1. How do I make my 2012 budget balance? So far I’m somewhere between 300-500 short! Second income, or free childcare {aka stay at home parent} where are you? 
2. How do I stop my children from running in our home? They are terribly coordinated after years of no exercise, so they slip and trip and it really isn’t safe {I give them loads of exercise in other ways, but running at home isn’t my preferred option!}
3. How on earth do I reign in the sibling rivalry? They do so well if each other is hurt, scared etc. {so loving and kind!} but they are used to being one of 30+ children, followed by being in different homes with much much needier children than they are, so I think are just trying to “establish” their place and are loving all the extra attention {or so they keep telling me}. They also have not lived together since babyhood, so are in the early stages of developing their relationship. But. But. But. The constant tattle tailing, the lack of desire to listen to each other, the tears that erupt afterwards drives me NUTS - though I try to always be patient, explain things to them, give them a vocabulary for their feelings etc.
I know there must be much wiser people than I am when it comes to these things. Thoughts? Solutions? Ideas to help keep me sane?
We use “Love and Logic” at the elementary school where I work and it’s very effective when used properly. My daughter has used it with her two year old and it’s working well. You can buy books on Amazon. Give it a try!
Budget: Keep on juggling the numbers around until it balances, cut expenses,or find a way to bring in extra money.
Running in the house: Keep telling them “no”, or if you have the room, give them a certain space where they *can* act a little wild..
Sibling rivalry: Time, & more time. Ths comes from having 4 kids & lots of experience. lol!
You seem to be doing great, it’ll all fall into place. Let God do His work & pray for guidance.. it’ll all work out in the end!
I am no good on the first two. But the third one is something that I’ve had to deal with.
When my boys were young, they used to fight. They need to know how to resolve their differences with each other but they don’t know how yet. The first thing that I made my boys do is say they are sorry for whatever they did wrong to the other boy. They both feel wronged by having to say sorry =). Sometimes one is completely at fault, and you just gotta go by feel. Making kids say sorry when they don’t feel it, did not make other mom’s comfortable. But it felt right to me. I know that when I say I am sorry for my actions, I am more broken and Christ-like, and am able to see someone else’s point of view.
But the next part I am confident about, I taught them negotiation skills and anger management skills. Negotiation skills are important when there is a hotly contested toy (or something). They need to find a way so that they can both enjoy it.Teach them taking turns with a timer, or get them another toy, or show how they can play together with the toy. If it is not a negotiation skill problem then they need to understand why they are mad with the other kid. At their level. Which is hard when they cannot verbalize why they are hurt and angry. And then they need skills to handle the hurt and anger better. Wow. And when you finally teach them all that, you can attend their high school graduation.
I don’t have kids so my memories of my mom’s parenting is all I have to offer! However I distinctly remember her making us stop running, turn around, go back to where we started, and WALK to our destination. It’s annoying and of course you have to be consistent about it, but you seem to understand kids need consistency and firmness.
Another thing my mom did if we were bickering was forbid us from playing together. We had to go to separate areas or rooms. That was clever, because it made us allies in trying to play together. I think that probably also provides some cooling-down time which never hurts!
Good luck, I’m so glad you’re squeezing some blog time back in.
Can you compromise anywhere on your budget? In your resolutions you stated amounts you want to put aside for long-term savings for retirement and other savings – is there any room for leeway in those amounts – even just for a few months rather than the whole year?
I loved the suggestions to revisit your retirement savings, even for just a short time. Also loved the idea of making them stop, walk back to where they began, and re-walk the same area. A suggestion I have to offer on the tattling (which I have personally always abhorred – drives me crazy) is that in our home, in spite of the “good intentions” the tattling sibling seems to have, both the tattler and the tattlee are punished for their misdeeds. It could be a simple 5-minute time-out, or a 15-minute enforced break from each others’ company, but gently driving home the lesson that both actions are unacceptable is key. Tattling can lead to life-long distrust and out-and-out hate between siblings; you are very right to nip it in the bud immediately.
