I mentioned yesterday that I have a newfound committment to gentle living. It isn’t something I haven’t been striving to do, but now I understand I don’t want to simply do something gentle, instead I’m hoping to live a gentle life. I was reminded of this today as my children had their first day of school. My son was excited, but nervous this morning (lip quivering, he needed an extra hug), my daughter was dreading it. I think she is far more aware of the things she is not yet able to master compared to her peers, but in addition she is working through some heavy things right now, remembering all she suffered, the times she was hurt, rejected, abandoned, and the rest…it would send most adults to therapy (rightly so) and eventually that may be what she needs, but right now we talk, hug, listen and reassure.
On Day 1 of school the homework came in full force. My son, very excited to finally be in Grade 1, leaped in with full force. My daughter worked very hard, but Grade 3 is a big jump with harder spelling words, more work sent home and much concentration needed. There were tears twice. Each time I could feel my patience level dwindling, I reminded myself of yesterdays post and breathed. Suddenly encouraging and kind words flowed again in abundance and an understanding about why she is getting distracted (a long day for a wee one!) filled me. Bedtime was relaxed but sleep did not come easy. There was a return to fear based behaviours (quietly taking favourite household items to bed – incase she is taken from home at night (as she experienced in her birth family and previous family), she needs them with her so she doesn’t forget them), there was constant blowing of her nose (anxiety), humming (another anxiety based behaviour) and my talking wasn’t working. Eventually, looking into her eyes I saw the deep fear and asked if she needed me to rock her. Moments later she was in my arms, clasping my hands tightly and her whole body relaxed. Within minutes she was asleep.
My mum didn’t agree with my approach (yes my mum is still here, 3.5 weeks and counting!), there was tutting and shaking of the head, but none of that matters to me. I’m finding my voice as my advocate for my child and what I know is that my children have suffered profoundly, they lived horrors and each day they deal with special needs (in my daughter’s case an injury to her spine which causes pain, hands which don’t quite work as they should, delays in school and memory retention struggles). They live in a world which is not always kind and gentle to those who are different. My daughter works hard to write well, but sees other children younger than her praised for their neat penmanship, while she struggles despite putting in 10x the effort. Today she was away from both me and home for the first time in months. All this to me means she deserved my grace, my patience and my understanding; she is trying the very best she can. And really that is all I can ask and expect.
Tomorrow morning I will tell her how proud I am of her handwriting. I will hug her and count with her her how many sleeps until the weekend and I will write a note in her homework diary informing her teacher how hard she worked on her homework. Yes, the gentle approach which allows for individual differences and sensitivities is where we’ll be, no matter how many tuts we get, it is what my children need and what they’ll live for the rest of their childhood; so help me God…
What an amazing person you are to give so much love to children who were hurt so terribly. I agree with you in how you handled her anxiety. My family didn’t like how I raised my children and told me so regularly, finally one day I’d had enough and informed them that they had their opportunities to do what they thought was right for their children, now it was my turn and that I had only their best interests in my heart.
Your children are so lucky to have you. My Mum used to say (and so did I) that the marks we received did not matter, it was our conduct that did. We were always expected to get top marks for that. Is it possible for your children to meet other underachievers so that they can know how well they are actually doing rather than always seeing themselves on the bottom. Hugs to you. Cherrie
It is me who is the lucky one. My daughter is actually highly intelligent, the problem is her fine motor skills and language delay, both of which were only addressed once she was adopted meaning she has so to work so hard as the window was missed. She knocks the socks off me often which how smart she is. Sadly, at a certain age you need to be able to write quickly. Still I’m confident with her OT we will get it sorted. So true though about seeing people with lots of different abilities!
I know that your are the one with the healing and love and support that God wants your children to have and that slowly it will become easier. And I am sure the gentle way is what they need. I hope your daughter (and perhaps your son needs this too) can realize that what she suffered in the past was surely because of problems, illnesses perhaps, that existed in the people taking care of her (or supposed to) and not because of anything in herself. Praying for you all.
Your poor girl. And homework on the first day?! So much for easing into things!
I find it is always best to meet irritable/sad/difficult people (children or not) at their place of fear and to be as tender as possible around this. The trick is recognizing the fear (rather than whatever behaviour it loos like) and having the patience to go with it. It sounds like you do
So true Melissa. I always knew you were a gentle soul!
Our children started in a new school this week, and even though they were looking forward to it, each morning I woke up to find either one of them snuggling in between us, apparently because of an anxiety caused nightmare.
I just give them a hug and smile and say: “Well, hullo, this is a nice surprise to wake up to!”
They both had anxiety issues in the past – this comes with the territory of being highly sensitive. Luckily, they are now secure enough to return that smile and say: “Yes, I thought you’d like the comfort of your little boy/girl sleeping next to you, now that school has started again and you’re all alone during the day.”
I guess all I’m saying is, that we all have different tones of voices to cope with anxiety, and if your way feels right to you, then it IS the right way.
Nicki
Oh Nicki, I hope they have a great week this week. Yes, as a very sensitive person myself I now see I have anxiety I never realized was anxiety until I became a mother. I come from an anxious family so I thought it was normal!
I love the safety you provide for your children. And it is lovely to see new little people appear in the am (as I type a little girl is sound asleep next to me)
!
