I’ve been thinking a lot lately about debt; I loathe debt and yet for a long while I didn’t realize debt wasn’t necessarily about money.  The truth is you can be in many types of debt and not even realize the effect it has. You can be in debt to sleep, work, dreams, goals, health, money, stuff, banks, friends, family, your home, blogs, email, yourself and your pets, to name but a few. Debt can either mean owing people something {time, money, correspondence or care} or being ruled by something {shopping, busyness, emotions, the internet, socializing or stress}. No matter what type of debt you are in it has the same consequences and causes the same sweaty brow that seeing a massive credit card bill elicits and the same stress as a phone call from a creditor! It is serious stuff!

Most of the time I think we are in time debt, not giving our body, our home, our family or our friends what we should because we are too busy. As I’ve adjusted to my new life I realize I’ve been in the debt of busyness, neglecting important people & crucial rhythms in my life and only doing the motions with my Bible readings & prayer. Sure I’ve sent the odd email here and there, I’ve said my prayers and read some passages, but to me that’s a bit like giving a minimum payment, it’s a coin in a very LARGE bucket and not really a solution to the problem. It is the beginning of a cycle it is nigh on impossible to break.

We are fed image after image of busyness, our success is measured by how much we’ve accomplished, what letters we have after our names, how big the size of our home is, what our wardrobe & accessories look like, the size of our bank accounts/retirement savings and how young we can retire. Only I often look at those things and think about what debt we had to take on in order to make those choices, what relationships did we not nourish, what time did we not give people we love, what visits to see family did we not take, what phone calls to tell someone they matter were we too busy to make, because one thing I’ve learned is you simply can not have it all. Too often we swap one type of debt for another, playing cat & mouse with nothing keeping us on track, when the truth is life is a trade-off and we need an anchor in order to keep our path straight or we are forever chasing that which we can not catch. Whether we believe it or not, we can’t necessarily accomplish in one area without neglecting another. And I’d rather neglect the areas that aren’t important and cherish the people & values that are most important.

My name is Frugal Trenches and while I get that life comes with ebbs & flows, the truth is debt {of any kind} is not my friend!

91. Get over your sense of entitlement! I wrote a very popular series on this in three parts, part one is here, part two here and part three here. I still get emails about this series each week!

92. Realize that in life your choices have both short term and long term consequences. Choosing to buy a house that is more lavish, may short term make you strapped for cash but long term may make you face bankrupcy!

93. Play the would I rather game. I often ask myself, would I rather go out to eat each week and go to the cinema each week or adopt a child in five years. Yes, five years of movies & meals out = the cost of 1 international adoption!

94. Write down what you are thankful for! I honestly believe that people feel entitled or hard done by because they do not see the small blessings in their lives. You can write these down each day or each week or when you are struggling. But understand this, you are blessed!

95. Go and see real suffering and do something to help! I have seen babies die because their parents could not afford antibiotics for ear infections and chest infections. I have held dying child in my arms and felt my heart break into 1 million pieces. I will NEVER feel like I am hard done by, or like I need more money or like I can’t solve the world’s problems so why try doing anything. I know that with sacrifice, hard work, determination and a joyful heart we can ALL make a difference and change our lives in the process!  If you are going on holiday somewhere where there is suffering, commit to spending even a couple of days volunteering. It will change your life!

96. Give! Seriously when you have to budget to give, to sponsor children, to give to great charities, you become more organized with your money!

97. Get over all the reasons you can’t do something and do something you can! For years I was stuck in the bondage of making excuses about what I couldn’t do, instead I needed to realize what I could do. Each step of doing a little bit more got me towards a place of major transformation!

98. Get healing! I believe many people spend to cover up massive holes in their lives, poor self-esteem, a lack of understanding of their needs and feelings and they look to the wrong place to make themselves feel better. Shopping may give you a short term high but you will crash! Find other ways to relax, find joy and rest your soul!

99. Turn off the media! I have stopped watching shows like Relocation Relocation and reading certain newspapers. I honestly see myself begin to slip and think “why does everyone else have more money than me” or “why does money come so easy to those who only want to spend on themselves”. These thoughts are not right, they are not loving and pull me away from the life I have chosen, who I am and my faith.

100.  Get Faith! I have been totally transformed since I became a Christian, my wants and desires have completely changed. I read in a very good secular money book a long time ago the tip to “find God” because those people are happier and have more control of their finances. Faith has transformed my life!

And there you go the end of the series! However, I have so many more tips at some point I might make it 150 ways to save money! Thank you to everyone who posted this on forums and on their blogs, I’m glad so many found it a blessing. These tips alone save me THOUSANDS a year, for all those trying to simplify remember each day you are 1 step closer!

