I have a confession to make. This girl you all think is always grateful, always counting her blessings, always thankful -well I fail miserably at times. To be clear, and in the spirit of honesty, I admit that I failed miserably yesterday, yes on Thankful Tuesday no less. Ironic?
Over the last year, it feels like I’ve had one door close after another. Whether it be financially, work (the dream job I went for, unemployment), marriage, having a family plans, fertility woes, home ownership plans, health, etc etc etc. I won’t put you to sleep with the details, but it feels like it has been a season of not just doors closing, but doors slamming.
Yesterday’s post about expanding families was perhaps behind the slight emotional meltdown, my poor friend bore the brunt of it and she was gracious enough to send a cheery reply, point out some home truths and forgive my selfishness, for which I am truly grateful. [I am forgiven, yes? I do hope so!] And then it hit me, I think what is hardest is feeling like each day I’m not any closer to where I want to be (job wise, life wise etc). Yes that is it! Major revelation here!! So what can I do? I can’t force a job to appear out of thin air. Believe me I have tried, too often to admit. Sshh! The same tactic doesn’t work when it comes to purchasing a home or building a family through adoption (the adoption costs for UK families to adopt overseas just make my head spin - I won’t go off on a tangent about how we don’t have adoption tax credits or grants for overseas adoption that is for another day. Maybe!), or fertility, or savings, or marriage. Yes, I’ve tried the hugging method too, sadly that isn’t working either. [Perhaps my hugs are broken?] But here’s the thing - it may not feel like I’m one day closer to all these things, it may in fact feel like I’m 19 days further away (yes, 19 to. be. exact.) but the thing is, even if I don’t feel the time is closer, time wise it is. A brilliant revelation I tell you.
So here I am, not in the greatest place as of late, yet 1 day closer to some pretty amazing life events – heck a job would be nice. Then I’ll be another day closer, followed by another. Pretty darn good when you think about it. And in the meantime, I’ll become very used to the sound of doors closing, even though I don’t much like noise 
My name is Frank, what’s yours?
[Edited to add: Just read James McAvoy and wife are now expecting. Very happy for them, but you know there goes another dream crashing down. I think James McAvoy and I would have made very adorable babies ]
What I really find refreshing about you is your ability to have faith and humor to cope with what life throws at you. It is very rare and very wonderful.
I hope that doors begin to open shortly and I look forward to reading all about what lies ahead.
Thank you for your kind words M. It is interesting that you mention faith and humor as I remember before I became a Christian thinking I wasn’t suitible as I liked to laugh
First time commenter here, this post brought me out of lurking. I just wanted to say thank you. Your blog is inspirational to me, you cope with so much and while you try to bring out the positive constantly you are also not above admitting your mistakes.
So many of us struggle with love, marriage, fertility, finances and yet we either pretend all is alright or we chase after more without examining what the most important aspects of our life are. I think for many of us if we stopped chasing money we would see the holes in our relationships and ourselves so we push, push, push until we get what we want. You don’t do that, you seem to admit where you are, stop and reflect and then make changes. Inspirational.
Thank you for this wonderful blog, I don’t say it enough but I truly mean it.
Elizabeth, what a lovely comment, thank you! Yes, you are right so many of us do struggle. I think we each cope in a different way and some might want a daily rant while others wait until they find the right words or moment or pause. I used to be the former, but am now more the latter!
Thank you again!
Hi Frank!
Good to hear from you. Be reassured by Jer 29.11!
On a different note, how are you dealing with your eczema? Mine is really bad (for me) right now and I have no clue what to do as this is all new to me. Could you send me some handy hints??
Thank you & God bless xx
Carolyn
Thank you for the reminder of Jer 29:11!
My eczema is a loosing battle however water, rest, sunshine and an amazing cream (which I can’t remember the name of and I’m out of) really help! Let me know if you want the name of it!
Try to live in the moment -not in the future. Life is what happens to us now no matter what plans we are making.
Enjoy the season of waiting -God is still active.
“Enjoy the season of waiting -God is still active” – I love this, thank you!
Oh I love it, your spirit and writing style always brings me such joy! Sorry, hope that comes out right
I keep saying this, but I think 2010 is going to be an amazing year for you. Often we have to start again to build solid!
Frank, it was nice to meet you
It came out perfectly, thanks Kathryn!
like an earlier comment, this post brought me out of the lurking of your wonderful blog. thanks for your honesty. Eighteen friends or family have announced pregnancies or babies in the last year and it’s hard to hear when having a not easy time conceiving. Bless you for your honesty and heartfelt seeking. Too often this isn’t spoken about and it would make the struggle easier if it wasn’t so taboo. thanks again.
