I always knew I would adopt children with special needs. Having volunteered in far off places with children left for dead, it was something I felt very passionate about. That, coupled with working within the system, made me very aware that less than 2% of people of child-baring age choose to adopt and the majority of those are only open to babies or very young children who are “healthy”, so I set out really desiring to adopt children that would be left behind because of special needs, genetic background, ethnicity, age, sibling status, or most likely, a combination of a few. Some things I thought about in advance, others I didn’t. Which is perhaps more normal than I realized.
While my social worker marvelled at my list of accepted medical needs, she did warn me that there would be times that I would grieve for my children’s struggles and the acceptance of their backgrounds, genetics, special needs and the like, would seem challenging. It has happened a few times and I thought, because I seem to have a growing readership of people considering adoption and of parents of children with special needs, that I would share them. Not because I’m proud of those moments, but because I think it is OK to embrace grief and it is necessary to challenge yourself to wonder why something is hard, so that you can be pruned and become more accepting.
The moments it hit me
:: My daughter is a budding artist, but 8.5 years of poor fine motor skills and neglect, with no activities which would help, nor any occupational therapy, means her fingers just can’t do what she wants them to do. We are working on it, but it is such a struggle for her – writing, drawing, tying shoes. A friend’s 5 year old, who hates art, was able to draw lines my daughter can only dream of and my heart hurt for her.
:: Someone mentioned to me their 5 year old is reading at the same level as my daughter, despite 4 grades between them (and is obviously reading leaps ahead of my son). Of course, my son arrived at 7 not knowing a single letter or number, having been declared as having the IQ of someone with down syndrome (personally, I think people who happen to have down syndrome are incredibly smart, the educational psychologist’s report was not so flattering). And my daughter, despite having been in an adoptive family and foster families, was not read to, nor was her homework done. So at 8, she was around age 5.5 educationally. They’ve had 1 year of parenting and my son has gone from the academic level of an 18 month old to a 6 year old and my daughter from 5.5 to about age 7.5.
:: My real-estate agent mentioned that her son made a competitive soccer team. I was happy for her son, but my heart ached for my son who was on a soccer team where no one spoke to him because not only were all the boys a year older than him and knew each other, but because my son is developmentally about 2 years younger than his chronological age and it showed. Also, my son gets tired, his special needs means he has to sit down a couple of times per hour to recover (he is currently being monitored/tested for whether it is heart related – my feeling is no). My heart ached for my son who loves the sport but is isolated.
:: My daughter’s music teacher asked her to spell words that the other 7, 8 and 9 year olds can all spell. He also asked her the first letter of words like elephant. Only my poor girl is so scared of making a mistake, she can’t answer. And my heart ached for her.
:: I saw an 8 year old this weekend, sophisticated, chatting away on her cell-phone (gasp) and for a fleeting moment I worried about my two very innocent souls, whose favourite activity is playing cards or going for a walk. My precious wee ones who know nothing of computer games or tv or cell phones and would rather snuggle up with a cat on their lap and read a book.
:: A colleague chats about their children, the same age as mine and I worry about the world which awaits mine. A world where they will be different.
And this whole looking in and wondering why I struggled in those moments, was good. You see I was raised in a way in which one had no choice but to succeed, to be the best, the top, to over-perform. I have never wanted that life for my children. I am as polar opposite to my upbringing as I could be. I’m a tree-hugging, vegetarian raising, faith filled, social justice seeking, gentle-loving, never-follow-the herd living, green mama, who more than anything wants to live a life of appreciation, gratitude, advocacy and acceptance. So why was it hard? Why in those brief moments did I hurt? At first, I wondered if it was jealousy. I can hardly imagine what life is like for people who aren’t dealing with weekly therapy and hospital appointments, medication dispensed daily and trauma. But the more I thought, prayed and pruned, I realized that wasn’t it. What it is, is fear and sadness. Fear about how life will treat them, the unkindness and comments they receive and just how much harder they have to work to reach a developmental milestone.
