“Sometimes we stare so long at our balloon in the sky we forget that our ice cream is melting on our plate”

I’m in a season of incredible change, exciting change, longed for yet scary change, it’s a season of following callings and making big decisions that don’t just effect my life but other people’s as well. For a long while I became guilty of staring constantly at the balloon in the sky [my heart's desires] I couldn’t appreciate the ice cream on my plate. The ice cream on my plate is yummy, beautiful, tasty and unique. It may not be the flavour I most wanted, in fact it may have the occasional sour taste, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

One of my favourite quotes from the book Do Hard Things is “what we become later in life largely depends on what we become now”. In truth, for the last few years, I have not lived in this way, I have not lived in true appreciation for what & who is right in front of me. I have not always seen the beauty in the hard moments, I have not always been in a place of thankfulness, I have not always been able to see that my actions now effect who I could become, or not, in the future. I think I felt that I was in a season of waiting and waiting and waiting. In many ways, that was true, the problem was how I struggled during my wait instead of realizing waiting is also preparing and every difficult challenge needs a lot of preparation!

I have no doubt that I am just where God needed me to be, in order for me to be part of a pretty big and amazing situation. Suddenly the balloon is something I’m not just staring at but I’m actively holding. The reality is, the balloon may blow away, it may pop, but through it all there’s a plan and my role is to serve, love, do all I can to hold on tight and believe the balloon can fly. My role is to choose thankfulness and to be both the change I want to see in the world, and be the person I know God wants me to become.  Through the “impossible” challenge(s), I’m going to choose joy. I doubt it will always be easy, but I know joy is part of the solution, it mobilizes, motivates, encourages and provides. 

My name is Frugal Trenches and I choose Joy!  I do not, however, own a green dress and lately when I think of joy I imagine myself in a green dress, holding a balloon and an ice-cream cause I’m greedy like that   And one day I am going to get a photographer to take a picture of me in a green dress with my ice cream and balloon and I will share it here! The picture…not the icecream! :0)

Do you know what your balloon is? Do you see the beauty in your icecream?

July is going to be a HUGE month here in the Frugal Trenches household!  The goals for the month are:

• Gather six references
• Two telephone appointments
• Unpack from volunteering overseas
• Pack (!)
• Book the leap of faith “impossible” challenge Birthday gift!
• Get a plan of action together for August…(it’s when I hope the leap of faith results in the net appearing!)
• Get prescriptions renewed
• Go to the Dentist
• Get eyes tested
• Swim 25x
• Go for a 1 hour walk each day
• Spend some time with my niece
• Send a parcel to the orphanage I was volunteering at
• Begin a weekly post/series about volunteering/helping opportunities around the world
• Finish the my first knitted baby blanket and send to a friend who is due July 14th (pictures to follow!)
• Schedule four volunteering days in my community (weekends over the month of July!)
• Begin a knitting project to send hats and blankets to orphanages for Christmas/winter!
• Clear out all old paperwork so I only have papers from 2009+
• Get Criminal Reference Check
• Read Isaiah, Job, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes

I chose this picture as a reminder a big storm cloud may appear, but the sun will *always* be waiting behind it.

What are your July plans?

Lately I’ve felt like I have a mountain to climb.  I needed to get a job, in order to rent a small flat in the area I hope to purchase the small holding. I need to rent somewhere to find the time to look around and save. I need to save to buy the property & land [and when I say property, let me be clear, it will probably be two rooms and maybe an indoor bathroom ;0)]. I need to own the home in order to create a family…and well, the list goes on. In between all that, there were applications, each of which involve writing an essay. On top of that I help a family member in a voluntary capacity, who needs a lot of daily support. Plus there is a very needy friend, who I’m trying very very hard to help practically, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get it together enough to visit/help/support as much as needed and I, in many ways, feel like I’m failing to be the right person in this role. There were visitors for three weeks, which I’m still trying to recover financially from, car woes,  flu, colds, eczema and then the normal everyday stuff which just seems all together too time consuming. And then I got the job and instead of feeling relief, somehow I felt ready to crash and burn.

Taking a path that is different to most, is not easy. Being sure 24/7 of what you are doing and why you are doing it, is never possible. Add to that being too busy, worrying about money and not spending enough time giving thanks, giving praise and seeking peace, well, for me, it’s a recipe for disaster. Yesterday I began questioning every choice I was making, not relying on what I know the plan is, and instead trying, as a lowly, imperfect, sometimes incredibly selfish human who wants things to be easier & quicker than they are, to come up with a different plan.  I was making myself miserable!

