I’ve been absent for quite some time. I realize it is because I’ve been waiting for something big, or profound to say. Something that would make me, and others, think it was good I took the time to come back. Only the truth is, I have nothing in he realm of profound to share. Over the last couple of months there have been lots of different directions we’ve been pulled in: my daughter’s spine condition, my son being hospitalized with a very nasty form of bronchitis, my son finally turning a corner after 2 weeks, to then catch such a nasty eye infection he couldn’t see for days, a realization of just how stiff my daughters hands are, my son being diagnosed with a type of movement disorder, trying meds that have side effects (oh my!), dealing with the effects of one missed dose, (oh so terrible!). And I’ve had a promotion at work, the normal stresses and strains of work life and we’ve had to deal with negotiating relationships with birth family (not easy, not easy) and the bills, well they make you loose sleep at night. Or they do me. And just when I think I’ve somewhat balanced things, a new need (not want) presents and we start all over again…

But I realize something. Where I’ve been going wrong is I haven’t really stopped to notice the little things. I’ve been so busy, so tired, so overwhelmed, so on my own trying to find a clear path for us all (you know, a month with no new diagnosis, no new $2000+ bill) that I’ve not taken the time to stop and stare at flowers, or pick up my camera to catch a bloom, or a smiling face, or jumping feet.

I’ve realized I’ve approached this blog with the same mentality, if it can’t be easy, if it can’t be a big, or symbolize a profound change, then there’s nothing to say, no beauty to be found and that simply isn’t true. The last almost three months have been stretching beyond belief, but they also have been filled with joy. My son transitions so much better now and doesn’t need to have 2 hr temper tantrum simply because of a change in routine (hallelujah!). My daughter learned to ride a bike (pure joy!) and despite being more fearful than I have ever seen a child be over the task (shaking and spluttering and crying, oh my!) within 3 minutes she was off and never looked back. My children now express their love to each other, have learned to play nicely together and don’t compete constantly for my attention. We have had a few beautiful walks, a lovely friend taught them how to plant, we were able to rent a community garden plot (think allotment if you are a Brit) and have oh so many plans of what to grow – this weekend folks, this weekend! And the greatest thing is the small things my heart tells me, the daily swelling of love that builds and erupts like a mini volcano, the joy I have when I pick my loves up from school, the happiness I have knowing we are all together.

Yes, there are some major challenges. My day starts at 5 am each morning and rarely ends before 11pm. I couldn’t tell you the last time I was able to do much of anything for me.  And in truth, after almost 9 months of motherhood to two, I do need some time to myself (right now I’m either at work or with my children), but that will come. Right now the budget doesn’t allow for a baby-sitter, even for an evening. And while I do often think it would make me a better mother to have a break (I think the biggest challenge is there is no one to even watch them for 20 minutes while you run an errand or have a nap when you are sick and desperately need sleep) I also accept fully my time and place is with them. Fully with them and that makes my heart skip a beat with joy.

And as I write this, I see that over the last few months the close people in our lives have done small things in so many ways which brought the gentle love we needed and a reminder to me to keep breathing. From a friend afar who phones and prays for us daily, to my children’s Godparents who always help me out with childcare in pinch and include us as family. We’ve been blessed by a friend who lets my children feel loved and accepted and part of something and the same friend has given us more bags of soil, coffee, flowers, food and immune boosters (as well as a bike!) than I could even count or express my gratitude for. This outpouring of love made me remember a value that was so important to me and so rare here in the west, the value of living as a community – meeting each other’s needs and sharing each other’s joy in big ways and small.  Thinking of other people daily. Sharing. Giving. Receiving. Unifying.

So there are no profound words, I’m far too tired. But I’ve decided to come back to blogging (oh do I have some apologies to make!). I hope it awakens in me the desire to focus my lens (literally and figuratively) on the small things – my children’s smiles, the flowers we pick, the seeds we plant, the steps we take. And once and for all, try to live the life I believe in.

