What motherhood and life circumstances has taught me recently, is that there is a very different feeling and experience, even if you live on the same budget, depending on whether in the end that is all you have, vs. you are simply choosing to live below your means. For example, paying $60 a week for groceries feels much more stressful when there is no more than $60 to be found, compared to having several hundred left to spend on groceries, but you choose to only spend $60. Today as I walked around the grocery store with my children in  tow, I reflected on this as I counted up the pennies and made my purchases balance. It never felt this stressful when I was simply playing more of a grocery game (frugal by choice and proud of it!).  And the truth is, it certainly doesn’t feel like a game now, I’m not sure what it feels like, but it is stressful. Each time school sends home another letter requesting supplies/a certain coloured shirt for a play/an activity fee etc., another growth spurt happens, or new meds are prescribed, it is no longer about reducing the amount going into savings, it is something all together more challenging – what do we cut now?

I am not poor. We have a lovely roof over our heads, good food in the fridge, books and games and hobbies and joy. But I am also gaining some very good perspective – each car ride now is evaluated for its essentialness, which is humbling, but perfectly fine (having worked in countries where people have to walk 5 miles to get to school, perspective is never far off!). However tough this season of needs is, and it is tough, I am learning more and more each day about the beauty in simplicity, the choices we can still make and the importance of, when possible, saving and building a safety net. I’m thankful that while it feels so different to my previous lifestyle of frugal by choice, I learned some very important lessons during that season that I can apply now.  And I’m thankful I mostly remember that one just needs to sit tight to ride out the storm. But in the meantime, a moratorium on bills please !

Lessons

• The mama bear instinct to protect is ferocious and just the reminder on the days you most need it of how much your children mean to you
• There will be days you feel like you have strangers living in your home. Not many people suddenly have two people they don’t know, with likes and dislikes they can articulate and opinions that are just as valid as your own (& worthy of respect) move in overnight.
• It is O.K. to grieve for your past life. You will miss it. The freedom, the financial security, the ability to rest, relax and make choices that are right for you.
• Often the choices you make as best for your children are not best for you. That is O.K. they really do come first and you don’t even realize the sacrifices you are making until someone points it out.
• People will support you. I can not tell you how much my children’s Godparents have helped me. I do not know where I would be without them. They continue to help me out in a pinch when I have work commitments I can’t get out of and school is not in session. Having no family in the country, well, things like this make us a tad vulnerable.
• Adopting children brings out past grief (miscarriages, stillbirth, widowhood, deaths of parents, poor attachment to your own family as a child) –  if there is past trauma there, you will find it. Be prepared.
• Trust your motherhood instincts. You may not be a “professional” but you know your children better, even after only living together a few months, then someone who sees them in an office setting.
• Special needs bring with them worry about the future. No matter how aware you were of the risks, you do worry about where those needs will lead your children in the teenage years and beyond.
• Mothering two is a whole different ballgame to one. One child was e.a.s.y., I could really just take her with me anywhere. Life didn’t change that much. Adding in my son and the third child that is sibling rivalry/exciting each other, well that puts us in a new place.
• Sometimes you need to put one child’s needs over another. That is h.a.r.d.
• But then you realize it is give and take. The other child will get their turn.
• A career and parenting are not always a great mix. If I had the choice I would work far less hours or not at all. Obviously that isn’t possible and we make the best of it.
•  Children, particularly with special needs, can bankrupt you. It isn’t that I believe children are necessarily expensive – I purchase almost everything for them second hand, we use the library, make arts & crafts by repurposing materials and don’t gather “stuff” but their special needs costs thousands.
• Expect if you adopt that special needs will present that you did not know about. Both of my children have had three (potential four – we are awaiting results) turn up that were not know about at adoption. If we did everything recommended, it would cost about an additional $2000 a month to what I already spend.
• When your children have a history which impacts on them/their learning/behaviour/growth & development, it will be very hard to engage with parents of more typical kids. Talking about sticker charts, bed wetting and how to achieve balance isn’t possible when you are waiting to find out scary test results.
• About special needs, one thing to consider when adopting is whether you have anyone in your life that could cope with your child(rens) special needs in the event you can’t parent either short-term (illness, work trip etc.) or should something happen to you. The very thought, is at times, bone chilling.
• People you barely have a relationship with pre-adoption will become something special to you & your children post-adoption.  It is quite beautiful how children make connections.
• You will never be the parent you think you will be.
• Perfection doesn’t exist.
• There will be days you want to rewind. Sometimes many days in a row.
• There will be days which are so joyous you want to bottle them up and breathe them in.
• The realization you may always need to parent therapeutically hits h.a.r.d.
• The realization you have it so much better than many families who are struggling makes you so thankful yours are doing so well.
• The reality that you may always need to deal with previous families of your children is tough, particularly when some want to be over-involved and others dropped them like a hot potato and even when they agreed they would maintain some contact so your child doesn’t feel unloved (particular as there is a sibling still there), they just reject and reject and reject.
• Ghosts from your children’s pasts may resurface when you least expect it.
• Your children will suddenly make gains you, or the experts, never thought possible!
• Your children will tell you they love you just when you need to hear it.
• Some personalities mix better than others. But you still have to make it work in a family. Over time you can try to find solutions and explain each person has needs. They may not get it at first, but just keep trying to explain how everyone is unique. You need the reminder more than they do! 
• Motherhood is relentless, exhausting, beautiful, joyous and by far the best experience of my life.
• Adoption is beautiful. Poetic.  Magical. But it is, like most things in life, a journey. A journey with bumps and potholes but a journey which arrives somewhere beautiful.

