I write and speak about thankfulness often. Each night my children and I fold our hands together and say all the things we are thankful for, it is followed by a sweet little series of God Bless, where they bless everyone from “our one-eyed cat” to the homeless people we pass on the street. But lately, the truth is, I think my own thankfulness has become robotic and superficial, rather than deep and meaningful. It is a strange experience to feel like your greatest dreams have come true, yet with those dreams come a level of exhaustion and a slight feeling of being overwhelmed by how big and how important the task is, both of which can leave you paralyzed and ungrateful. Add to that each day there are many reminders of the horrors my children have lived with, horrors as I explained to my mum, that no parenting book prepares you for. Horrors which are suddenly right at the surface, being told to you as you drive the car, drop off at school or are making dinner. And three weeks in it hit me when I suddenly found myself crying in the car, how much reponsibility I have riding on my own two shoulders and I finally admitted how vulnerable that makes me feel. And for the first time, I find it easy to see why people who have more challenges often become bitter; when you are exhausted and trying to hold your family up on your own two shoulders, it can be hard to listen to friends who complain they are poor, yet they have triple your income, own a home, are renovating their kitchen, just came back from a Cruise, are talking about where to invest this year. It can be hard to hear people complain about laundry, when they have a working washer and dryer in the next room. It can be hard to hear people tell you you should go for a massage because your neck is so stiff you can’t turn it and your shoulder is out, when a massage takes money away from your family’s needs and would require child care. And then suddenly, by admitting just how exhausted I feel and how wrong the direction of my thoughts are, I see light at the end of the tunnel, I remember it is OK to battle, like Paul continually reveals through scripture. And as I pray about it, I begin to see how far I and we have come and remember we are one day closer to life being a bit easier. And how each day gives me a whole new chance to make it right and begin again, this time leaving behind selfish thoughts, bitterness and guilt.
“I’m not what I want to be. I’m not what I should be. I’m not what I one day will be in Heaven. But I thank God I’m not what I once was” John Newton.
I’m OK. We’re OK. And despite being up 5-6x a night, a workload that is scary, a shoulder and neck that leave me yelping in pain, a communal washer/dryer, a feeling of constant sickness simply due to exhaustion, I can now honestly say I’m thankful. I’m thankful it is OK to face an emotional battle, it’s OK to admit you are vulnerable, it’s OK to ask God to help you put one foot in front of the other and it’s OK if for a time, that is all you can do. And with the deepest soul-filled gratitude I’m thankful for my children, my God and the fact my daughters nightmares seem to be over {for tonight} and I can now go back to sleep for another hour or so.
Today I hope no matter what battle you are facing, you allow yourself to admit it.
you leave me with tears in my eyes – you are so strong, and brave, and yes you have taken on a huge responsibility, but somehow I can’t think of a better person for it. All I can from a distance, and not actually knowing you, is wish you the best and hold you in my thoughts. Hang on in there FT, it sounds like you are getting there day by day.
I really don’t know what to say. These first weeks and months are bound to be difficult for you all adjusting to your new circumstances. I hope that you receive practical help from those who are nearby, because exhaustion is really a problem for you.
I can only really add my love and prayers to those sent by other blog friends.
I hope things soon get easier. God bless your family.
Stella xxx
Such an honest post -thank you. I continue to hold you up to God in prayer.
Praying for you always as well! If I were closer I’d come help with the laundry. xoxoxo
You are so strong to take on this responsibility! I look up to you, so when you feel low and discouraged remember there is a whole community praying and pulling for you to lift you up. I would think adopting a newborn albeit rough going at first would be so much simplier than children already able to talk and walk and remember everything that happened to them! So you have big props in my book for doing this! And like Kris said if I lived near ya I’d help with the laundry
Keep trucking on we are all pulling for you!
Advice from an experienced mommy? Continue to admit these things out loud! You are strong when you are weak… b/c you draw from His strength!