Lessons

• The mama bear instinct to protect is ferocious and just the reminder on the days you most need it of how much your children mean to you
• There will be days you feel like you have strangers living in your home. Not many people suddenly have two people they don’t know, with likes and dislikes they can articulate and opinions that are just as valid as your own (& worthy of respect) move in overnight.
• It is O.K. to grieve for your past life. You will miss it. The freedom, the financial security, the ability to rest, relax and make choices that are right for you.
• Often the choices you make as best for your children are not best for you. That is O.K. they really do come first and you don’t even realize the sacrifices you are making until someone points it out.
• People will support you. I can not tell you how much my children’s Godparents have helped me. I do not know where I would be without them. They continue to help me out in a pinch when I have work commitments I can’t get out of and school is not in session. Having no family in the country, well, things like this make us a tad vulnerable.
• Adopting children brings out past grief (miscarriages, stillbirth, widowhood, deaths of parents, poor attachment to your own family as a child) –  if there is past trauma there, you will find it. Be prepared.
• Trust your motherhood instincts. You may not be a “professional” but you know your children better, even after only living together a few months, then someone who sees them in an office setting.
• Special needs bring with them worry about the future. No matter how aware you were of the risks, you do worry about where those needs will lead your children in the teenage years and beyond.
• Mothering two is a whole different ballgame to one. One child was e.a.s.y., I could really just take her with me anywhere. Life didn’t change that much. Adding in my son and the third child that is sibling rivalry/exciting each other, well that puts us in a new place.
• Sometimes you need to put one child’s needs over another. That is h.a.r.d.
• But then you realize it is give and take. The other child will get their turn.
• A career and parenting are not always a great mix. If I had the choice I would work far less hours or not at all. Obviously that isn’t possible and we make the best of it.
•  Children, particularly with special needs, can bankrupt you. It isn’t that I believe children are necessarily expensive – I purchase almost everything for them second hand, we use the library, make arts & crafts by repurposing materials and don’t gather “stuff” but their special needs costs thousands.
• Expect if you adopt that special needs will present that you did not know about. Both of my children have had three (potential four – we are awaiting results) turn up that were not know about at adoption. If we did everything recommended, it would cost about an additional $2000 a month to what I already spend.
• When your children have a history which impacts on them/their learning/behaviour/growth & development, it will be very hard to engage with parents of more typical kids. Talking about sticker charts, bed wetting and how to achieve balance isn’t possible when you are waiting to find out scary test results.
• About special needs, one thing to consider when adopting is whether you have anyone in your life that could cope with your child(rens) special needs in the event you can’t parent either short-term (illness, work trip etc.) or should something happen to you. The very thought, is at times, bone chilling.
• People you barely have a relationship with pre-adoption will become something special to you & your children post-adoption.  It is quite beautiful how children make connections.
• You will never be the parent you think you will be.
• Perfection doesn’t exist.
• There will be days you want to rewind. Sometimes many days in a row.
• There will be days which are so joyous you want to bottle them up and breathe them in.
• The realization you may always need to parent therapeutically hits h.a.r.d.
• The realization you have it so much better than many families who are struggling makes you so thankful yours are doing so well.
• The reality that you may always need to deal with previous families of your children is tough, particularly when some want to be over-involved and others dropped them like a hot potato and even when they agreed they would maintain some contact so your child doesn’t feel unloved (particular as there is a sibling still there), they just reject and reject and reject.
• Ghosts from your children’s pasts may resurface when you least expect it.
• Your children will suddenly make gains you, or the experts, never thought possible!
• Your children will tell you they love you just when you need to hear it.
• Some personalities mix better than others. But you still have to make it work in a family. Over time you can try to find solutions and explain each person has needs. They may not get it at first, but just keep trying to explain how everyone is unique. You need the reminder more than they do! 
• Motherhood is relentless, exhausting, beautiful, joyous and by far the best experience of my life.
• Adoption is beautiful. Poetic.  Magical. But it is, like most things in life, a journey. A journey with bumps and potholes but a journey which arrives somewhere beautiful.

March, I am so glad you are here. It hasn’t been anywhere near as treacherous a winter as last, but I am ready for spring. Spring and Autumn for me is where it is at. Mild weather, long walks, no extreme body reactions to the outdoors, just relaxed, wonderful and perfectly marvelous in every way!  And in March we have plans, oh yes. A Birthday to celebrate, St. Patrick’s Day funky glasses to wear, swimming lessons to start and a fun meet up with friends to be enjoyed. Yes, March, we have some lovely plans for YOU!

