Over the last little while I witnessed two couples mention that they are in such a sound financial position because they made good choices; while I do agree to a point that we can certainly make good financial choices and bad ones, I think that we all need to be able to be humble and see life from other people’s experiences, especially financially.
Couple A – both 31, own their own home with no mortgage, two young children, she is now a stay at home mom, they have money saved for retirement, he has excellent benefits from his health care job, they take a vacation every year, own two cars, no debt.
Couple B – both 30, one baby and another on the way, she is a teacher, he works for a friend’s large company (financial sector), they have a house with a good $50K equity in it, own one car, take a vacation each year, have good benefits due to her teaching job, have retirement savings.
Neither of these couples have ever:
- Experienced ill-health which meant they couldn’t work
- Been single post University graduation
- Had a sick child or a child with special needs
- Lost their jobs
- Had a family member need economic help
- Adopted
- Had infertility
- Did any international work overseas on a voluntary basis
- Paid for their own University education
- Lived in areas where rentals were high -they rented a 2 & 3 bed for under $600 a month so they could save towards a house.
Both Of These Couples Had:
- A husband/wife – aka two incomes all during their 20′s
- At least $30K in inheritances from grandparents
- Down-payment for houses provided as part of their wedding presents
- Furniture and appliances provided as part of their wedding presents
- Baby showers which gave them all the big ticket items like cribs, carseats, strollers and highchairs
- Free childcare when they were working mothers (grandparents)
- Free vacations – both grandparents owned cottages or time-shares they enjoyed the use of 2 weeks a year
- Good benefits packages at work, vacation allowance and great working hours
There is nothing wrong with the great choices both of these couples have made, but, to think your success financially in life is always based on your own work ethic, is dangerously misplaced and elitist. I know families where a sick child has made the family have debts of over $100K, where spouses have died with no life insurance, where adoption costs have sky rocketed during an adoption so the $25K they spent years saving for became over $45K which they had to “find” in a matter of weeks.
Life will always be a mix of what we can’t control and what we can control, we always need to be able to appreciate (& admit!) our blessings, understand that for some life isn’t so easy, think about how we can bless others with the blessings we have, keep an attitude of there but for the grace of God go I and remember life can change in an instant…
Whew! Thank you for further detail into how these young couples were able to be debt-free home owners. As a 32 year full-time working mom and part time student, my husband and I have a LONG way to go before we’ll own our home, take an annual vacation or put a decent amount into our 401k. However, we didn’t have inheritances, free child care, down payment assistance nor appliances gifted to us…and while I certainly don’t begrudge these couples (congrats to you!), they are truly an exception to today’s young married couples…at least where I live in CT anyway.
This past week I cut our cable, switched internet providers for a lower rate and downgraded our cell service – all in the hopes of saving money towards our one car payment…our daughter’s preschool is ridiculously expensive, but I refuse to budge there. Mind over matter? Mind over money? Money over matter? UGH! Currently in our household we’re all learning to use the word NEED over WANT. It’s been eye-opening for all of us….myself (a handbag, shoe, clothing junkie) included.
I don’t say this a lot, but AMEN! Sadly there can be a real smug attitude when it comes to wealth and finances. AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! I also really like the bit about how we may have financial means in order to bless others, very true! Thanks again!
I have encountered this a lot with people who take great pride in how their hard work paid off, but they don’t get we don’t all start at the same place! It can be very hard not to feel like a failure but then you know deep down just what you have been through and it helps, kind of.
While I agree that many forces outside of our own control affect our finances, I am confused about one point: how is not living “in areas where rentals were high” not a sound financial choice that is within a person’s control? I can think of certain circumstances (for instance, if you couldn’t afford a car, so you had to live closer to work, in more expensive housing) where you might not have the option to live somewhere cheaper, but isn’t choosing cheap housing just that, a choice? Or maybe I’m missing something?
Happy to explain, what I meant was that the area where they were from, their supports & free childcare was, was in an area where rent was low, so it was an extra blessing. Other people may need to be in more expensive areas where work is, they have no support and childcare costs are 3 or 4x more expensive. I think it is a good financial decision to live, if possible where costs are lower, however many people with children with special needs need to be in more urban/expensive areas closer to major children’s hospitals. They had a choice & blessing, many don’t!
Got it. And the post below makes it even clearer.
I totally agree with you. Being in a sound financial position is part planning & wise choices as well as luck. Including the issue about living in high rental places. I have always had to live in high rental places, am a single person and have had prolonged illness. I had/have to live in high rental places or high cost purchasing places, first because that is how I could work in my field (seriously there were not job in my field or interest outside of where I live except in far provinces) and now due to ill health so I can be near services. I lost a lot of what I was fortunate to gain through my hard work and good choices. I know that not everything one has is because they are so much “smarter” than others.