It is often when I’m driving with my children that I realize the errors of my ways. Too much time spent worrying, rushing, giving time & attention to those with letters after their names instead of two wee ones far more important than everyone else combined. This weekend someone I respect perhaps more than anyone else here on earth told me my children are thriving. She said that not based on perfect test scores or suddenly meeting every milestone age appropriately, instead she looked at the whole child - the joy they embody, the love they give and receive, the ability they have to laugh at themselves and the resilience that runs through their veins. And as I was driving with my little loves in the car today I watched them showing kindness to each other, forgiving each other, planning great adventures for when we arrived home, discussing just who they would help when they grew up and singing a song they made up about their family, our family. And I wanted to proclaim ”look how far we’ve come”.  

My hope is I learn to push out the noise of how far we have to go and instead mindfully appreciate where we are today in this journey. I hope I stop thinking of myself as needing to teach them and instead I remind myself it is when I really listen to my children that I learn from them. They really are my teachers, my mentors, my hopes and my dreams. There is nothing I could teach them that they couldn’t teach me tenfold.

And sometimes it begins to feel a bit “too much”,  and you begin to feel hurt from the pull, the pull of being physically and emotionally stretched too thin. Suddenly you realize how close tears are to the surface and occasionally you are surprised to feel a hot drip running down your cheek, with each drop acting as a reminder of your needs and a reminder you aren’t sure how they’ll be met. And then, just as it comes to the surface, just as you begin to feel this “journey” is mammoth and lonely and exhausting, just as you selfishly throw out a couple of prayers pleading for a bit of relief, it comes. It comes from places you least expect it, a friend inviting your family out for a meal with theirs, reading some beautiful prayers to say for your children, a lovely song which makes you smile at the thought of one day being able to take piano lessons, a special friend of your children’s continuing to become more involved in their life, a giggle or laugh from the corner of the room which is a reminder to be still and find joy and appreciate. And suddenly, suddenly, you realize all this is holy, sacred; the crippling feelings of how you will do it all, the tears, the giggles, the preparing of snacks, the reading of stories, the shared experiences with friends, the people who come into your lives seemingly from nowhere, but just what you need. And you begin to see, because in my selfishness I can’t always see it, just how good God has been. You begin to realize He provides just what you really need, when you need it. Not necessarily in your time but in His. And you can see, in His wisdom that is the right time, for there are lessons to be learned in this. Lessons about grace, kindness, compassion and meeting needs. Lessons about just how much you can’t do without Him and shouldn’t even try. 

He has been good to us, He certainly has.

I was in the midst of my big fret, crying one rainy night driving home from work & school and a voice whispered “just pray”. I said one quick prayer asking for a village to come together, my close friends to accept sacred roles as Godparents and a friend who my children have taken to, to accept being a bit of an honorary auntie.  I asked for people to care about us and identify us as their family, like we do them {it’s not a nice feeling to think you care/need people more than they do you!}

Less than a month later, I can honestly say I see our small and mighty village. There are my close friends Fitzy, her husband Mr. C and their baby (this very week Mr. C in conversation with his partner said we are part of their family as he hung my children’s picture on their fridge) who we enjoyed a pre-Christmas gathering with, a Christmas dinner on Boxing Day together and Fitzy is becoming baby-sitter extraordinaire one day next week. There is a friend from University who took my children out to help them make Christmas gifts for me, invited us for Christmas with her extended family, and is baby-sitting one evening next month so I can attend a work event! There are two friends from work, one of whom is a great mummy friend, is always always reminding me to call her if we are stuck for anything at all (and means it – she has the experience of being in Canada without family, having come with her husband and his father and wanting to desperately ensure we are not alone) and the other is a person my kid’s think hung the moon. Added to that, there are the internet aunties who care about us deeply, many of whom played a role in the adoption coming to fruition.