Also, take some oil and pray over your children’s room (doors/windows/bed frame) and them (on their forehead). Ask that God bless and guard them and claim the blood of Jesus over their lives (think passover if you are familiar with the OT). I have a great prayer of cancellation I can email you if you are interested.. Make sure you are also binding the spirits of fear and rejection each night.
Big hugs! You are doing a great job!
Kim
http://www.hishandshisfeettoday.blogspot.com
How wonderfully honest you are, and that’s going to be one of your biggest strengths as you work through this time. Your mind and heart amaze me. I am lucky to belong to a church where I could stand up and say exactly what you have written here (if it were true for me), and I would get understanding, at least. Where there are several people to hear, as in some churches, sometimes one of them has a way to help. I hope you have or can find that kind of support.
i agree with all of the others…the honesty is refreshing and inspiring! and all that i want to add to everyone else’s great advice is this: you don’t truly know how strong you are. you don’t know how many hurdles you will leap in your life. you don’t know the true condition of your heart and soul. you aren’t even aware of a fraction of how much you can take.
but i know someone that knows exactly what you are capable of and how much you really can take. he is my Lord. and he created you. and you can stand there and think “this is too much” or “that is too much” but he designed you for a reason. and maybe he designed you to be a back-up singer for Bette Middler. or maybe he has another idea in mind for you. but he never makes mistakes with the bestest of his best. and you are one of his best.
you keep on keepin’ on. He made you with some big shoulders and some big shoes. and he knows that you can fill both.
you are such an inspiration. thank you so much for trying to live up to everything that He has planned for you. oh and just a little tip – this is nothing compared to what He is going to expect of you in about 10-15 years!!!
i understand nothing that you are dealing with right now. but what a beacon of His light that you are. you can do this. i know it without a doubt. because My Lord chose you for this role…and he never makes mistakes.
never forget that you have at least 5, maybe 10, absolute strangers praying for you every night. teehee – we all know that you have so many more. imagine, strangers that you have never met praying for you. we all believe in your strength. and your ability. and i know that you must feel lonely..but just remember that we remember you and your children every night in our prayers.
FT – He never makes mistakes. and only gives the most difficult tasks to the strongest.
you go Girl! you go!
Hang in there. I think it’ll get easier, especially if you are able to get some real sleep. Up five or six times a night is awful on the nerves and energy levels!
It sounds like you are doing the most pressing job right now, which is loving your children, and showing them that they are loved. The rest is just background noise — my kids have slept on towels when the last set of sheets had been urinated on — and you’ll catch up on it all at some point.
Good luck and Well done!
I have returned to make what I hope is a useful practical suggestion, for your sore, stiff neck. I’m sure you know this already but – a hot bath will do wonders. If you don’t have a bath or the time, just standing under a hot shower for a few minutes, massaging the affected area yourself, helps for me. Also, can you take ibuprofen or another non-steroidal anti-inflammatory, three times a day, for 3 or 4 days? (either 400mf or 600mg, taken after food, to protect your stomach). I don’t like taking drugs unnecessarily as much as the next person, but in the past this has made all the difference to me. I went to my doctor complaining of back pain several months after moving furniture, and she said to me, ‘but have you taken painkillers Consistently, not just occasionally?’. I was a sceptic but 3 days later it worked.
If you can’t take ibuprofen for any reason, paracetamol will help with pain although it won’t have anti-inflammatory effect.
I second Maria’s suggestion about taking painkillers three times a day for three to four days. Two or three times that regime helped me a lot and prevented further damage and/or inflammation. Take them after you ate, lots of water. Three to four days will not harm you, will not start an addiction but that consistency is important in battling the pain and inflammation.
I can also recommend heat plaster or hot patches, I don’t know what they’re called in English. Over here you can get them at every pharmacy or drug store. You put them on the hurting area of the back , leave them on for at laest! 4 hours, and they keep everything so warm. It works wonders and relaxes the muscles a great deal. Relatively cheap, no child minder needed, doesn’t take more than three minutes to put on and take off. Seriously, they’re great.
Dear FT, your post is so inspirational, I hope to follow your path someday.