As others have said, and you yourself are finding with increasing confidence, *you* know what is best for your children. I know sometimes it can be hard to stand up to the opinion of others (I find it particularly hard with some of my family members), but I am glad to hear you feel increasingly confident in your skills as a parent. Your children are lucky to have you, and you them! all the best
Just wanted to leave a bit of encouragement in regard to rocking your kids. A woman I know adopted two children out of a pretty terrible circumstance. The boys had an attachment disorder, very severe in the case of the oldest. They’ve seen a therapist for years, and part of the therapy includes their mom rocking them. Even when the oldest was in his early teens. I know that sounds totally off, but it worked for them. In the end, bringing healing to her boys was her highest concern.
You are a wonderful mother and you and your children are blessed to have each other in your lives. Always remember that you know your children the best and trust your motherly instincts as to what your children need. It’s tough to go up against parental disapproval, but these are your children. Yours to enjoy, nurture, and love.
We have faced similar disapproval for some of our parenting choices – homebirth, cosleeping, delayed solids, nursing to sleep, NOT sleep training, etc. We have decided that it is more important to enjoy our child while she is still a child (or baby) rather than pushing her towards independance before she is ready. She’s been very good about communicating when she is ready to do things on her own. Gentle parenting is the way to go, IMO.
If you ever need reassurance or a good reference, check out “Parenting with positive guidance.” http://notjustcute.com/ebook-parenting-with-positive-guidance/.
Good for you rocking your daughter to sleep. It is our jobs as parents to raise our children. To give them the ability and teach them to deal with their struggles (including putting themselves to sleep), but ALSO to recognize when they need you, when you need to rock them to sleep. Especiallly little ones who have been through so much.
School started last week for us, and my first grader fell asleep sprawled across me while I read him a book. He’s gotten a lot less attention with the baby here now.
Handwriting: break it down. Have her practice just “a” for a few days. Just a few minutes a day. Just “a.” Then “b.” (Caps and lower case or either or both.) Then a few days connecting a and b. She can now write “baa!” Get her a stuffed lamb. Make the task very small and no-fail. For language skills: sing. Anything sung stays in the brain more easily than recitation. Spelling, especially. Or list memorization. She can sing her homework with you, set to any tune she likes. Then she can hum it in her head when she is tested. (Practice this.). Take the fear out, take the dread out, make the task small. She will learn content and something else — problem solving.
Oh hun..i am sat here almost crying at the beautiful approach you have with the gorgeous children of yours…i have the same approach with mine and it works so well..i have 6 amazing children..and they are my world…
I agree with Leslie above about practice..i have just removed my 6yr old from school after some disturbing things and inappropriate comments were made that has seriously knocked her confidence..at the moment small and steady steps are being turned into amazing accomplishments..my 3yr old is finding it all fascinating and wants to be with me and her sister..
Patience is a virtue my lovely and you have it…
good luck and lots of hugs from
sara,fern,iris
You know them best – others should recognize that. We all have our own ways of parenting.
Just got 2 very tired boys to bed after their first day back at school… think they need a bit of gentle parenting over the next couple of days x
So glad you are looking after them in such a caring way … I hope your mum staying with you and her differing views do not become a source of stress. Little ones who have been through what your children have need a lot of help to learn self soothing and emotional regulation – it’s such an important skill for life and children learn that from parents who are present and caring of them … love to all of you and I hope things get a little easier for you x
How strange that we are doing the same things on the same day ! Return to school here , wonderboy comes home in terrible pain and i rock him to sleep on his bed ( he is 14 ). Everything you’re doing for your little ones is so the right thing – let no one tell you differently – but be guided by them. Dont you think it is amazing after so much trauma they have learnt to trust enough to ask to be held. What progress they have made. I will think of you all and hope tomorrow is a better day. xx
There is nothing like a hug; there is nothing to compare to loving reassurance. How much we all need this, and how much more do little children need it! I had to put up with some tutting and sharply worded criticism of my parenting style from mom and in-laws. Now that my dd is an adult, I can honestly say that I have no regrets about the times I showed supportive understanding, and many about the times that I didn’t. I think the former have really borne fruit in my dd’s life, and you will see this in the lives of your own children some day. God bless!
FT, I almost cried as I read this post. I have always loved reading what you write; your gentleness has come out many times, even before you adopted your sweet “wee ones.” What a blessing you are to so many – not just the children but to all of us who are encouraged/inspired/edified by what you share. I wish that I had had such wisdom when I was as young as you, but I can’t change my past – only my present. My blog is about being involved in bringing God’s kingdom to “earth as it is in heaven,” and I truly believe that is what you have been doing for years now. Thank you for the beauty you bring to the world, and most especially to your children.
Such a lovely, very generous comment filled with grace. Honestly I’m a very average Jane who has so much to learn. Your comment has inspired me though, thank you from the depths of my heart.
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Such grace your children are experiencing. That was certainly the Holy Spirit who inspired you to look into her eyes, see the fear, and respond with such tender mercy. Your children are learninga bout God every time He does something like that through you. You will be in my prayers.
Linda Nichols
everytime I read a blog post I feel like i take something from it. Some of my sons behaviors have always puzzled me and the list of disorders just goes on. Today as I read your post I realized I have been going about it all wrong and probably handling it the way your mom probably wants you to, being a parent of 3 and my husband working very long hours usually resulted in me just doing what worked for that moment. my children are almost grown and I need to learn to slow down and stop hurrying
thanks so much for you wonderful words that always seem to hit at the right time. God truely is working through you…
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