Every now and then adoption feels hard. Not because loving my children is hard, or caring for them is hard, or even the process (ssshhh, like a hard labour, I have forgotten the wickedness of the paperwork and endless visits), but what feels very very hard is the perception people carry - the perceptions, beliefs and stereotypes that it is less, not as real, not as valid a way to build a family. And my heart hurts that occasionally my children hear these things, and in truth, hearing them saddens me too. I think of all the babies I cared for in the orphanages while volunteering overseas and wonder why anyone would doubt their ability to love one of those precious wee ones, who outstretched their arms and wanted nothing more than love. I look at my own children, I see them stroke my face, call me mummy and jump up and down with excitement, and I contemplate how anyone could tell me they are not really my children, or look at them and say they would not do so much for someone who was not their flesh and blood. (In situations like this I never know what to say and do. I am always tempted to point out their partner is not their flesh and blood, but they have no problem loving him or her.)
I think it is normal to question, wonder and pontificate on what it may feel like and yes, even admit, for a time, there may be differences. Maybe those parental feelings will take a few weeks, or months, to kick in. Maybe it will seem strange to suddenly have a new person in your house who needs, and even demands, everything. But you know, plenty of biological parents probably face the same challenges. Behind closed doors, some admit that the attachment took time. Many admit it was like having a screaming little alien (said in the nicest way!) take over ever spare second of the day. And that is A-OK! Even with years of nannying experience, I was certainly not prepared, I doubt you really can be. In fact, I will go as far as to say parenting brought me to my knees, it humbled me and no book, class, conversation, or experience is comparable. It is like being given a unicycle (which you have never seen before, though had related experience – riding a bike) and being told to trek to a mountain you only have a vague idea as to where it is located.
Sadly, the aspect of parenting that I am struggling with, is the view adoption is less. I am saddened it is deemed OK to say negative things about adoption to me, or my children, when I would never dream of questioning anyones choice to have a birth child. One does not trump the other. They are different at times, yes. But you know, we both end up making endless meals for our children, kissing their cuts and scrapes, reading them bed time stories, singing them songs, cheering at soccer matches and helping with homework; the how they got here really is a small detail in the day to day happenings. Yes, there are things because I adopted that I have no control over – drugs my children were exposed to during pregnancy, neglect, malnourishment, abuse, abandonment, failed adoptions and genetic predispositions. But, I am still a mum whose eyes light up when I see my children. I am still a mum who spent 40 minutes reading to two bouncing, lovely precious souls tonight. I am still a mum just like the lady next door, with children who happen to be biologically related, who wished my children happy dreams, said prayers with them and kissed them goodnight. I am still the mum who will cry in the morning a few little silent tears because I want, more than anything, to be with mine all the time.
Having a biological child is wonderful
Adopting is beautiful
Being an auntie is precious
Accepting a role of godmother to a child is grand
Sponsoring a child is life-changing
Choosing to not have a child is 100% as valid a choice as choosing to have a child
And tonight, what I wanted to say in response to the comment across the room, was: living your life filled with love and acceptance of not only your differences, but everyone elses too, is a joy-filled existence. It means you have more room to encourage and love. It means you have more room to build up someone up, instead of tear someone down…
Who are these people? People who adopt go through so much to build their families. All adopted children are wanted from the start of the adoption process – you can’t have an “oops” as you can with having a biological child. Please try not to listen when people say such things; perhaps they don’t know what they say? I can imagine it’s very hard though. God bless you, FT.
I should clarify that – the “oops” I meant was the “oops, I’m pregnant.” Ha ha.
Crawling out now before I dig myself in deeper…
I’m a mom to 2 children adopted out of foster care & agree that at times there can be a stigma about it. Adoptive families are different in some respects, but our love, joy, hope, and commitment are not determined by bloodlines or any other biological connections. Thanks for posting!
