Lately I’ve felt like I have a mountain to climb. I needed to get a job, in order to rent a small flat in the area I hope to purchase the small holding. I need to rent somewhere to find the time to look around and save. I need to save to buy the property & land [and when I say property, let me be clear, it will probably be two rooms and maybe an indoor bathroom ;0)]. I need to own the home in order to create a family…and well, the list goes on. In between all that, there were applications, each of which involve writing an essay. On top of that I help a family member in a voluntary capacity, who needs a lot of daily support. Plus there is a very needy friend, who I’m trying very very hard to help practically, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get it together enough to visit/help/support as much as needed and I, in many ways, feel like I’m failing to be the right person in this role. There were visitors for three weeks, which I’m still trying to recover financially from, car woes, flu, colds, eczema and then the normal everyday stuff which just seems all together too time consuming. And then I got the job and instead of feeling relief, somehow I felt ready to crash and burn.
Taking a path that is different to most, is not easy. Being sure 24/7 of what you are doing and why you are doing it, is never possible. Add to that being too busy, worrying about money and not spending enough time giving thanks, giving praise and seeking peace, well, for me, it’s a recipe for disaster. Yesterday I began questioning every choice I was making, not relying on what I know the plan is, and instead trying, as a lowly, imperfect, sometimes incredibly selfish human who wants things to be easier & quicker than they are, to come up with a different plan. I was making myself miserable!
I’m blessed that I sent off three emails before throwing myself into bed last night, one to Michelle, another to Fitzy and the final one to my friend who recently moved home to Australia. Michelle and Fitzy both reassured me I haven’t made these decisions without a great deal of prayer, thought and consideration and that it is obvious the plan is working [I did get the job afterall!] and what happens now will open the doors for the things which await. Oh how wonderful to be reminded! Why is it we so often forget? The reality is we need foundation, we need the right tools in order to get the job done! My friend in Australia, whose given up a career and has gone back to school at age 28 said this:
“Why oh why is it so hard??? I must admit part of me is envious of people who just seem to ‘know’ that the job/relationship/town/city where they are is the right one for them. But I think I’d still rather be the way I am and the way you are too…..in a constant state of ‘not knowing”
And it hit me. This isn’t hard, in many ways it’s the privilege which comes from being honest with who you are and to having to rely on God for everything, yes everything! I occasionally hear from a childhood friend whose emails are packed with information about the marble tiles they’ve chosen [3 paragraphs filled with information!] and how they’ll never go on a vacation as they’d rather buy new furniture every year and how her shoe collection alone would buy them a two week cruise. She will share that she doesn’t understand why I’d give up time for free to volunteer because I could work that evening each week and get money instead, she showed disgust when I said I was trying ever so hard to get the funds together to go to China to help a unique project which will basically set up a program to care for dying children. But why would you pay your own money to go help people, I think was the reply. In all honesty, we are in different worlds and that is OK. I think, what I’d forgotten is that people who’ve chosen a different path to me may have more stability, they may, to some people, seem more “together”, a nice house on an estate, working 9-5, with no desire to do anything different. That is okay for them, but it isn’t for me. It isn’t that I’m better it’s more that I hear a calling, I feel a need to act. That which is the desire of my heart is not easy, in fact, may I be honest and say it is very very difficult. Will there probably be many days over the next few weeks, months, and even years where I wish I was the type of person who could send emails about marble flooring? Maybe [of course it would have to be ethically sourced ;0)]. But I know it isn’t God’s plan for me.
I’m laying my foundation. One step at a time, with God and His grace towards me, hopefully forgiving me for my selfish times where I want to throw in the towel, and instead leading me somewhere all together more amazing than I could ever imagine or accomplish myself.
And practically, when one is really struggling. I suggest giving yourself a couple of hours off to hike and be with wild ponies. Several of them may run away from other hikers and instead walk towards you, they may even give you a cuddle. And you may just feel at peace, and remember to thank God for these small precious moments of calm during the storm, and the reminder that every storm has an ending.
These wild ponies are so interesting to me. I had no idea there were any in England…..
