Grace asked a fabulous question in the last post: “I’ve read quite a bit about the necessity of removing feelings of entitlement from your life in order to stop overspending, and I think that’s where it starts to get away from me. How do you start feeling that you don’t deserve things that you have felt you do deserve for years? Why would I suddenly not deserve to have a few drinks or see a movie or something? I’m just not quite sure how that mentality changes”
I think this is a fabulous observation and question, I can’t tell you how many trying to get out of debts/build savings 20 something blogs I read where they mention deserving concert tickets, or needing new makeup or new clothes. Now anyone who knows me knows I believe firmly in family time, in yearly family holidays away from cell phones, computers and television, from hurried schedules and over-scheduling, but I don’t for a moment believe these are important because I need or deserve them. I have worked on changing my sense of what I’m entitled to, here’s how.
Firstly, you have to watch who you spend time with - I’m not saying for a moment that you have to ditch your friends, but I do think the amount of time you spend with people who don’t share values you’d like to have, can significantly effect what your norms are and what you think you are entitled to. I have many friends who are selfish with their money, their money is all about meeting their wants, once I began to see how wrong this was, it was like a feeling in my heart & soul that grew and grew, I knew I needed more friends with values that I had and set out to find them, thankfully through volunteering I found many new friends who have strong values about giving and don’t mix up needs and wants. Making new friends takes time, I don’t drop old friends, but it is nice to have a balance and know there are people in my life now who are like me!
Blogs - I actually read very few finance blogs, even though I write about frugality and budgeting. Why? Because I find a lot of money bloggers don’t share my values, they want to be out of debt and have money to focus on themselves, to buy bigger properties, retire at 40 or 50, travel the world. None of those things are bad things, but I don’t stick to a strict budget so that I can have a 5 bedroom home, or afford a cleaner, or retire at 45 or 50, I budget so that I can live a full life making a difference. I budget so that I can bless people both with time and money. I budget so that I can eventually adopt a child and give them a forever family (please note sponsoring a child is not adoption, I also sponsor 2 children but that certainly doesn’t give them a forever family), I can pay for a child in a developing country to go to school, I can purchase a cleft palate surgery for a child, I can cut my work hours so that I can volunteer. That is why I budget, so as you can imagine I can’t really relate to people who spend hours blogging about money so that they have more for themselves. So, go out there and find a blog that inspires you to get rid of your sense of entitlement, that inspires you to do difficult things to help others, that inspires you to stop thinking about self and instead think of others.
Go global – honestly, perhaps the most important thing for me is perspective. Each day 16,000 children die from starvation. Please take 3 minutes to watch this:
If 16,000 children a day died in England, Australia, New Zealand, USA or Canada from starvation, can you imagine the public outcry? There is no public outcry about 16,000 children dying a day in Africa, Latin America, Asia and the Middle East…Okay, I’m fighting the tears now, but after watching that how could I honestly say that I “deserve” a night out with friends? That I “deserve” to blow £400 or £500 on a vacation? Now, I’m not saying that we have to go without time with friends, hobbies or holidays, I’m saying put it in perspective, realize you don’t deserve these things, they are a blessing you have, a privilege and before you spend the money do ask yourself if your spending on these things are preventing you from ensuring someone doesn’t go hungry. Would I rather spend £8 a week on entertainment so that I can give £30 a week to help ensure children don’t go hungry, people have clean drinking water, women survive childbirth and families can stay together? Absolutely!
Go and do something for others! I was very upset the other day when one of my closest friends, said she really didn’t want to give up her own time for free, but she would if it would lead to a job. I was so absolutely horrified and yet I know that is a common perception. A lot of people don’t want to volunteer unless it leads to something paid, to me they are missing out on a huge blessing. I’ll write more about volunteering in a post on it’s own, but I encourage you all to have a look at your life and find something different to do, instead of pondering where you should go on holiday, go on a volunteer holiday – this could be centered around helping wildlife or even volunteering to teach englishor working in a feeding centre in Africa. Go and get perspective, you’ll quickly change your mind about entitlement!
Read, read, read – put down those celebrity magazines and tabloid papers and read, try the Guardian, the Independent or Times Online. Look at Time magazine, the Economist. Try reading the following books
Reading gives you perspective, ideas and helps you find people like you! I’m about to start reading the book Do Hard Things for some new ideas, if anyone else reads it and would like to chat about it let me know!
