 Comments