Yesterday afternoon while I should have been working through my list, I was chatting with a butcher. We cured the wrongs of the world through discussion about cow ownership, organic vs. free range, and farming. My mum stood quietly next to me, her eyes, like her hands told a story. When the butcher and I had cured the world (& laughed a great deal about a flexitarian, vegan in training becoming a farmer – to be clear, not a meat farmer) my mum started talking. She told me all about her grandfather, who was a farmer, who loved the land and dedicated his life to “treading lightly”, he was followed by two, almost three generations of people who doesn’t have a personal relationship with the land, who prefer convenience over work, whose idea of being in the country, is an hour at a country pub off the motorway. I say almost three, because that was me, I don’t think I stepped into the countryside until I was 26. Can you imagine? As a teenager I loved talking on the phone, going to the mall, watching movies and shopping. Now? Well, within two years of stepping foot into the countryside I’m looking for a small holding, discussing breeding and animal welfare with a butcher, in the process of getting rid of my phone (really!), cloth toilet paper using (post soon I promise just finding the right laundry system before I post!), Countryfile loving (how did I forget it on the list?), learning to knit, crochet and sew, 2nd hand shopping and seriously contemplating getting rid of my car.

My mum shared the truth, had I never had the children probably none of this would have happened. It took needing to parent four hurting children, four children who needed more than modern society could offer, to learn just what we are lacking. Only then did I learn answers to most ailments were not found in malls, down the end of the phone or in the latest trend.  We talked for a while about why people struggle to make changes, my mum shared that for her, it just seems too big, to want to shop in different small shops, to pay an extra £2 or £3 a week for quality items, to go without something quick and easy in favor of something that takes blood sweat and tears, well for her it is just not something she feels called to. I told her big changes rarely work, it’s about small things, little teeny tiny steps that one by one lead you down a path you never thought you’d have the energy to walk. I shared with her encouragement tips I’ve given friends about starting small, it can be as small as starting to purchase organic milk and use re-useable shopping bags. Next you might feel confident purchasing organic meat, or using cloth paper towels. Maybe you’ll feel that once a month you could go to a local shop instead of a supermarket, or take a walk in the countryside. Everyone’s journey is different, with unique barriers and challenges, for some it will be financial, others time, others inclination, but what I do know from personal experience,  is it takes 1 step, just one.

And the photo above? The perfect reminder of why it takes one…because it takes exactly one luxury chocolate for me to fall off the bandwagon!

I’d love to hear from you, what is one change that you’ve made that has helped you lead a more simple life or greener lifestyle? Maybe your one thing will encourage someone else.

I’ve been thinking and praying a lot recently about what it really takes to follow your purpose, your convictions, to really make a difference in the lives of other people, to really leave this earth having made a positive contribution. As I’m catching up with friends, many share they are in a 1/4 life crisis, feeling that they want to contribute more, to do those amazing things like work overseas, or adopt, or just turn their backs on the rat race and instead choose to work somewhere they believe in, work for a charity or an NGO rather than corporate industry. A common theme emerges when I ask they why they can’t, they say they feel trapped by debt, bills, the “need” to own a house and cars, approval from parents and grandparents, and perhaps even the need to be someone (and by someone they meant someone who is seen to have “made it”).  One friend shared with me that at 28 she has already accomplished buying a house and car, climbing the ladder professionally, but now she needs the next thing, to save for a second home…I keep thinking about this, about how we define success, how we measure those who’ve made their mark and I have to say, when I think about it, for me it boils down to this:

The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity, choosing right over wrong, ethics over convenience, and truth over popularity. These are the choices that measure your life. Travel the path of integrity without looking back, for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing.

To have the highest courage is not easy, to allow God or whatever you believe in,  to put something in your heart, to choose the path of  following His (or your conscience, or whoever you believe in) teachings whether that be caring for the poor, volunteering with the elderly, offering your skills to those in need, adoption or fostering, helping the homeless – well it requires living sacrifice, it requires questioning what society defines as “normal” and making your own normal. When I think of people I know who have given up the luxuries we all take for granted, and instead care for the sick in countries with no infrastructure to support their people, when I think of people who’ve said we will do without so we can give, I see an integrity, a grace, a reverence which gives them power, the power to one by one change the world.

Which makes me ask myself…

Do I have power? Do I have integrity? Do I have the courage needed to make real sacrifices for those most in need? Do I have the backbone needed to get off the carousel? Or am I always looking to buy the ticket for the next ride (the second home, the electronic equippment, the early retirement)?

