What motherhood and life circumstances has taught me recently, is that there is a very different feeling and experience, even if you live on the same budget, depending on whether in the end that is all you have, vs. you are simply choosing to live below your means. For example, paying $60 a week for groceries feels much more stressful when there is no more than $60 to be found, compared to having several hundred left to spend on groceries, but you choose to only spend $60. Today as I walked around the grocery store with my children in  tow, I reflected on this as I counted up the pennies and made my purchases balance. It never felt this stressful when I was simply playing more of a grocery game (frugal by choice and proud of it!).  And the truth is, it certainly doesn’t feel like a game now, I’m not sure what it feels like, but it is stressful. Each time school sends home another letter requesting supplies/a certain coloured shirt for a play/an activity fee etc., another growth spurt happens, or new meds are prescribed, it is no longer about reducing the amount going into savings, it is something all together more challenging – what do we cut now?

I am not poor. We have a lovely roof over our heads, good food in the fridge, books and games and hobbies and joy. But I am also gaining some very good perspective – each car ride now is evaluated for its essentialness, which is humbling, but perfectly fine (having worked in countries where people have to walk 5 miles to get to school, perspective is never far off!). However tough this season of needs is, and it is tough, I am learning more and more each day about the beauty in simplicity, the choices we can still make and the importance of, when possible, saving and building a safety net. I’m thankful that while it feels so different to my previous lifestyle of frugal by choice, I learned some very important lessons during that season that I can apply now.  And I’m thankful I mostly remember that one just needs to sit tight to ride out the storm. But in the meantime, a moratorium on bills please !

For many weeks, before we hit a good, new groove, week days were hard. The pace was tough for us all,  but added to that, the struggle with transitions made them very tough for my son. We all needed green space, relaxation and rest, but with the lack of outdoor space where we live, no garden and to be honest no time, it was nigh on impossible. As the warmer weather arrived and with it lighter evenings, plus some new meds and easier transitions, we’ve been able to push bedtime back an additional 30-45 minutes. And with that time, we’ve been able to do something: swimming, a bike ride, sometimes a craft (but the truth is, we all benefit more from time out of doors). I’m trying, even when very challenging to commit to carving out this time, even during the week when schedules are rushed, to give them an hour of just being in the moment - no talk of bedtime or what comes tomorrow, no errands or chores or cooking, just family time without distraction. I feel we all breathe easier and have the continued solidification as a unit that we need, not just on weekends, but each and every day; we have so much to make up for. My arthritis being easier the next day, after exercise, is another added bonus, too. And the benefits make the challenges (10:40pm and both children still awake, despite going to bed more than 2.5 hrs ago! Sigh!) easier, a tad less frustrating !

This weekend was a long weekend, which meant an extra day as a family and while I did go into the office for 4 hrs with the children (we have a pretty wonderful set up/routine, they do 2 hrs of reading and arithmetic, followed by a 30 minute game and then a much anticipated dvd to watch (they only get about 1.5 hrs of screen time a month, yes you read that right!) the day was spent gardening and hiking and gardening some more. We planted cucumbers, kale, spinach, watercress, pumpkins, yellow courgettes and a few flowers. My only complaint is I’d like at least 10 plots (the plots here are very very tiny, about 1/5th the size of a small allotment plot in the UK). But I’m very grateful we have it! I spent a great deal of time as we planted, marveling at how quickly the children have changed, from shrieks of horror at the very thought of planting, getting dirty or spending time with flowers, to pure delight that we spend so much time in nature – discussions about what grows how, when and where, and lots of pictures drawn about our adventures. In fact, they were so enthused today, I couldn’t really tell you what is planted where. It’s a mystery garden of sorts !