And yet, and yet, in a strange way it brought us together. The first time someone laughed at my daughter for the fact she was technically supposed to be in Grade 3 last year, but was doing the Grade 1 curriculum, was the first time she allowed me to comfort her. This was huge in the adoption-attachment world. The medical appointments we go to, my children cling to me and know I’m always there. No more volunteer drivers dropping them off at appointments, waiting with people they don’t know, people being intimately involved in their care who have no right to be. It’s me. Always me. There are hugs and love and mama’s soft words. The fact that they need support to catch up and we are tv free and computer free, means we are pretty much always together during our waking non-work, non-school hours. We knit, bake, read, play games, walk, hike, dance. And slowly, with loads of support they are catching up. I completed Grade 2 with my daughter over the summer so she went from being 2 years behind academically to 1 year in the space of a year. My son has gained 4 years of academics and development in 13 months. Not by being the top of his class, but by being loved, supported and adored by someone who believes in him.
I don’t doubt there will be additional moments of grief and I think that’s OK. I’m realizing part of the challenge may also be we don’t know any other family’s which are formed through adoption, or are dealing with special needs, or who live like we do. In fact I only know two people who have children, one a dear friend who is at the beginning of her life as a mum (and has the honor of being my children’s godmother) and the other a previous colleague who lives more than 1.5 hours away and has two young children. So I also need to find a way to meet some families. But becoming a mother to an 8 and 7 year old doesn’t lend itself to mother and toddler groups, and living in an area where everyone works full time and most people have evening help, means I don’t meet other parents at school.
I can’t change everything. I can’t snap my fingers and fix it, nor do I have Dorothy’s shoes. But what I’m learning is more than grief is this place of total acceptance which lives in my heart. I’m slowly but surely leaving what I know behind, and my thoughts and reactions are mirroring what I believe.
They are my greatest teachers. One day, I hope they know it!
May I ask why you decided to adopt two children and two with the challenges they face? Instead of one or a younger child?
Best wishes!
Jessica
Because they needed adopting and they would have been separated had someone not come forward (this was their final chance) and because they were my children – I knew the minute I met them.
Love that
Way to follow your heart! 
Adoption is so much about the heart. No matter how much you prepare your head, there is that heart aspect too.
Your children are BEAUTIFUL!
Thank you!
You are doing everything right. I remember the days of hospital visits, surgeries, therapy, constant battles, chasing some sort of diagnosis so we could figure a way to help my son. It wasn’t too long ago but every day we are farther from those days. I can’t believe the progress he has made – and your children will get there too. Look at how far they have come with you as their mom! one day you will look back and you won’t be able to believe how far they have come.
Thank you, Jennifer. It sounds like you were in the trenches too. So pleased your son is doing so well and yes, while I can see we are certainly headed in that direction, I’m positively giddy at the prospect of where we will end up!
I realize you are not “officially” homeschooling, so this suggestion might sound a little odd … did you ever consider attempting to get in touch with any local families that homeschool to make new friends? I homeschooled my children for two years during the middle/high school years. We joined a great homeschooling group and met many different types of families from many different walks of life. There were different styles of learning and living, involving families with children of all different kinds of abilities and ages. If you explained your situation to them, maybe, just maybe, they would know of some families that you could meet and get to know on a social level. Just because you don’t “homeschool” doesn’t mean they would not want to meet you and your children. The majority of the people in the group we belonged to were very caring and compassionate, always ready to befriend someone new. Just a thought…
Valerie, that is a great idea. Thank you. I’ve always had a real affinity with homeschoolers, so that may very well proove a great angle. Even my social worker has said to me I remind her much more of the homeschooling families she has met and while she doesn’t like stereotypes, she has always found that there are several homeschooling families with more innocent children (as mine are).
You are doing a wonderful job. And just look how much better they are doing in one year..now imagine in another year and another. Keep doing what your doing
Thank you so much!
What a great post, so heartfelt. Every parent will face moments when they will face those heartbreaking moments, even if they don’t have special needs children. Your children have come a long way already and will continue to thrive and make even faster advances as you work with them.
Thanks, livingsimply. So encouraging!