And now I’m here. I haven’t gained a father, or siblings, or a husband or a house. But I’ve gained contentment. I don’t believe this is found by something big entering your life – a person, or a windfall of money etc, I genuninely believe it is gained through small changes both internal and external. I believe it is found when you have the time to contemplate, reflect, pray, appreciate and serve. I believe it is found when you have time, which ultimately has allowed me to find peace.

Instead of rushing around making money, I start each day hoping and praying for a restful and peaceful day where I limit the demands on myself but serve wholeheartedly, work with discipline and balance and accomplish only what needs to be accomplished.  I work very hard to not feel guilt (something I’ve always struggled with) and specifically pray to let go of guilt. I am honest about how much time I have and carefully consider anything before I take it on. People on the outside ask me now how I accomplish so much – I volunteer two nights a week and a day at the weekend, I have freelance projects, I’m working hard on my fitness levels at the moment (remember those fitness goals I set long ago?) and training 2 -3 hours a day, I’m studying for my certificate in theology. In truth, yes some things slide this blog has certainly taken a beating ;0) but in reality the only way I accomplish so much is that I now come from a place of rest.

What does it mean to come from a place of rest? Well I think it is different for everyone. For me this means that each day I try to ensure that I’m not still trying to recover from the day before, which when I was working 80 hour weeks was what I was trying to accomplish but failing miserably at. Now I begin each day with a healthy breakfast and exercise for an hour as well as prayer time. There are often urgent emails regarding work that should be addressed, but the way I see it, my body, mind & soul need me more than work does. So, this first 2 hours in the morning is me time. When I’m ready to begin I prioritize what the key things to accomplish that day and only focus on those. Yes some days they need to change, but mostly I can stick to it.

Once I’ve been working a few hours it becomes me time again. Previous dashes to a sandwich shop or salad bar, eating lunch working or checking personal emails are gone. Now, I need some time for me. I make a healthy well balanced lunch – dairy, protein, veg, fruit enjoy some water and then head out to exercise again. An hour later I will begin work again. Even when it would be easier to work through, I remind myself that my body/mind/soul is more important than work and most days it really is possible to take a lunch break.

I’ll then work again. Sometimes only a few hours, sometimes I may have to work later than I hope. But two exercise sessions, good food, prayer and rest means I can do it without exhausting myself. Two evenings a week I go and volunteer, one evening a week I’m on my study course and the rest are a mix of me time – walks along Exeter Quay or time with friends. Before when I tried to volunteer, I was often unable to make it – work commitments, last minute crisis etc. Those thing still happen but they are no longer able to interfere with my time of serving or me time. They are simply not important enough.

Does this mean I have to settle for a less demanding job with a smaller salary? No. I don’t settle at all. It means I have the joy of a more simplified work load, the joy of being able to offer to spend a day at the hospital with a friend having surgery, the joy of being able to volunteer when situations arise and an extra pair of hands are needed. It means I have the joy of being able to take opportunity to volunteer overseas (more on this later!).

So what do I wish? Well I wish that every single person reading this, that every friend I have could know the joy of simple living, could know the joy of working to live rather than living to work. I wish they could all know the joy I feel right now on this Monday morning starting my day of work rested. It is the greatest feeling in the world.

A few posts ago I discussed how getting out of debt & downshifting had changed my heart. I have seen a process where I’ve become more home centered, more giving and am learning what it means to give my time, money & energy with a joyful heart. Writing the post, plus a discussion with my best friend made me realize that getting out of debt & downshifting has also lead to other changes, so I thought I’d share them.

I think that the majority of modern women suffer from exhausted woman syndrome. While our grandmothers and great-grandmothers before us certainly worked in the home (clothing had to be washed by hand, trips to the market often meant walking for miles in any kind of weather, there was often little to eat and all meals had to be made by scratch) but it was a different type of work, not necessarily easier, but different. Today, there are many reasons why you would think our lives are easier – most of us have cars, or access to good public transport to take us where we want to go, many use disposable diapers & wipes (although personally I’m a stickler for cloth!), we have washing & drying machines plus dishwashers, we have vacuums and microwaves, easy to make meals, take-out, drive through, internet grocery shopping and plastic cards to put the things we can’t afford on. Only the modern life of working 9-12 hour days in offices, living very sedentary routines, rushing out in cars & vans to pick up prescriptions, grab lunch out, hit the bank, go to the gym, drive our children to swimming, dancing, karate, gymnastics and tennis programs,  spending hours each day & evening behind our computer screens often means we are spending our lives at meetings, constantly staring at screens or rushing in our cars to buy things and take people places. There was a blog I read by an American woman struggling with debt, but every single entry was about “today after work I took the kids to Kroger, then we had drive through, then we went to the movies” etc etc etc. Honestly reading it made my head spin! Not only was it very easy to see why she couldn’t get out of debt, but her life was simply exhausting. I doubt she ever spent a day at home, or even 1/2 of a day!