And since I’m finally getting my act together as we celebrate six months together, I really really need to get back to some SMART goals for each month. So for March, as we move from the foundation building we’ve been doing for the last 6 months to something more, we’re ready to mix up a few things and do a bit more! Goals for March…

Mothering
- Sign up both children for swimming lessons
- Sign up both for a sports program for spring/summer
- Take a long walk each week together
- Read a chapter book together
- Swim once a week together
- Meet up with friends

Myself
- Blog at least 3x a week
- Dentist
- Keep to my cleaning schedule (isn’t life so much easier with an organized home?!)
- Attend my book group – children welcome
- Finish the cowl I’m making
- Begin a volunteer role for ChinaKidz (now Butterfly Children’s Hospice)

Budgeting/Finance
- Attempt a budget, again!
- Stick to $250 groceries
- Online banking & bills
- Taxes
- Pay vet bill

Spiritual
- Read the book of Matthew
- Attend Church 3 x (1/3)
- Listen to two online sermons (1/2)

Friendships/Relationships
- Don’t forget 2 friend’s Birthdays
- Write letter to friend R
- Write email to Godmother
- Write letter & card to aunt
- Write email to friend in Australia

I was reading an update the other day from a new adoptive family and oh how I remembered those hard days of adjustment. Traumatized children, no routines, adult bodies in total shock at the – well, demanding nature of it all. But lately, lately, as we hit the 6 month mark (this week in fact!), it all seems so very settled, relaxed, peaceful and like suddenly we all know what to expect. Apologies come freely for when things don’t go as planned. Little bodies previously only capable of negative words, now freely encouraging each other and me. My children wake up with smiles instead of tears. They have plans instead of hopelessness. And sometimes those plans include bowling. And bowling may be a pretty normal activity for most families, but for us, it signals my children can hold a ball, they have gained gross and fine motor skills some “professionals” thought never possible. Expert bowlers my two are. Oh yes!

And now, none of the reports matter, the chaos is gone, all is settled – these four feet are home. Not just home, but really home. Home in my mind and heart, home in the space that takes up everything in between.   And as my body, heart and soul adjusted, a funny thing started happening, I began nesting, again. My body yearns to make and create and wipe tears and the hardest thing I do is begin each Monday morning anew. And suddenly each hour is a countdown to when I can hold my babies again. We are exactly where we should be. Completely and utterly belonging to each other…forever!

I was in the midst of my big fret, crying one rainy night driving home from work & school and a voice whispered “just pray”. I said one quick prayer asking for a village to come together, my close friends to accept sacred roles as Godparents and a friend who my children have taken to, to accept being a bit of an honorary auntie.  I asked for people to care about us and identify us as their family, like we do them {it’s not a nice feeling to think you care/need people more than they do you!}

Less than a month later, I can honestly say I see our small and mighty village. There are my close friends Fitzy, her husband Mr. C and their baby (this very week Mr. C in conversation with his partner said we are part of their family as he hung my children’s picture on their fridge) who we enjoyed a pre-Christmas gathering with, a Christmas dinner on Boxing Day together and Fitzy is becoming baby-sitter extraordinaire one day next week. There is a friend from University who took my children out to help them make Christmas gifts for me, invited us for Christmas with her extended family, and is baby-sitting one evening next month so I can attend a work event! There are two friends from work, one of whom is a great mummy friend, is always always reminding me to call her if we are stuck for anything at all (and means it – she has the experience of being in Canada without family, having come with her husband and his father and wanting to desperately ensure we are not alone) and the other is a person my kid’s think hung the moon. Added to that, there are the internet aunties who care about us deeply, many of whom played a role in the adoption coming to fruition.

I said one prayer and something small yet profound happened.

We are not joined by blood
We are not joined by marriage
We are not joined by adoption decree
But we are joined in the ways that really matter, love.

As my daughter said the other day when I was talking to her about families coming in all different shapes and sizes, “Mummy, our family is just great, we don’t all live with each other and we sure do look different, but we really do love each other, don’t we?” That we do my darling, that we do.

Yet again, through my children, I learn a valuable lesson in simplicity – sometimes all you have to do is ask!

My children’s school charges for an enriched (non-optional) gym program and any extras, I suppose like many schools do. So far the extras offered: skiing, skating, gymnastics, dance and a ball based program, have come to a total cost of approximately $750 (approx 450 pounds) per child. Needless to say, my little ones haven’t participated in all those activities (they have done dance and are signed up for the ball skill program in January), though for almost all, they were the only children in the class not to do so. In truth, I would have signed them up for none and only relented with two options so there was something they were involved in with their class. You see, they are already in a much more appropriate dance program {is it just me who would rather her child dance to an Irish gig than Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies with some questionable moves I don’t think children that age should know?!} and I plan to do a family ball based program with them {a far more affordable one} through our local recreation centre. Honestly, I’d rather be there to watch and cheer them on, despite school trying to sell the programming to me by saying “but parents love it, it means they don’t have to find the time to do activities with their children at the weekends”. Oh no, dear School, that will never “sell” me. Added to this, one of my children has a physical special need which means certain movement must be restricted and I’m genuinely not convinced is gently being reminded {the pain only comes after, so it doesn’t stop actions in time}.