And as we sat, all showered (therefore cooler – boy was it hot today) and enjoyed dinner together tonight, when it came turn to share what we are thankful for, both were filled with enthusiasm about planting, flowers, seeds, hiking, finding sticks, playing tag in the forest and having frugal, simple, fun adventures, not that different from children 40 years ago. It was a reminder to me, how gentle encouragement and persistence pays off. When they arrived, both were used to 2-3 hrs of tv a night, video games, weekends at theme parks, meals at Mc*Donalds, sugary breakfasts, well, sugary everything (nary a vegetable in sight!). Today there are no video games, nor anything electronic for that matter, they have no clue what is on tv, nor what the must have toy/game/gadget of the moment is, they love art, gardening, learning about plants, bird watching, swimming, walking and playing games with sticks. They love trying new foods and laugh at some of the misadventures we’ve had (hot Sri Lankan food is still fresh in their memories). And with each day, with each exposure to a different life, their confidence to be themselves and not follow a crowd grows, they realize how many things they excel at and see that learning isn’t about studying for a spelling test. And with each passing day like today, I feel like we are all, well and truly, home.

This photo has nothing to do with today, but since my camera had no batteries, I declared it would do!

I decided to write a reclaimed, simple sunday post today, not because I felt relaxed (my arthritis is so so terrible right now, it hurts to walk (today was so bad I was hobbling!) and my wrists and fingers are so stiff I’ve had to give up knitting), but because I’m trying desperately to focus on the small things. I want to remember some good little things today, not the anxiety or wicked pain I felt, but the little tender beautiful pauses I want to focus my lens on. So today, I’m thankful for…

:: The black bean and salsa soup, grilled asparagus and barley dish in my fridge – meals this week should be easier!
:: The piffling biscuits on the counter – a recipe from my mum, oh so far away!
:: My daughter riding her bike – overcoming such fear and persisting! If only I could learn life skills from her!
:: My son’s new job as family dish washer! I’ve never had quite so many broken dishes, but he is proud of himself and once a day I get a break
:: A friend of mine who splits her time between the UK and Africa, has begun calling each Sunday afternoon. A reminder to breathe. Encouragement. Laughter. Joy
:: An afternoon swim with my children – for 40 minutes my body didn’t hurt and we all had a great time!
:: A fun game of scrabble with hot chocolate  
:: Hearing my son read a new book! It was hard work, but he is getting there!
:: Quiet time this afternoon, my son cuddled up in his bed with a book, my daughter sitting on a chair reading Charlotte’s Web to me. I read the same book at her age; she has come so far!
:: Deciding the consequence for constant bickering would be that my children had to tell each other 3 things they love about the other person. Oh it was delightful to hear!

Reflecting back, despite the pain and a few stressful moments, there were many beautiful moments. I am blessed indeed!

I hope your Sunday was relaxed, restful and joy-filled.

A very strange thing happened when we moved to this city. We found a little “rural” idyl. Now, I use the term rural loosely. But it feels like it. It is not the area we live in, though a great plan is to move there (house prices, please come down, or house deposit, please drop from the sky!) but it is the area, once found, where we live our lives. We may not sleep on quiet streets near vast parks, where birds chirp and flowers are found, but our free time is spent there. My children dance there. We take long strolls in extensive parks there. My son begins soccer this month on the fields which overlook the community garden we enjoy. We shop ethically (and finally, finally, found fairtrade goods!) on those streets we so desire to call home. And slowly but surely, we’ve found a place where we can live locally, even if not technically local for us. Today, as my children skipped down the street holding hands, I was given a kiss by the Italian grocer in his 80′s who presents me with a different flower each Saturday morning. We passed our fairtrade cafe and the owner called my children by name and presented them with a fresh baked cookie, still warm, while simultaneously slipping a fairtrade coffee into my hand. We went on our merry way (aren’t Mummies always joyful with a good, strong coffee?) into our favourite fairtrade co-op like food store and the owner told me he was waiting for us because he order too much milk this week and wanted to give it to us. We filled our basket with fairtrade and/or local products and chatted about politics, good music and good coffee. And I looked down at my children chatting away to the local dog we bump into most weeks, while my fairtrade items were being placed into cloth bags (give a bag, tag a bag – anything better?). And I felt, well, like we were home. We may not be able to afford to live here, but in many ways, we do live there, or at least choose to live out our lives there. I find, as soon as I turn the corner and see the park, shops and people we so adore, my anxiety dissipates, I feel less stressed, I feel like I can breathe. I am no longer surrounded by shops where no one knows your name, shops which are part of massive chains, instead I’m showing my children a different life, a life which includes: a fish monger, a bulk food store, a local coffee shop, a green grocer, a flower market, and, despite all the modern conveniences of the big names and fancy brands, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Today, as we were pet sitting for a friend, I had to venture into a part of town with bigger stores, more people, a focus on convenience and modern living, in the 20 or so minutes we were there, I felt unable to breathe at least five times. My daughter summed it up best when she said “Mummy, why are people so unfriendly here?”.  And, not for the first time, I couldn’t answer her question. I’m glad, despite the committment it takes, we are living a life where the people we encounter mean something to us and us to them. I’m glad they are seeing that we all make choices and with our money we have power. Power to make a stand. Power to support peace. Power to make a difference. And today, as we had just enough money in the budget for some flowers (thanks to not having to buy milk!), my daughter reached for the small bouquet of fairtrade flowers. She said “Mummy there are lots of pretty flowers, but these ones mean that the bosses took care of their workers, let’s get these”. She is learning, oh how she is learning!

