One of the greatest lessons from my downshifting journey, has been an appreciation that you never really “know” someone’s financial situation; there are people we assume will be “well off” based on their job title, education or family of origin, yet we never know when life circumstances, sometimes by choice, sometimes not, leave someone who we assume has money, without. One of my greatest surprises as a parent is how much school assumes the average family can afford.
My children’s school charges for an enriched (non-optional) gym program and any extras, I suppose like many schools do. So far the extras offered: skiing, skating, gymnastics, dance and a ball based program, have come to a total cost of approximately $750 (approx 450 pounds) per child. Needless to say, my little ones haven’t participated in all those activities (they have done dance and are signed up for the ball skill program in January), though for almost all, they were the only children in the class not to do so. In truth, I would have signed them up for none and only relented with two options so there was something they were involved in with their class. You see, they are already in a much more appropriate dance program {is it just me who would rather her child dance to an Irish gig than Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies with some questionable moves I don’t think children that age should know?!} and I plan to do a family ball based program with them {a far more affordable one} through our local recreation centre. Honestly, I’d rather be there to watch and cheer them on, despite school trying to sell the programming to me by saying “but parents love it, it means they don’t have to find the time to do activities with their children at the weekends”. Oh no, dear School, that will never “sell” me. Added to this, one of my children has a physical special need which means certain movement must be restricted and I’m genuinely not convinced is gently being reminded {the pain only comes after, so it doesn’t stop actions in time}.
The assumptions don’t end there, there was a weekend camping trip, 55 hours at a cost of $500 for two (why on earth 5-8 years olds need 2.5 days away from their family I will never understand!) which I stood my ground on and explained there was no way, with all the transitions and families my children have had, that in these early days it is appropriate for my children to be away {and I even checked in with our adoption social worker who heartedly agreed and gave me the evidence to back up my argument, attachment experts say children who are adopted should not be away for even one night for a minimum of a year}. I explained and was certainly made to feel like a naughty child. I held my ground despite hearing that “I was holding back on giving them essential life skills that will only be taught on this overnight trip with school”. I held my laughter as I wanted to explain “essential life skills” are that Mama loves you and is here for you for always and ever, and that this home is for FOREVER, not another one of the 8 {for my daughter} and 14 {for my son}…
Then there are the requests: by Friday your child must have a red hat, brown sunglasses, black dress pants, a grey shirt, $20 to donate to a present swap, a brand new notebook, a collection of french books yada yada.
All this comes to a grand assumption that this Mama has a spare $2140 lyng around over the last three months. I most certainly do not and even if I did, I can honestly say, I don’t think any of what they “sell” is in my particular children’s best interest.
Here’s the truth, I don’t like the assumption that everyone has money for the extras, not because we personally don’t, but because I think having a lot of extras lying around means that there was a cost somewhere else. How many people will never adopt a child because they think they can’t afford it because their life is so filled with luxury extras? How many children are left 11 hours a day at school each day, while their parents work corporate jobs to pay for extras they will never enjoy with their children because they don’t have time? How many schools/administrators/parents mix up needs and wants and don’t understand the skills we can get simply by playing a game together, or going on a nature walk, or just singing songs. I think, yet again, money makes what could be so simple, become something far more complicated than needed. And for as long as I possibly can, I will shield my children in the best way I know: simplicity, communication about our choices and love, in abundance.
Great post….I had to deal with all the extras with my kids and yes oh yes schools make you feel like a bad parent… I held my ground to..I chose to stay at home with my kids.. I was made fun of but my house was the house where their kids came to because a parent was home..And I talked to them as their parents did not…You keep doing what your doing….
The money part bugs me big time but even more is the assumption that all of that is good for kids. Kids are way too over-scheduled these days. Even if I had that much money (and like you, I don’t), I wouldn’t let my kids sign up for all that stuff. They get one activity at a time…soccer for Violet and riding lessons for Blueberry. Okay, they do have two now since a grandmother at their school started a girl scout troup. However, I’m a firm believer in unstructured time for kids…imaginative play, games, puzzle, etc. And…I’m sure your kids have more life skills than the people planning the camping trip could ever imagine.
