Over the last three weeks we had our first house guest since we became a family. I’ve mentioned a bit about the impact on the food spending, but I thought I’d share what I’ve learned, both to help myself understand how to be better prepared next time and for others who may wonder how they can establish boundaries when the budget is tight.
What Went Well:
- My friend is lovely and it was good to catch up!
- It was wonderful to be able to provide her with a base & place to stay while she explored. Generally speaking she was here for 5 to 6 days, then away for 3 days, for 3 cycles. I’m glad she had a “home” to stay in so she could explore without paying for hotels apart from her trips further afield (Montreal & Quebec City, Kingston & Ottawa, Niagara Falls etc.)
- It was very nice treat to be able to take my daughter to physio therapy twice without my son having to tag along (we have to go downtown in an evening, so it makes for a late night).
- The adult company was lovely!
- It made me see I’m very pleased with my decision to move here
- I am delighted my children met such a dear friend!
Lessons Learned
- While I explained some of our budget limitations, mostly in relation to the fact we wouldn’t be able to join her on weekends away, I wish I had clarified in more detail what that meant. I think if you don’t have forced frugality, you don’t really understand that expecting someone to drive you 2 hrs there and back to a place you want to see, means they need to find that money from somewhere, our choices are food and medications, neither of which is a real option!
- I will admit, there were a couple of times where my resentment about the costs, in light of the fact I have two children to raise, got the better of me. It was the second week where in the space of 5 days 8 eggs were consumed, as were 2 tins of tuna, a whole squash, all the beets, the whole bunch of bananas, all the nuts, 2 whole containers of yoghurt, a whole jar of organic peanut butter and the punnet of blueberries. None of which entered our mouths. I found it stressful.
- I would spend more time in advance preparing a house guest for how I will need to parent to meet my children’s needs. As they were adopted late, with so many homes prior to this, their forever home, I have to constantly watch for signs of attachment issues. While the guest staying reassured me about my daughter’s attachment, it made me aware my son’s past still means he “mommy shops” and to protect his long term mental health, I will need to work on that. Next time I will explain to guests in advance things like bedtime routines need to just be with me & the children, rather than have to talk about it once they are here.
- I needed to better explain things like appropriate clothing for children. On the day my friend baby-sat, I was horrified to find out what my daughter went out in (a dress 3 sizes too small!). Another day my children’s best outfits were ruined, as was my table cloth and a chair (!) as they were allowed to paint with no boundaries. It was my fault as I shouldn’t expect everyone to feel comfortable putting limits on these things.
- I felt uncomfortable with some of the religious teachings my friend talked to the children about. In the future I would address this in advance.
It was a lovely visit, I’m glad my children learned so many great things about being a host and caring for others and I so appreciate my friend baby-sitting when she was local and didn’t have anything planned. However, I did also learn that once you have a family it isn’t as easy as it was before and they will need to come first, especially with the type of past my children experienced and especially if the visitor stays longer than a few days.
The old saying, “Guests, like fish, smell after three days” is one I keep in mind whenever I have guests coming around, as well as when I am staying over as a guest. I’ve been burned by guests who’ve overstayed and literally consumed everyy bit of my limited resources as a newly divorced mother and have had to struggle with the the destitution it left me and my young daughter in the months that followed. In essence I’ve learned that whilst it may be impossible to reject houseguests entirely, the most I can do is to make them feel welcome but explain that I have to be up and about on the 3rd or 4th day. It helps to plan something my daughter and I can do in advance. Likewise, I never stay anywhere longer than 3 days. You were most kind and generous in accommodating your friend; I hope she returns you the favour when you and your children visit her one day.
I’m so sorry you had that experience. I think, during my week of resentfulness, I felt that her presence was taking away my ability to meet the needs of my children. And that was very emotive for me. I too only ever stay anywhere for 3 nights max and I always do things like: take my hosts out for a meal, take the sheets off the bed, clean the bathroom I used etc. I also always offer food & petrol money, simply because I want people to know I didn’t expect a free ride. I think in future, my limit for guests is a week. Much of what was challenging really was my own issue and I should have communicated our limitations better. I also think, if you are on your own, with more disposable income and help from family with bigger items (car costs, vacations etc.) and on-going things like a couple of meals out a week at parents/siblings and free lunches at work etc. (therefore reducing your food costs) you really can’t imagine what it is like to worry about feeding extra mouths and not having a “go-to” safety net to give $$ when in a pickle.
I understand. I had a house guest give my children their medicines. I was so upset and his meddlesome ways did not stop there.
I am glad you were able to enjoy the visit.
I really did enjoy the visit and despite all, it was lovely to see her!
I’ve been tagging along for a few months now, and what amazes me the most about you, is that you are able to sit down and look at things as they are.
