My last post focused on some fundamental changes in attitude/approach to life in order to start downshifting. I was going to spend part II looking at the little things you can do, but I’ve decided to leave that for part III. Instead I think there is something we fundamentally need to understand before we can make changes and that is happiness.
I think over the last 50 years the western world has come to have a very skewed view of happiness, it is as though we see happiness in terms of what we’ve acheived – if we have a decent size house, can take a yearly holiday, have 2 kids, the dog, pensions, can retire early. There is nothing wrong with those dreams, or that life, if you so choose but honestly it isn’t that life that makes you happy, your happiness comes from within you and having perspective.
I was reading the Saturday Telegraph this week and there was a piece on finding happiness by moving to the countryside, how it was attainable for the average person and actually the current up & coming trend is to rent out the home you own in the city and rent a house in the country. The families featured were supposed to be average Joe’s only they had a £1 million ($1.70 million) house in the city, hardly average and certainly not people I could relate to. And it hit me, are we all searching for a type of happiness that is false?
It is 100% normal to want certain things out of life – things like someone to share life with who loves you, children, a home to call your own, a job you enjoy. There is nothing wrong with wanting these, but I think we have to be careful we don’t covet them because it means that instead of focusing on what you can do in your situation now, you spend your time focusing on wanting something else, wanting that to complete you, wanting that to make you whole. Instead of spending the time you are waiting being the best person you can be, learning & giving to others, you turn inwards and in my experience (I’ve done this a lot in the past) turning inwards never makes you happy.
I have three friends who are currently very unhappy. They constantly question why I’m happy when I don’t have the things I most want in life – it seems bizaar to them that you can be happy without having all (marriage, motherhood, owning a home, foreign holidays, a job you love) in place, so I’m going to let you in on some secrets.
1. If you can read this email, if you have change in your pocket, wallet or even down the couch you are among the most blessed in the world. If you can make your mortgage payment or rent payment and eat you are rich. Repeat that over and over again until you start to believe it. Just remember today alone 25, 000 children will die. Yes die. Do we really want to spend a day wishing we had more when children are dying because they don’t have access to food & water?
2. Take a long look at what you do to help others and you know what, do something! It can be as simple as buying a homeless person a meal, starting to give each month to a charity, sponsoring a child through World Vision or Compassion. Stop thinking about it and simply do it.
3. Spend time with those less fortunate. I recently mentioned that I volunteer with youth groups now, having a weekly commitment to help those young people who don’t have some of the very basic emotional needs met, has been so enriching for me, it has done far more for me, then it has for the young people. If you are burnt out, if you are on a long journey through grief/infertility/suffering, think about doing something outside the box – there are so many ways you can volunteer overseas, helping out in nutrition centres, teaching children English, helping to paint orphanages. Honestly, you will gain more from that experience then you would taking a holiday or stay-cation.
4. Find what you love and encorporate it into your life now – I love dogs but I can’t own one (I rent!), this means I can volunteer to walk the dog of someone who is elderly and I can enjoy volunteering at a rescue centre for dogs locally. If your dream is to have a farm but you don’t ever thing you’ll manage it financially – go volunteer on a farm or a chicken rescue centre. Use your pain, wants, desires to do good for others! One of my friends is so upset that she can’t get a job as a PT (she has a job that pays well but not in her field) I constantly suggest she volunteers in a PT unit one evening a week, but she won’t consider it. So she will keep yearning and coveting and prevent herself from being happy? Personally I’d much rather volunteer :0)
5. Watch those friendships. I live in a very wealthy area, a lot of the couples I know have incomes over £400,000 + a year, I could see myself starting to think they had it easy, I could hear them complaining about whether they could afford something when I knew the children I sponsored had next to nothing and I felt sick. Through volunteering I’ve met people far more like me, through my sponsor children I keep perspective. It doesn’t mean I begrudge people who are wealthy but it means instead of focusing on what they have, I can see what they don’t have – a heart for orphans, the inclination to volunteer. And I wouldn’t swap for anything!
6. Every single day list the things you have to be grateful for. The day after I wrote my last post, I had my bank make a wrong charge of £225, I doubt I’ll get it back, I felt so upset and burdened. But I’ve turned it around, I am blessed it wasn’t £2225, I’m blessed I had that money in savings, I’m blessed that we have banks and money because there are places in the world where people have no access to banks.
7. Find a path but be flexible. You don’t have to do without what your heart truly desires. I have a good friend who lost her husband very tragically in his early 30′s, while they were trying to have a baby. After several years of being single she decided to turn that grief into good and has adopted two beautiful children ages 2 and 7, the eldest of whom is from Ethiopia. She sat in an orphanage for years waiting for a family, watching her friends be adopted, hoping and praying one day she would have a mummy. She found her path to motherhood via a different route but a wonderful route just the same!
8. Love yourself – honestly we all have good qualities and we are most often our worst critics. Find something each day that you did well and how you can improve yourself. Don’t be toxic towards yourself because you’ll only end up harming yourself in the process.