Every day focus on what you have to be thankful for! I know this sounds so simple, but it really does work. Each day before I go to bed I think about all the blessings I’ve had that day, even on very bad days there are blessings you just have to have your eyes open enough to find them. Try to write down 3-5 things each day that you were blessed with or thankful for. When you wake up in the morning, say thank you for having the privilege of waking up – remember 16,000 children each day don’t wake up! Once you begin to see the good things in your life, you stop feeling so entitled to buy, to consume, to focus on self.
Rely on a system of faith! Study after study confirms people with a faith are happier. I’m a Christian, I don’t believe the Church gets everything right, I don’t believe Christians get everything right, in fact sometimes I look around me and feel overwhelmed with how much we get wrong, but, I know the 1 person I have to put my faith in is not the leader of a Church or human, but for me it is Jesus, He gets things right, He knows how I should live “taking care of widows and orphans in their distress” James 1:27 even when I look around and see down right bad examples set by other Christians.
To sum up, here is what I know:
I would rather limit the amount of money I spend on myself in order to spend money helping others
I would rather live off 80% of my income and use the other 20% to ensure people have food, clean water and surgeries they need
I would rather view my money as not belonging to me and therefore use it to bless others
I would rather go without if it means someone else gets to live
I would rather build my family by becoming a mum to orphans than focusing only on my own DNA
I would rather sacrifice now in order to reap rewards later
I would rather find people who inspire me to do hard things, than surround myself with people who do easy things and still complain that their life is tough
I would rather “live a depressing life by “only” having £20 for food” and be able to give money so others can eat, then spend double that on food and let someone else die
I would rather leave this earth knowing I tried to make a difference, then knowing I leave a lot of money in the bank
What would you rather?
Once our eyes have been opened we can not pretend we do not know what to do. God who weights our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act. Proverbs 24:12
And if you sit here reading this thinking I’m something special, let me tell you you couldn’t be further from the truth, I’m a pretty normal person who can be horribly selfish at times! Every single day I feel ill equipped to do hard things, to follow this path I’m on! This quote has really helped me:
God doesn’t call the equipped
He calls those that answer the call
Mother Tereasa
This post is simple amazing, wow, you brought me to tears. I want you to know that when you said go and find blogs that inspire you, to me that is you. You are quite incredible and I’m sure you have a future as a writer. Thank you so much for inspiring me.
By: Kathryn on August 5, 2009
at 12:53 pm
Kathryn, I have a hard time imagining I could inspire anyone, but thank you!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:43 am
[...] artofthespa wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerpt … oncert tickets, or needing new makeup or new clothes. … Read, read, read – put down those celebrity magazines and tabloid papers and read, try the Guardian, the Independent or Times Online. Look at Time magazine, the Economist…. [...]
By: Getting rid of a sense of entitlement…. « Blush – Celebrity Mothers on August 5, 2009
at 1:09 pm
Your summary of the value of volunteering is perfect. Both in terms of what it gives back to us and in terms of meeting different people to connect and share with.
By: Sally on August 5, 2009
at 1:20 pm
Thanks Sally! I love volunteering!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:43 am
Thanks for this wonderful post! There are so many ways to take a step back and see how much good one can do–it’s a great reminder that it’s all about perspective. Some bloggers donate money, others donate grocery items they have worked into their budget–there are *so many ways* to give of yourself that none of us have an excuse.
By: FrugalChick on August 5, 2009
at 1:38 pm
Yes, so true Frugal Chick, there are so many ways and if we each did a few we could make such a difference!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:44 am
These are good points to consider in living an intentional life–one that matches my core values. Thank you for stating things so clearly.
By: rtc on August 5, 2009
at 1:39 pm
Rtc – I really like the idea of “living an intentional life”!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:44 am
It is my experience that the need to aquire possessions is just filling a spritual void. If you start to find a meaningful spiritual life, material things cease to have the same attraction. “Me” matters less. All that matters is passing on the love that God showers on us all.
By: Stella on August 5, 2009
at 2:32 pm
Stella I agree so much with your thoughts around filling a spiritul void!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:45 am
youre some amazing woman. thanks for the re-grounding.
By: kel on August 5, 2009
at 2:57 pm
Thanks for this post, and the perspective it gave me.
I know in my own life, I need to find ways to help others. Either by donating to a charity, volunteering in my community etc..
Rather than just pondering it, I really need to put it into action.
By: Frugal Dreamer on August 5, 2009
at 3:15 pm
“Rather than just pondering it, I really need to put it into action”
Can’t wait to see what you do!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:45 am
This is a truly wonderful post. You’ve definitely answered my question, and given me a lot to think about. Thank you.