A lot of people would’ve just said: “No way am I going to entertain this friend at my house again.” People tend to close up, because it is hard to stay open and accept things for what they are, while figuring out how to approach issues the next time they come up. That’s called “learning and growing”, and it takes a huge effort.
I think you are a very thoughtful mother and a good friend.
Nicki
Thanks Nicki. I am really trying to hold myself to not being disposable – I think if I allow myself to just feel frustrations and believe they are caused by others, I’m likely to view relationships, opportunities and situations as “been there, done that, didn’t work” rather than see where I could have done things differently – I think we are so quick to throw away friendships – though some are certainly worthy of ties being broken, many (most?) really need to be approached with a big dollop of grace. I am not perfect and I guarantee I did things which frustrated my friend, too.
Your words are very kind and gracious. Thank you!
One of the hardest things about parenting is that nobody parents like you do, and nobody has quite your values. When my kids were younger, I had to have discussions with my own parents about how I expected my children to be treated, and what was OK and what was not. My mother would buy all kinds of food that we would NEVER even bring into the house – she meant well, but I found I had to plan all our meals and shop ahead to prevent her from doing that. It’s hard to keep your cool too when other adults say or do things that are completely inappropriate for your children. I’ve found that one way to handle it is to approach the adult and explain your concerns, but also approach your children if you know it caused them to be uncomfortable. “So-and-so said/did something that made me uncomfortable tonight at dinner. I thought it might have made you feel uncomfortable too. Do you want to talk about it?” It can be a good learning opportunity and a chance to reaffirm your own values, and to let your children know that they are safe to voice their own concerns when they feel that something isn’t right.
Parenting is the hardest job out there. You’re doing an amazing job and your beautiful children are so very lucky to have you as their mum!
I’m amazed you were able to separate out the benefits from the lessons learned an enjoy the visit. I’m annoyed on your behalf that your friend didn’t either offer to buy groceries or give you gas money and used your resources after you specifically told her you were financially strapped right now. You are a good friend indeed.
Like other commenters, I feel frustrated for you that your guest wasn’t more forthcoming with sharing the financial burden of feeding her and driving her places. I hope you are able in the future to explain this need up front to future guests. I rarely offer advice, as I hate getting it myself (unsolicited , that is), but this is really irritating! I suppose, as you pointed out some people can’t relate to financial restrictions. Interestingly, 2 of my older siblings are irritated by my frugality. It isn’t born of necessity, but more of a desire to be fiscally conservative because i HATE waste, and I also am very anti consumer. I find their irritation surprising when they are visiting or I am visiting them. It is very challenging to spend time with people whose values are so different than mine.
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What I see is a person who loves God and has used her faith to help children in need. Through your actions and your faith, God has given you children, and he’s given you blessings to care for them. Yet your friend denied God’s own hand, by taking without giving in return? Your enemies will come from your own household, God has promised.
I don’t wish to misrepresent God though, because he also said to love your enemies. So we can forgive them and we shouldn’t fear them (love them like God does) but when we offer gifts to false alters (ie: friends – putting them before God’s own example) we open the door for false beliefs, so confusion becomes our new focus.
More than a lack of money, I think this is what you are struggling most with – the unbelief which stayed, left its mark and left you wanting. You need to ask God how you’re supposed to open your household, so his gifts are not taken from those placed in your care. They are wasted if they go to anyone else, who does not regard God. Not because God is mean, he just won’t force those in unbelief to see him. They cannot see his gifts because God won’t force them to. Neither can you. But, he can protect and guide YOU, if you come to his alter first.
God is very generous and he loves many in his household, but he does teach when it comes to judgement, there are clearly sheep and goats. To put it in a modern context, let’s not imagine livestock being killed or preserved from hellfire. Rather, think of the soul which burns on a daily basis when we think like a goat – independent and rebellious – or like sheep, we respond to the guidance of a shepherd.
If you put a goat in with a sheep in real terms today, the sheep will always follow the goat. The goat will do whatever it regards as doable however, with or without the sheep. This is only confusing for the sheep, because it cannot think as an individual – it’s designed to move as a body of many members. Jesus knows this, it’s why he came to speak clearly to the sheep.
So rather than thinking of what’s right for friendship, think on the first alter and only that. He will not cause you to hate friendship (or individuals) but rather to value it so you can discern what ‘is’ a friend. Notice in his last act before being crucified, he said, “now I call you friends”. Because the friends know what the master is doing, more than the servants.
And because Jesus calls us friends, we see the true example of friendship – do we then call friends who do not align with the same example, more than him? If a friend happens to be a goat, and we let them, they can lead us astray. I say this with full respect to livestock, as I want to get a goat in the future.
