It has been a tough few days, mostly resulting from a difficult visit with a wee boy who just is struggling to give anything of himself. I understand and I feel such grief at the challenges he has because of his past and the very unknown new health challenges that have arisen, but my heart also aches for his sister who gives and forgives repeatedly in many ways, too much so. And as I was working through lists and the hours spent with people on his team, long drives to visits, a bank account that is so low it is scary, I went that place of just down right feeling like we have too much draining us and not enough filling us up. I had read a book to the children during our last visit about how love and kindness fills an invisible bucket in your soul/heart and unkindness drains that bucket; I began, and in many ways I think it is ok to feel like this, to feel like our bucket was draining, not because of unkindness like in the story, but because we simply have so much as a family to deal with, without the support or resources that would make it easier. There was a day this week I had to not visit because of the cost of it all and in pained me. There was much fretting over the huge impact all this will have and how I’ll hold it all together.
But then slowly I began to think about it and while yes we are going through a lot, and yes we don’t have that safety net of people or finances to make this easier per se, we have a lot. We have hope and I decided I was going to stop feeling guilt and sorrow and instead look at the good.
- My girl and I got to pick strawberries. Together. We are reading books each night and talking a lot about feelings, life, her past and our future. That’s special
- My son is in a safe place and will soon be transferred to a brilliant medical facility for children and we should get answers. That is hope right there.
- I am a mother to two beautiful children. It isn’t easy. They have intense needs but oh boy I wouldn’t trade them for anything. We are a forever family and that is more than I deserve. That’s life-changing for us all.
- There is good radio when you need help, when your brain and heart needs a distraction from stress and worry. That’s uplifting.
- A friend is organizing an online fundraiser I can post here. And people around the world are thinking about us and praying for us. That’s compassion in action.
- I have a home, appliances that make our food and wash our clothes, we have pets we adore and beds to rest our heads on. Those sound like pretty standard things, but you know, there are millions, probably billions in the world that don’t have those things. I’ve seen people without, I’ve held their hands and wondered at the unjustness of it all, why where someone is born has such a profound effect on their outcomes. We have so much. That’s being blessed
- I have a faith that is always present. There are no times that are acceptable to “call” but a God I can talk to 24/7 who calls my name. That’s soul-filling.
And writing this has uplifted me, reading your comments has humbled me, hugging my children encourages me. We are blessed indeed. And thank you again, fundraising info to come soon.