As a word of encouragement, it sounds as though you are doing fabulously thus far. Keep your faith at the center, your love for each strong, and you will not fail.
much love and many prayers from Illinois xxxxx
For budget, I suggest getting a copy of The Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyzyn from your library and implementing some of her strategies. Is there any way you could negotiate a raise at work? I also know you’ve done freelance work in the past — while this wouldn’t be ideal, given that it would cut into your time with your children, is there some type of freelance work you could do where your kids could be there, too? For instance, what if you walked people’s dogs over the weekend? Best of luck!
Let me know if you figure out a solution to #1! I am pretty sure that I will be using my savings to balance my budget and even then I don’t know how it will work itself out.
As far as the other two issues go, I am sure they will improve with time and your consistency. You might just have to hold your breath in the meantime! Although, I do have two tips for giving instructions to children with learning/language issues – (1) always phrase things in the positive (e.g. “We walk inside the house” rather than “no running”) and (2) avoid asking questions as much as possible (e.g. “When you have a problem, you can ______” rather than “what is our rule about ______?). Negatives and question words are super complicated for kids with learning issues and they tend to make things confusing for little ones.
Also, have you read Gordon Neufled’s “Hold on to your Kids”? I think you’d like it.
Hi FT, I second the suggestion of revisiting your retirement savings. While it’s important, I think for the time being that you may have to rethink the amount at least. I know from your past posts that you are very frugal so I’m sure you’ve worked out a realistic budget, but can you skim $5 or $10 from a few categories? Also are you entitled to any government assistance? I don’t know the details here in Oz but there is a parenting payment – just wonder if you have anything similar? Might be worth checking out?
As for the running in the house, I also like the idea from a previous commenter about walking back to where they began, and the positive reinforcement ie “we walk in this house” as opposed to “no running”. I think they are both good ideas.
I think for the sibling rivalry it sounds like it will take time but with your love and guidance, it will come right, it may just take a while!
Judy xx
The obvious quick solution to the 300-500 dollar shortfall in the 2012 budget, is to slightly scale back the savings you wrote about the other day. Perhaps later when you do your taxes you will get back a refund (now that you have dependants) and you can add some of that to your savings. Sorry I can’ t offer you any parental advice.
I love the Tightwad Gazette too!
I don’t have any help on sibling rivalry. My siblings and I had it in spades! My son is an only child.
We start removing priviledges if my son runs in the house. That works. Most especially, he’s very social, and HATES to be put in his room.
Reward the desired behaviour….walking in the house…five times caught walking and there is a reward…praise anytime one is walking…make a huge fuss of walking….the attention on the undesired behaviour increases it…so focus on, praise and reward what you do want.
For the money – no clue, you are extremely good with your money, so I am sure you are doing everything you can. Have you looked into scholarships for the childcare?
For the running – I used to make my kids “stop and drop” when they ran. Meaning they had to immediately stop what they were doing and sit down on the floor until I told them they could get up. That and always yelling out “walking feet please” were my go-to methods.
For the competition – have you tried ignoring it? Also constantly talking about how we don’t compete within our family. No real ideas here, sorry!
Good luck though!
Not sure if I can help with the first two, but hey, I can help with the third. There’s a book “Sibling Rivalry” which I’ve heard is really great. Check it out.
I don’t have children either. All I remember is Mom telling us, “If you have to run, take it outside.” Or, “If your going to fight, take it outside.” Or, “If you can’t keep your voices down, take it outside.” We eventually grew to be civilized little humans.
In general, my budget solution was eat more beans and potatoes. Fortunately, I like beans and potatoes.