This is not meant to be a put-down, rather an embellishment of God’s word versus mankind’s confusion. We cannot find the way to green pasture if we listen to goats, because God made them to eat thorns and branches.
And when you dine with a goat, expect your soft pasture to be well and truly trampled as they agitate for more browsing than what’s provided by the shepherd for the sheep.
I do think it must have been wonderful for you to see a dear friend from far away, and to have another adult in the house for a while and have some adult chat. However, I think perhaps you confused the desire to be hospitable with your commitment to being charitable towards the needy. Your friend came for an unusually long visit, she obviously has enough money for international travel, and she is a dear friend, not a charity project. Why not simply say in the future, “I’d love to see you, but with two children with special needs and one salary, I’m going to have to ask you to chip in x amount for groceries and gasoline.” You are still opening your home freely to a friend, saving her hundreds of dollars in hotel bills and bus fares, and of course still putting up with the lifestyle differences all friends have to put up with when they share close quarters. Asking a friend to share legitimate expenses is not inhospitable. After all, you are still cleaning, planning fun things, sharing your home, cooking special treats, etc. It would be nice if you didn’t have to ask, but the reality is that with some people you do, not because they are nasty, but just because that issue isn’t on their radar. I have done this myself, and have not encountered any resentment at my honesty. The issues with the children are tough to foresee, but you learned a lot for future visits, and you all had a good time most of the time.
I totally agree with Mitty. My experience is that people who are comfortably off simply do not realise the difficult situation they are putting you in. Your friend would probably be mortified if she knew she’d eaten more food than you could afford. Most people in her position would cheerfully pay for a week’s groceries in exchange for lodgings and company whilst travelling (if they were asked to!) It sounds as though you know that you need to be clearer about your needs next time and that’s spot on. You’re such a caring person, you tend to put yourself last, and whilst that works OK when you’re single, you perhaps need to address that now that you have children as they suffer the consequences too.
Hi FT. As always, you inspire me with your grace, generosity and spirit. The subject of house guests has been very on my mind of late as I fear I have been guilty of being a thoughtless house guest and have several times overstayed my welcome. I have a good friend in the USA (and I live in New Zealand) and have been to visit her four times over the past 20 years or so. Each time I would stay a week with her and 4-5 days with her parents. I recall her Mum saying to me several times that house guests were like fish, they went off after three days and I used to wonder why she was telling me that (she also used to say to me that you couldn’t get anywhere in life if you didn’t have good teeth – I have a gap). Call me a slow learner but it has only recently occurred to me that she was trying to tell me I was overstaying my welcome – doh! We had very little money growing up and never had house guests once in my memory so I never realised the imposition, the extra expense and inconvenience, and the sheer discomfort of having people in your home for any length of time – no matter how much you love them or enjoy their company. Only in the past few years have I had people to stay and oh. my. gosh. unless you have a large home, two cars and separate bathrooms, it gets very tiresome, very quickly. I have always offered to pay my own way and offer food and petrol money and also take gifts when I have stayed with friends. But I’m left feeling mortified that I clearly overstepped the boundaries with my friend’s parents, stayed too long and possibly didn’t contribute enough. I want to apologise but I am fearful of making a big deal out of something that isn’t a big deal to them and/or somehow offending them. Sigh! All of the above is a long way of saying some of us simply don’t think. We don’t mean to cause angst or difficulty and we certainly don’t ever mean to put people out or overstay our welcome. So I would encourage you and everyone else to always set boundaries and expectations before people come to stay. If they had said: “We’d love to see you Leigh but could you please contribute more to our grocery bill or cook a meal or two or limit your stay to only three days,” I would have been perfectly fine with that. One other thing – I always helped set the table and helped with the dishes and offered to help with cooking, but I was always fearful of overstepping the boundaries by doing more. I wasn’t always a good cook and would have been terrified to cook a meal for them. But I do wish I had been more worldy-wise and less reticient and picked up the very obvious cues! As I say, some of us mean well; we just need things spelled out clearly. I hope the financial issues you are experiencing are soon resolved. You and your family are in my prayers tonight and I send you much love and light. Leigh
Leigh, if you can afford to, maybe you could send your friend’s parents a basket of fruit or a bouquet of flowers, with a note saying, “I’ve been thinking about all the wonderful times I spent with you and I just wanted to send you these to thank you for your kind and generous hospitality”. It perhaps doesn’t make up for it but it will give them the warm glow you get from an unexpected gift and remind them of the good times they spent with you. I’m usually in the friend’s parents situation and I am quite sure that I would really appreciate that from some of my past houseguests regardless of how they behaved at the time. (And you don’t sound that bad to me!)
That is a really great idea Alicey – thank you.
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