And tonight as my washing machine hums with green detergent, our organic black beans are ready to be made into soup, my children’s tummies are full with warm biscuits and our cats are eating food from a grocer who asks about them each week, I feel joy I’ve found a small thing that brings so much happiness, a small thing that makes me not focus (too much!) on real estate woes and instead lets me just be thankful for a little dose of happiness each week.

I’ve been absent for quite some time. I realize it is because I’ve been waiting for something big, or profound to say. Something that would make me, and others, think it was good I took the time to come back. Only the truth is, I have nothing in he realm of profound to share. Over the last couple of months there have been lots of different directions we’ve been pulled in: my daughter’s spine condition, my son being hospitalized with a very nasty form of bronchitis, my son finally turning a corner after 2 weeks, to then catch such a nasty eye infection he couldn’t see for days, a realization of just how stiff my daughters hands are, my son being diagnosed with a type of movement disorder, trying meds that have side effects (oh my!), dealing with the effects of one missed dose, (oh so terrible!). And I’ve had a promotion at work, the normal stresses and strains of work life and we’ve had to deal with negotiating relationships with birth family (not easy, not easy) and the bills, well they make you loose sleep at night. Or they do me. And just when I think I’ve somewhat balanced things, a new need (not want) presents and we start all over again…

But I realize something. Where I’ve been going wrong is I haven’t really stopped to notice the little things. I’ve been so busy, so tired, so overwhelmed, so on my own trying to find a clear path for us all (you know, a month with no new diagnosis, no new $2000+ bill) that I’ve not taken the time to stop and stare at flowers, or pick up my camera to catch a bloom, or a smiling face, or jumping feet.

I’ve realized I’ve approached this blog with the same mentality, if it can’t be easy, if it can’t be a big, or symbolize a profound change, then there’s nothing to say, no beauty to be found and that simply isn’t true. The last almost three months have been stretching beyond belief, but they also have been filled with joy. My son transitions so much better now and doesn’t need to have 2 hr temper tantrum simply because of a change in routine (hallelujah!). My daughter learned to ride a bike (pure joy!) and despite being more fearful than I have ever seen a child be over the task (shaking and spluttering and crying, oh my!) within 3 minutes she was off and never looked back. My children now express their love to each other, have learned to play nicely together and don’t compete constantly for my attention. We have had a few beautiful walks, a lovely friend taught them how to plant, we were able to rent a community garden plot (think allotment if you are a Brit) and have oh so many plans of what to grow – this weekend folks, this weekend! And the greatest thing is the small things my heart tells me, the daily swelling of love that builds and erupts like a mini volcano, the joy I have when I pick my loves up from school, the happiness I have knowing we are all together.

Yes, there are some major challenges. My day starts at 5 am each morning and rarely ends before 11pm. I couldn’t tell you the last time I was able to do much of anything for me.  And in truth, after almost 9 months of motherhood to two, I do need some time to myself (right now I’m either at work or with my children), but that will come. Right now the budget doesn’t allow for a baby-sitter, even for an evening. And while I do often think it would make me a better mother to have a break (I think the biggest challenge is there is no one to even watch them for 20 minutes while you run an errand or have a nap when you are sick and desperately need sleep) I also accept fully my time and place is with them. Fully with them and that makes my heart skip a beat with joy.