Being honest to oneself is a great gift. You are living the reality you wished for, and it’s bound to be harder than you thought, but also more beautiful.
You seem so lonely with 2 children needing you. I’m praying for you to get the support you need as well. Is there any way your readers can help you?
I haven’t commented for a while as I haven’t known what words of comfort and support to offer. Nothing seemed enough.
I feel for you so deeply over what you are experiencing. Your every feeling and emotion must be so heightened by the wonder of your possible challenge having come true contrasted with the stark and confronting reality of it all. The highs and lows from that alone must be exhausting in themselves.
Feeling overwhelmed no matter what the reason makes life difficult, so be kind to yourself for feeling exhausted, tired, emotional and less thankful some moments. It’s all perfectly normal, natural and human.
Remember to go at your own pace; don’t try to do it all yourself or all at once; reach out to find a local community; and remember that God does not ever give us more than we can cope with.
I pray that the love and prayers of your online friends holds you up and gives you strength. I also pray that Archangel Raphael, the healing angel, takes away your neck and shoulder pain, and the nightmares your daughter is having.
God bless you FT for the light you bring to this world. It shines so very brightly and brings learning, inspiration and comfort to so many of us. Hang in there. Take deep breaths (often!). Be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes. It will get easier.
I often find myself praying, “Lord, please give me strength in humility”, because I often feel weak and incapable of doing everything I need to. Jesus was made strong in his humility before God, and that’s why I pray what I do.
It’s not just okay to admit you can’t always cope, but it’s the first step to being strengthened by hope. I remember the parable about the mustard seed, how small it is compared to any other seed God made – yet when it’s fully grown, it becomes the greatest of all herbs and is even a haven for fowls of the air to shade underneath it.
If God can do this with a single grain of mustard seed – what can he do within the believer?
What they all said
xx
Yes, it is okay to be human, and admitting that we are puts us in right relationship with God. “In my weakness is His strength made perfect.” I certainly have to learn that over and over again. It is also okay to not “feel” gratitude when exhausted (or ill, grieving, etc.). The consistent habit of giving thanks will work on your soul anyway. Sometimes the body just needs to be heard, and it can overwhelm everything else! Don’t add worry about that to your other burdens.
My family has a habit of “Jesus kisses” as my DD calls them. When separating for the day and at bedtime, we make the sign of the cross on each other’s forehead and say, “Jesus bless you” and then give a kiss on the forehead. This family ritual means a lot to us and helps keep us focused on who our best help is. It’s fun to hear about your own sweet ritual with your children. God bless. Things *will* get easier!
Some people who have never struggled with very much, think their struggles are larger than they really are. Sometimes things need to be put into perspective. I never thought I would be thankful my child had a concussion, but after a 15 foot fall onto asphalt and the worry that he had broken his neck or back, a mild concussion sounds good to me.
Everyday should get easier for you. I continue to keep you in my prayers!
Hang in there! Remember that, yes, money solves a lot of problems, but it also creates problems too. Be grateful that your life is more meaningful than being limited to making choices like which color cabinets you want.
For practical advice:
I have to preface this with I’m not a mother, but I was raised by a single mother. Here are a few things I can remember about my mother, who had a pretty hectic job, and made sure we ate homemade most nights. First, she had a few main dishes that we ate again and again. I was a picky eater, so I didn’t mind at all. Our list? Spaghetti with meat sauce, tuna & noodles, Chicken a la King, Chicken cordon blue (sp?), pan fried, not baked), and Beef Stroganoff. Veggies came with all meals, but they were frequently quickly steamed or even microwaved. Yes, the meals were almost all sauces with noodles, which probably wouldn’t work for you unless you can find some great gluten free noodles. The point is, they were well liked by me and my mother, inexpensive, easy to make (less than 20-30 minutes was the rule), and it was easy to stock the cabinets, the grocery list pretty much never changed. Adults like variety, but most kids I know (and I was an au pair for a while) are perfectly content to eat the same thing day after day as long as it’s a favorite.
