Lessons

• The mama bear instinct to protect is ferocious and just the reminder on the days you most need it of how much your children mean to you
• There will be days you feel like you have strangers living in your home. Not many people suddenly have two people they don’t know, with likes and dislikes they can articulate and opinions that are just as valid as your own (& worthy of respect) move in overnight.
• It is O.K. to grieve for your past life. You will miss it. The freedom, the financial security, the ability to rest, relax and make choices that are right for you.
• Often the choices you make as best for your children are not best for you. That is O.K. they really do come first and you don’t even realize the sacrifices you are making until someone points it out.
• People will support you. I can not tell you how much my children’s Godparents have helped me. I do not know where I would be without them. They continue to help me out in a pinch when I have work commitments I can’t get out of and school is not in session. Having no family in the country, well, things like this make us a tad vulnerable.
• Adopting children brings out past grief (miscarriages, stillbirth, widowhood, deaths of parents, poor attachment to your own family as a child) –  if there is past trauma there, you will find it. Be prepared.
• Trust your motherhood instincts. You may not be a “professional” but you know your children better, even after only living together a few months, then someone who sees them in an office setting.
• Special needs bring with them worry about the future. No matter how aware you were of the risks, you do worry about where those needs will lead your children in the teenage years and beyond.
• Mothering two is a whole different ballgame to one. One child was e.a.s.y., I could really just take her with me anywhere. Life didn’t change that much. Adding in my son and the third child that is sibling rivalry/exciting each other, well that puts us in a new place.
• Sometimes you need to put one child’s needs over another. That is h.a.r.d.
• But then you realize it is give and take. The other child will get their turn.
• A career and parenting are not always a great mix. If I had the choice I would work far less hours or not at all. Obviously that isn’t possible and we make the best of it.
•  Children, particularly with special needs, can bankrupt you. It isn’t that I believe children are necessarily expensive – I purchase almost everything for them second hand, we use the library, make arts & crafts by repurposing materials and don’t gather “stuff” but their special needs costs thousands.
• Expect if you adopt that special needs will present that you did not know about. Both of my children have had three (potential four – we are awaiting results) turn up that were not know about at adoption. If we did everything recommended, it would cost about an additional $2000 a month to what I already spend.
• When your children have a history which impacts on them/their learning/behaviour/growth & development, it will be very hard to engage with parents of more typical kids. Talking about sticker charts, bed wetting and how to achieve balance isn’t possible when you are waiting to find out scary test results.
• About special needs, one thing to consider when adopting is whether you have anyone in your life that could cope with your child(rens) special needs in the event you can’t parent either short-term (illness, work trip etc.) or should something happen to you. The very thought, is at times, bone chilling.
• People you barely have a relationship with pre-adoption will become something special to you & your children post-adoption.  It is quite beautiful how children make connections.
• You will never be the parent you think you will be.
• Perfection doesn’t exist.
• There will be days you want to rewind. Sometimes many days in a row.
• There will be days which are so joyous you want to bottle them up and breathe them in.
• The realization you may always need to parent therapeutically hits h.a.r.d.
• The realization you have it so much better than many families who are struggling makes you so thankful yours are doing so well.
• The reality that you may always need to deal with previous families of your children is tough, particularly when some want to be over-involved and others dropped them like a hot potato and even when they agreed they would maintain some contact so your child doesn’t feel unloved (particular as there is a sibling still there), they just reject and reject and reject.
• Ghosts from your children’s pasts may resurface when you least expect it.
• Your children will suddenly make gains you, or the experts, never thought possible!
• Your children will tell you they love you just when you need to hear it.
• Some personalities mix better than others. But you still have to make it work in a family. Over time you can try to find solutions and explain each person has needs. They may not get it at first, but just keep trying to explain how everyone is unique. You need the reminder more than they do! 
• Motherhood is relentless, exhausting, beautiful, joyous and by far the best experience of my life.
• Adoption is beautiful. Poetic.  Magical. But it is, like most things in life, a journey. A journey with bumps and potholes but a journey which arrives somewhere beautiful.

It is often when I’m driving with my children that I realize the errors of my ways. Too much time spent worrying, rushing, giving time & attention to those with letters after their names instead of two wee ones far more important than everyone else combined. This weekend someone I respect perhaps more than anyone else here on earth told me my children are thriving. She said that not based on perfect test scores or suddenly meeting every milestone age appropriately, instead she looked at the whole child - the joy they embody, the love they give and receive, the ability they have to laugh at themselves and the resilience that runs through their veins. And as I was driving with my little loves in the car today I watched them showing kindness to each other, forgiving each other, planning great adventures for when we arrived home, discussing just who they would help when they grew up and singing a song they made up about their family, our family. And I wanted to proclaim ”look how far we’ve come”.  