And yes, it can be difficult to keep your equanimity at times of rapid change and what feels like lack of stability. I think it is good to spend about 15 minutes in quiet centering meditation every morning, to calm oneself, to count ones blessings, to ask for wisdom. Because, for me, even at the age of 65, it seems as though I need to relearn some very basic ideas every morning! I am a little surprised reading about your very materialistic friends that they are so much as they are. There is a lot of suffering in the world, and it is a basic human response, I think, to feel compassion and want to help. You may be feeling more compassion and wanting to help more, but that your friends seem ONLY to think of what they can acquire surprises me. Honestly, it does.
Also, you may need to chose one or two of your goals to pursue intensely at the moment, and put others on the back burner so you don’t get overwhelmed. But how wonderful that you have gotten the job that will help you begin to work toward these things more.
And remember to have compassion and love for yourself, if you want to be able to help anyone else.
Wonderful words of advice thicket, thank you!
i think you know where to lay up your treasures. . .
someplace where they won’t get moldy
I had a basement flooding incident and some of my stuff is in need of tossing out. I don’t wish it on your shoe-owning friend but it really puts things in perspective.
lol so true GC! The verse about treasures in heaven is a good one, one of my favourites!
Such a wonderful HONEST post, FT, thankyou so much for sharing.
It can be so hard to “know” taht you’re doing the right thing – I think I am predestined to always be second-guessing myself (are you the same?) wondering if I’ve made the right decision, or if there’s something out there that I should be doing rather than what I am…and it’s so SO hard when everybody else seems so “together”…I never feel that way! Haha!
But then that’s life, it’s crazy and hard and walking the path that’s yours is always going to be different from everybody else’s becuase *you’re* different from everbody else.
I guess we keep putting one foot in front of the other, and remember what we’re aiming for. Goals, micro-goals and vision boards really help me (although I am a fan of lists, lists and more lists, so maybe that’s why
I hope you start feeling some peace about it all and remember to enjoy the journey! You will get to where you want to be eventually, and in teh meantime, let’s have as much fun as we possibly can.
I am so excited for you moving, starting afresh, new job, new area…it’s going to be great!! xxx
One thing I’ve always promised myself is that I would be honest. That may at times be met with criticism or people may not understand, but I know it not only helps me but helps others.
I’m excited too, and a tad scared!! ;0)
Matthew 6:19
AMEN to it! One of my favourites!!!
I am finally getting to the point in my life where I want to be right in God’s will, regardless of what the world is concerned about. I fear not submitting to God because I am too busy planning my own agenda. The world is concerned about many things, but once you know God your direction changes. I appreciate the bigger perspective God’s love has given you, and I know God wants to give us strength and joy in the journey!
That He does, as we can then accomplish His work!
Dear FT – I am so thankful for you and your honesty! Sometimes, it is far easier to go with the flow than to stay the course. Jesus talks about the right path being narrow and challenging. I am learning a lot about patience in the journey – realizing that you can only do what you can do today, and not trying to accomplish it all at once, but continually working towards your vision. Another thing to be aware of is that sometimes some things will come along that may actually change the vision partially. For instance, I feel called to become a life coach, and my intent was to focus on single women, since that is what I have been all my life (I’m 51 now). Then, when I was quite happy with my life and the direction, God brought a man into my life, and there is a possibility that I won’t always be a single woman, and that I might end up working with couples alongside my husband. What a surprise! Be open to God’s surprises, while being true to what He has revealed to you along the way. What a journey you will have!
What a lovely comment, thank you Carol. It is a blessed journey but certainly a narrow one!
Fabulous post, yet again!! I agree with the comments about your honesty. I think most people are fakers, they fake caring or fake happiness or fake having everything figured out. You never seem to do this, your emotions are what they are and while you seem to move past them quickly through prayer and seeing how fortunate you are, you just seem to always be real. I am so thankful I found your blog!!
I often wonder if being honest seems too scary for some? I’m thankful you found my blog too!
My goodness I would rather be you than only have marble tiles to talk about! When God calls us to follow his path, nothing is ever the same again, there is no turning back and I truly thank God for that! Trust in his plan! xxx
Well that’s a nice compliment! Thank you!
Wonderful FT. I think many of us trying to move against the norms of society or what our parents and family think are the right thing to do struggle. We all need some support, acceptance and well confirmation of our path. As a single this is often what I lack.