Oh yes, I want to say too that the commenter above made an excellent point in this statement
“I have encountered this a lot with people who take great pride in how their hard work paid off, but they don’t get we don’t all start at the same place!”
This is absolutely true. I see it in all my friends and acquaintances. So many had oodles of help including one who was recently “bragging” about buying a place she could afford (and pay off) on her pretty good salary. As she told me more, it was evident that her parents and aunt actually paid half of what her house was worth so I think she would be wiser to credit her home to the generosity of her family members, rather than consider her fortune as attributable only to “sound financial planning”. I also know people who have worked extremely hard but just didn’t get any breaks with finding a good job even if they were willing to move. I know others who got all kinds of breaks and come from richer parents and so they are doing much better than other friends.
It sounds like they have been very blessed by God with favorable circumstances and assistance from family. On the surface their lives sound like a storybook… but Jesus can use the difficult trials we go through (including financial) to build character in us and draw us closer to Him as we walk by Faith.
I may not be well off financially….. yet I am oh, so rich!
Now it is my turn to say AMEN!
Excellent statement.
“Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.”
- Barry Switzer
Kay – that is the best quote I’ve heard in ages! Thank you!
Wow, the first time I read your blog and it was perfect for us!
We:
Have a special needs child
High medical bills
parents who did not pay for our college
have been layed off and underemployed for a couple of years now
none of that awesome free grandparent help or childcare I hear about.
We had the savings, we invested for college and bought a house well within our price range. We have cut back, cook from scratch, rent ourselves out for medical studies and yet we are worried about the future. I spend way too much time with people like the two couples you mentioned…and I just realized that may be a change I need to make too. A mental health change.
Karen
Karen, I hope things pick up for you all! (((hugs)))
That’s a great quote Kay! I find myself saying all the time that you can’t take the gifts you were born with for granted. For instance I won the lottery by being born in Canada, by having supportive family, and by having opportunities like attending university.
I guess I see where you were coming from if these people were bragging and something. I guess they must have been, or how would you know all that?
But I don’t see why they don’t have a lot be proud of just because they have had a lot of luck (and a lot of good choices). I think they should be proud of what they have accomplished, even if others haven’t.
Yes sadly it was bragging albeit they didn’t admit to the person they didn’t pay off their morgage it was given. I think the great quote about bases says it best! I guess I struggle to understand why one should be proud they’ve had luck, particularly when they have had such blessings not through anything they’ve done (aka Grandma leaving you a $275,000 house). I generally struggle with pride anyways but to me there’s a lot more “pride” in helping others than simply getting $50K in cash gifts from your $70K wedding mom & dad paid for…and it’s wonderful if you’ve had those blessings, but admit they are blessings, don’t pretend it is something you did. Hope that makes sense? It’s not wrong to have that, but be grown up enough to admit it!
I think it’s great they made some good choices, but in truth, through that “fortune” there’s a lot of focus on self…for example you wouldn’t want to say all that in front of someone who lost their house through no fault of their own and has a very very special needs child in need of a lot of help! Now had they given a struggling family $100 help, maybe that would be something to be proud of
Also, like I said there’s nothing wrong with some of the great choices they made, more that they should admit their financial place isn’t based just on their good choices, but the help they had too!
Seeing it from their viepoint, maybe they are where they are because of their good planning. They may have seen other friends with the same options who didn’t plan soundly and are now in bad straights. Being happy with what we have – not wanting what we can’t is just as important as how many breaks life seems to give us, if not more. Of course, if they are smug about what they have it is just as bad as being self righteous. Cherrie
When I first read this, it sounded to me that you were berating them for “having it so good”. So if they were bragging, then yes I understand how this can grate. However, I have to say that in your list of “Never experieced”, some of it to me sounds like life choices too. There are many people out there who have not done work overseas on a voluntary basis, does that make them bad people? Adoption is also a choice. I’ve been reading your blog for a while and you talk a lot about people feeling “entitled” to things. Then isn’t having a child when you can’t or can’t afford to a sense of entitlement?
OMG FT you have so much patience!!!!! You are awesome!!!!Seriously!!!! I think people read and jump in defensiveness, you said 100x (OK maybe an exaggeration) there wasn’t anything wrong with them but all you were saying is admit that you are lucky especially if someone else who has fallen on a bad situatioin is around!!!! Holy Cow!!!
I hit reply so quick I forgot to say something like I always do!!! I also think that some people pretty much choose only to think about their own little unit (man/wife/2 kids) so are cold to others, seriously they make them not their problem. Other people may choose to adopt because for them a child deserves a family. Polar opposite views!!!! I know which one the world needs, people like you FT!!!! Also I don’t think adoption is entitlement for most people, but for many having kids might be. Love you FT because you stand up for those who are sad, alone, rejected. Also if people read it didn’t bother you, you were sad for the other people who were in bad luck when these people were bragging!!! OKAY OFF MY SOAP BOX!!!!