By: Grace on August 5, 2009
at 3:21 pm
I’m so glad it answered your questions Grace!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:45 am
thankyou for the wake up call. it’s nothing i don’t think about, daily in fact, but put in a new way. 16, 000. my words.
thankyou for posting this, frugal. i’m going to come back and re-read and watch the video when i have time (and tissues…just the picture displayed is making my heart sink)
it is important, it does matter. thankyou for the reminder.
By: rachel on August 5, 2009
at 6:13 pm
“In a world of brokenness, we can bring wonder,
Where there are tears, we can bring laughter,
Where there is trembling and loneliness, we can bring love,
We are NOT meant to have compassion,
We are meant to become COMPASSIONATE”
Dr Michael Meegan, Director of International Community for the relief of Starvation and Suffering
FT – you’ll be inspired by Michael Meegan’s work and books.
Great post, very thoughtful.
By: Pebbledash on August 5, 2009
at 7:49 pm
Pebbledash I’ll have to see if I can get his books from the library. Thank you!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:46 am
Whoa. This post was incredible. Thanks Grace for your question – I can totally relate to having those feelings of entitlement.
Thank you, FT, for reminding us to be less selfish. I know a lot of things are wrong in this world, and I know that I should do my part to change things, but I, like Frugal Dreamer, really should stop pondering things and actually start doing more! I
I think the biggest problem is that it’s quite easy to forget the ‘bigger picture’ when you concentrate all your effort on trying to get the “simplifying your life” and “living more frugally” parts right, at least in the first stages of change. I think volunteering is put on hold until we’ve reached a certain stage? You yourself only started doing more (ok, you already did some charity work before, but I mean a whole lot more!) after beginning to downshift. Am I just inventing excuses?
By: Lora on August 5, 2009
at 9:12 pm
Lora
Glad you enjoyed it. Well, I started volunteering at a young age, so in one sense have always volunteered so to speak, but yes when I was at my London job I did have to volunteers in ways that wasn’t a weekly commitment that involved being in a particular place at a particular time. But there were still ways to help. I think you’ve inspired another post!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:47 am
Thank you, FT. Another post would be very much appreciated, since I’m still pretty lost as to where to start!
By: Lora on August 6, 2009
at 7:14 pm
I definitely think people have got this sense of entitlement from the promotion of consumerism – and the promotion of consumerism has got really out of hand. I was born in 1963 and can still remember people saving up for things and also buying essential stuff by paying it off week by week (before credit cards were freely available). There seemed to be an understanding then that things that were bought had to be earned – that you had to have the money earned to hand first. I’m only 46 (not that old!) and yet the rapid cult of consumerism has really swayed peoples values and it’s a great shame. To be honest the rate at which this whole ‘consumerism’ thing has grown scares me – where’s it all going to end? At what point do people realise that they have to conserve and use the earth’s resources wisely ? – when all the resources are used up?
A neighbour of mine was telling me about some students who had a moving party in the city I live in and they couldn’t be bothered to take their household stuff to a secondhand place so they just threw the stuff out the window – perfectly good stuff like a microwave – and watched it smash and everyone in the neighbourhood stood and cheered. When I hear stories like that I despair – that young people take for granted such resources (paid for by parents) and dispose of them without thinking of the poverty of others in the city who probably could use microwaves, furniture etc.
I’m not a christian – I’m a lapsed catholic who practices buddhist meditation (and yoga). I do think having a sense of the spiritual in one’s life does bring balance – and offsets the pressures put on people to consume. When you take time just to ‘be’ then you start to step out of the consumer treadmill.
Glad you are feeling better – I do like your blog
By: Angela on August 6, 2009
at 2:14 am
Oh Angela, what a terrible story – people throwing away good things. We just have too much don’t we?
I think you are right about consumerism.
Glad you enjoyed the blog!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:48 am
This is a wonderfully thoughtful comment on the way in which we privileged people who have houses and food and clothes and money, can be tricked into thinking the world still owes us!
I am very impressed by your writing -your ability to put it all together for us coherently and forcefully, yet gently too.
I agree that we can be much more generous-my husband and I currently support the education of 8 kids in Tanzania. This gives us so much joy-the monthly newsletter is better for our morale than any treat we can imagine buying for ourselves.
Thank you for your encouragement.
By: earthmotherwithin on August 6, 2009
at 2:27 am
Earthmother – thank you for the wonderful compliment!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:48 am
You’re very right about refocusing on your values. The idea that we “deserve” material things, rewards I’d call them, just for being alive and working a job has always been foreign to me. It’s like being rewarded for doing well in school. That’s not necessary, you’re expected to do well in school. It’s what you do outside of the normal expectation that may or may not earn an extra kudos.