The assumptions don’t end there, there was a weekend camping trip, 55 hours at a cost of $500 for two (why on earth 5-8 years olds need 2.5 days away from their family I will never understand!) which I stood my ground on and explained there was no way, with all the transitions and families my children have had, that in these early days it is appropriate for my children to be away {and I even checked in with our adoption social worker who heartedly agreed and gave me the evidence to back up my argument,  attachment experts say children who are adopted should not be away for even one night for a minimum of a year}. I explained and was certainly made to feel like a naughty child. I held my ground despite hearing that “I was holding back on giving them essential life skills that will only be taught on this overnight trip with school”. I held my laughter as I wanted to explain “essential life skills” are that Mama loves you and is here for you for always and ever, and that this home is for FOREVER, not another one of the 8 {for my daughter} and 14 {for my son}…

Then there are the requests: by Friday your child must have a red hat, brown sunglasses, black dress pants, a grey shirt, $20 to donate to a present swap, a brand new notebook, a collection of french books yada yada.

All this comes to a grand assumption that this Mama has a spare $2140 lyng around over the last three months. I most certainly do not and even if I did, I can honestly say, I don’t think any of what they “sell” is in my particular children’s best interest.

Here’s the truth, I don’t like the assumption that everyone has money for the extras, not because we personally don’t, but because I think having a lot of extras lying around means that there was a cost somewhere else. How many people will never adopt a child because they think they can’t afford it because their life is so filled with luxury extras? How many children are left 11 hours a day at school each day, while their parents work corporate jobs to pay for extras they will never enjoy with their children because they don’t have time? How many schools/administrators/parents mix up needs and wants and don’t understand the skills we can get simply by playing a game together, or going on a nature walk, or just singing songs. I think, yet again, money makes what could be so simple, become something far more complicated than needed. And for as long as I possibly can, I will shield my children in the best way I know: simplicity, communication about our choices and love, in abundance.

I found key themes have thread through the month, themes which my children teach me again and again…

Simplicity – our Christmas was simple. No large tree adorned our home, there were few decorations (a fairtrade nativty set, a small wire blinking 3 ft tree, window stickers). We didn’t travel. We didn’t have late nights. We nourished our souls with rest and time together. We spent time only with those who are the closest to us. I learned as a parent children need simplicity and perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves, is to listen to these wise little souls {if only school would listen to and stop with the holiday hoopla – though that is a post for another day!}.

Build A Village – As I sit here on the eve of the 26th, I can see a little baby seat at my dining room table, accidentally left behind by my children’s godparents. I can smell the chili I made to feed us all. I am tired from our drive to a little city an hour away earlier today, where we visited friends from University. I can see gifts under the tree from friends who were so good to us. I have memories of a quiet Christmas Eve with someone my children adore and who is a new and unexpected person in our lives.

Accept Help – This is something I have long struggled with, but watching my children trust me enough to accept help from me, has taught me something valuable. It is a gift not only to help others, but to accept the same support from others in return. It does something special – it builds trust, friendship and well, a village. It makes one not feel so alone.

Give Thanks - There is always something to be thankful for. My children have taught me that again and again, even on their hardest days, they have no end of things they are grateful for. Expressing thanks is so often the easy thing to cut out after a long and weary day, but their little hearts are always ready, their hands always willing to be put together. Gratitude in abundance changes the direction of our lives.

This year was filled with firsts, the first time I heard someone call me Mummy, the first time I got to say “my daughter and son”, the first time I realized the power of the mother & child bond, the first time I realized I know absolutely nothing, but we will learn as we go, together.  Motherhood has given me more humbleness, but also more confidence; in a world where children are bombarded with values in direct opposition to mine, I’m able to have the confidence to carve out a life that looks different but feels right.  And oh how being their mother feels oh so right!

To everyone who helped us get to this amazing place of celebrating our first Christmas, thank-you. Our first only happened because of you! And to my darling children, here is to many many more Christmases together!