And as I write this, I see that over the last few months the close people in our lives have done small things in so many ways which brought the gentle love we needed and a reminder to me to keep breathing. From a friend afar who phones and prays for us daily, to my children’s Godparents who always help me out with childcare in pinch and include us as family. We’ve been blessed by a friend who lets my children feel loved and accepted and part of something and the same friend has given us more bags of soil, coffee, flowers, food and immune boosters (as well as a bike!) than I could even count or express my gratitude for. This outpouring of love made me remember a value that was so important to me and so rare here in the west, the value of living as a community – meeting each other’s needs and sharing each other’s joy in big ways and small.  Thinking of other people daily. Sharing. Giving. Receiving. Unifying.

So there are no profound words, I’m far too tired. But I’ve decided to come back to blogging (oh do I have some apologies to make!). I hope it awakens in me the desire to focus my lens (literally and figuratively) on the small things – my children’s smiles, the flowers we pick, the seeds we plant, the steps we take. And once and for all, try to live the life I believe in.

Lessons

• The mama bear instinct to protect is ferocious and just the reminder on the days you most need it of how much your children mean to you
• There will be days you feel like you have strangers living in your home. Not many people suddenly have two people they don’t know, with likes and dislikes they can articulate and opinions that are just as valid as your own (& worthy of respect) move in overnight.
• It is O.K. to grieve for your past life. You will miss it. The freedom, the financial security, the ability to rest, relax and make choices that are right for you.
• Often the choices you make as best for your children are not best for you. That is O.K. they really do come first and you don’t even realize the sacrifices you are making until someone points it out.
• People will support you. I can not tell you how much my children’s Godparents have helped me. I do not know where I would be without them. They continue to help me out in a pinch when I have work commitments I can’t get out of and school is not in session. Having no family in the country, well, things like this make us a tad vulnerable.
• Adopting children brings out past grief (miscarriages, stillbirth, widowhood, deaths of parents, poor attachment to your own family as a child) –  if there is past trauma there, you will find it. Be prepared.
• Trust your motherhood instincts. You may not be a “professional” but you know your children better, even after only living together a few months, then someone who sees them in an office setting.
• Special needs bring with them worry about the future. No matter how aware you were of the risks, you do worry about where those needs will lead your children in the teenage years and beyond.
• Mothering two is a whole different ballgame to one. One child was e.a.s.y., I could really just take her with me anywhere. Life didn’t change that much. Adding in my son and the third child that is sibling rivalry/exciting each other, well that puts us in a new place.
• Sometimes you need to put one child’s needs over another. That is h.a.r.d.
• But then you realize it is give and take. The other child will get their turn.
• A career and parenting are not always a great mix. If I had the choice I would work far less hours or not at all. Obviously that isn’t possible and we make the best of it.
•  Children, particularly with special needs, can bankrupt you. It isn’t that I believe children are necessarily expensive – I purchase almost everything for them second hand, we use the library, make arts & crafts by repurposing materials and don’t gather “stuff” but their special needs costs thousands.
• Expect if you adopt that special needs will present that you did not know about. Both of my children have had three (potential four – we are awaiting results) turn up that were not know about at adoption. If we did everything recommended, it would cost about an additional $2000 a month to what I already spend.
• When your children have a history which impacts on them/their learning/behaviour/growth & development, it will be very hard to engage with parents of more typical kids. Talking about sticker charts, bed wetting and how to achieve balance isn’t possible when you are waiting to find out scary test results.
• About special needs, one thing to consider when adopting is whether you have anyone in your life that could cope with your child(rens) special needs in the event you can’t parent either short-term (illness, work trip etc.) or should something happen to you. The very thought, is at times, bone chilling.
• People you barely have a relationship with pre-adoption will become something special to you & your children post-adoption.  It is quite beautiful how children make connections.
• You will never be the parent you think you will be.
• Perfection doesn’t exist.
• There will be days you want to rewind. Sometimes many days in a row.
• There will be days which are so joyous you want to bottle them up and breathe them in.
• The realization you may always need to parent therapeutically hits h.a.r.d.
• The realization you have it so much better than many families who are struggling makes you so thankful yours are doing so well.
• The reality that you may always need to deal with previous families of your children is tough, particularly when some want to be over-involved and others dropped them like a hot potato and even when they agreed they would maintain some contact so your child doesn’t feel unloved (particular as there is a sibling still there), they just reject and reject and reject.
• Ghosts from your children’s pasts may resurface when you least expect it.
• Your children will suddenly make gains you, or the experts, never thought possible!
• Your children will tell you they love you just when you need to hear it.
• Some personalities mix better than others. But you still have to make it work in a family. Over time you can try to find solutions and explain each person has needs. They may not get it at first, but just keep trying to explain how everyone is unique. You need the reminder more than they do! 
• Motherhood is relentless, exhausting, beautiful, joyous and by far the best experience of my life.
• Adoption is beautiful. Poetic.  Magical. But it is, like most things in life, a journey. A journey with bumps and potholes but a journey which arrives somewhere beautiful.