I agree with the need to keep it real. Admit when a blessing is a blessing and not simply good planning. I mean good planning is great and blessings are great too! I understand fully what you were trying to say FT and I for one, feel the same way. I have worked hard, and I’ve had some good success
I’ve also had many blessings for which I am forever grateful.
Awesome post again FT! I agree with Kathryn, I think people don’t read properly and get their nose out of place because they know they have a lot and care less about others, the old guilt factor coming in. People long to think that richness is because of what you do so they don’t have to feel bad for those with nothing, they can call them lazy, selfish and unwilling to work hard and make something of themselves.
Another issue here I think is the idea that people love to jump into the poor me mentality. I know a lot of people talking about things in ‘this economy’ and how hard things are but actually they are better off than they were, but that isn’t a popular situation to be in.
Like Kathryn said, I love the fact you go out of your way to stand up for those with little or nothing and make us think, really think about it. Sadly some people will forever be of the mind set that those without aren’t my problem or it’s something they’ve done, for the rest of us, you help us grow and learn.
Thanks for all the wonderful comments and reflections! I like that we can think about it from other’s experiences and perspectives!
Well said. Everyone’s circumstances are the result of so many different things, and few of them are actually down to the individual – though anyone left a £60k inheritance could feel proud if they didn’t fritter it away, obviously
Incidentally I know a family who have experienced many of the problems you listed, and only a few of the advantages. He is from the other side of the planet, and had to work as a hospital porter while requalifying as a paramedic when they settled, because his overseas qual wasn’t recognised (despite being in the same language, also a developed country etc). They only have her family close by – but it’s a very supportive, extended family. Just as well, given that she was diagnosed with ovarian and breast cancer soon after their daughter was born with CP. Their biggest “good choice” was to keep up payments on critical illness cover on their mortgage, which paid off most of the remainder. They now live on one salary in relative comfort, with a warm community around them, and occasional trips to the other side of the planet to show off their daughter and beautiful new son (who was conceived with difficulty during a break in treatment, against the advice of doctors, and is 100% healthy).
One of the things I love about my job is that I work with a lower income population and I see many people who are no different from me…they are smart, have a good work ethic, etc. Yet they didn’t have the life breaks I had and so they struggle much more.
Exactly Kerri, exactly! I find the idea that the poor are lazy, just so inhumane, elitist and misplaced. The poor most often work harder than anyone I have met who has made money. Having just been with women who work 14 hour days 6 days a week, who know if their child gets sick with anything (even a minor chest infection) they will lose them, it makes it real…
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My mum was a cleaner and a single parent. I was often teased by children at school who had more than us, for being poor. Strangely enough, the people who influenced us the most however (lifted us out of that perception) was a wealthy couple. He was a millionaire through property development and his wife was a community worker, donating her time to good causes.
We knew them because my mum used to clean their house. After moving interstate many years ago, she doesn’t clean for them any more – but to this day, the wife still sends her birthday cards every year.
It was difficult for my mum to see how much they had sometimes, and she had to wrestle with her own envy that she wasn’t as fortunate in life. She was often privy to discussions while cleaning the home office, about property deals and making squillions. This was not done “to” her, it was just in doing the work she was capable of doing, she saw other people going about their work.
I don’t believe it’s wrong for a person to talk about their life as if it was their work. Some people get more and some people get less – seeing that is hard. Wouldn’t the greater sin be, to do nothing with their gifts at all?
For they didn’t just get a head start – they didn’t squander it.
I’m thinking of the biblical story of the debtor and his three severants. He sent each into the world with money and asked them to reap more. The first servant reaped the most money, the second servant reaped less, but the third servant buried the money for fear of losing it completely.
Now the money doesn’t have to mean financial gain, it could mean labours and charity too. It means doing what you can, with what you’ve been given. What that wealthy couple taught us (like the very first servant) was not to squander the opportunites we had been given – yes, even us.
A person can easily bury their life in shame and reap nothing but lost opportunity, whether they be rich or poor, single or married, disabled or able-bodied.
It doesn’t make it easy when someone shares their good fortunes with those less fortunate. But it can also be a blessing in disguise too. For example, I have a dear friend of mine, moving back to the area soon. At one point we were on the same track – we were both married, both had children (although she had more than me, LOL) and we were both buying property in the same street. If it wasn’t for my dear friend, I wouldn’t be living where I am today.
Several years ago however, it all changed – her husband divorced her, everything they owned was sold and she works exceedingly hard just to keep on top of their bills. She was fortunate to meet another man who wanted an instant family, and he works hard to support them all. Realistically, they won’t be able to enter the property market to buy a house for many, many years. Yet, moving back to the area, she will be forced to see my life – the one we once shared together.