Several relatives have adopted inside our family. I can assure there has been no difference in their parenting and their children have been fully accepted, loved and respected by everyone. I gave birth to twins 21 months ago and I didn’t feel any sort of attachment the first three months. Even been “desired babies” we needed to spend many weeks together before I properly accepted their presence in our lifes and started loving them. SO please don’t listen to other people telling you nonsense. Enjoy your son and your daugther, enjoy been a MOTHER and be thankfull to have been able to experience this fantastic adventure: help a child to became an adult! Congratulations for your wise choise!
In what world is it OK to to say negative things to a mother and her children? Do not listen to them! You are so much more than they can ever be. Just walk away. Hug your children and say a prayer for all the ignorant people. You and your children are a miracle as are all happy loving families.
Maybe the difference is in the heart and mind or the adopter as opposed to what is in the perception of the commenter. If you think adopting is not the same then it never will be. On the other hand, a person who adopts has a different mind set and anything is possible for them, including the forming of a forever family from disparate backgrounds. You might point out the number of genetic families who have nothing to do with each other (and don’t even want to) once the parenting phase has finished, Cherrie
Amen, Frugal Trenches, amen! Adoption is NOT a second-best option. Thanks so much for posting this. I have a hard time convincing people that adoption is so much more than a last resort. But believe me there are people who do understand your point of view (I agree with all that you wrote!) and we are trying to spread the word!
We human beings seem to have an innate need to view some things as “less than.” It’s not logical, and whatever is deemed “less” differs from person to person. As much as it hurts to be on the receiving end of that, you also get the opportunity to help change that attitude when it comes to adoption, just by being there and loving your children in the way that you so obviously do.
Oh, FT I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hurtful it is. I really like the last sentence you wrote. I think many people when they don’t want to do something but see others do it, have a need to find fault to almost validate their choice. We all have memories of being teased or having hurtful things said, yet people seem to just continue the cycle. I am sorry you have to experience this, and especially sorry your children do too.
This is the kind of post I could have written a few years ago when we were at the start of building our family through adoption. Adoption is a choice, not the last option! I get so angry even now when people say ‘I admire why you for taking on……’ Taking on?! As for asking about their real parents? What isn’t more real than loving and caring and nurturing your children every hour of every day. I know how these comments can hurt, but I also know what an amazing human being and mum you are, try(if you can) to ignore silly insensitive comments and let’s keep spreading the word about how adoption is just the best!
Take care
Lisa xx
Some people are so cruel, thoughtless and unkind. Whatever motivates then to say such awful things?
Dear FT, you are doing a grand job raising you own family and giving them such a wonderful home. Just keep trying to put the barbed comments from these thoughtless people out of your mind. Easier said than done I know.
I can’t believe the things people say, or think for that matter. Someone recently tried to tell me that she felt I was selfish and self indulgent for deciding to not have kids. I told her that I in fact see having children as selfish and self indulgent – it isn’t as if you are doing it for anyone but yourself. I would never have said that, but as she felt inclined to present her unsolicited view, I felt I could offer mine. I don’t view people having kids as selfish and self indulgent , but I have to say, giving a home to 2 children who wouldn’t otherwise have one is a lovely thing to do. It never would have occured to me to think of your family as ‘not as valid’ as a birth family.
Ugh. I get this. I was party to a conversation the other day that left me feeling like I have made the “less than” choice. It was a conversation between two of my friends, both of whom know I am adopting and who are very supportive of this. And yet, when one brought up the fact that she is considering adoption as well, the other tried to talk her out of it, because “there is nothing as special as a baby you made with someone you love.” And then, she proceeded to ask why I wasn’t using a sperm donor rather than adopting. Honestly, not being a parent yet, I can’t really comment on the differences one way or another, but I know that the theoretical child I am adopting is wanted just as much as any biological child I could possibly have. Love is love is love.
Well said! Anyone who says this to you is a) jealous of how giving n selfless you have been and b) confronted by their own limitations in giving and love – cause you are certainly NOT limited…in any way. Your love for your children is selfless, boundless and unconditional – n anyone who says it is less is actually confronted with their less. Go will and gently and in peace….Lisa
I am appalled (and furious on your behalf!) that anyone could be so absolutely insensitive as to say this type of stuff, especially in front of your children. People are entitled to their own opinions, and I have no problem with that, but to say that your family situation is less than someone who gave birth??????? Absolutely rubbish!!!! I would just say quietly to them, that they are entitled to their opinion but that you would appreciate it if they would not voice those sentiments in the presence of your children. Rotten so and so’s!!!! Don’t let them bring you down, they are simply not worth it!