My mother also developed a strong relationship with other parents at our church. (As a teacher, I second this notion.) The more positive relationships that children have with trustworthy adults, the better the child is able to deal with more situations. My friends and I would go play and our parents would hang out and talk in the near distance. That’s just normal stuff, but I think it was especially wise of my mother to foster relationships with people who shared her values.
Oh, and my favorite hurt back remedy? Tiger Balm…it’s like icy hot, only better. Have a friend at work put it on if you can’t reach, that way you’re not the only smelly person at work.
FT, I appreciate your words. They were something I very much needed to read today. I left my job to home-school my children and to go back to school myself, while my husband is working 2-3 jobs right now and going to school as well. We are doing this while still trying to maintain a household and see each other and the stress is definitely wearing on us. But every night, when I hear the silence at the end of a long, busy day, taking a moment to watch my children peacefully sleeping after a day of learning and play we had together, and giving my husband a big, warm hug that says exactly what we feel without a word- I praise God for those moments…the precious moments that remind us every challenge, every pain, every sorrow He presents us with is meant to help us grow in Him, in mind, body, spirit, and in each other. They are meant to make us appreciate the little time we have on this Earth in the moments that matter, and to stop putting so much value on the moments that don’t. God Bless You and Your Family and may all comfort, courage, strength and love forever find its way into your home.
You are all so lovely and kind. Honesty is very important to me and that has to be reflected here. Life is not in every moment all sunshine and roses, although it sure is joyous and wonderful on a grand scale! I will respond to your lovely comments when I have more time. Thank you so much for your encouragement, prayers and support!
Still thinking of you & your family. Sending prayers & a big hug x
We are all only human….I have always worried about your idealism and loving heart making you not realize enough ahead of time what you were getting into, even while it was not at all clear to me exactly what you were doing, and still is not clear. But your idealism and your faith also make you strong.
However, what you are doing is something wonderful, and you are a strong person. I’ve been reading your blog several years now and it’s clear you are strong and determined.
But remember always how the stewardess on an airplane tells us to put our own oxygen masks on first before helping others. You need to care for yourself enough to be able to care for your children. Hot patches may help your neck, but if there is real inflammation, cold/ice packs may help more. The suggestion for NSAIDs is probably a very good one…..If you can take a few minutes here and there through the day and practice centering prayer it may help with the stress that makes other difficulties.
Keep always in your mind how many people are praying for you! You are surrounded by prayer and love.
FT, do you have somewhere you could put a washer/dryer in your home? I’m just wondering if that’d be practical, if we could start a little fund for anyone who was able to contribute?
Oh yes! If you have a hook-up in the apt. FT, I’d be happy to contribute to a fund to buy you machines.
I haven’t done this in my apartment, though I’ve been tempted: you can buy small “portable” washing machines that use a hose that hooks up to your sink or bathtub. They aren’t cheap, exactly, but cheaper than a full-sized washer.
FT – sending lots of love – you’ve taken on a big job and it’s going to take time to adapt to your new life. If you have a connection with a social worker I would encourage you to talk to them about issues that come up with the children (like past experiences that you hear) – the children may find it helpful to have some counseling to make sense of some of their previous experiences. Also a social worker can support you too! – you don’t want to end up being so traumatised by their stories that it adds to your burden. Also social workers know about community supports which might give you some “free” time to care for yourself, Much hugs xx
FT!! How I wish I could give you a hug.. and help you with some mundane work that takes away your time for yourself and with your kids… Please feel free to send me a note..I can certainly help out.
For the sore stiff neck, I have a suggestion. Instead of a pillow, roll a hand towel and put it right under the neck. and sleep like this for a week. You might see a big difference. Hope it helps.
I have read your blog on and off for a few years, so was so happy for you when I recently returned and heard your wonderful news. You are doing an amazing job! I have a two year old and often feel like you do, but am fortunate to have my husband (and only one child to worry about at the mo!). You are doing such a fantastic job, you have changed two children’s lives and taken them away from whatever nightmares keep coming back. They will fade and those happy memories you are making will fill their dreams. Keep going, what an inspiration,x