I couldn’t agree with you more. Not just for the money assumptions but also for the idea that school providing out of school life for children is so necessary. Why do people have children if they are not willing to love them and spend time with them. The myth of quality time versus quantity has been broken. Children need their parents – not to be part of a state run social experiment. Cherrie
I didn’t know that schools do this, at least I didn’t know they did it to such an extreme. When my children were young, we didn’t face this kind of pressure. I live in a rural, low-income area and there is no way parents here could afford the type of programs you describe.
I love you. That is all.
Just came to your site to comment on this post (I read it in Google Reader) and (I don’t know if everyone sees it but) there is an ad from Vanquis Bank for a credit card with a APR of 39.9% at the bottom of your post! How inappropriate LOL!!!
Anyway my comment was going to be that in my experience, schools are always trying to “sell” you things as being in the best interests of your children when really they are only in the best interests of the school. Learning to stand up to them is an important skill for parents, sadly. I am a Cub Scout leader and I personally think that nights away can be enriching, but would totally respect your decision to hold your children back from it until they were more settled at home. Also we only charge £15 for two nights, slightly more reasonable I think!
Well done for standing your ground!!! You are a sane parent giving your children a “childhood” and “Love”. So lacking in todays world where so many parents leave it up to others.
Keeping it simple has been proven to be more beneficial for children than over scheduling.
Go Mama!!!!
Nothing to add really, but I am applauding this post madly! Well said!
Good for you for standing your ground! Over-scheduling and hypersexualizing children is so harmful, and is something the schools should be discouraging, not urging the parents to sign kids up for. Many of the other parents don’t like it either (though some do), but are too intimidated by the idea of being thought bad parents to stand their ground. In my experience, the best parents (and especially the best parents of children with special needs) are often the most unpopular with school authorities precisely because they advocate for their children’s best interests and won’t back down in the face of bureaucratic mandates. Still, I would encourage you to have a face-to-face chat with the school principal about your concerns. If the school doesn’t get any feedback, it sees no reason to change anything. I continue to pray for you and your children.
Great points Mitty. Thank you so much for your prayers, we really appreciate them.
GOOD FOR YOU! You are my hero. It’s hard to resist the pressure to do things “for your children.” The populations in my son’s elementary, middle and high school have been heavily weighted with very affluent families. While their contributions to the school that kept classes sizes smaller and preserved good programs are great, they also come with “expectations” about what students “need” to participate in. Early on, I resisted the parental peer pressure even when money was not the issue. As a result, my son knew from an early age what he wanted to do and happily opted out of things that he didn’t want to do. Peer pressure just didn’t work on him either.
I think you made a very good point about affluent families changing norms at schools.
Mandatory participation doesn’t mean discrimination against indiividual circumstances. There is a middle ground the school will never educate you know about, and that is your rights. They will mention them only in regards to their duty as a school: ie: we know what’s best and we are respecting your rights to be informed about what your children need. You balance the scales by letting them know you have the right *not* to be discriminated against, because your children have extenuating circumstances the school is not taking into consideration.
Yes, they have a right to inform you about best practice but you also have a right to remind them, they are ignoring your circumstances to the point you feel discriminated against by the school’s guidelines. You won’t hear boo from them again, I can guarantee you.
Schools can be wonderful places for children to learn, but only parents know their children’s needs best. You have a right not to let the educational guidelines discriminate against your personal circumstances. Money is not the issue here, it’s respecting your authority.
Pray about this issue, ask God to help you deal with it. I’ve had issues with my daughter’s school in the past, and it’s only been through his wisdom that I’ve managed to keep her there without feeling discriminated against. We’ve met some wonderful teachers I may have written off, if it weren’t for God’s guidance. The teachers follow what the school dictates, but even they feel like they can’t do more for your children. God’s authority is insurmountable however, he reaches to places you cannot alone. He will reach those teachers your children need, despite the messed up authority the school operates under.