The reality is that to function in this world and live a balanced life we do need to partake in activities, most of us have to work and we do have to spend some time away from home, but I would urge us to all take a good long look at our lives, make a map of just how much time you are spending away from home  and make some changes. Our homes should be our havens, they should be a place of peace, tranquility, contentment and relaxation, so why do we live so that we are either rarely home or spend the whole time we are home watching tv or sitting behind a computer? When I first began this journey, I noticed that my tv watching increased, then I questions how  I could be living the simple life if I was sitting behind yet another screen?

It is hard to make changes, but changing your life to be more home centred, to have less rushing, less driving and more tranquility is oh so worth it. Here is a list of the decisions and changes I made.

1. Look at how often (outside of work hours) you are not home - reality was, often it was 3-4 nights a week and most of the weekend (especially when I had the year with my little inspirations).

2. Make a list of where you are going when you are not at work and not at home – for me it was the shops, activities like the gym etc.

3. Set yourself targets – a bit like no spending days, focus on trying to find times when you can make sure you are at home. I began with Monday evenings and 1 day (either a Saturday or Sunday) where I would be home by 3pm and spend the rest of the day at home, I also started by saying I would only go to the shops 2x a week.  What a difference I noticed within a week. Gradually I increased my home time.  When I was home with my little inspirations (the youngest 2 were too young for school) I made sure that 2 days a week were home days, those were days we didn’t go to the library, or playgroups or shops, we simply stayed at home making crafts, baking, playing and reading.

4. Find healthy and peaceful alternatives – instead of hitting the gym at the weekend, I started taking a 1.5-2 hour walk every Sunday afternoon either by myself, with friends or family. I leave the music at home and simply reflect on the week, relax, pray, etc.

5. Cut that “blank stare” time- this means computers, tv’s, video games etc. Instead start knitting, reading, doing yoga at home, meditating, praying, talking with your partner or children, playing games etc. I try my very best to limit myself to 1 hour a night of computer time and 1 hour a night of tv time (this includes dvd’s!).  We all have the odd lazy day in front of the tv watching old dvd’s or chick flicks and that is fine, but moderation is the key!

6. Prioritize- Discuss with your partner what are the priorities for your family? Maybe the priority is to go out as a family one night a week or watch your son’s football etc. Think realistically about what are the priorities for yourself and your children. Pick 2 or 3 things a week that are must do’s as a family (the weekly shop, a night out together etc) and only focus on those! While I do think children can benefit enormously from activities & hobbies like scouts or music or sport, it should be a piece of their puzzle and your families puzzle not a whole section. Home time, time to discuss things with your parents, learning crafts, cooking, baking, laughing with your parents are just as important and help to build relationships. For me, the priorities outside of work were to volunteer once a week, to attend Church (not something I was doing regularly before, I was too exhausted!), to go out with friends once a week and to swim. So I made a plan.  It went something like this.

Mondays – Work, evening at home – try to read, knit, call a friend to catch up etc.

Tuesdays – Work, swim, friend over.

Wednesdays – Work, volunteer evening.

Thursdays – Work, out with friends tonight OR Friday. If not out, then evening at home – knit, read, relax, clean (try to get weekly cleaning done – vacuum, bathrooms, sweep, laundry).

Friday – Work, out with friends tonight OR Thursday night. If not out, then evening at home – knit, read, relax, clean. 1 x a month I have my book group.

Saturday – Swim, grocery shop, try to spend 1-2 hrs in nature walking alone or with friends occasionally meeting for coffee, home by 3pm. Rest of day and evening at home – reading papers, relaxing, yoga @ home, unless a special invitation ;0)

Sunday – Church, try to spend 1-2 hrs in nature walking, listen to Vinyl Cafe, read. 1 x a month I have my knitting club, evening Lark Rise to Candleford & Lost!

8. Learn to Say No – This is very hard at times, in fact this week I decided to say no to a volunteer opportunity because it has changed significantly from what was first advertised and is very computer based and seems to involve daily emails plus the 5 hrs a week work to be done on the computer. After a lot of reflection, thought and prayer I decided it just wasn’t what I needed at this time. It was tough as I enjoy volunteering and like to help out as much as I can, but, I just knew it wasn’t right for me.

