I made a big mistake as a mother this weekend, I told my children to stop saying “I wish”. I was trying to deal with my son’s consumer driven personality (prior to joining our family, he was in a family where buying cheap toys was a daily occurence – poor boy had quite the culture shock upon arriving here – ahem!), but I didn’t deal with it in the right way. Instead of trying to explain that there are good wishes and talk about the beauty of hope, I simply focused on being content with what you have, which while valid, still missed the point.
I was made aware of my blunder when I sat in the car crying as I was wishing I was a stay-at-home mum and I could be more present in my children’s lives. I was tired of the demands of work taking me somewhere else mentally and physically, I was scared of the implications of saying no, or one of the balls I’m juggling dropping and what that would mean for our family. But most of all, I missed my children. They spent so many years without me and each other. They have a past I will never be able to make up for. And it pains me. Leaving them each day creates even more anguish and sometimes, sometimes it is unbearable. Sunday night I watched swimming lessons and silent tears fell – I thought of how many people have let them down and my mind wandered to just how many mistakes I make, often rushing too much, or feeling stress with work/bills/life which spills into parenting. As I contemplated why I show poor form far too often, I decided I was going to let myself have a post of “I wish” and then I was going to talk to my children again and provide words and explanations which are more accurate and don’t take away the “magic” and hopes of childhood, while still teaching the joy of contentment.
I Wish
- My children had not suffered prior to finding a forever family
- We had found each other sooner (I am adoptive family number 3 for both – yes you read that right!)
- School was more sensitive to their adoption story and spoke to me before having them write timelines in their lives (hard for children whose timelines involve loss and horrific personal things)
- I could be at home with my children, or survive on the pay of a job which means come 3 o’clock my mind can solely be on them
- My children had a father
- My mother would seek support for the lifelong emotional health challenges she has
- I could have a week, or two, of no distractions from being firmly present
- Money flowed into my account as freely as the needs dictate it flows out of my account
- My benefits plan would cover my children’s medical needs
- My children were two years younger so their developmental age met their chronological age and they received less judgment from a world so set on firm developmental and educational timelines and “growing up”.
- My daughter didn’t take 2 hrs to fall sleep (anxiety) and wasn’t plagued with nightmares (memories)
- Adoption was cheaper
- I could home educate, or I could afford a Waldorf school for my daughter, the very right-brained artist
- I could personally meet all the amazing, wonderful supporters we have here who provide such love through encouraging comments and emails, and help me keep going.
- I could find my hot water bottle : )
And there you have it. Remarkably, just letting myself put these wishes out there has made me feel better. There is a lesson in that I’m sure. And tomorrow, I’ll help my wee ones write their own little list, no holding back!
At one point when my children were young I worked so hard to be perfect. To never let them see me frustrated, angry or in any way less than totally excited for the day and every event that would come in those 24 hours. Well, no one is perfect, and I think my boys learned something when I let my hair down and showed them I was a person with feelings and mood swings, someone with likes/dislikes as well. I apologized when I really screwed up, and told them honestly when I didn’t have the answers. In the end, just loving your children enough to question yourself and the way you handled something means you are a great role model, one your children can learn quite a bit from. Don’t beat yourself up, accept you will do the best you are able to in the moment, and let the rest go.
FT parenting , no matter under what circumstances can be a challenge – I often feel some of the same anxieties as you about not always being there. You must remember your children love you for being their mother ( especially after so much difficulty) and as time goes on it will be easier for them to trust and relax more ( am sure it already is getting there). Look how far they ( and you have come ) in a year. Rememeber they have so much quality time with you , even if you feel the quantity is off balance. I
wish they came with a handbook !! Much love x
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Beautiful, love your honesty in your wishes, and you strength in shown as a mother
What you are giving your children is something they’ve never had before: a normal life. One where their parent goes to work to provide for them and comes home every night to be there for them and take care of them. Sometimes (often) tired, sometimes distracted but always, reliably there. That’s the real thing they had “wished for” and now they have it. They have someone to count on.
What Karen said.:)
Life timelines = ick. I wonder how many children’s buttons are pushed by that task, regardless of their family status.
It is important for children to see their parents having human moments, because that is how they learn how to deal with having human moments of sadness, disappointment, anger, frustration, inadequacy. Children learn so much by watching us. Our children do not need perfect parents, they need human parents. Oh, how I wished we lived closer to you!
you are an amazing person.your children are lucky to have you.nobody is perfect,we are all human and make mistakes.apologize and move on.i am amazed by everything that you do and how you handle it all so well.i know there are some days you feel you dont handle it that well.always remember you and your children are blessings to each other,and the world.if there were more people like you in the world it would be wonderful.with everything that you are doing and how you are raising them,they will turn out to be wonderful,thoughtful,well adjusted adults.
just remember you rock!!!!!!!!