I’m blessed that I sent off three emails before throwing myself into bed last night, one to Michelle, another to Fitzy and the final one to my friend who recently moved home to Australia. Michelle and Fitzy both reassured me I haven’t made these decisions without a great deal of prayer, thought and consideration and that it is obvious the plan is working [I did get the job afterall!] and what happens now will open the doors for the things which await. Oh how wonderful to be reminded! Why is it we so often forget? The reality is we need foundation, we need the right tools in order to get the job done!  My friend in Australia, whose given up a career and has gone back to school at age 28 said this:

“Why oh why is it so hard??? I must admit part of me is envious of people who just seem to ‘know’ that the job/relationship/town/city where they are is the right one for them. But I think I’d still rather be the way I am and the way you are too…..in a constant state of ‘not knowing”

And it hit me. This isn’t hard, in many ways it’s the privilege which comes from being honest with who you are and to having to rely on God for everything, yes everything! I occasionally hear from a childhood friend whose emails are packed with information about the marble tiles they’ve chosen [3 paragraphs filled with information!] and how they’ll never go on a vacation as they’d rather buy new furniture every year and how her shoe collection alone would buy them a two week cruise.  She will share that she doesn’t understand why I’d give up time for free to volunteer because I could work that evening each week and get money instead, she showed disgust when I said I was trying ever so hard to get the funds together to go to China to help a unique project which will basically set up a program to care for dying children. But why would you pay your own money to go help people, I think was the reply. In all honesty, we are in different worlds and that is OK. I think, what I’d forgotten is that people who’ve chosen a different path to me may have more stability, they may, to some people, seem more “together”, a nice house on an estate, working 9-5, with no desire to do anything different. That is okay for them, but it isn’t for me. It isn’t that I’m better it’s more that I hear a calling, I feel a need to act. That which is the desire of my heart is not easy, in fact, may I be honest and say it is very very difficult. Will there probably be many days over the next few weeks, months, and even years where I wish I was the type of person who could send emails about marble flooring? Maybe [of course it would have to be ethically sourced ;0)]. But I know it isn’t God’s plan for me.

I’m laying my foundation. One step at a time, with God and His grace towards me, hopefully forgiving me for my selfish times where I want to throw in the towel, and instead leading me somewhere all together more amazing than I could ever imagine or accomplish myself.

And practically, when one is really struggling. I suggest giving yourself a couple of hours off to hike and be with wild ponies. Several of them may run away from other hikers and instead walk towards you, they may even give you a cuddle. And you may just feel at peace, and remember to thank God for these small precious moments of calm during the storm, and the reminder that every storm has an ending.

One of the things I miss most about being employed is the ability to save (oh such a reformed shopper, I am!); so when a lovely reminder that in this season of unemployment I’m still managing some saving came through the post yesterday, I was best pleased! A while ago I forgot to put the £30 a month I’m owed from a flatmate into my new account, over the course of a few months it began to build up and I began to see how wonderful it was that it was in a place where I couldn’t use it during this season of need. That account now has more than £250 in it, and it was music to my ears to see a tangible reminder of its growth.

Saving can feel like a very long road and yet a road we must grow to love walking down, a road that makes us skip with glee towards financial stability, the ability to give and knowing we can achieve those things which are most important to us.

So that I have another tangible reminder, I thought I’d share what I’m saving towards. Some of these may be possible to complete by the end of this year, others may take ten years, but each penny is one gleeful skip towards where I’m headed.

My Savings Plans/Jars/Accounts

:: Purchase a cleft lip & palate surgery for a child in need
:: Buy a well for a community in Africa
:: Adoption account – to fund two adoptions (minimum)
:: Support a children’s hospice (right now they need paint!)
:: Fistula surgery account - to provide an essential operation for a girl in need!
:: Home account – purchasing a house
:: Land account – hoping to find a home with some land but extra fields are a bonus!
:: Livestock fund – goats, hens (preferably ex-battery), animals in need of a home!
:: Spontaneous giving account – to be able to instantly help those in need
:: Volunteering overseas
:: Get rid of plastic fund
:: Child sponsorship – current sponsor children, plus a few more!
:: Health
:: Violin and cello lessons
:: Emergency Fund
:: Car maintenance and repair
:: House maintenance and repair
:: Pensions, ISA’s, SIPP’s oh my!

None of these will be easily achieved in a month, or two or even three, but I truly believe having to work hard and wait for that which we most desire, is a blessing in itself!

What are you saving for? Does the long road bring you glee?

:: When working hard all day plumping pillows (and the like), one must stop at 3:30pm for a spot of tea (in an Emma Bridgewater cup of course. Can you guess which one? Prize to whoever does!)