I save and budget so that I have extra money, yes, but it’s for stability so that I can then take care of my family, take care of extended family in bad situations, have the means to extend a helping hand to those in need I haven’t yet met, and have the ability to stop working for money if my time is most valuable to those who need help.
As a child I always wanted to adopt when I grew up: children, animals, whatever. Whoever didn’t have a home should have one. Perhaps I read too much of the Five Little Peppers, and Boxcar Children, but I always thought I’d love to be rich so I could provide for many.
And that sort of thing really takes the luster off things and puts them back on people. It’s nicer, you don’t feel as though you’re being deprived of anything this way. Just that you’re preparing to help those who need you.
By: Revanche on August 6, 2009
at 7:28 am
What a fabulous comment, I’ve learned a great deal from it, thank you!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 11:49 am
[...] Now, please don’t think I’m preaching, I’m simply sharing how I eat; yes I make sacrifices so that my food budget is lower, but I’m also pretty happy knowing I can get the recommended minimum (and usually exceed it) of fruit, veg, calcium & protein on an average of only £20 a week! If I can do it, you can too! And if feels good knowing that I have enough left over to continue to support those with less than I! [...]
By: £20 weekly shop (aka grocery shop) Part I « Notes From The Frugal Trenches – A Downshifting Journey on August 6, 2009
at 12:02 pm
[...] read this. Please watch the video. And don’t get caught up in the statistics and over analyze why [...]
By: Perspective « the Wolfepack on August 6, 2009
at 4:33 pm
Thank you so much for this post! I was reading Soulemama’s comments and found your blog – I’m so glad I did. How encouraging it is to find sisters in Christ through blogging.
By: bellaguinness on August 6, 2009
at 4:47 pm
Welcome Bella! Thank you, I’m glad you find it encouraging!! I look forward to reading your blog! Blessings!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 4:52 pm
I’ve read this a few times now, trying to think of a good comment to write, but it’s just not coming. I absolutely agree, and think this is hugely important, but I’m kind of at a loss for words on this. That said, I really appreciate the reminder about this – while I think I’m usually fairly good about not feeling entitled to things, I’ve been working through a few financial things recently that have me thinking more about things I’d like to improve, especially around giving, generosity, and thinking even more about people other than about me, so this came at just the right time.
By: Jenn on August 6, 2009
at 4:52 pm
Glad it helped Jenn! Remember it is a journey in itself, I really don’t think it happens overnight so don’t be too hard on yourself!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 6, 2009
at 5:39 pm
[...] my last post about this a few people commented & emailed asking for tips on where to start. The only thing I [...]
By: Getting Over Your Sense of Entitlement Part II « Notes From The Frugal Trenches – A Downshifting Journey on August 7, 2009
at 8:34 am
How can it be, that as “civilised” nations such as mine (Australia) can get it so wrong.The famine pictures from the you tube link, are so, so confronting that they brought me to tears. What is it that we can do? Even in Australia we have huge problems with our aboriginal population in the north of Australia – sexual abuse of children, malnutrition, alcohol and drug abuse starting from childhood, lack of adequate housing…even the army has had to be brought in to deal with lawless behaviour….how does this happen??? If a society cannot look after its children, what sort of society is it? If the world cannot look after its children, what sort of world is it?
By: Rachael on August 9, 2009
at 1:38 pm
Rachael “If a society cannot look after its children, what sort of society is it? If the world cannot look after its children, what sort of world is it?”
AMEN!
By: Frugal Trenches on August 9, 2009
at 4:32 pm
[...] can read Part I of this series here, and Part II [...]
By: Getting Rid Of Your Sense of Entitlement Part III « Notes From The Frugal Trenches – A Downshifting Journey on August 12, 2009
at 2:16 pm
[...] past week or so, as I’ll be clothes-shopping tomorrow. Posts on minimalist wardrobes and the ‘Getting Rid Of Entitlement’ series by Frugal Trenches have been very helpful during this editing process. I had a good look at [...]
By: The Frugal Undergrad’s Wardrobe « The Frugal Undergrad on August 14, 2009
at 8:55 pm
Thanks! I typed in “how to stop thinking with entitlement” and found your blog. I feel so stuck in a cycle of this and am looking to God for HELP to change my thinking. Your clear expression here helps me on my own journey out of this way of existing. I am sharing this with others.
By: Michele on January 15, 2010
at 9:34 am