9. Get your exercise outside as much as possible- Honestly, I can’t tell you what a difference this made to my exhausted woman syndrome. We are all inside too much, it is stifling. I’ll let you in on a secret, before I started this journey I didn’t really like the outdoors, yes Laura you read that right. But how my heart has changed. I would much rather now spend 2 hours walking in a park, along a canal or even at a push around houses then be yet again indoors, paying money to go to a gym. Yes I do sometimes need to go to the gym especially if we have a spell of bad weather, but I try as much as possible to be outdoors for at least 1 hr a day.

10. Listen to your body – While I think it is very hard to let people down, to make unpopular decisions like telling your children they need to pick 2 activities instead of 4, the reality is we need to listen to our bodies. We need to look at why we are tired, we need to accept when our body wants to be home, we need to acknowledge we are doing too much and we need to see the joy in finding a simpler, home-based life.

None of this is easy, it is certainly a journey, it may involve continual changes until you find the right routine for you. But I urge you all this week to decide to tackle the exhausted woman syndrome by setting your priorities, getting a flexible routine in place, deciding and scheduling home evenings and a home day each weekend (can also be called family day – family based activities at home). It is only by being home and turning off the electronics to we put the energy into healthier eating, peaceful living and simply being. Who knows with the money you save from stopping shopping maybe you’ll be able to cut the number of hours you work too!

What changes can you or have you made? I’d love if you share in the comments!

In the next post, I’ll give out some awards given to me by the lovely Fiona, Sandy and Life In Australia

Photo at the top I took of the Exeter Canal!

p.s. As if by funny conicidence a friend just called, it’s almost 6pm and she’s decided to take her 2 and 4 year old out to visit friends now, hoping they’re bedtime isn’t too late  as they’re already tired from the weekend filled with activities and bad temper tantrums. Thankfully she doesn’t know about this blog! ha! Perhaps the next post should be called Exhausted Child Syndrome!

Friend A – Married, late 30′s, £45K of non-mortgage debt, plus mortgage (about 90% of the value of their home) stay at home mum, 2 children under 3. Our conversation last week, they bought new household appliances (theirs were on their last leg, apparently although still working!), a new mattress (as theirs was no good?!) and started renovations on their kitchen – it needs it apparently. And apparently the almost 3 year old needs to take tap and music lessons as she needs something to do.

Friend B – Married, late 30′s, £38K of non-mortgage debt, plus mortgage (negative equity), work full time, 3 children 7 and under, our conversation this weekend? Apparently they moved, switched jobs (not due to layoff or impending layoff, wanted something different), only can’t sell house or get renters, so now not paying mortgage, got 2 new cats and another dog, decided to breed the dog only couldn’t sell the puppies, so I believe they were being taken to a shelter.

Friend C – Late 30′s, £31K non-mortgage debt, plus mortgage (about 50% of value of the home as she bought it many years ago), 3 children ages 9 and under, work full time. Had another child (decided to and was expecting with a couple of weeks) and then told me they can’t afford the nursery fees on take home pay, so they go on the credit card each month as does the council tax!

Friend D – Early 40′s, married, £42K non-mortgage debt, no mortgage (they rent), 1 child age 4, mum works full time,  dad works part time, got on a minimum payment plan for debt (consolidation) only pay the minimum. Our conversation this weekend? They bought a timeshare and she got the boots she needed, at £100.

I have news for anyone in debt, wanting to change their financial situation, those in desperate need of savings and anyone else. Stop with the impulsiveness!!!! If you want another child, then you need to plan for it. You need to work out whether you can afford maternity/paternity leave, whether you can afford nursery fees (if they need to go to nursery). I do not for a moment believe that children NEED to be as expensive as we make them. I parented children for almost a year and was amazed at what their friends had lavished on them. We had good old fashioned fun, we visited the library 1-2x a week, went to our local council run community centre for free or heavily subsidized programs, we went on nature walks, visited parks, had picnics outside, bought art materials and set to work outside. We had birthday parties with small groups of close friends, including “a Victorian tea party”.  If you want to add to your family, you need to focus on getting out of debt, saving for those costs with are necessary (maternity leave, basic items etc)  and make a plan! Children are such a blessing, but our actions as adults often make children seem like a burden. It is us who spends too much on babies, it is us who thinks giving a child everything is about finances, when actually often it is more about time, stability, love and simplicity.

