Yesterday I had the chance to catch up with old friends. It was a wonderful visit and I was keen to see them after they had shared some significant financial challenges with me. Due to the nature of their work, business is slow in this economy, they own several rental properties that they were not able to sell to raise funds and they recently admitted they had taken a loan from family in order to coast for a month or two. Well how surprised was I, to find they had just purchased a brand new BMW and were purchasing a new home…and no they hadn’t sold their other homes!!
I never quite know what to say in these situations. What I want to do is not quite acceptable in polite society 
Recently one of my readers emailed me and mentioned that she was really struggling to get a colleague to understand that you can’t keep spending, especially when you don’t have the funds to pay for it. I could empathize completely because I have several friends I worry about and it certainly looks like they potentially are not that far from loosing it all and yet their eyes are closed to the situation they are in.
This brings me to contemplate just why it is so accepted that people get into debt to have the so-called finer things in life but it also makes me see how much harder it is for those of us who want a simple life, who are committed to living on less, because what society views as normal is not our normal. I for one am glad!
I can’t change my friends, that is a reality. I can however discuss my own financial choices, be a good example, pray for them, encourage activities that don’t cost money, talk about giving etc, but like the old saying states “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”.
Do you have friends and family who make very poor financial choices? How do you cope with it
My new post is up at the Co-op!
We know several people who just keep making horrible financial decisions. It makes it worse that if they would just save the money they are making, they would be set financially down the road when they will be taking other responsibilities on, family etc. There’s not much you can do, except encourage good choices etc. I’ve heard so many times that a big part of the problem is that young people now who are just starting out want what it took their grandparents decades to get. Our grandparents didn’t start out with fully stocked huge houses, cars etc. They worked hard, saved hard and eventually got everything they needed.
Yes, I’ve had this problem with friends. I’ve stopped trying to get through to them because they never want to see how their actions contribute to the problem. I had a friend who came to me one time because she was dating this guy who she had loaned thousands of dollars to and she couldn’t pay her bills. When I mentioned that maybe she needed to cut back on eating out and going to the movies, her reply was “well, I work!”.
Since the economy has taken such a downturn, I’ve heard a lot of people say “we did everything right”. That phrase really struck a chord with me. It always make me wish I could really look at what they did. I’m sure a lot of it was out of their control but I always wonder…
My immediate family makes very wise financial choices – I learned what I know from my parents, although I think I take it a bit further than they do. But, I do still see this more than I’d like in other people who are close to me. A good friend who knows her husband is going to lose his job in two months just bought a new car and is looking for a second. My boyfriend’s sister is in debt, moved back home with their mother, borrows money for gas and car payments, and spends her employment insurance on cable TV, new cell phones, tattoos, and evenings out drinking while generally being crabby and ungrateful. I don’t know which drives me crazier – her habits, the fact that she’s largely enabled by family, or the fact that she’s in her 30s and so helpless that I can’t imagine her not showing up on our doorstep when there’s no one else to take care of her.
How do I cope? I try not to judge and remind myself that it’s their life and their choices, not mine. I try to use my lifestyle as an example, but lightly – I’m much more likely to talk about my savings account or cooking at home or shopping in thrift stores in passing than to talk to the point where someone might feel like I’m pushing them. I don’t know if it has much of an effect, but it makes me feel a bit better at least, and it seems that a few people are picking up on bits here and there, at least.
In some cases, I also find it necessary to distance myself a bit. I find sometimes that people don’t want advice so much as they want me to listen to their problems and then lend or give them money rather than helping to fix whatever’s not working (I think my approach, while not really all that extreme, is pretty extreme for some people). I also find that people who spend like that expect others around them to do the same. So, a bit of distance helps with keeping people from expecting money and from dragging me into their spending habits.
I hear/see it all the time. Especially during the holidays. Many talk about money, but spend what they don’t have because of the guilt society pushes on you if you don’t buy that perfect gift for the one you love. *sigh*
That’s just what I do, shake my head and *sigh*.