Dear FT, we *all* make mistakes as parents, and when we are tired and stressed, they seem huge. You are out in front of the crowd in recognizing what you did and setting aside time to explain things in a more developmentally appropriate way. Good for you! In reality, it will take more than a snappish moment on your part to crush your son’s hopes and dreams (and a lot more to crush his consumerism
). I think we all need permission as adults to set the timer and whine to our hearts’ content–by getting it all out there, we can start to laugh at ourselves, hopefully by the time the timer dings. Then you can create inner space to be grateful for the job that allowed you to adopt two children at once, rent a three bedroom apartment in the city where rents are high, put food on the table 3 times a day, and still have a bit left over for music and swimming lessons and a car. (I know you know that most of the time, because you’ve expressed it here before.) I suggest you concentrate on making the final item on your wish list a reality–it seems achievable, and think how much better you’ll feel when you’re cuddled up on the sofa with it! LOL {{{Hugs to you}}}
I think you need to make a list of all the great things you are doing and have done for your kids. I am sure you will find that the list is much longer that the one of your concerns.
Dear FT You are doing your best with where you are now … so be gentle with yourself. Yes your children have suffered but now they have you! So rather than dwell on what they do/did not have … when you find yourself in that mindset flip the switch and think about what they have now. Yes they will be marked by their early life experiences but they don’t need to have those experiences define them …it’s possible to look out of other “lenses” – to perceive things differently. Snow white may have eaten that apple but she didn’t stay poisoned forever … her life moved on to good things (as are and will your children’s lives – because they have you! – a caring person – in them).
BTW Sometimes when we’re run ragged the last thing we fit in (if at all) is looking after ourselves – but that’s important because everything else in our lives can get antsy if we don’t. So have you done anything lately that nourishes you? (what nourishes you?). Sleep is good (and free!). Pema Chodren has a wonderful line with respect to meditation but I find it good for a lot of things “lower your standards and relax as it is.” Love to you all and take course of yourself.
You are so right, there is nothing wrong with wishing…life is a constant balancing act between contentment in the present and dreaming for the future. I hope you and your children really enjoyed writing out their wishes. Thank you for sharing yours: they are beautiful and noble. I wish my husband had fulltime work and didn’t do nights anymore. I wish I could visit a community in Cambodia I have started raising support for recently. And I wish my vegetable garden did not grow weeds. Grin. Amy
Go easy on yourself, you are doing amazing x
When I was going thru a divorce and not sleeping well because of anxiety, there was something I did when i went to bed that helped. There are two ways people do it. What I did was, visualize Jesus, who told us to give us his burdens. I would visualize him and ask him to take my burdens for the night. It really helped me. I was able to go to sleep. Another way is to write down the worries and either give them to Jesus for the night or put them in a box with a lid on it. Either way it helps. I hope this helps your daughter. It can work for you too!
Dear FT, please go easy on yourself. You are doing an amazing job & you & your children are blessed to have found each other. You have achieved so much together in a relatively short period of time. Be gentle on yourself – we all have those days of guilt – I think it is part of the job desciption of being a Mum. I’m sure none of us are “perfect” mums – we are just trying to do the best that we can & the daily juggling that goes on can feel truly draining. What you are giving your children is a wonderful, caring, loving, encouraging, trusting & secure relationship that teaches them about the most important things in life. I’m sending you a virtual big hug & virtual bunch of beautiful sunflowers like the ones in your recent photo of your busy, creative table. Love & prayers x
I agree with those who advise you to be gentle with yourself……And remember the advice airlines give with their oxygen mask demos – put your own mask on first….In other words, take care of yourself so you will be well enough to care for them. You are accomplishing so much, and helping them so much, that I think perhaps you are a little overwhelmed yourself. You are doing your best and you truly love your children and they will know that. Be there for yourself, and there for them. And think what they have now, compared to what they didn’t have before and focus on the now! Peace to you all, and blessings! And mercies!And may some wishes be moving in the right direction gently toward coming true.
Wishing is okay, honey – we all do that.
And then life kicks in, and we brave the storm. That is what parents do, and what we teach our children.
We lead by example, with trial and error, not giving up or in. Yes, we wish, sometimes silently, sometimes out loud.
In a few years time, you will still have wishes. Other wishes. And that’s okay too.
Nicki
Hi Frugal Trenches,
I’m so glad that you and your children found each other and that they are thriving with your love and care. I look forward to reading more in the future 
I just found your blog in the past week and have gone back and read it from the beginning. You are an inspiration and I would love to be half as good a person as you
It sounds like you’ve figured it out. I think your wishes show your depth of character, they are beautiful.
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