The authority in the school is a shadow, it plays with authority and let’s people down. When you stand with God however, he reaches into the shadow and brings out the light. Don’t look at the shadow, ask for the light because it will be the only way God can help you see.
Great points Chris. I always welcome reminders to pray!
When we were little, school required a binder, notebook paper, pencils, a ruler, eraser, and crayons. As we got older, there were gym uniforms, an occasional field trip (part fun and part educational), and some specialty supplies like fabric and notions for home economics. There were things we just skipped because of the expense: band, pep club, etc. We knew not to even ask about things that would put a financial burden on our family. And guess what – we were NOT scarred for life. In fact, it was good for us to learn about budgeting and setting priorities.
A friend’s son was having so many projects for school, she was easily spending an additional $80 per month, and come to find out most of the school’s projects were being completed by the parents – what a waste.
I’m proud of you for standing up to them. Maybe more parents will join in with your sensible decisions.
brenda from arkansas
Thank you Brenda!
Oh how I agree. The extra $10 here and $20 there and many other unnecessary things make life a misery. So many activities are unnecessary. Good on you for refusing to alter from your very valid point of view.
Yes, unnecessary is a good word!
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You GO, girl! When my grandsons were in grade school, a local entrepreneur arranged to pull onto the grounds with a “bouncy house” once a week. Each kid was supposed to bring $5 for the privelege of playing in it for a class period. The ones who didn’t have $5 sat at the window and were made to feel left out of the fun. I had two grandsons, 11 months apart, that were in the same grade at school, and I just could not afford $10 just for them to bounce around. So I complained. I was the only one who complained.
This happens all the time in public schools. Parents don;t want to spend time with their kids, so they just throw money around. Parents here drop off their teen and pre-teen children at the mall and then drive away, never thinking what can happen to them in this crazy world we live in.
Even though it’s not always safe to go up to a strange house and knock at the door, schools still force children to “sell” things for fundraisers where the biggest winner is the company that provides this over-priced stuff. Who needs to pay for adult salespeople when you can get kids to do it, charge extra for it, and then write off your “contribution” you made to the school? I wrote a check for $100 and gave it to the band instructor rather than allow my grandson to go door to door selling candy. My grandson was then not allowed to go on their field trip and I was told it was because of his grade. Later I found out that the kids who sold candy got points added to their grades for doing so. I hate public school and if I had it to do over again, would homeschool in a heartbeat.
That is just awful, I have no clue how a teacher could do that to a child, though having many friends who are teachers I’m not surprised based on the stories I hear. It sickens me.
Stand strong! I cannot understand that schools ask for that much money and for those activities. Over here after-school-activities are either at no costs for the parents, or children go to private sport clubs etc which often don’t cost the world either. Class trips take place usually once a year for 3-7 nights, depending on age etc, and do not cost that much either…and parents who don’t have the money for that get help from the government because those class trips are considered important and educational, but people can always pull their kids out of it when they’re young or due to special circumstances.
Have a good time with the kids and animals
Thanks Sonja! When I think of the $$ I’m just floored. I pray other parents are not pressured and stand strong too. School made it very challenging for those who didn’t go (2 children) by saying they were not welcome to participate in school for 3 days as a consequence.
That is outrageous!!!!
The school HAS to take them in, sending them away is just – I’ve got no words.
I cannot imagine any life skills that can ONLY be learnt on a trip away with school between the ages of 5 and 8. Of course, this may be because I never went on such a trip so have missed out on whatever those essential skills are, but as I’ve made it to 40 relatively unscathed, I think they can’t be so vital after all.
From what I know of you, I think your children will learn all the essential life skills from you and your example, anyway.