Thank you.
I often think what many of us are doing is threatening to some, not because it would be the right path for them but because they never took the time to think about their path!
I don’t think us humans can always have perfect perspective and remember to take the long term view of things! Sometimes you just have to keep your head down, ride out the storm and accept that what you are doing is good enough for now. As for other people, I think you are quite right. They must do what is right for them and you know best what is right for you. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of getting everything in place to get what is important to you.
Great words Alley re keeping your head down!
You know what? No matter how difficult or confusing it all seems, I think just the fact that you are sometimes doubting or stepping back to reevaluate your decisions is a good thing. It’s like stopping and checking with a map in order to confirm that you are heading in the right direction.
Keep doing what you’re doing, hon!
Thanks Lucid! I agree, looking at all the factors and choices makes for certainty!
Congratulations in getting the job! All change is scary and it is hard to know what to do sometimes.
Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams!
Thanks Earthmother!
I say these words in the greatest of respect and I hope they don’t make you feel bad. I’ve been reading your posts for awhile and I think you are a lovely, loving, generous and kind, human being. Someone I would love to meet some day. You give me hope that there are true and kind souls in this sometimes cruel world. When I read your posts though I also get a sense of great striving and “doing”, more than resting. My concern is you will burn out as you are so active, even on your “down” or “rest” days. I do hope you can pull back a bit, especially now you are on your way towards fulfilling your goals with the first step of a paying job again. It took me a long, long time to learn that it is ok sometimes to just do “nothing” and simply “be” and in that being to rest in God and recharge yourself. I find that doing and always thinking and doing/acting is something our western civilization teaches us, but there is simplicity and peace in sometimes letting this pattern go. I hope you find merit in this over time. I’m so glad you got your job and that will help a lot to rest your mind. God bless. xx
Joyful, no that’s fine always good to be reminded! I feel I do a lot of nothing, particularly at the weekends ;0)
I think, when you care, you do find ways to help that often mean life is busy, but I also have huge boundaries, simple weekends are a part of that, but also reducing phone time, relaxing with a good book etc.
Thanks for the reminder!
I am so excited for what your future holds! I do believe you are on the right path!
That means so much to me, thank you!
It seems to me that some people just cannot see beyond their own desires whatever they may be (like marble tiles!), I guess you just have to do your own thing and accept that you can’t change some people.
Our office staff recently asked for Casual Day every other Friday and as the manager of the area I’ve said that yes but you have to pay $5 to wear casual clothes (instead of uniform) and we’ll donate that money to a charity of your choice each month (taking turns for the choice of charity). Everyone fully supports the idea but would never in a million years have thought of it themselves! One of the girls actually said to me that she thought it was a good idea as she doesn’t donate to charity otherwise. I couldn’t imagine not donating (on a regular basis) to a number of charities but I guess some people don’t think they can afford it (but they can afford cigarettes or alcohol or magazines or whatever they want to spend their money on) whereas it’s more important for me to help out other people who need help.
Again I guess you just have to do what is right for you and accept that others see it differently!
I too can not fathom not giving Judy, I don’t think it would ever occur to me not to. That’s brilliant about your office! AMEN re your last statement!
I hate to think what our world would be like if it weren’t for people who felt the need to act ….
Wishing you all the best on your new path but don’t forget to look after yourself x
me too!!!
I’m glad to hear you do have boundaries and feel you are getting your rest.
That I do!
Plus there is a very needy friend, who I’m trying very very hard to help practically, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get it together enough to visit/help/support as much as needed and I, in many ways, feel like I’m failing to be the right person in this role.
I can really identify with this. It is hard for me to realize that I can be *an* answer, but I don’t have to be *the* answer. I guess it hurts my pride. A wise friend used to say, “Fortunately, I don’t have to save the world; Jesus Christ already has.” If only I could remember that more often!
Oooh Mitty, good point, thank you!!!
I think it’s very natural to have these little bumps and start to question yourself, particularly at times of change.
You have such great conviction in everything you do, so I’m sure that wherever the path finally leads you will be a happy place.
And please don’t blog about marble floor tiles (unless of course they are ethically sourced, from a kind freecycler and being laid on the floor of your dream smallholding) – it’s more than I could bear!