:: And a snuggle with a kitty

:: Followed by a quick dream of the sea

:: And finish with planning your weekend

[yes, my weekend plans include donkeys - doesn't yours?]

There you have it, the recipe for a calm and relaxed life

I have a confession to make. This girl you all think is always grateful, always counting her blessings, always thankful -well I fail miserably at times. To be clear, and in the spirit of honesty, I admit that I failed miserably yesterday, yes on Thankful Tuesday no less.  Ironic?

Over the last year, it feels like I’ve had one door close after another. Whether it be financially, work (the dream job I went for, unemployment), marriage, having a family plans, fertility woes, home ownership plans, health, etc etc etc. I won’t put you to sleep with the details, but it feels like it has been a season of not just doors closing, but doors slamming.

Yesterday’s post about expanding families was perhaps behind the slight emotional meltdown, my poor friend bore the brunt of it and she was gracious enough to send a cheery reply, point out some home truths and forgive my selfishness, for which I am truly grateful. [I am forgiven, yes? I do hope so!] And then it hit me, I think what is hardest is feeling like each day I’m not any closer to where I want to be (job wise, life wise etc). Yes that is it! Major revelation here!! So what can I do? I can’t force a job to appear out of thin air. Believe me I have tried, too often to admit. Sshh! The same tactic doesn’t work when it comes to purchasing a home or building a family through adoption (the adoption costs for UK families to adopt overseas just make my head spin - I won’t go off on a tangent about how we don’t have adoption tax credits or grants for overseas adoption that is for another day. Maybe!), or fertility, or savings, or marriage. Yes, I’ve tried the hugging method too, sadly that isn’t working either. [Perhaps my hugs are broken?] But here’s the thing - it may not feel like I’m one day closer to all these things, it may in fact feel like I’m 19 days further away (yes, 19 to. be. exact.) but the thing is, even if I don’t feel the time is closer, time wise it is. A brilliant revelation I tell you.

So here I am, not in the greatest place as of late, yet 1 day closer to some pretty amazing life events – heck a job would be nice. Then I’ll be another day closer, followed by another. Pretty darn good when you think about it. And in the meantime, I’ll become very used to the sound of doors closing, even though I don’t much like noise

My name is Frank, what’s yours?

[Edited to add: Just read James McAvoy and wife are now expecting. Very happy for them, but you know there goes another dream crashing down. I think James McAvoy and I would have made very adorable babies ]

So suppose you found yourself bed bound, a sight not fit to be seen by anyone’s eyes, a coughing, spluttering mess. Suppose it is snowing outside and you want to be out there making snow angels. In fact you are absolutely jealous of the children out there doing that very thing. And you decide you have to do something to spend away your time. Do you

a. Find barn ruins that you would like to purchase and try to beg convince a friend he should purchase it for you? Of course in it’s current state it looks less like the house above and more like this:

b. Make plans for said house which include fairy lights, a book room, an aga, a great dane, an open fireplace, vases of poppies and peonies, a velvet couch, a nursing chair, a roll top bath, a house filled with cushions (embroidered ones), baskets of wool, the Bible & Love Letters OF Great Men on the nightstand. Spent an hour visualizing the ponies, cows, chickens, sheep and lambs that would have shelter in the field.  There would also be a veggie patch, a secret garden, hundreds of beautiful watering cans and wellies by the door.
c. Decide when you are a Grandmother, you want to be called Umi after seeing it on a pair of shoes
d. Download a free e-book soup, stews & chilis
e. All of the above?

Yup e. What can I say, it was a great day. And what would be even better is if someone purchased the barn for me, you know it is impossible to get a mortgage without a job. And if you buy me such a house I will allow you to visit my library whenever you like. It will be filled with the classics.

A fair bargain? Yes?

A slow transition occurred in 2009- from manic weekends to simple Sundays to relaxed and reclaimed weekends. This one has been no different. While there was a shop, bills to be paid and a sympathetic ear to lend, there was more importantly time to reflect, pray, give thanks, walk, swim, laugh and explore. Haytor and Widecombe-in-the-Moor helped to revive the soul! The wild ponies and I became fast friends, their fur so soft and their nature so welcoming! The rest of the weekend has been spent visiting friends who’ve just purchased a 50 acre plot of land equipped with 300 year old stone cottage and this evening will include a small dinner party.

As I walked through the fields, ponies following me, puppy at my feet. As I sat by the wood burning stove knitting. As I presented a simple homemade meal cooked in the Aga, I could feel the quiet whisper giving me a glimpse into what my future holds.  The whisper may be faint but it calls me, reassures me and satisfies me. It is, calling me home.