I said one prayer and something small yet profound happened.

We are not joined by blood
We are not joined by marriage
We are not joined by adoption decree
But we are joined in the ways that really matter, love.

As my daughter said the other day when I was talking to her about families coming in all different shapes and sizes, “Mummy, our family is just great, we don’t all live with each other and we sure do look different, but we really do love each other, don’t we?” That we do my darling, that we do.

Yet again, through my children, I learn a valuable lesson in simplicity – sometimes all you have to do is ask!

My children’s school charges for an enriched (non-optional) gym program and any extras, I suppose like many schools do. So far the extras offered: skiing, skating, gymnastics, dance and a ball based program, have come to a total cost of approximately $750 (approx 450 pounds) per child. Needless to say, my little ones haven’t participated in all those activities (they have done dance and are signed up for the ball skill program in January), though for almost all, they were the only children in the class not to do so. In truth, I would have signed them up for none and only relented with two options so there was something they were involved in with their class. You see, they are already in a much more appropriate dance program {is it just me who would rather her child dance to an Irish gig than Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies with some questionable moves I don’t think children that age should know?!} and I plan to do a family ball based program with them {a far more affordable one} through our local recreation centre. Honestly, I’d rather be there to watch and cheer them on, despite school trying to sell the programming to me by saying “but parents love it, it means they don’t have to find the time to do activities with their children at the weekends”. Oh no, dear School, that will never “sell” me. Added to this, one of my children has a physical special need which means certain movement must be restricted and I’m genuinely not convinced is gently being reminded {the pain only comes after, so it doesn’t stop actions in time}.

The assumptions don’t end there, there was a weekend camping trip, 55 hours at a cost of $500 for two (why on earth 5-8 years olds need 2.5 days away from their family I will never understand!) which I stood my ground on and explained there was no way, with all the transitions and families my children have had, that in these early days it is appropriate for my children to be away {and I even checked in with our adoption social worker who heartedly agreed and gave me the evidence to back up my argument,  attachment experts say children who are adopted should not be away for even one night for a minimum of a year}. I explained and was certainly made to feel like a naughty child. I held my ground despite hearing that “I was holding back on giving them essential life skills that will only be taught on this overnight trip with school”. I held my laughter as I wanted to explain “essential life skills” are that Mama loves you and is here for you for always and ever, and that this home is for FOREVER, not another one of the 8 {for my daughter} and 14 {for my son}…

Then there are the requests: by Friday your child must have a red hat, brown sunglasses, black dress pants, a grey shirt, $20 to donate to a present swap, a brand new notebook, a collection of french books yada yada.

All this comes to a grand assumption that this Mama has a spare $2140 lyng around over the last three months. I most certainly do not and even if I did, I can honestly say, I don’t think any of what they “sell” is in my particular children’s best interest.

Here’s the truth, I don’t like the assumption that everyone has money for the extras, not because we personally don’t, but because I think having a lot of extras lying around means that there was a cost somewhere else. How many people will never adopt a child because they think they can’t afford it because their life is so filled with luxury extras? How many children are left 11 hours a day at school each day, while their parents work corporate jobs to pay for extras they will never enjoy with their children because they don’t have time? How many schools/administrators/parents mix up needs and wants and don’t understand the skills we can get simply by playing a game together, or going on a nature walk, or just singing songs. I think, yet again, money makes what could be so simple, become something far more complicated than needed. And for as long as I possibly can, I will shield my children in the best way I know: simplicity, communication about our choices and love, in abundance.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about debt; I loathe debt and yet for a long while I didn’t realize debt wasn’t necessarily about money.  The truth is you can be in many types of debt and not even realize the effect it has. You can be in debt to sleep, work, dreams, goals, health, money, stuff, banks, friends, family, your home, blogs, email, yourself and your pets, to name but a few. Debt can either mean owing people something {time, money, correspondence or care} or being ruled by something {shopping, busyness, emotions, the internet, socializing or stress}. No matter what type of debt you are in it has the same consequences and causes the same sweaty brow that seeing a massive credit card bill elicits and the same stress as a phone call from a creditor! It is serious stuff!

Most of the time I think we are in time debt, not giving our body, our home, our family or our friends what we should because we are too busy. As I’ve adjusted to my new life I realize I’ve been in the debt of busyness, neglecting important people & crucial rhythms in my life and only doing the motions with my Bible readings & prayer. Sure I’ve sent the odd email here and there, I’ve said my prayers and read some passages, but to me that’s a bit like giving a minimum payment, it’s a coin in a very LARGE bucket and not really a solution to the problem. It is the beginning of a cycle it is nigh on impossible to break.