Have your read Paul Tough’s new book ? I think it’s called why children succeed (something like that). It’s all about building resilience in children and what makes children resilient. He goes on a bit about getting children to college education (as if that guarrantees a good job these days! but that’s beside the point – he’s talking about educational attainment) – but anyway in the book he talks a lot about what neuroscience is showing about attachment relationships between parents and children – that strengthening the attachment relationship is the best thing you can do to help grow resilience in kids – even allowing for poor home conditions and poverty etc. So what you are doing – spending time and nurturing your kids- is absolutely the best thing you can do to help them develop all those neural connections which are so helpful for resilience!
If you get the chance to read it (public library?), its’ quite readable.
BTW I don’t think any 8 year old should be chatting away on a cell phone – I live near a university campus and the kids are all addicted to using cells and texting – it’s not a good way to be and it disrupts brain development and the ability to develop attention span and focus.
Hugs xx
Angela
You are so very very wise. Each of your comments makes me think and feel like there is another like-minded soul out there. Thank you. I will try to request that book at the library.
Are you still in Canada?
Aw thanks for your kind comments FT! I find much wisdom (and much to think about) from your posts in this blog x
Yes I am still in Canada at the moment … not sure what I intend to do next (re: stay in Canada or move back to the UK and what area of work to explore and try to get paid in!). I’m currently recovering from an illness and sorting out paperwork related to a legal separation .. so I’ve postphoned looking at career options until the New Year – it gives me time to think about things, get well, get things that need sorting out, sorted out … and then we’ll see … but it’s taken me a long time to accept this stage … to slow down and not feel guilty about the fact that I’m not doing very much at the moment (it’s so against the culture we live in!).
Please teach your children that to do their best is good, very good. Praise them and teach them to praise each other. There will be very little if any acceptance from others. Performance and perfectionism is the name of the game. I do not care to be OCD or anything else in order to be perfect. But it is what is expected. I would focus on strengths and a church where your children are accepted. It may be the only acceptance they find. Visiting a nursing home is also good. The elderly are generally in need of attention and a pretty silk flower will bring a smile and a hug making your child feel wonderful. Please don’t put your children in with the rich and the beautiful because what you want for them will never be found there. Put them in situations where they will be appreciated for their efforts. It is wonderful to know that God loves you just the way you are. We have to find the places and people that make us feel it.
We certainly talk a lot about trying your best and putting in your best effort all the time. It is something they are both learning as previously sabbotaged for fear of making mistakes (bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy!). We love volunteering and do, so they do get lots of positive affirmation. Thanks for the reminder!
The most important thing a mother can do for her children is to love them and you are doing that just fine
You are amazing and so inspiring, I am glad you and they found each other. They are so lucky to have you as their mother. Perhaps the time is not right yet but Iam sure you will meet other families with children when yuor children are ready. The homeschooling group suggestion is a good one I think.
Thank you Panda. So true about love. The effects are out of this world.
One of my biggest worries about being a parent is dealing with the hurts my child may experience at being different (with special needs or not). I wish we could protect them from that, but really, they wouldn’t be them if they didn’t have those vulnerabilities.
They say the hospital is the best place to build attachment – thank goodness it has some benefits (more than just the health care)!
Very true. It is so emotive seeing your child suffer and I think with the special needs/adoption/educational delay aspect, knowing it will be more than the “typical” rough days at school.
I have no doubt you’ll handle it all with grace and love. You are going to be an amazing mother.
Aww, that’s so sad, “final chance.” Like they are unadoptable…
Sadly, after 2 years of trying to get them adopted together and two failed adoptions, they were pretty much seen as such. My son especially. He would not have been adopted, plain and simple.
I feel so strongly that there should be no child who is left behind, and not child who is not taught that he or she has something unique and special to offer. I think you are teaching your children wonderful things, and that they will become wonderful people as a result. The evidence of the power of love is already there.
A few quick remarks from overseas:
* Comparisons are tricky. There’s always someone who does better, or worse, in life, it’s just a matter of how you look at it. There are NO golden rules, you know that!
* We actually encourage our little Tops NOT to do too much with computers, cell phones, etcetera. This is in direct contradiction with the world around us, and we know we will “lose the battle” in the long run, but they are just 7 and 10, and there are so many other wonderful things to do. Such as, indeed, read a book, or cuddle with a cat. Let them know it is OK to be different, in any way. Coping mechanisms only work when they come from inside.
