I’m learning about time from my daughter. After my last post, I did a lot of reflecting on what the core issue was and, while there are certainly stressors which come with financing therapies and new special needs which arise (and of course, more support would be welcome), the real issue is wanting to find time. Some of what I wish for isn’t possible (and I think it is OK to want what we’ve lost as a family), but there is something which is possible, maybe not in the quantities I’d long for, but it is there in little drops of perfection, waiting to be picked up, held onto and cherished.
On Saturday my daughter has a class where we are apart from 1.5 hrs. It gives me one-on-one time with my son (which is wonderful), but for my daughter, despite wanting to take the class and loving it, she misses mama. I’m finding a few weeks into our new routine that her eyes are a little lost after that class, after she shares all the accomplished, she is quiet and a tad despondent. I have begun asking her, when that vacant look is present, what she needs and she always responds with “time with you”. This week, despite errands that needed doing, pressing banking needs and a fridge that needed re-stocking, we went directly from the activity to the local park. My daughter sat on my knees facing me, while her brother happily played in the sand. We hugged, I rocked her and patted her back, I sang her our song and her eyes came alive again. Fifteen minutes later she was giggling on the swings and trying to touch the sky. Yes, her greatest desire is to be together 24/7, but she focused on the fact she did get what she needed, we had time to re-connect, time to just be present in the moment. That night when we said what we were thankful for at the table, she thanked God for those 15 minutes, she shared how happy they made her and that she put the memory in her heart. Hearing her words I was inspired to find little windows of 15 minutes and oh my they’ve come in abundance – 15 minutes of reading together while waiting for dinner to cook, 15 minutes running on the beach chasing seagulls between therapy appointments, 15 minutes of “I Love You’s” when anyone needs a reminder, 15 minutes of taking time out as a mama to listen to Vinyl Cafe while the wee ones read.
The whole experience made me think a lot about faith. That incredible feeling that though times may be tough, you are provided with what you need. And that through faith and prayer, and a great deal of pruning of self, we get to experience something beautiful, beyond our understanding.
With my awakening of sorts, I’ve come to see that sometimes the heart does yearn, and if it is for noble things, maybe that isn’t such a bad thing, as long as, like my daughter already knows, you can cherish what you do have and are thankful for it.