I hope your weekend was joyous, simple and reclaimed.

This is me, shortly after finally being allowed out of an incubator for a short visit (oops, might not have been me and instead my parent’s old friends baby! lol). A comment by the lovely Anna, has made me think a great deal about how our life pans out. This week I had some very disappointing and upsetting news, news that has stopped me in my tracks and makes me want to pull in all the more.  Thoughts  are currently rambling through my head about the choices I’ve made, the life I’ve chased that in fact I may not really want or need.

I was the good girl raised to understand and value the importance of education, to never expect anyone to pay for you or help you financially (including the government), to work hard, climb the ladder and contribute on all levels to society.  I had an early first-hand lesson in loss, in understanding why we need to make good choices financially and seeing just how plans can fall apart. My mum didn’t plan to become a widow with child, but nonetheless she did. She returned to work full-time six weeks later and continues to be an inspiration to me and a good example in the value of being a hard worker who puts others before herself and never expects anything from anyone.

There is something about Christmas that makes one reflect on where they are in life and in society, for some this may bring incredible feelings of success in how they define success, for others they may wish things were different and put a lot of hope into the new year. As I see friends around me who made different choices to myself, it can at times make me ponder where I went wrong and make me feel the need to dissect how my life got to this point and to this place. There is little I know or understand about life, but what I do know is questioning  can be helpful as long as we don’t take away the element of choice (good and bad) and replace it instead with feelings of being the victim or feeling entitled to something else, something bigger or something we define as better. As I sit and write this I may feel sadness, disappointment and fear over what lies ahead, but I also must find a way to remember what I don’t feel is starvation or destitution  so really it isn’t half that bad.

I don’t know what lies ahead, I don’t know all of the places I’ll go, but I do know I’m bound to make mistakes along the way and have no choice but to yet again pick myself up, dust myself off and find the strength to continue. Under the guidance of the King my life may not be working out how I’d like or planned but I’m surrounded by love and even when it all feels so hard, so disappointing and incredibly sad,  I’m still surrounded by grace in abundance.

I won’t be putting a full stop where God puts a comma; my story is not over!

And then I watched something from Sight Savers about children, mothers & fathers,  unnecessarily losing their eye sight because there is no money for prevention and treatment.  Not being able to see & work in countries without social support systems most often leads to starvation and death. Moments later I saw some videos from WWF about dogs being shot and monkeys tortured.

And then I found yet another stray cat, this one in much worse condition.

I ended yesterday evening hearing a rumor that a family whose blog I used to read is now homeless, this was a family who did amazing things – adopting, caring for the homeless, volunteering and now I wonder who is helping them and there is no way to contact them and all I can do is pray for them. And while I know that is everything, it doesn’t feel enough.

And I look at my bank balance and feel like it is trying to draw blood out of  a stone to try to do more. And I try very hard to think nice things when I hear someone complain about having to sell their helicopter because having 3 kids is expensive, and I remember I am to love at all times and all people and I am no better, no less selfish, no less imperfect.

And a quiet tug pulls at my heart to forget about the things I want in life (motherhood, a teeny tiny homestead (1 or 2 rooms would be enough), a certain post-grad course) and perhaps instead do something else, like committing to go to China and care for dying children long term. And I wonder if it is possible to combine both or if doing one means saying goodbye to the other?

And I read quotes like this one

“The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity, choosing right over wrong, ethics over convenience, and truth over popularity. These are the choices that measure your life. Travel the path of integrity without looking back, for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing”

And I worry about why I so rarely do the right thing, I so rarely travel the path of integrity without looking back.  I so rarely stop thinking if only I had £50,000, I could adopt and go to China and set up the program that is so desperately needed and yet professionals with the qualifications won’t go because it is unpaid.

But none of those thoughts are helpful, they immobilize instead of mobilize, they let discontentment sneak in when I need to be content, I should be content, I have a lot to be content about. I may not understand why there are such constraints, why it is so difficult at times to do the things you know are the right things, to understand why fear/anxiety/money gets in the way and to focus instead on seeing just how blessings can come when you least expect them.

“For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks the door will be opened” Luke 11:10

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;  they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”  Isaiah 40:31

So today my heart is heavy, very heavy, but I will keep focusing on faith. I know that through faith and faith alone mountains are moved, fear dissipates and blessings arrive. It is through belief in what people can do that people feel moved to give, to bless, to show love, to do hard things. So today I will admit I’m weary, but I pray tomorrow I will have renewed strength to run and not be weary, continue walking and not be faint.