I’ve mentioned before that my daughter is my greatest teacher. She has taught me more about love, life, compassion and gentleness in 14 months than I’ve learned in the 30 years I lived before she came into my life. Tonight, as I sat here humbled by your kindness and comments filled with grace, I realized you were teaching me something my daughter has also done, that we all need encouragement. I grew up in a family that was about achievement and aspirations. Yes, I am a serious let-down. My mother doesn’t even know what I do for a living (she doesn’t want to know) because in her opinion working for a charity is no better than working at a coffee shop and my career and decision not to go to medical school, or Julliard, will always remind her of what I didn’t achieve, so she really doesn’t want to hear the details. My mother’s first reaction if she was told I either did something wrong, or didn’t achieve to the level she thought I was capable of was anger, criticism and punishment. I came in second in a violin concert. I was punished. She was told I had purposely criticized another child and I was punished even though it was actually a mistake, which she later found out. I don’t hold this against my mother, I think she was doing the very best she could, in sometimes very challenging circumstances. But I guess I never felt like I had an advocate, an encourager. I fell into this trap last year with my own daughter, giving her teacher too much air time for criticism, when much of what she said really was as a result of the fact that she didn’t like my daughter (which she admitted to me) and couldn’t understand her, or more specifically, her trauma. You see, when you’ve come from abuse and neglect, when you have a language processing disorder, a learning difficulty, memory issues due to being born with drugs in your system, you’ve had broken vertebrae, had a minimum of 10 homes, two previous adoptive families and never been read to, taken on vacation with your family, or cared for in an attachment-enhancing way, you have trauma and you are different, and that manifests itself in different ways. My daughters fear behaviour is to lie. If you take away the fear and remind her she is safe, she will willingly tell you the truth. Her teacher’s natural propensity to raise her voice and very stern style is challenging for my daughter. Tonight she sobbed and sobbed because her teacher called her a liar in front of the class and made her sit on her own on the stairs outside the classroom (for a child that was left alone, this is scary stuff). She sobbed that she didn’t lie and she couldn’t understand what her teacher was angry about (language processing disorder and stress = she can’t process what is being said). I asked her what she needed from me and she wanted me to believe she didn’t lie, tell her it was OK to feel sad, tell her something I love about her and give her a hug and I did just that. After snuggling on the couch past her bedtime, I tucked her in and will spend a few moments writing a letter to her teacher. What my daughter needed was support. Not someone to tell her to focus on the good. Not someone to tell her she was wrong. Not someone to side with the teacher (there are no sides, but there is a teacher who struggles to understand my girl). She needed validating, encouragement and a safe place to express how she felt and be exactly who she is in that moment. Without pushing change.
Reflecting on this tonight, I thought about the post I wrote earlier today. The grace-filled, kind comments which have stayed with me all day – thank you. Somewhere in there someone asked if I ever get negative comments (I can’t find that comment now, perhaps I’m tired lol). And yes, I certainly do. Though I’m very pleased to say as I’ve journeyed and grown, and the blog has changed into something more simple, it has become a place where gentleness and kindness seems to reside. And for that, I’m thankful.
Every now and then during the honest posts, I get comments like “buck up”, “be stronger”, “stop feeling sorry for yourself”, “go out and do more and fix things” and I’ve come to see that that attitude is damaging. It is the same attitude I grew up with. Suppress your emotions. Turn them off. Work harder. Be more ambitious. Criticize yourself. Two years ago, those comments would eat away at me. I recognized them. They spoke to the huge self-doubt that resides in me. But now, as a parent, I see another way, a more gentle, loving, kind way to be. I see that it is OK to say when things are tough, to admit needs, to reach out to others so it isn’t your own echo you hear. I never knew about gentleness until a new friend and my daughter introduced me. And now, now it is the thing I crave, for me, my children, my friends, my community, the world.
Are there times we need to focus on the positive? Yes. It can be as simple as what I did today, listening to a beautiful African song while looking at the leaves driving home with my children. But I don’t think the second we experience a struggle we need to force those feelings out. Because I think I’ve learned from my daughter that they manifest somewhere. And maybe, creep out when you least expect it.
So tonight as I sit by dim light, with two little ones tucked up in their beds above me, with the murmur of the radio on, I’m here to say thank-you to you all for your kindness and to reflect on a new-found acceptance of needs, a committment not to see them as a weakness, but as a strength. My daughter crying tonight demonstrates strength and courage. Her ability to share how she was feeling and tell me what she needed tells me she figured out in her short childhood more than many an adult. She understands emotional health and connection. She knows what it is to build up, rather than tear down.
To all of you who do the same, in the cyber-world and in real life, know that you are changing lives. You are helping people to believe in themselves, the power of good and the light. You are changing the world, one kind thought/word/deed at a time. Thank you.
Beautiful post. Your daughter sounds like a very wonderful girl. She has so much wisdom and is advanced in her understanding of herself and her needs. You also sound like an intuitively special parent. Blessings. xx
Oh I feel so for your daughter. I’ve never understood the punishment of any child being sent to sit outside the classroom. That’s not what we send our children to school for. During that period they aren’t learning and are falling behind. To add to the problem, is your daughters fragile beginnings in life. I’m so sorry for what you need to face with this teacher. Any chance you could switch teachers to someone who will understand her and help you in your parenting process by teaching her that she can trust more than just you?