We are fed image after image of busyness, our success is measured by how much we’ve accomplished, what letters we have after our names, how big the size of our home is, what our wardrobe & accessories look like, the size of our bank accounts/retirement savings and how young we can retire. Only I often look at those things and think about what debt we had to take on in order to make those choices, what relationships did we not nourish, what time did we not give people we love, what visits to see family did we not take, what phone calls to tell someone they matter were we too busy to make, because one thing I’ve learned is you simply can not have it all. Too often we swap one type of debt for another, playing cat & mouse with nothing keeping us on track, when the truth is life is a trade-off and we need an anchor in order to keep our path straight or we are forever chasing that which we can not catch. Whether we believe it or not, we can’t necessarily accomplish in one area without neglecting another. And I’d rather neglect the areas that aren’t important and cherish the people & values that are most important.

My name is Frugal Trenches and while I get that life comes with ebbs & flows, the truth is debt {of any kind} is not my friend!

When I lived in Devon I knew no matter what happened in my life I could always find a place to breathe. Of course I breathe thousands of times each day, but purposeful breathing is rare and beautiful and filled with grace. As of late, I’ve felt it a bit harder to live to the art in which I so strongly believe, partly because I’m in the midst of a big city, partly because I’m working an incredible amount of hours, partly because it is minus one hundred . But instead of feeling like I’m walking further and further away from the water’s edge, I’m going to admit what I need more of {obviously walking among wild ponies & visiting the seaside are out } and find a way to carve out little pieces of goodness into each day.

I need more knitting time because my own personal therapy is hearing those needles click, ever so gently, ever so beautifully, making a divine creation right before your eyes {and yes for a moment I’m going to think my creations are divine even though they are most certainly the work of a beginner…!}

And there will be lots of snuggles while curled up with a kitty or two, hot water bottle behind the back and some beautiful music playing softly in the background. Music which speaks to the soul, warms the heart and let’s the imagination soar…

There will be more time with friends, even if the to do list reaches the floor, even if I can think of a hundred reasons why I should work instead!

I need to gaze more at the sky & take more photographs. I need to imagine a day when the leaves will be blooming instead of bare and be thankful for the beauty of seasons.

I will find the time to cherish my body a little bit more, to care about it enough to make that little bit more of a committment needed each day; I will remind myself it is OK to give yourself this gift of nourishment.

And I will nourish my soul through praise & prayer and thanksgiving, even if the building isn’t like something on a postcard.

I need more:

:: Knitting
:: Reading
:: Outdoors
:: Photo taking
:: Music
:: Praise Giving
:: Time to see the beauty that exists everywhere

The to do lists can wait for a love of beauty is calling – do you hear it too?

“Sometimes we stare so long at our balloon in the sky we forget that our ice cream is melting on our plate”

I’m in a season of incredible change, exciting change, longed for yet scary change, it’s a season of following callings and making big decisions that don’t just effect my life but other people’s as well. For a long while I became guilty of staring constantly at the balloon in the sky [my heart's desires] I couldn’t appreciate the ice cream on my plate. The ice cream on my plate is yummy, beautiful, tasty and unique. It may not be the flavour I most wanted, in fact it may have the occasional sour taste, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

One of my favourite quotes from the book Do Hard Things is “what we become later in life largely depends on what we become now”. In truth, for the last few years, I have not lived in this way, I have not lived in true appreciation for what & who is right in front of me. I have not always seen the beauty in the hard moments, I have not always been in a place of thankfulness, I have not always been able to see that my actions now effect who I could become, or not, in the future. I think I felt that I was in a season of waiting and waiting and waiting. In many ways, that was true, the problem was how I struggled during my wait instead of realizing waiting is also preparing and every difficult challenge needs a lot of preparation!

I have no doubt that I am just where God needed me to be, in order for me to be part of a pretty big and amazing situation. Suddenly the balloon is something I’m not just staring at but I’m actively holding. The reality is, the balloon may blow away, it may pop, but through it all there’s a plan and my role is to serve, love, do all I can to hold on tight and believe the balloon can fly. My role is to choose thankfulness and to be both the change I want to see in the world, and be the person I know God wants me to become.  Through the “impossible” challenge(s), I’m going to choose joy. I doubt it will always be easy, but I know joy is part of the solution, it mobilizes, motivates, encourages and provides. 

My name is Frugal Trenches and I choose Joy!  I do not, however, own a green dress and lately when I think of joy I imagine myself in a green dress, holding a balloon and an ice-cream cause I’m greedy like that   And one day I am going to get a photographer to take a picture of me in a green dress with my ice cream and balloon and I will share it here! The picture…not the icecream! :0)

Do you know what your balloon is? Do you see the beauty in your icecream?