You are so kind. I agree, there are plenty of opportunities for trips away, camping and learning those skills. If you don’t have attachment, you have nothing according to mental heath experts! Thanks for boosting my confidence.
I am dealing with this now too, though not as extreme! My daughter goes to public school, but there are all these little expenses that I didn’t count on…$5/month for afternoon snacks, $1 for a field trip (that she also needed special clothes for – thankfully I could borrow some)…and then there’s all these expectations from the parents’ council – contribute something for a bake sale, buy a raffle ticket for the fundraiser, etc., etc. I wish public schools were adequately funded so that all of this didn’t fall on the parents (or the teachers, who I know are buying some supplies out of their own money).
THIS.
My son is in kindergarten. I am SHOCKED at the cost. Not outright “pay this”, but the fundraiser after fundraiser. And since >50% of the children at our school are on free or reduced lunch, that leaves the other <50% to pick up the rest of the $80,000 they need to raise for the year. That's about 100-150 familes.
I was married and lived in a fancier school district a couple of years ago. This “four star school” wasn’t a great place for my son, they were rules-obsessed and the kids couldn’t even run on the playground for fear of lawsuits. They also had us send in extra money for everything, and it was assumed everyone could easily afford it. They had expensive class parties with too much expensive food and “treats” so often the kids didn’t even think it was special. I could tell some of my friends couldn’t really afford the stuff, but there was enormous pressure to participate.
Fast forward two years, I had to divorce my alcoholic husband and move my kids to a poorer (but still nice and family friendly area). I have to say, my son and I are much happier. The school is laid back and fun, and they hardly ever do fundraising, yet somehow the kids get to do all sorts of cool things. Basketball here is $30 a season, including uniform, and in our old area it was $150. There is also no shame in saying you can’t afford something here, and all the kids wear cheap clothes (because sadly, Walmart is the only clothes store in town, that is a downside), so fashion isn’t a big issue. Overall, a very positive change!
The problem I have with all the fundraising is that many of the things we are asked to fundraise for are not essential, and it never ends. Is there ever a point when a school would say, “we have enough money, no need to fundraise?” No, never. Because you can always invent more needs. A wealthy school will decide they need to upgrade playground equipment, or get an ipad for every class, or hold cupcake parties every month, or SOMETHING. Many schools could learn to live within their means, and I think the kids really could stand to do less “fun” nonsense stuff in school.
Also, if you want to entertain kids, it can be done cheaply. One of my eight year olds favorite games is for me to throw balled up socks at him while he dodges them! For a treat, you could allow free gym time for kids, or an extra recess, or play heads up seven up as a class. You don’t need expensive pizza parties! I have seen them, and it’s just kids sitting in the class quietly eating pizza. It’s not even fun.
I’ve missed reading your blog and am having a nice catch-up day today – and I just wanted to make sure I commented somewhere to say I’m enjoying your content and supporting you – This school is infuriating – NO person who works with children should be allowed to think (or at least not to act on that restricted thought in spite of evidence from studies) that every child is the same and every parent must be the same (busy, not able to play with their children) and has that kind of money; especially when they must KNOW how expensive having children around is, how expensive adoption is, and how the changes at this critical time are to be child-led. Well done you on holding your ground, I’d have been horrified and filed a complaint to the schools head/governor/committee that they are suggesting something that would harm your child’s development/wellbeing. Sorry… didn’t mean to rant. You were in the right and they seem to be very in the wrong. -hugs-
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Good gravy! I had no idea that schools were getting that aggressive. I was opted out of many school things as a child as my safety was paramount, so my parents never allowed me to sleep away or travel with anyone other than themselves. I never knew the difference nor did my parents ever hear a thing about why it was so very necessary to my education that I attend. Times most certainly have changed.
Your judgment is far sounder than the school’s, I can’t believe they would presume that those choices would be superior in your circumstances with your kids, far less that they would pressure you but I’m glad you recognized it and stood firm.