9. Rely on your faith system, it will be there for you. As a Christian I find the following scripture so very very helpful, “For I know the plans I have for you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope for a future” Jeremiah 29:11. When I worry about my future, when I worry about being alone with no family, I come back to scripture, I come back to my happiness and I come back to the various paths my life will take and have peace!
10. If you feel trapped by life, a mortgage, or people then get yourself untrapped. Allow yourself the freedom to have the life you want, to step outside the norm, to leave suburbia behind, to follow your passions.
Just be happy!
My new post is up at the Simple, Green & Frugal Co-op!
I always find you posts so very thought provoking and inspriational and this one is no exception.
Lisa
Thank you Lisa, that is very kind!
Beautiful post. You really really ought to think about writing a book on this … even beginning with a compilation of posts from your blog would be a start.
Thank you Angela. I can’t imagine what on earth I would have to share in a book though!!!
Thank you for the reminders of how blessed we are to have our basic needs met as well as many wants. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty darn good.
“Life isn’t perfect, but it’s pretty darn good” – AMEN!
lovely post, thanks. it has reminded me to get back to my 5 daily gratitudes….
Daily gratitudes are so wonderful! Good luck getting back into the routine of them!
This post made me smile. It was so beautiful!
We ARE truly blessed, and yet we seem to quickly forget that.
Thank you for the reminder!
You’re welcome, we all need reminders!
Lovely post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thank you!
Well said………I hope more people read and heed your post. Keep up the good words and ideas.
Thanks Mam, I look forward to reading your blog!
lovely post. we are so so blessed, and even the little things matter more than we can imagine.
“we are so so blessed, and even the little things matter more than we can imagine” – AMEN again!
Very well said…. makes us all realise we should be more thankful for what we have. Thank you for the reminder.
So true Margaret!
Thanks for this -just what I needed today. I will be making a link to this on my blog -I have been thinking a lot about gratitude lately.
Thank you for your thoughtful blog, which I visit regularly.
Thank you earthmortherwithin. I’ll certainly have a look at your blog, look forward to reading it!
Once again you’ve made me sit up and think. I regret that I forget so quickly to be grateful for all I have. Your advice to be outward focused is very helpful and I will try to do this more. Thank you.
You’re welcome & good luck!
I think its easy to forget how lucky we really are today. My family is all healthy. My work has me seeing children going thru chemo to fight cancer. Its heartbreaking. I can’t image my children going thru such heart breaking stuff. Or as a parent to remain strong during such a difficult time.
I am healthy, my family is healthy. I have a roof over my head and food on my plate. I have my feet to walk upon this earth and my arms to take a swim with. I have my mind to bless those less fortunate and to create great things. I am truly fortunate.
Thank you for the reminder.
“I am healthy, my family is healthy. I have a roof over my head and food on my plate. I have my feet to walk upon this earth and my arms to take a swim with. I have my mind to bless those less fortunate and to create great things. I am truly fortunate”
That is lovely Money Funk!
Just wanted to say I always enjoy your posts.
Thanks Sonrie!
Thanks for a wonderful post – I really needed to read it today!
Roz, hope things are well!
This is a challenging , wonderful post!
Yes, I second what Angela said.
You really ought to think about writing a book on this ….
Dancing you’ve always said I should write, but I never think anyone would read!
i need to read this every day for a while. thank you. thank you. thank you.
You’re welcome Cate!
Thank you for this post…
thank you for being a volunteer
But please keep in mind that there are also many people who are middle class or lower middle class that cannot be bothered not only to donate (which is understandable if they are having money problems) but to even volunteer their time. I think being wealthy has little to do with having a giving soul…
I also believe that volunteering and giving back to the world around you is so incredibly important for everyone, from the very poor to the very rich. It has the potential to make a desperate person feel like they still have something worth giving to their community, and it reminds a person who has it good that their circumstances could easily have been otherwise.
“I also believe that volunteering and giving back to the world around you is so incredibly important for everyone, from the very poor to the very rich. It has the potential to make a desperate person feel like they still have something worth giving to their community, and it reminds a person who has it good that their circumstances could easily have been otherwise”
That is so true. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for this post. I think it can be so easy, for me anyway, to forget how wonderfully blessed I am in my life and to slip into feelings of self-pity and deprivation. Really, I have everything that I need right now, though, and I’ve found that by keeping in mind how much I have, and how much I have to give to others, I can keep things in perspective much better.
That’s a great point Jenn!
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greetings from australia
I’ve got a theory: if everyone in the western world had a sponsor child (especially childless couple): ie: if everyone took responsibility for at least 1 underprivaleged child: we’d be a big step towards fixing poverty
that’s just a theory i’ve had & i reckon it’d work
i know i’m doing my bit with 1 sponser child. then for christmas presents/wedding presents i buy gifts from either worldvision/tear.org.au/oxfam/assistance dogs.
let’s face it: it’s a tax deduction as well: so it’s not like i’m a total matyr: i get some of the money back.