Household items – the whole time I was in London full time I had no vacuum, yes none. Yes it was a lot of work to sweep those floors and sweep those floors and sweep those floors. But more than I needed a vacuum I needed an emergency fund. Same goes for a kettle – yes I went without a kettle. I went 12 months without a camera which was difficult, very difficult, but I don’t need a camera to survive! I don’t have a drying machine (fine by me as it is more eco friendly to hang clothes to dry anyways). My point is that we need to really really really see the difference between need and want. This has been such an important lesson for me. I’ve mentioned it before, because I also think it is about using the right language“our household appliance is on it’s last legs” could be changed to “our household appliance may be old but it is still working, so we are focusing on saving to replace it when necessary”.  See the difference there? I’ve been told it would be a good idea for me to have a surgery (I’ve chosen my words carefully there many people would say need a surgery but I don’t believe it is a need because it won’t kill me not to have it, it will make my life easier if I have it, it will probably make me feel better about my health situation but those are not needs). It will cost me around £6,000 (it isn’t covered on the NHS). I can see why the surgery is a good idea. I could sit here and say “I can’t afford it”. But that wouldn’t be using the right language to use or the right value to teach myself. So instead I say “there is a surgery I would like to have, that right now I don’t have the money for, I plan to start saving for it and hope to eventually be able to have it“.

Moving, selling houses etc – unless you have to, you don’t jump jobs and areas without selling your house or being able to rent it out unless you can absolutely afford those mortgage payments for, I would say in this economy, a year. You don’t create chaos for your children, your marriage and your own life by making a decision to quit a job on a whim with no back up, move when you have to put your moving costs onto a credit card with no real plan or backup should things go wrong. You are risking the roof over your children’s heads doing this!!!

Pets- I love, uber love my kitty. I’d love a dog (I had one growing up, through my adolescence etc), I really really would. But you know what? Right now it isn’t in the budget.  In order to have a dog not only do I need to be able to afford to feed it and take it to the vets, but I need money for when I go away, any potential health issues, insurances etc. In terms of the pecking order of finance, right now the priority is emergency fund, catching up on retirement savings (doing well so far, need to update on this!), then a house fund. There are so many ways I can spend time with dogs, by volunteering at the RSPCA or another animal shelter, volunteering with working dog charities and programs, helping walk friend’s dogs etc. For some people having a dog may be more important than a house fund, maybe some people can afford both, right now I’m choosing not to do this not saying I can’t afford to, simply because there are soo many changes in my life right now that I need to know I’m at the right time, place and financial situation to commit to a dog, not for a month or two, but for 10 years plus. When the time is right, I’ll make sure I have £500 in a pet fund, to ensure that if vet bills crop up I can handle them!

I guess the point of this long, rambling post is to remind myself and everyone to PLAN! Make a 1 year plan, a 2 year plan, 3, 4, 5 year plan. Where do you want to be and perhaps more importantly how are you going to get there? If you want children then how are you going to make that happen? So many people say “we’ll have a baby in 2 years” well are you willing to forgo things now in order to make that happen? Are you willing to quit eating out and save that £20 a week into a fund to top up your maternity leave? Have you figured out childcare costs and how you will afford them? If you know you’ll need (said cautiously) a new vacuum, bed, tv, camera, car….well what are you doing about it? Are you cutting back now to be able to buy it cash? Are you really really examining need vs. want? A tv isn’t a need, really it is a want. Sure it is nice to be able to put it on, but let’s be honest. When I went 7 weeks without a tv as I didn’t want to buy one until I had the money in the bank to pay for it, I never never said I need a tv, that meant I didn’t feel sorry for myself, I didn’t think I was going without, instead I admitted what I wanted and found a route to get it, through hard work, saving and a plan!

Just remember when someone knocks at your door, or you walk into that electronic store/furniture store/salon, they are looking for someone, hopefully not someone like you, who will buy into myth that you need and deserve what they are selling, that it will make your life easier, make your image better and make you happier. And you know what? For most things it is an absolute lie! There is nothing like the contentment of knowing you have no debt and savings (even a small amount) behind you. Don’t get sucked in. Start with no spending days to train yourself in self-disciplin and change your financial picture as a result!!

Last April, when I began blogging I was exhausted. Not the kind of “I work too many hours and have been quite poorly” type of exhausted I am now, but I had an exhausted heart, mind and soul. I was struggling with my friendships in the West Country, no matter how hard I tried (or thought I did) I could not find positive, upbeat friends who were a joy to be around. I was struggling to do anything but work, pay bills and buy. Okay I wasn’t buying designer anything, but I was still buying. I’d said goodbye to my little inspirations and recently moved, and just could not settle. I think a lot of that was about grief, grief for what could have been and how desperately my situation had changed. Gone were the savings (when the children left, I sent most of my savings to their family so that they could afford to give them a better quality of life) , I’d helped my mum out with buying a house, my two best friends were across the big pond and well I didn’t have anything to be overly happy about. I knew I wanted to change my life, I wanted to build up my savings again, change my job, move, find good friendships, be happy with who I was and give more. I just didn’t know how to do it. The more I read, the more I knew what I wanted to do was downshift, well 10 months on the biggest change I can see is in my heart.

