Six months ago both children were reunited as my son moved in, a month prior my daughter arrived – they’ve been home 6 and 7 month respectively. Every time I check my email (rare & infrequent) it is filled with people asking questions about adopting older children, siblings and well adoption in general. I think there are far too many blogs out there which don’t talk about the hard thing, the difficult adjutments, the special need, the joys, yes, but the reality too. This isn’t an adoption blog, but this morning after reading our adoption report and remembering a raw post from a mother through adoption and birth, I decided today I was going to do an update with things I’ve found, things that have surprised me, things that have shaken me, things that have made me realize just how wonderfully magical this journey and way of building a family is…

Lessons

• The mama bear instinct to protect is ferocious and just the reminder on the days you most need it of how much your children mean to you
• There will be days you feel like you have strangers living in your home. Not many people suddenly have two people they don’t know, with likes and dislikes they can articulate and opinions that are just as valid as your own (& worthy of respect) move in overnight.
• It is O.K. to grieve for your past life. You will miss it. The freedom, the financial security, the ability to rest, relax and make choices that are right for you.
• Often the choices you make as best for your children are not best for you. That is O.K. they really do come first and you don’t even realize the sacrifices you are making until someone points it out.
• People will support you. I can not tell you how much my children’s Godparents have helped me. I do not know where I would be without them. They continue to help me out in a pinch when I have work commitments I can’t get out of and school is not in session. Having no family in the country, well, things like this make us a tad vulnerable.
• Adopting children brings out past grief (miscarriages, stillbirth, widowhood, deaths of parents, poor attachment to your own family as a child) –  if there is past trauma there, you will find it. Be prepared.
• Trust your motherhood instincts. You may not be a “professional” but you know your children better, even after only living together a few months, then someone who sees them in an office setting.
• Special needs bring with them worry about the future. No matter how aware you were of the risks, you do worry about where those needs will lead your children in the teenage years and beyond.
• Mothering two is a whole different ballgame to one. One child was e.a.s.y., I could really just take her with me anywhere. Life didn’t change that much. Adding in my son and the third child that is sibling rivalry/exciting each other, well that puts us in a new place.
• Sometimes you need to put one child’s needs over another. That is h.a.r.d.
• But then you realize it is give and take. The other child will get their turn.
• A career and parenting are not always a great mix. If I had the choice I would work far less hours or not at all. Obviously that isn’t possible and we make the best of it.
•  Children, particularly with special needs, can bankrupt you. It isn’t that I believe children are necessarily expensive – I purchase almost everything for them second hand, we use the library, make arts & crafts by repurposing materials and don’t gather “stuff” but their special needs costs thousands.
• Expect if you adopt that special needs will present that you did not know about. Both of my children have had three (potential four – we are awaiting results) turn up that were not know about at adoption. If we did everything recommended, it would cost about an additional $2000 a month to what I already spend.
• When your children have a history which impacts on them/their learning/behaviour/growth & development, it will be very hard to engage with parents of more typical kids. Talking about sticker charts, bed wetting and how to achieve balance isn’t possible when you are waiting to find out scary test results.
• About special needs, one thing to consider when adopting is whether you have anyone in your life that could cope with your child(rens) special needs in the event you can’t parent either short-term (illness, work trip etc.) or should something happen to you. The very thought, is at times, bone chilling.
• People you barely have a relationship with pre-adoption will become something special to you & your children post-adoption.  It is quite beautiful how children make connections.
• You will never be the parent you think you will be.
• Perfection doesn’t exist.
• There will be days you want to rewind. Sometimes many days in a row.
• There will be days which are so joyous you want to bottle them up and breathe them in.
• The realization you may always need to parent therapeutically hits h.a.r.d.
• The realization you have it so much better than many families who are struggling makes you so thankful yours are doing so well.
• The reality that you may always need to deal with previous families of your children is tough, particularly when some want to be over-involved and others dropped them like a hot potato and even when they agreed they would maintain some contact so your child doesn’t feel unloved (particular as there is a sibling still there), they just reject and reject and reject.
• Ghosts from your children’s pasts may resurface when you least expect it.
• Your children will suddenly make gains you, or the experts, never thought possible!
• Your children will tell you they love you just when you need to hear it.
• Some personalities mix better than others. But you still have to make it work in a family. Over time you can try to find solutions and explain each person has needs. They may not get it at first, but just keep trying to explain how everyone is unique. You need the reminder more than they do! 
• Motherhood is relentless, exhausting, beautiful, joyous and by far the best experience of my life.
• Adoption is beautiful. Poetic.  Magical. But it is, like most things in life, a journey. A journey with bumps and potholes but a journey which arrives somewhere beautiful.