You’re already doing 10 times better than I probably would, so I’d say admire your successes and remember what worked and keep doing that. Some things just take time.
brenda from arkansas
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The quality of the food we eat is very important to us, so the balance of good food and low budget is always a challenge. Two of my biggest budget savers are, don’t use tinned beans or buy baked goods. Tinned beans are easy, but so are dried beans, and they are so much cheaper. As a family of six, we can go through a lot of bread and organic, wholemeal bread is not cheap. One trick I use for the sibling bickering happens to go hand in hand with my budget. Most kids love to help with cooking and anything tactile is also really good. Kids of all ages can sort through dried beans and roll out some dough. I know cooking beans and baking bread can be time consuming, but if you take a chunk of time one day a week or perhaps Saturday morning,and get several pots of beans on the stove and make several loaves of bread at the same time you can get a surprising amount of food made in a matter of hours.
I also know how tempting pizzas are as an alternative to making supper, so why not make some pizza dough at the same time and have the kids roll out the crusts and then you can pop them in the freezer as well, ready to pull out, top, and throw in the oven. Cooked beans also freeze exceptionally well! Anytime I can get the kids working together on a project, it helps strengthen the sibling bond as they are working towards an end goal together, not against each other. Plus, even though it is time consuming to do these things, the satisfaction as a family of working together to feed yourselves is completely worth it, and if you are able to make an extra loaf, or some muffins or whatever and give them to someone else as a gift, it makes it even better.
Yay for drinking water! and I also second having the kids go back and rewalk the path they ran. Very good advice as well for using positives and reinforcing the desired behavior as opposed to the undesirable.
As far as the budget goes, I would really recommend trying to leave your savings in place if you can at all figure out how to shave the expenses somewhere else, or make a few extra dollars (love the dog walking idea). Obviously needing to eat etc. is more important than having savings, but, if you can do both that’s super.
On #3, it is important to take their ages and language delays into account. They are not going to want to listen to each much, but you are training them to do it, and as they develop neurologically, they will learn it. I’m sure you emphasize taking turns (Let’s listen to dd, and then you can tell us all about x and we’ll listen to you), and consistency and plenty of love will do the rest in time. As far as tattling, I would explain *once* that you will not listen to tattling unless the sib is in danger or sick. Have them repeat it back to be sure they know what danger and sick are. Then stick to it consistently. Redirect *every* conversation that begins with tattling. Don’t scold, just bring up another subject. If the child won’t leave it alone, turn away or say, “I would like to talk with you about x.” They are looking for attention, and you are showing them how to get it and affirming that what they say is important so they don’t have to trash talk to get you to interact. With consistency, they will gradually learn to interact in a positive spirit. This takes time also, and we all have grumpy days even as adults, but you are providing the most important ingredient, which is heaping piles of love. I am praying for you all.
My mum spent some time in a children’s home and it was under abusive conditions too. That experience marred her, plus her two older sisters into adulthood. When my mum realised she had post traumatic stress disorder, over the age of 50, she sort organisations which speacialised in recovering. Until that point, she just thought everything she was experiencing was “normal”, undesirable, but normal because that was all she knew in her formative years of development.
The point I need to stress is this will be a life long process for your children to learn a new form of normal, outside institutionalised care. I imagine they’re going through the motions of what they have known – dobbing is a form of power in institutionalised care where abuse takes place. Children learn that survival means closing your eyes to the abuse and even siding with the hands of that abuse, because that becomes a form of safety.
I’ve seen what this has done to my aunt, mum and all the family. Everyone seems to be torn between copying the normal they grew up with, and the love they know they should be feeling in a family. It’s one thing to have a loving family, and it’s another to know how to conduct the relationships so that everyone feels safe.
As others have already said, sibling rivalry is quite normal even when abuse isn’t present, but it becomes a different process of recovery when abuse has taken place in formative years. I imagine your two are playing out part of the normal they have known, maybe even expecting you to pick sides because that means safety. They are looking to connect to safety in the only way they know how, in a totally new world which seems to be free of restrictions. Their fights may be a little more aggressive and sinister.
If you are picking sides, I would suggest you change that language, even when one of them is obviously guilty of the greater wrong. You need to teach them from your own authority (the authority God has given you) that your love for each other is greater than your fears. You cannot do that when you are picking sides as it only feeds the fear of falling from your grace. They need to know, mum loves them both equally even when they play their games to bring each other down.