I’m not sure where you found the gentleness in yourself from your upbringing, but I applaud you for becoming the person you are today. Can I assume you did something similar to what I did? I came from a bad home and when I learned I was about to become a mother I decided I wanted to be the mother I never had. To support and love my children in the way I wasn’t loved or supported growing up. You and your children are so lucky to have found each other.
Yes, I think being a parent has much to do with it. I noticed the different way of doing things when I was in my first relationship – wanting to discuss challenges and create a “safe-place” for sharing needs, rather than yell and threaten and “fight dirty”.
I’m up late as my daughter has been up so many times crying in her sleep that I’ve decided it is easier to stay up for an hour or two. Anything which stresses out children isn’t working, is it. Sadly, there is only 1 teacher for her year group and this is her second year with her (a split class).
Everytime I read your comments I’m in awe. You are a gentle, thoughtful soul. I wish I knew you in real life. Thank you for being here and being such a supporter of grace.
I have never commented on a blog before but I had to tell you that your post today made me cry. Please don’t ever listen to negative comments. You are doing a wonderful job with your children and you certainly don’t ‘feel sorry for yourself’. I know it’s a struggle but you have the daily reminders that what you are are doing is truly worthwhile. I don’t know many people who have made such a success of their lives.
That is very kind of you to say, Sally! Well done you for your first comment. I hope it wasn’t too scary!
Reading your comments about you letting your mother down (her opinion only). What did SHE do for a living? Presumably her attitude is to do with her upbringing. There is nothing wrong in working for a charity (my daughter does so) nothing wrong with being a road sweeper or a doctor.
As for the teacher – can you get to see her face-to-face and discuss the situation?
Sending hugs.
One huge positive your daughter has is that she is aware of and can tell you what she needs. It took me a few decades to be able to do that.
You’ve reminded me of a life lesson. I have an adult child who can be stubborn and insist on her own way. It gets her into trouble in work situations. I’ve told her enough times that that she needs to be easier, although I do try to say what I say gently. Next time I’ll just hug her. I well know that what she sees me doing is a better teacher than anything I can tell her.
Very often I find reminders like this in your writing, and I appreciate them.
Just a quick note as I’m in a hurry to an appointment!
FT thank you for such an honest heartfelt post – you have tremendous insight and that is a gift in itself.
I had a parent a bit like yours … it’s hard.
Here are some words from Kahlil Gibran on children – I’ve found them helpful (particularly in learning to live my truth and not my parents unlived lives):
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
Much love xx
O please don’t buckle up. I know about the hardship and the growing up in an environment where buckling up is the status quo.
You are right to steer away from it.
When I got my first child, I was so scared to make the same damaging mistakes my mother did. Then, a good friend told me: “The fact that you are scared alone tells me that you know what to stay clear of. You’ll be OK. It will be tough, because you’ll have to navigate motherhood all on your own, not having had a proper role model, or a role model that you would want to copy. But you will be OK.”
And though I have my moments (bad ones I mean), my friend seems to have gotten it right. Most of the stuff I was scared of, did not happen. Because I consciously steered away.
Nicki
I’m so sorry to hear about the words you suffered. I think it is really magnanimous of you to be so forgiving about it. It is even more amazing to me that you are determined not to fall into the same trap. You are a role model to us and I think your daughter will become a role model to many.
I SO wish you had been around when I was bringing up my children! My daughter was a straight A student, never did a thing wrong, always well liked at school, son totally the opposite! I could never understand why I had such difficulties when i brought them up the same way, sadly i didn’t realise until he was older that he needed a different style of parenting. We had some very bad years, and sometimes i wanted to leave (and did briefly!) but I couldn’t subject my sweet husband to the torment of putting up with the bad times on his own, so we worked through it, slowly, slowly, and now we have a great relationship with BOTH of our children! A situation that I am extremely thankful for (I think you appreciate the good when there has been years of bad
). I am glad you have such a loving relationship with your children, it’s very hard to see them treated harshly (for many years i kept the extent of the bad times to just one very close friend who had been through similar times as i didn’t want people to judge my son – i still loved him but didn’t really like him much through the worst times!). They are so lucky to have such a wonderful and living mum (hugs to you!)
Oh and in regard to your previous post regarding the style of your blog, just keep doing what you are doing dear FT, I love reading about your family! Will email soon
Judy xx
Being a mum (or a dad) is the profession God ordains as the most important job in the world.
You sound like a very understanding parent, and not for the first time I think your children are very fortunate to have you in their lives. One of my friends is a counselor for Wediko, a non profit specializing in working with children with emotional or behavioral issues (severe anxiety is a common trend if I understand her correctly) I don’t know if their summer camp is anything that you’d be interested in, but here’s a link in case you are. There also have other programs, if ever you want to look into it for the future.
http://www.wediko.org/summer-program.html
FT I have been following your blog now for several months and honestly I cannot even put my finger on why I enjoy it so much. You just have a wonderfully insightful way of looking at the world which this post suddenly help put into perspective why I find you so relatable. We maybe so different, but there are some things (experiences) which might link us.
Thank-you for writing!
Give her a tight hug from all of us, at your blog!
I’ll pray for the teacher to be more patient with her.. Is there a behavior analyst or something like a counselor or psychiatrist at her school that you can talk to, who in turn can advice the teacher on how to handle this child??? My heart breaks for the struggles she has gone through, and is going through.
You, mum, are doing a fantastic job in standing up for your child! I’ll pray for your family. Big hugs!!
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You have brought tears to my eyes today. You are amazing. I love how you are always striving to the best for your children. I am so pleased about your house/home. I will slowly read through your blog to travel a little of your journey. Jacqui.
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