You cannot imagine the guilt I feel mentioning anything about our lives here. I’m terrified of what’s going to come out of my mouth when she visits. In the past I’ve deliberately made excuses – tried to look for what wasn’t working here. Tell her how we’re not enjoying the heat, the debt, all the hard work. Her announcement to move back to the area, has forced me to look at how I’m viewing my life around her.
God has reminded me of the wealthy couple I was exposed to as a child. How they didn’t seem to care about our position in life – in a good or a bad way – but they always treated us like we had more to achieve, if we believed we did. They asked about our lives, and whether we reached that goal we set ourselves. They applauded any step we had made. While it was extremely difficult to share our meagre achievements to millionaires – and I mean it was extremely intimidating, especially if we gave up several times in the process – it also made us think in a different way than we were used to.
If those wealthy people weren’t bold with their work and their gifts with us, what example was there to follow but pity for our circumstances?
I have decided to be bold with my friend about our life in future, like I used to be when we were on the same path. My fear was that I would hurt her – appear to be bragging in the face of her misfortune. But God has made me realise that lying about my life, brings no blessing to her either. I cannot bury what God has given me to reap.
My apologies for a very long reply. I don’t say these things to put anyone down, especially you FT. You’re a great giver of time and advice for people you haven’t even met – not to mention the ones you have met.
I hope my thoughts can add to the discussion, rather than putting anyone down.
Chris I think that’s a great story and a great reminder!
I don’t think we shouldn’t hear about other’s blessings or richness, and yes it can be a good thing, it’s more to do with being real about why you have them particularly if a person is saying it is through the fact they are a hard worker when someone who works as hard, or harder, is homeless or in $100K debt becuase of a sick child. It isn’t the fact the have, it’s the lack of honesty or judgement towards others without as if it is because they didn’t work hard enough. You could be the richest person in the world and not judge the poor, I think it is more to do with pretending it’s something you’ve done and looking down at those who haven’t had so much “luck”. Great reminder! 
I’ve just been inspired to share that omitting blessings can be an attempt to spare others feelings too – like how I felt with my friend, until recently. I felt like her blessings had been taken away, where mine had continued to plod along on the same path.
God corrected me by remembering the fable of the debtor, who reaped where he did not sew, and sowed where he did not reap. He expected an effort from his servants for the gift he had invested to them.
So I guess what I’m saying is, I understand where people choose to omit blessings and concentrate on the effort. It can come from the desire not to hurt others – to appear as if they have been blessed where others are experiencing misfortune.
By concentrating on efforts, they help others believe they shouldn’t give up either. Certainly the impression I received from the wealthy couple I mentioned earlier, was that effort was everything, not where you were in life. It was what you dreamed about, what you were passionate for and how you pursued that in your circumstances. We experienced those reminders in some of the lowest times of our lives.
I realise I’m sharing all this, without knowing the exact details of your conversations with the couples you experienced, so please forgive me if I’m covering ground which may not relate. I don’t want to lift-up efforts of deliberate antagonism towards others with bigger trials on their hands. It’s easy though, to get the wrong impression – if that indeed is the case.
I respect your judgement FT, and I’ve enjoyed the discussion. It’s what I needed to work through myself too.
I think it’s a great point Chris! And very true, to someone without you wouldn’t want to say we just got given $75K lol but it’s one of those things where tone, how things are said and context makes a lot of difference, the lack of offer of help and a lack of humbleness to see it from another families view/suffering. I think people simply close themselves off to poverty and it is very sad…
So glad you are blogging again
Like I said before you have a lot of patience!!! You never said wealth was bad or it wasn’t O.K. that they were given the house & money, but the pretense and lack of sensitivity to those who have nothing is what needs to change!!
I keep coming back here and re-reading. This post encourages me so much!!
We are well-off by most people’s standards, and yes I think we have made some good choices – then 18 mths ago I got made redundant as part of my company’s response to the recession. We thought we were doing it hard – job hunting, cutting back,worried about losing house etc. Then couple of months into this my son was diagnosed with cancer and the job thing seemed frivolous in comparison. Even in that, I met many people in the Oncology wards doing it tougher than us. We were able to care for our son, he recovered and he is off on world travels next week. It has truly changed my life and my priorities.
Flossie I’m so sorry your son was so ill, that must have been such a scary time. Yes, some people with a family member with cancer have had horrific experiences as a result – I remember reading about a woman in the US whose breast cancer made them lose the house, they were living in a tent while she had chemo. It makes me cry thinking about it!
I am so glad your son is all better!
I’m glad he made a recovery too and is jumping into life again.