This change wasn’t instant, it was something I’ve had to constantly work on.  When I started trying to find a Church this past Summer and Autumn, I heard a sermon by a vicar about being able to tell what someones heart was like by how much time and money they give to helping others. At the same time I watched a very good friend (who I’d only known for a few months but we became great friends) go from being a relatively generous person with her time and money to a very selfish person with both. She moved in with a guy who is obsessed with money, earning money, saving money, not spending on other people, not wanting overnight guests because of the cost and inconvenience. I watched a couple with over £100,000 income (about $150,000 US) with no children spend their money and time only on themselves. Whereas previously we would treat each other to coffee or tea, happily chuck in an extra £1 if the other person didn’t have change now she became someone who was penny pinching, scared to spend money, unwilling to give to charity, or pay an extra £1 towards anything. Despite over £100k ($150,000 US) in savings, they were unwilling to help out parents struggling financially. He was pushing for them to wait to have children until they were rich, because children are too costly and we need a “good life”. Boy did seeing this shake me.

At the same time, I began going to Church more seriously and looked around at a group of people that were doing so much. They were doing just what the vicar had said in his sermon, giving time and money. Each week, they were volunteering to run clubs for children in a deprived community, visiting people who were shut in, going to court with someone who had been abused, bringing meals to expanding families, paying for someone’s car to be fixed who couldn’t afford to pay to fix it. These people had less money than my friends and yet were giving money and time each and every day! And I was inspired. I then started realizing I was falling in love, yes you read that right and I looked at why. Why was I falling for this man and I realized it was because of his soul. Every turn he takes seems to be about giving. And I took a long, hard look at myself and decided I needed to try every single day to be less selfish, to give my time and money and do so with a joyful heart.

So I began. I told a few friends who thought I was mad and already gave more than others they know. While that was true, I wasn’t giving of myself every single day in many ways. So,  I thought long and hard about what it would take to give, truly give and to do so with enthusiasm and I decided I needed to give daily, find ways in which I can help anyone who needs it, give my time and money as much as possible. So I started somewhere simple, by sponsoring a 2nd child, who has HIV and is an orphan.  And it felt good. Then I began trying to do random acts of kindness, like letting people with less shopping go ahead of me in queues, or giving a person in front of me change when they were struggling to find it. And my heart grew. When an elderly person I knew had had a bad tummy bug I brought her flowers, some food and ginger ale to settle her tummy. And it was amazing to see the smile on her face. When she said “you know I just told someone how nice it was to meet a young person who cares and who I can call when I need something” it made me realize just how important giving is. Then when she mentioned she couldn’t vacuum, well it spurred me on, need someone to vacuum for you weekly – done! When a friend had her car clamped, I gave her 1/2 the money for it. I didn’t have to, it isn’t my car, but I wanted to. And it too felt right.

Last night someone in front of me had a very large shopping trolley and had forgotten a turnip (I bet you were wondering why there was a picture of a turnip!). No problem said I, I’ll go get you one. I gave it to her and she asked where I found it and I had a sneeky suspicion she had forgotten to say she needed two, so I went and got her another one. As I was walking back through Tesco with that 2nd turnip for her, I couldn’t help but smile. It feels so good to look for people and situations every single day where you can help, you can make someone’s life that little bit easier and bring a smile to their face. You never know it might just bring a smile to yours too.

I’ll end by saying I’m not writing this post to get glory. I am writing this because it shows a change in me and if you have a blog, then what a great way to document changes in you.I’m writing it to remind myself that by changing me I’ve changed my friendships and made some great ones!  But I hope this entry will also serve as a reminder to me, a reminder to give, smile, thank, talk and do, with a joyful and encouraged heart always wondering “how can I do more”, to as the vicar said, show my love for God and all humans on earth by giving my time and money. Truly, there is no better feeling in the world.

Edited To Add: Today I had a nasty cyst burst on my ovary, given the choice between staying in hospital or resting (in agony) at home, I’ve chosen the latter. It is exceptionally painful and I’d really appreciate prayers and thoughts for a quick recovery.

I saw this film, Australia, right after Christmas and loved it. Now, in case you haven’t seen it, you might think it is about a love story between Kidman and Jackman’s characters, that is only part of it. For me it was a film much more about a woman finding herself and the love between parents and children. I love the quote “sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself” and “sometimes we got to go walkabout”. They speak to me.

I guess through this whole process, this downshifting business, a lot of us are trying to find ourselves, a lot of us are trying to go on a walkabout – a walkabout that lets us heal from previous pains and scars, accept who we are and decide the route we want to take.