My hope is I learn to push out the noise of how far we have to go and instead mindfully appreciate where we are today in this journey. I hope I stop thinking of myself as needing to teach them and instead I remind myself it is when I really listen to my children that I learn from them. They really are my teachers, my mentors, my hopes and my dreams. There is nothing I could teach them that they couldn’t teach me tenfold.

I’m proud those protesting against the poverty, abuse, suppression & harships women face. I’m proud of those signing petitions and breaking down systemic barriers. I’m also proud of those who have no choice but to suffer silently. They are strong too, so strong.

I don’t have many other words. This year I ache more for girls and women because I am now the mother of a daughter…things must change.

I leave you with this excellent article on the best and worst places to be a woman.

March, I am so glad you are here. It hasn’t been anywhere near as treacherous a winter as last, but I am ready for spring. Spring and Autumn for me is where it is at. Mild weather, long walks, no extreme body reactions to the outdoors, just relaxed, wonderful and perfectly marvelous in every way!  And in March we have plans, oh yes. A Birthday to celebrate, St. Patrick’s Day funky glasses to wear, swimming lessons to start and a fun meet up with friends to be enjoyed. Yes, March, we have some lovely plans for YOU!

And since I’m finally getting my act together as we celebrate six months together, I really really need to get back to some SMART goals for each month. So for March, as we move from the foundation building we’ve been doing for the last 6 months to something more, we’re ready to mix up a few things and do a bit more! Goals for March…

Mothering
- Sign up both children for swimming lessons
- Sign up both for a sports program for spring/summer
- Take a long walk each week together
- Read a chapter book together
- Swim once a week together
- Meet up with friends

Myself
- Blog at least 3x a week
- Dentist
- Keep to my cleaning schedule (isn’t life so much easier with an organized home?!)
- Attend my book group – children welcome
- Finish the cowl I’m making
- Begin a volunteer role for ChinaKidz (now Butterfly Children’s Hospice)

Budgeting/Finance
- Attempt a budget, again!
- Stick to $250 groceries
- Online banking & bills
- Taxes
- Pay vet bill

Spiritual
- Read the book of Matthew
- Attend Church 3 x (1/3)
- Listen to two online sermons (1/2)

Friendships/Relationships
- Don’t forget 2 friend’s Birthdays
- Write letter to friend R
- Write email to Godmother
- Write letter & card to aunt
- Write email to friend in Australia

I was reading an update the other day from a new adoptive family and oh how I remembered those hard days of adjustment. Traumatized children, no routines, adult bodies in total shock at the – well, demanding nature of it all. But lately, lately, as we hit the 6 month mark (this week in fact!), it all seems so very settled, relaxed, peaceful and like suddenly we all know what to expect. Apologies come freely for when things don’t go as planned. Little bodies previously only capable of negative words, now freely encouraging each other and me. My children wake up with smiles instead of tears. They have plans instead of hopelessness. And sometimes those plans include bowling. And bowling may be a pretty normal activity for most families, but for us, it signals my children can hold a ball, they have gained gross and fine motor skills some “professionals” thought never possible. Expert bowlers my two are. Oh yes!

And now, none of the reports matter, the chaos is gone, all is settled – these four feet are home. Not just home, but really home. Home in my mind and heart, home in the space that takes up everything in between.   And as my body, heart and soul adjusted, a funny thing started happening, I began nesting, again. My body yearns to make and create and wipe tears and the hardest thing I do is begin each Monday morning anew. And suddenly each hour is a countdown to when I can hold my babies again. We are exactly where we should be. Completely and utterly belonging to each other…forever!

And sometimes it begins to feel a bit “too much”,  and you begin to feel hurt from the pull, the pull of being physically and emotionally stretched too thin. Suddenly you realize how close tears are to the surface and occasionally you are surprised to feel a hot drip running down your cheek, with each drop acting as a reminder of your needs and a reminder you aren’t sure how they’ll be met. And then, just as it comes to the surface, just as you begin to feel this “journey” is mammoth and lonely and exhausting, just as you selfishly throw out a couple of prayers pleading for a bit of relief, it comes. It comes from places you least expect it, a friend inviting your family out for a meal with theirs, reading some beautiful prayers to say for your children, a lovely song which makes you smile at the thought of one day being able to take piano lessons, a special friend of your children’s continuing to become more involved in their life, a giggle or laugh from the corner of the room which is a reminder to be still and find joy and appreciate. And suddenly, suddenly, you realize all this is holy, sacred; the crippling feelings of how you will do it all, the tears, the giggles, the preparing of snacks, the reading of stories, the shared experiences with friends, the people who come into your lives seemingly from nowhere, but just what you need. And you begin to see, because in my selfishness I can’t always see it, just how good God has been. You begin to realize He provides just what you really need, when you need it. Not necessarily in your time but in His. And you can see, in His wisdom that is the right time, for there are lessons to be learned in this. Lessons about grace, kindness, compassion and meeting needs. Lessons about just how much you can’t do without Him and shouldn’t even try. 