The greatest examples my mum can recall, the points which really reached through the mess she grew up with, were people full of grace. They met her obviously flawed reasoning of herself, with utter compassion for her existence. They looked past her flaws and fed respect. It was those examples which made her capable of giving her own children respect, even though she herself grew up with none.
You need to recognise what your children are doing isn’t just like normal sibling rivalry, it’s about looking for safety in a world they’ve known to date, as having none. You are their first home of hope and if you love them, they are going to fight for your favour the only way they know how, by putting each other down. I’ve literally seen this grow like a cancer in my mother’s family. It’s only those who have reached out to God who have been spared the insanity of believing the only way to be loved, is by putting others down first.
Let me offer you some grace, this is not your problem to fix – it is God’s – many of my family are living proof that he comes through. This is not a battle that can be won by logic alone, it has to be the wisdom of the heart which manifests your actions. When hearts have been abused the only remedy is love through grace, which is the life raft God has offered us all.
What you are seeing in your children is their flesh rebelling because their spiritual nourishment is lacking. Not because you aren’t providing enough, but because others came before you who taught them a lie. As God perseveres with us in the world, we must also persevere with our own children. At times I have been confronted by my daughter’s actions, and I cannot fathom how she can occassionally throw away everything I’ve taught her for a moment of rebellion. When we talk and share however, I often learn she had been misguided by another influence outside my control. It’s always a worldly influence, some other child or adult acted in a way that influenced her.
I don’t blame the world as I believe God wants us to recognise we have a relationship with every living thing, but when an issue arises and a child acts out of character to what their parents have taught, it’s generally time for another lesson in grace and compassion. Both for the parent and for the child. Teach your children to give each other grace, don’t teach them not to fight. Teach your children compassion, not who has the most authority in the house. It’s not going to be easy, you will fall from grace down this path (as I often have) but you get better at recognising the power of God is grace and compassion and always will be, even until death.
Have patience, they will need some time. Give yourself plenty of grace and pray when you feel low. God has a yoke, lighter than what you are presently carrying and that is what your children need to see. They are your family and you will always love them, but love often means sacrifice, but that’s doesn’t mean until death either. The burden will be lifted.
I don’t think there’s any way to get rid of sibling rivalry altogether, but there are some things that can help. For tattling, the grade school here has a social curriculum called Open Circle which teaches the kids to identify Dangerous and Destructive behavior. The kids are taught that they should go for help if they see a “Double D” but that they should attempt to work out lesser problems. You can certainly use that one at home, too. My son occasionally tries to tattle on his older sister. It’s often a sign that he wants to spend time with her, but she’s not receptive. I try to deal with the emotion behind the tattling rather than the tattling itself. For example, “Hmm, that sounds like tattling to me. It can be frustrating when she’s busy and you’d like to spend time with her. Maybe now would be a good time for us to read together/ Perhaps you could build with your blocks right now, etc.” Also, sometimes it helps to give the tattler some perspective on the other kid’s emotions. “You know she was up really late last night, and sometimes when you’re tired it’s nice to have a little alone time.”
Another general technique that may help your kids is to give them words to describe emotions, how their bodies feel, their successes, etc. “Wow, you have a lot of energy (said positively–having energy is a good thing), but it’s dangerous to run in the house. Can you jump ten times instead?”
When looking at a picture they’ve drawn: “Tell me about this picture. It looks like you worked a long time on it.” or “I notice that you used a lot of blue in your picture.”
This is especially important with emotions. Give them the words to talk about their emotions by modeling: “May I have a turn?” “It hurts my feelings when you say I can’t play.”
For some routine things it’s easy to get too wordy, so we have catch words or phrases. For example, “Teeth,” “Teeth time,” and “Teeth before stories.” Serve to remind the kids to brush without a lecture.
Parenting is an adventure in which every time you think you’ve got it figured out, the kids grow and present different challenges! Do remember that you are only human. All we can do is our very best and pray a lot. Your children are blessed to have such a loving mother at last!
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