Of my friends from my Uni days 5 years after graduating many of us are on that same journey. We have degrees and masters to our names but want to take a walkabout as far away  as possible from the unnecessary stress we face, the demands on our mind and bodies and the deadness of our souls. I was the first to begin this downshifting, crunchy granola business, but many are now leaving, or seeking to leave, jobs in finance, teaching, engineering, law and medicine. A good blog friend is doing the same. We worked hard to acheive only realized we fell into a myth about what true acheivement is, it isn’t to be found behind a desk, working 12 hour days and bringing home a decent salary.

The time in my life when I’ve achieved the most was the time I looked after my little inspirations, working part time in a non-demanding job I was overqualified for and volunteering for a hospice. It was the time I was most at home with myself, with what I wanted to do in life and who I wanted to be. It was the time I decided what was and was not going to define me. My choices at the time really hurt my family, my mother through tears said to me “if all you want to do is be a mother and care for other people’s children why did you waste time studying, why did we waste putting all those resources into your talent in music and academics”. It was hard finding yourself when it was in direct opposition with who others want you to be.

 At the time I was also seeing a guy for whom money was a very significant piece of his puzzle. He earned £500 a day and I would of had a comfortable suburban existence – living in a Surrey town, he commuting to London daily (and beyond), children in private schools, a large detached house. Only what I most wanted was a soul mate, someone who would put family before money, someone who’d rather work less and earn less and simply be. Someone who knew who you are should not and is not defined by the money you’ll make. So I made many decisions I’ve never regretted in order to be me, or the me I was trying to find.

Then I took a new position almost a year ago and without this blog as a somewhat constant reminder, I would of lost myself again, in fact it is fare to say I was losing myself again. I could feel it, I could see it and so could others. Sitting behind a desk, sometimes for 12 hours a day is destructive, working 60 hour weeks is crippling, never being able to turn off from work because no one can step in when you are ill or on annual leave makes you feel like you are drowning. 

Every single week I felt less and less like Frugal Trenches and more and more like someone climbing a corporate ladder. Sure I could conduct myself differently, when the few women at my level would meet for lunch and swing by the shops, I could simply browse while they purchased £200 + handbags and talked about expensive furnishings and how hard it was to find a cleaner. Yes I could set myself apart by reading about people’s journeys instead of pouring over fashion magazines. It is true that I was able to look at a raise as an opportunity to give more and keep everyones tales of what they are buying with their added money firmly out of my head. For the reality is that we all need to live in the real world, a world that is filled with people with very many different views on spending, earning, giving and simplicity. But just what does it do to your soul to be slipping further and further away from the life you want to live and the person you want to be?

So you see I’m making changes, big changes. Changes I won’t be able to announce here for another 2-3 months but they’re taking place and evolving and being and it feels great. Sometimes I’m scared, but most of the time I remember this new chapter is simply another piece of my puzzle, it is about listening to me, the real me instead of anyone else.

I had to get lost in order to find myself.

I have to go walkabout.

p.s. the clip at the top isn’t directly from the film, it’s about a woman lost in work who decides to go walkabout.

Just to clarify, I don’t want to buy in London (heaven forbid!), I’m not looking for a big home with a large garden – I was thinking a simple terrace with a yard (teeny, tiny, plot – very hard to describe to North American’s unless you’ve seen our little terraces – cute they are!). But right now I’m getting my creative hat on and no I don’t need to purchase a house to feel complete.

So, I’m trying to move in the right direction and I think I am. I’ve signed up with my local council for an allotment (for those not from the UK this is a small patch of land you rent from your local government), there is an estimated wait of 1-3 years, but I’ll keep in regular contact and hope that it might be sooner rather than later – if you are the praying kind feel free to add in a prayer or two ;0)  I’m also contacting a local animal & countryside charity and am hoping I can do something Fridays – this will get me into the countryside, give me experience with animals and wildlife which can only be good prep for what I hope my future holds.

Sometimes when we open up our hearts I think we hear what we need to hear. Deepali gave me a great quote to consider, which I think I really needed to hear:

To make it only slightly more (but not too much) practical: stop thinking in terms of “i don’t”, “i want”, etc, and start thinking in terms of “i am”.

Thank you all for your suggestions and outpouring of support. Since you all helped bring me some peace, I leave you with some photos I’ve taken over the last couple of weeks that bring me peace. Enjoy!

Devon cream tea!

Thank you!

Note: Many of you suggested by email or comment I start putting adds on this blog, start freelance writing and making money through writing so I can leave my job or further reduce my hours. Thank you for such kind words. I’m not sure how I feel about ads on blogs, but I do know I love to write and wish I had more time to. So I’ll keep thinking and reflecting and try and think about a balance that is right for me.