* And as always: wonderful post.
Nicki
(I really should get back to blogging again. So much going on…)
“At first, I wondered if it was jealousy… I realized that wasn’t it. What it is, is fear and sadness. Fear about how life will treat them, the unkindness and comments they receive and just how much harder they have to work to reach a developmental milestone.”
I wanted to add something, not because I ‘know’ what struggles you have to deal with, but because I wanted to add that the reason it hurts is because you’re their Mum, they’re your kids and you love them. You want good for them. Happiness. That’s why it hurts.
x
People can be so stuck in their own world that they do not consider how their words and actions can impact on others. If you keep building your kids up with love no one will be able to knock them down. You have done an amazing are job with their schooling to get them to where they are now.
FT,
In one year, you’ve made THIS much difference, think how FAR the children will go with all those years ahead with their loving mommy!!
A very wise lady told me recently – we always think how far we have to go……. but forget to see how far we’ve come and acknowledge that fact with pride and happiness. That simple acknowledgement (and giving a pat on your back and your kids back) and making strong strides in the same direction you are all going will get them really strong people.
As for the cellphones and all the fancy schmancy things that the kids don’t have right now – right now your kids NEED you, your love, that assurance that you are always there for them. All of which they have in plentiful. How blessed!!!! Any other doodad is really a distraction.
After my son’s diagnosis and treatment for cancer , i felt terrible guilt . not for what happened but a kind of mourning for the person he would have been and for all the things in life he will not be able to do. Here in the uk it is a very competitive system and i was surrounded by people comparing school results and achievements. It made me feel very sad until i realised the huge achievements he has made – being alive now for one. I think i have realised that he will always come across those people who wil be cruel or attempt to knock him down, but he is loved and i feel now is beginning to show the confidence he needs to feel secure in himself and eventually not allow these things to affect him. It is his uniqueness which makes him so special , that draws people to him. Dont worry about school grades- my son is very stressed about his GCSE’s but i tele him that he has the whole of his life and can always carry on learning and achieving. Good luck and much love as always – to be loved in such a way for them is a tremendous achievement after all they have faced and testament to your belief in who they are , and who they will become.xxx
this is Sharon, who did the rosters for Simple Green and Frugal-I am so glad you adopted! You are doing a foabulous job!!!
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Dear FT welcome to the world of parenthood, filled with so much emotion, some good, some not so good! It is SO hard to see your children hurt! I was talking to my 28 year old son just recently and he recalled being bullied so badly at school, and it still breaks my heart to hear it! Judy xx
Thanks for sharing this. I think that grief and sadness make us human. They are part of our loving connection to other people. The fear is more destructive, as I know from dealing with it and with grief as I think of my own child’s future. Only by sharing it with others to get some perspective, and most of all by taking it to God for comfort and healing do I get through it. Always remember that there is comfort available!
I want to chime in with others here about the computers and cell phones. Used at such a young age, they really do affect neurological development. Keep holding the line–you are already seeing remarkable improvement in their ability to learn and to attach to you and each other in family love. Computing skills can be picked up later–after all, we all learned how to do it!
FT, you’re doing such a great job! Their progress in only one year has been incredible! I’m so glad you found each other. I do wish they hadn’t experienced so much neglect and suffering before the adoption though. I pray that your love and excellent parenting will be sufficient to help them cope with (and thrive) in this cruel world later on.
Also praying that you’ll find a community of like-minded people/families very, very soon.
You are doing such a good job. It is so hard to protect our children from technology/other influences. My children do use the computer/watch some tv, but in moderation & with supervision. I find it frightening how many very young children have tvs/computers in their bedrooms. I overheard one of the mums from my childrens school talking to the teacgher about how her daughter often writes in the same way she texts – her daughter is under 7. The mum thought that this was amusing !
The National Trust in England launched a “50 things to do before you are 11 3/4″ campaign to get children of their sofas & away from the tv/computer/mobile phones to experience an action packed, fun filled childhood, experiencing all the wonders of the great outdoors.
Your children sound like they are having some fantastic experiences in the time spent with you
in such a nurturing environment. x