Thank you Ellen. You are right these subjects are almost always taboo, or when you say something people tell you to pull your socks up, etc. The truth is our heart deserves our honesty and time to collect. Thank you for your lovely comment!
What I believe is that God has his plans, and no matter how much we try and struggle, if it’s not in his plan, it ain’t gonna happen. However, if it is what he intends, it will happen without you even trying to.
Follow the path of least resistance, and you will find what’s right for you. Maybe not what you want, but what is intended for you.
oh and a GREAT HUGE HUGS!!
Thanks Compact! I too believe God always has a plan, more perfect than we could imagine
I don’t know about adoption from overseas but I do have some knowledge of adoption in the UK and it doesn’t cost anything to apply to your local social services dept to be considered for adoption.
Also, if successful, you do get grants for essential items – pushchairs, cots etc – plus adoption leave (up to a year) from a job. There are many many children in the UK who need a loving home and it is definitely possible to be matched with a wonderful child who would benefit from a stable and loving home environment.
Sorry you’re feeling so down at the moment. Personally, I think this relentless, miserable, cold winter weather has an awful lot to answer for.
Thanks again Elizabeth!! Info stored away
I admire your honesty.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for our souls is allow ourselves to feel pain, to feel sad, to envy, etc. It is most powerful when we can recognize these feelings in ourselves and truly reflect on why we feel this way. It is how we grow as humans.
Blessings to you. Good things are just around the corner. I can feel it!
Melanie those are *very* wise words, thank you!
I too am a first time commenter I think, maybe I left one a while ago but that’s beside the point.
I agree with the posters above, your honesty is refreshing and I feel, when you share your pain, that we can truly feel your soul speaking, it is a rare thing. Many speak in great lengths about their difficult moments, for them I suppose it brings comfort to share their full story, or blog every second of their journey yet for others the pain is just as real (like yours) when they say little and yet occasionally let their readers see a true window into their heart.
I don’t read many blogs now, but I do really enjoy yours. I hope you never stop blogging and never stop sharing your heart and soul. Life is just full of great surprises when you least expect them!
Blessings to you!
Debs, thank you what a lovely compliment!
I hope things turn around for you soon! Your blog is inspiring and I enjoy reading it very much.
Thanks Tracy!
It is okay to feel frustrated. Remember that
Good things are ahead of you, I am certain. Those doors will open.
And as with all these other commenters…your blog is truly inspiring. Don’t lose sight of what you are achieving here, every day.
I’m glad you are certain Anna
And thanks for the reminder!!
We all have moments when everything seems to be falling down around our ears. It’s perfectly understandable to get down, and this weather doesn’t help I fear. It’s important to remember what is truly important to you, and to live the part of your dreams that you can, at the moment. You may not have a family of your own, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a role model/ mentor to someone who needs somebody. You may not have your dream home and job, but you can still take a walk outside and enjoy the beauty of what God has given to us. Even though not everything is in place yet, the way it will be in the future, there are elements of those dreams that you have now and can do now, if you can just keep focused on what makes up your dreams.
Thank you so much Jennifer, what a lovely lovely comment!
thankyou for being so honest!
i think we all struggle with frustration and feeling “stuck” – it’s human to want to progress…
hope you’re feelinga bit happier! xx
You are so right, it is very human to want to move on!
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Well personally FT, I think you can hardly call it failing miserably when you end up putting such a positive spin on the situation ie one day closer to what you are dreaming of
I admire your honesty and it’s nice to know you are human too! Of course I always knew you were!
Cheers and keep the faith
Judy
Oooh Judy, thanks for pointing that out. I will be keeping the faith
I am sorry that you are having struggles. It is okay to be upset and express it. I look forward to reading about what might be right around the next corner.
Blessings
Diane
Thanks Diane!
Love the intense blue on the doors!
Also, sometimes I feel as though nothing happens all at once, and then suddenly everything happens at once. So, in the empty time, so to speak, I take stock of things and revel in the peace and *quiet* and then prepare for what might happen.
Random question: Have you ever heard of or read the book ‘The Yeast Connection’ ?
I too love that door. If you’re ever in England I’ll tell you where to find it.
No I haven’t heard of that book.
hey lady – its better to be honest. Sometimes being positive is hard and sometimes you can’t manage it. But if you were always able to be positive, sometimes it would be glossing over and not being honest and I think its better to admit to where you are, it does,somehow help it pass quicker.
But I seriously do hope you get something you want very very soon. Too much door slamming. C’mon doors! Give the lady a chance!
Thanks Mo!!
Really hope you are feeling better!
Thanks Kathryn, much improved