Oh, I’ve preached my living frugal and hope to persuade, but they will only listen when they are ready.
The good thing is that there is — and can be — hope that these irresponsible people will change their ways. Daughter #1, who has made crappy choices for years, has shown a real change for the better in the past year. She buys her clothes now at Saver’s (a local thrift shop) versus the ones she had previously insisted on at Gap and Old Navy. She’s been extra careful about food, and budgets everything out. This is the same kid who blew a year of college; apparently because she wasn’t paying for it (we were), it didn’t mean much. We had told her we could only afford to fund one year of college, but it didn’t sink in that we really meant it until after Year #1 (and her refusal to show us her grades, etc.), we said — no more. She did another year of college (sort of), getting loans — now, after a year off, she is finally saying “I don’t want to be a waitress for the rest of my life,” and is making serious plans.
That’s why I have hope. There is always hope.
I like people to know how I life my frugal life but I don’t make a big thing of it. My best friend is totally opposite to me, I have retired, she is working on because she enjoys spending money. But she is so stressed out, overweight, eats loads of junk food, and I worry about her health. She can’t see that there are more important things to life than spending money.
yes! i’ve had this problem – esp with certain friends of mine…but i figure i probably have outgoings that don’t seem all that frugal to them (treating my mum to a coffee at nero – and buying the big fancy with-cream version too!) so i gues it’s all about differing priorities…
…i’m not fighting off mountains of consumer debt, though, perhaps that tips the scales?
I think for most people realisation takes a while to kick in. My eldest son has always been really bad with money and has racked up credit card debt, personal loans with finance companies etc so that he could buy “stuff”. Recently he sat down and worked things out and now has a budget, is making all his payments (something he didn’t use to do) and ends up with $20 / week leftover. He is considering getting a part-time weekend job to increase his income. I am so relieved that the penny has dropped for him but I know that he needed to figure this out for himself.
Yes, I have friends who do this too – they have a regular income, but large bills, and there are times when they are really worried about making payments etc.
I’ve talked to them about dropping/reducing some things, like pay tv, mobile phone plans, internet plans, eating out, buying less clothing and toys etc etc, and they agree they would save money that way, but don’t want to make the changes and have the kids “go without”.
I figure they will start to see the value in making these changes when things get even tighter for them, but probably not before then, and even at that time they will be reluctant to make those decisions.
But they are good people, with big hearts, and are generous (which gets them into trouble too at times) – they are my friends, and although I don’t agree with how they are managing their finances, I still love them dearly, and hope that they come around.
I think until someone has their lightbulb moment they just wont change their thinking. Instead they are like the Prime Minister – spend, spend, spend even when belts should be tightened!
We inadvertently upsized our lifestyle about 4 years back when we moved my mother close to us, but decided to keep the rental she owned and previously lived in. 2 homes and 3 apartments + tenants to maintain quickly became hell. I think we put up with it for 2 years while we watched our bank accounts get drained. (it was much more difficult than we envisioned). It was a pretty easy decision to decide to simplify and dump the properties..(even though it was during the subprime mortgage crisis in the US).
Luckily my mom was also frugal, so no worries about upside down mortgages or any of that. Since that first move, we have just been editing ever since.
I think on some level it’s Human nature to keep taking on more and more stuff until you reach your breaking point. Many people have to hit bottom before they can rebuild their lives.
I suppose it’s just ‘horses for courses,’ we all have choices to make in this life and some people choose to spend money they don’t have. This wouldn’t suit me at all as I could never enjoy anything if I had got into debt to have it, but it does seem to suit the majority of people in the western world these days.
I don’t agree with this way of thinking at all but if that is the choice people want to make, it is they who will, eventually, have to face the consequences of their actions.
I think one reason watching those sorts of people in your life (and I’m sure I was watched by someone else once, heh) is that it feels so GREAT to be free from that treadmill…we just want to share that feeling with everyone and have them experience it too.