He has been good to us, He certainly has.

Today is our last Saturday before the rush of school starts, once again there will be less time for relaxing strolls in parks, finding fun creatures and just being still. My daughter has already lost a lot of sleep worrying about going back to school, nightmares that her uniform isn’t “right” or she forgets her homework. So much stress (though from what I understand a lot better than her previous school experience!).

So today I’m keeping everything low key. We enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, we’ll do some work on spellings, read some books, talk about the adjustment back, go for a quick grocery shop (and update my spending diary for this week tonight on the blog!), get the uniforms and the place in good order, and get some baking done for breakfasts and after school snacks this week.  The only thing I’m really missing to make this day as relaxing as possible is coffee {a luxury I’ve given up – boo hoo!}

Happy Weekending!

In this season of life it is hard to feel that I’m giving sacrificially, though someone reminded me yesterday that adopting two older children with special needs requires constant “giving” of oneself. They didn’t say because of some misguided belief adopters are angels, they said it to remind me that giving isn’t just about what happens outside our home, but our everyday actions inside our home can demonstrate generosity and love too. And right now inside our home we are looking at how we can continue to give even in a season of greater needs and less resources. 

And after lots of reflecting on the budget what we can do is:

• Continue our sponsorship of a crib through Butterfly Children’s Hospices (previously named ChinaKidz) – as readers know, I was a volunteer there summer 2010, an experience which changed my life and a place I know sponsorship means babies and children’s lives are saved.
• Use our food budget to buy some food each shop to give to the foodbank. We may not be able to spend as much as I’d like, but those few items each shop probably give one meal to a family, one meal they don’t need to worry about and that is good.
• When we do make a purchase, we can ensure it is fairtrade or ethically sourced.  My daughter’s winter sweater is fairtrade, the food we buy as much as possible is fairtrade, we boycott companies which are unethical and buy small and local as much as possible
• We visit our local homeless people once a week and give what we can while spending time with them. This is always the highlight of the week for my daughter, whose generous spirit I will blog about soon!
• We pray for others every day
• We give away what we don’t need and/or have outgrown
• We soon will begin volunteering as a family

When I look at that list what I see is a few small lifestyle choices that let us give a little each month. But, as I’m trying to teach my children, it is little every day actions of being loving, giving and kind which is the most important thing. It isn’t about assuming others have money and are better equipped to solve the world’s problems, it is everyone making positive choices, little drops of love, that make the world a much move loving and kind place.

So on this Help A Family Friday, I just wanted to admit that to myself and others that it is OK when the help you can give is small; small acts change someone’s world.

Minor car accident + increased school costs + PA Day childcare costs + sick child + car battery dead + physiotherapy = budget not balancing at all. Pure joy I tell you, pure joy !

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about food costs, mostly because I’m trying to balance budgeting with making sure we eat healthy, local, fairtrade food as much as possible. I have never been inspired by bloggers who have drastically low food bills but shop at shops which are unethical, or have a diet which is sorely lacking in what our body needs. For my children, each day they enjoy 3 + fruits, 4 + veg, a variety of protein sources {fish, eggs, lentils, beans etc.}, dairy and plenty of water.  They have a glass of milk each day, (as well as cheese and/or yoghurt), but I limit their juice because when they have it they begin giving me more challenge about drinking water {prior to my adoption of them, they had never had a glass of water – one day I’ll tell you just how appalling their diet used to be!}.  Yesterday here is what they ate:

Breakfast: A slice of flax seed bread with organic peanut butter, a cut up apple, yoghurt, water
Lunch: Scrambled egg, 1/3rd an avocado, cherry tomatoes, carrot sticks, a banana, a cheesy baked potato, dried apricots, water
Dinner: Macaroni & Cheese, lima beans, cucumber slices, eggplant in plum sauce, cranberry oat biscuit, clementine, water, milk

When they first arrived my sole goal was to get them onto a healthy diet rich in fruits, vegetables and healthy proteins. As I’ve commented before, they changed before my eyes – colour entered their cheeks, they no longer had trouble going to the bathroom, they gained weight and their skin improved. My goal now is to continue feeding them a varied and healthy diet, while sticking to a $250 a month food budget {this includes pet supplies and cleaning products – mostly vinegar & baking soda!}. I plan to blog through it all and while I won’t do a daily food diary, I would like to do a monthly synopsis of the budget and admit how easy or challenging it was to stick to!

Are you trying to keep a tight rein on food costs? How do you balance that with making ethical choices?