This week I had one of those days, a day as a Mama I dread, a day where I didn`t see my children during any of their waking hours. I was away from home, knee high in a project, for 16 hours. There were many times during that day that the tears fell easily, as I wondered what my wee ones were doing, heard their voices on the phone and looked at their art which adorned my walls. And as I finally sat in the drivers seat on my way home, the tear came freely, no longer a pretense to hold. Arriving home I kissed their sweet, sleeping faces and whispered how sorry I was. I got into the shower and sobbed, thoughts about the unfairness of it all filled me. Why did the man I thought would be my eventual children`s father die. Why does it cost so much to live. Why does the life you believe in, often feel too far out of reach.
And then an email popped through from my bookgroup with a fun, family activity and I imagined two beaming faces holding their Mama`s hand saying how much they love it. Next a message came through from a good friend, a friendship I often worry about, and the message was lovely. And I felt at peace. It was followed by a my opening the mail which contained a lovely card from the friend who recently visited. She wrote that our family is the most loving, happy family she has ever had the privilege of knowing. And I beamed. I looked again at my sleeping beauties and my heart swooned. In that moment, it hit me – we have enough. We have each other and people who care about us and we care about. Yes I may worry about affording a home of our own, the hours I can`t be with them, childcare, their health challenges and the list (which does not need to be rehashed) goes on, but more than that I remembered if we always have each other, we have all we really need.
The next day was even longer, I dreaded it, but I was also more aware of what we do have and a voice in my head told the negative to quiet down. That day I was blessed with: help I didn`t expect, my children cared for so I could focus on putting the project to bed, my son`s bed wetting, which meant I got to spend some time with him at 2 am. (Oh, my sleepy boy was delightful and so happy for a hug from mama.) There was hummus gifted from a friend, a fun adventure for my children courtesy of the couple my children think hung the moon, and cuddles with the kitty. And it was enough.
As the challeging days entered Day 3 (the final day) I was exhausted but at peace. I had found a new appreciation for our mostly simple days. I`d had a glimpse at a life I don`t want and realized all I really want is time with my children and our family to be together in a simple life bound by love. Somehow it made those difficult days worth it. (Though I do not wish to repeat them again.)