• Read my Bible every day - even if all I can manage is a passage or two! I feel as a mother, I need this quiet “spiritual milk” more than ever before!
• Read out loud from a Chapter book to my children each day and take the time to talk through the plot with them to increase their reading comprehension. Because of the chronic neglect they both suffered in their previous families, my daughter’s language processing delay and my son’s speech delay, it can be a challenge for them to articulate their thoughts and it makes people think they understand less than they really do; a little daily practice will help give them the skills and confidence they need!
• Get the dishes done every single night before I go to bed! There is something about dirty dishes on the counter top, or in the sink, that sets a negative tone and makes me neglect other areas in my home, too!
• Write and stick to a weekly menu plan!
• Spend no more than $75 a week on groceries! I really wish it didn’t have to be so high, but both my children were severely underweight at adoption and so I happily spend on foods which are helping them gain weight and grow! Their last Dr’s appt, their Dr took one look at them and said they looked like different children – their faces had filled out, their skin was better, their hair was growing etc. And the great news is, they are now in the 5th percentile on the height/weight charts! It took a LOT of work to get them there, but so worth it. Yes, we can ignore the fact that 95% of children their age are bigger than they are !
• Drink 4 glasses of water per day – this hasn’t happened in three months. Bad me!
• Take my children for a long trail walk each weekend.
• Unplug every single Sunday. I’ve always taken a day to unplug but now that I have children, I really want it to be a day at the weekend. I feel like Sundays are so important, both in terms of a sabbath and in order to set the tone for the week and get everything ready for 5 very very full days. Sundays it is!
• Finish reading Boundaries: When To Say Yes and How To Say No.  Motherhood humbles you and makes you see all the areas you struggle in that you don’t want to pass onto your children. There have been eight times in the last three months, where I should have stood up and said something  for the best outcome for my family, instead I was either silent or I didn’t define my/our boundaries. I’m hoping this book helps!
• Go to bed every single night by 10pm & have my children in bed with lights out by 7:45 pm. I will admit right now my sleep is all over the place, probably 2 nights a week I fall asleep immediately after my children do, another two nights a week I’m up until the wee hours of the morning and the rest somewhere in between.  My big goal right now is to take all the learning about my children’s needs over the last three months and establish both a rhythm for them and a rhythm for me that helps me best meet their needs. And the reality is, I need enough sleep in order to be the best parent I can be!

Those are my 10 goals for the month!

In other news, we are doing great. We have a big month this month (more on that later!) but our days are filled with sunshine and laughter. My children are simply fabulous!

What are your goals for December?

Last nights dinner - veggie thai green curry, rice, cashew salad, avocado & cucumber!

My first six weeks of motherhood included a scary food bill, I tried not to let it bother me because as I’ve mentioned before, my focus was on one thing and one thing only – survival! Over the last couple of weeks as we settled into “normal”, a spring returned to my step {though my email address has thousands of unread emails, so I’m not exactly totally “normal” yet!} and I’m ready to embrace menu planning again!  When I received my children, I was told my son only ate about 4 things, my daughter much more, but certainly was not on a diet that I would feed my child. I knew based on some of their special needs that diet was something that needed to change asap. I can tell you that apart from goat cheese and some hummus,  my children eat everything – quinoa, avocado, almonds, broccoli and the list goes on and on and on! I am so so blessed because apart from loads of gentle encouragement, explanations about how our taste buds need to get used to foods and involving them in meal preparations, I haven’t had to do any more! So this week will be our first menu planned week and so far it looks pretty good!

Breakfasts
Cereal with milk, 1/2 cut up banana
Almond butter sandwich, fruit  x 2
Beans on toast, fruit
Scrambled egg on toast, fruit
Cheese, yoghurt, fruit, almonds x 2

Lunch [they get lunch at school, so this week I only need to plan 3 lunches}
Tuna sandwiches, cut up slices of cucumber, peppers, tomatoes, fruit
Lentil soup, salad, fruit x2

Dinner
Vegetarian chili, rice, avocado, corn on the cob, salad, fruit x 2
Salmon, sweet potato fries, salad, green beans, fruit
Curried cauliflower and chickpeas, salad, peas, fruit  x 2
Alfredo spinach pasta, salad, squash, green beans, fruit
Homemade potato wedges, eggs, spring rolls, salad, tomatoes, fruit salad

I’m also going to make a large pear crisp!

And there you have it; wish us luck