Love and hugs from across the other side of the world, Judy xx
How judgemental people can be! I’m trying to be kind and think of them as ‘thoughtless’ rather than ‘downright rude’ (although that’s what it comes across as…). There’s always a place for discussion of ‘how it feels’ to do anything slightly out of the ordinary I think – but that place is not in front of the children and a tired mother in a judgemental way! Sorry you had to experience that xx
People say the most bizarre things. I was walking with my toddler the other day and pointed out a dog to her and a woman passing us said, “use an adjective! say, look at the black dog, or the barking dog.” I just wrote her off as a former teacher who can’t help herself but part of me wanted to say, really? My husband’s aunt has one biological and one adopted child and his mother (my mother in law) still refers to the adopted child as, “Anne, the adopted one.” The kid is now 30 years old and she’s still being identified as adopted. It makes me crazy. It was a one time event and she insists on having it define this woman her entire life. I asked my husband’s aunt if it bothered her that her sister says this and she said she learned long ago to not pay attention to dim witted people-even if they ARE blood related!
Great post. I have been shocked by the things people have asked me and said to me since we adopted our daughter 5 years ago. This includes friends as well as complete strangers. I have a biologic child as well and yes- the miracle of having a child is something that I am so grateful to have experienced but that does not make me feel that my daughter is any less my child or that I love her any differently or that a family formed through adoption is something less than a family. Was it different getting a 10 month old baby versus delivering a newborn- yes, but it does not change that she is my daughter and that I am her mother.
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oh no!! Just ignore them! They are probably speaking from the self induced guilt that they can probably never adopt or give love freely like you… just like vegetarian/nonvegetarian fights that still happen, most people always like to take a dig at the other side. Ignore them anyway!
Much More love to you and your kids! Love is love, no matter who showers it!
About 15 yrs ago, I read a poem written by a mom to her adopted child.. At the end,It goes something like this..
You were born from my heart, not under it!
To me, That’s the only difference between adopted child and bio child.
You know, I read this post a few days ago, and I haven’t been able to get it off of my mind. It’s probably because I was debating adoption after years of infertility, and decided to go with one last IVF cycle instead. To our amazement we ended up pregnant with twins. I guess why this post stopped and made me think was, why did I decide to go with natural birth instead of adoption, was I inadvertently looking down on adoption? I don’t think I was. Part of me would still love to adopt someday (but twin boys may be enough of a challenge for now). I suppose partially it was because it was cheaper (believe it or not) to do IVF where I live (the one state in the US that requires IVF be covered medically) and partially because I’d hoped to hear a girl sing with the same voice my mother and grandmother and I all share (notice I said twin boys). I think sometimes people look down at adoption out of a false sense that we “own” our children or that we have some sort of control over who they will become, and somehow people link that to having been the ones to stick together a few strands of DNA. Sure, we are responsible for our children’s education (and I mean that in all senses of the word), and we are responsible for giving our children the love and security necessary to live in a diverse an often unfair world, but we ultimately are guides, not possessors, regardless of how much we put into children. I am glad I ended up being able to keep this pregnancy going after a lot of previous heartbreak, it has been an interesting experience. But honestly, I think it’s only one experience of motherhood. Personally, I think that if someone unwittingly (or outright blatantly) portrays adoption as a “lesser” path to maternity, then perhaps it’s their own lack of experience that causes them to see things that way. How can I really know the unique joys of adoption when I haven’t adopted? Perhaps you should pity them just a little for never getting to experience the moments of motherhood that you have that are uniquely yours.
God bless you and your two beautiful children. I am a mother of two adopted children. I get many different comments because they are five months apart and one is bi- racial. They love each other and they are our children that we prayed for and thank you for this post!!