It is often when I’m driving with my children that I realize the errors of my ways. Too much time spent worrying, rushing, giving time & attention to those with letters after their names instead of two wee ones far more important than everyone else combined. This weekend someone I respect perhaps more than anyone else here on earth told me my children are thriving. She said that not based on perfect test scores or suddenly meeting every milestone age appropriately, instead she looked at the whole child - the joy they embody, the love they give and receive, the ability they have to laugh at themselves and the resilience that runs through their veins. And as I was driving with my little loves in the car today I watched them showing kindness to each other, forgiving each other, planning great adventures for when we arrived home, discussing just who they would help when they grew up and singing a song they made up about their family, our family. And I wanted to proclaim ”look how far we’ve come”.  

My hope is I learn to push out the noise of how far we have to go and instead mindfully appreciate where we are today in this journey. I hope I stop thinking of myself as needing to teach them and instead I remind myself it is when I really listen to my children that I learn from them. They really are my teachers, my mentors, my hopes and my dreams. There is nothing I could teach them that they couldn’t teach me tenfold.

I’m proud those protesting against the poverty, abuse, suppression & harships women face. I’m proud of those signing petitions and breaking down systemic barriers. I’m also proud of those who have no choice but to suffer silently. They are strong too, so strong.

I don’t have many other words. This year I ache more for girls and women because I am now the mother of a daughter…things must change.

I leave you with this excellent article on the best and worst places to be a woman.

March, I am so glad you are here. It hasn’t been anywhere near as treacherous a winter as last, but I am ready for spring. Spring and Autumn for me is where it is at. Mild weather, long walks, no extreme body reactions to the outdoors, just relaxed, wonderful and perfectly marvelous in every way!  And in March we have plans, oh yes. A Birthday to celebrate, St. Patrick’s Day funky glasses to wear, swimming lessons to start and a fun meet up with friends to be enjoyed. Yes, March, we have some lovely plans for YOU!

And since I’m finally getting my act together as we celebrate six months together, I really really need to get back to some SMART goals for each month. So for March, as we move from the foundation building we’ve been doing for the last 6 months to something more, we’re ready to mix up a few things and do a bit more! Goals for March…

Mothering
- Sign up both children for swimming lessons
- Sign up both for a sports program for spring/summer
- Take a long walk each week together
- Read a chapter book together
- Swim once a week together
- Meet up with friends

Myself
- Blog at least 3x a week
- Dentist
- Keep to my cleaning schedule (isn’t life so much easier with an organized home?!)
- Attend my book group – children welcome
- Finish the cowl I’m making
- Begin a volunteer role for ChinaKidz (now Butterfly Children’s Hospice)

Budgeting/Finance
- Attempt a budget, again!
- Stick to $250 groceries
- Online banking & bills
- Taxes
- Pay vet bill

Spiritual
- Read the book of Matthew
- Attend Church 3 x (1/3)
- Listen to two online sermons (1/2)

Friendships/Relationships
- Don’t forget 2 friend’s Birthdays
- Write letter to friend R
- Write email to Godmother
- Write letter & card to aunt
- Write email to friend in Australia