I’ve had so many emails over the last couple of weeks asking for help, people feeling lost, exhausted, drained and hopeless about changing their lives. I have to say I’m no expert, I’m just a girl who realized I was on a path I didn’t want, who had some pretty inspirational little ones who made her see what she really wanted and decided to do something about it. But, while I’m not an expert, I am happy to share what worked for me. This post is about the bigger plan, part II I’ll focus on baby-steps. In the meantime you can read some of my baby-steps here
Initially I made a plan, a plan that would mean I would work for so many years earning so much, saving a certain amount of money each month in order to make my dream come true in 3, 4, 5 + years. I plodded along on that path for a few months and then I realized something, when did it become OK to plan to start living in 3, 4, 5 years? I knew someone who had done this previously, she would only give up work and go part time once they had bought a house, had a full emergency fund, they had their tiny investment property etc, well along the path she also suffered from infertility, it was only after she was made redundant and forced to move that she got pregnant. Their story always stuck with me because it showed me just what a life of working does to the body and the more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want that for my body.
So a few months after I had this “good plan” in place, I decided I didn’t want that plan, I wanted to start living now, this very second, following what I wanted to do, finding out who I was, making a new life that was right for me. I prayed and prayed for strength and determination because I knew no one would understand why I was turning my back on a good career, with nothing waiting in the wings. Was is it scary sometimes, knowing that the emergency fund will only go so far? Yes. Are there fleeting moments where I miss aspects of having a demanding job? Fleeting moments yes, only just. But I have honestly gained a lot more in terms of my long term plans than I ever would of sitting behind a desk, desperately unhappy but doing what is expected of me, waiting for some arbitrary date to come where I allow myself to leave, where I allow myself to then listen to my body, where I allow myself to then start life as I truly want it? No thank you, it is a ransom too great to pay.
On the other-hand I know without children my situation was easier, but children do not make it impossible to downshift, in-fact I think they are the greatest reason to downshift. I’m currently reading a book about a single career woman in London who wanted to adopt, so she moved to a tiny house nearer family, with less money than she has ever had in her life, in order to work part time and parent her son.
The reality is, the more financial demands on your money/time, the harder is it. So here’s the big plan, I’ll share smaller tips in the next post.
1. Stop planning when and look at making it happen now, or within the next year.
2. Stop buying. Full Stop. Newsflash – you don’t “need” new bedding, new furniture, new appliances. You don’t need to replace an ipod if it breaks or even a camera. When you are in debt you need to get out of debt more than anything else.
3. Get out of debt – get creative! Like I said, I’m no expert I’m just a blogger but I would personally sell my car, home etc to get out of debt. My little car is worth £5000, it was bought from a good garage that gave me a 12 month warranty for all repairs & labor, I have no car payment, it is a smaller car that is safe and easy/cheap to run, it gets me from A to C!
4. Learn the difference between need and want. I need a place to live that is safe, clean, welcoming, enjoyable. I used to think that needed to be my own apartment, that cost me £1500 a month including all my bills. I now pay £260 a month including all my bills, sharing in a nice terrace, with a brilliant flatmate, which has afforded me the time to decide what I want to do (teach) and how I’m going to get there. Gone are the expectations people have that I should be able to buy a property, the only expectation I have now is that I expect to find the path that is right for me by focusing on my needs and not wants.
5. Don’t think of yourself as deserving less because you are single or childless or your children have flown the nest. It is just as important to have good physical and mental health now as it is when you are in a relationship or when you are a mum or when your children lived at home.
6. Have a rough idea of where you want to go, but let go of any preconceived ideas that you necessarily can plan how you’ll get there. As a Christian, Proverbs 16:9 helped me “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps“. I know I want to be a mum, I want to adopt. I know I need and deserve a job that I love, that gives me balance. I know I get a great deal of strength from doing what I believe in, what I feel called to do. My course (I hope) is teaching & motherhood – but I certainly don’t know the steps I need to take to get there and I’m OK with that!
7. Really start to understand that how you feel physically effects your mental health. I *know* when I drink water, exercise (even just a 30 min brisk walk), eat low GI foods, get 8 hours sleep a night, I feel emotionally and physically better about any situation, even difficult ones. But when I sit all day, eat fast food, go from work to home without some me time/exercise, I feel weak.
8. Do something for greater good – volunteering with this youth group has most definitely made me see the bigger picture. Life, security, happiness isn’t really isn’t about money. Do you need enough money to know you can feed yourself & your family? Of course! But I challenge us all to think about what enough money is. Go and sponsor a child through World Vision, read those letters the children send and tell me that most of us don’t have enough.
9. Believe in love, forgiveness & faith. Very few people have had ideal childhoods, many people have strained relationships with their parents and siblings. I don’t think you have to forget how they make you feel, pretend to be the best of friends or spend time with people who hurt you emotionally, but when you forgive you release yourself from the pain and move on!
10. Figure out what you really really want in life and make it happen. I feel very blessed to have a friend who is 14 years older than me. She has always wanted motherhood but couldn’t meet the right man. She is now in her early 40′s and won’t consider adopting on her own or fostering or even other means, yet every time I speak with her it is her biggest regret in life, to never be a mum, she cries every time she sees her nephews, that kind of pain taught me something. I have another friend whose always wanted to work abroad, she too is a good decade older than me, but her partner thinks it is nonsense, so she dreams and believes it will never happen. I have news for us all, we have 1 life here on earth; one chance to make a difference in someone’s life, one chance to find our passion, one chance to be who we want to be.
Don’t you owe it to yourself to make it happen?
I know I do.
Now go & figure out what your light is; you’re worth it!
Yay for you! You are so right! and personally I agree – children are an even bigger reason to make the leap. I don’t have much money, but I have ‘time’ with my daughter. I do feel grateful for that (even though at the moment living in a small space is testing
I think the thing is that life can be over in a blink. You have to live for now, as much as you can. If it means a few sacrifices on the dream you have along the way, to me it’s worth it to live it now. I would rather have a small house, less money and the feeling that life was being lived, than everything else.
Glad to see life is treating you well. I only have sporadic internet on the road so I can only catch up occassionally
Oh Living – so glad things are well, I’ll check in soon!
Once again, another great post. I finally have started taking the steps to downshift. At times I feel myself getting stuck. Mainly because I have the debt. I can’t just go out to sell everything because there are 3 other people to consider. But I did a downshifting post recently. Mainly to earmark the site for later reading. I want to follow ZenHabits post for some more steps in downsizing.
Now I wonder… if I simplify my life can my type A personality handle the simplicity?
MoneyFunk I used to be so much more type A but I realized that honestly those traits had to go if I wanted to live fully, embrace life, relax and just be. I am so much less stressed, although have more to be stressed about. I think you have to constantly remind yourself that those little things don’t matter – you can get stressed about having everything just so, or you can accept things won’t be just so. The latter makes life much more enjoyable. I’ll try to think of more specifics and post about it, but I’m loving type B!
Good to hear from you again … missed you …. and I was off for 4 weeks to the US as well. xx
OOoh Dancing, can’t wait to catch up with you!!
GREAT post, FT! Thanks for reminding me of what’s really important in life. I am finding a comfortable life in my own way – I don’t mind so much the 9-5 lifestyle and I like the structure it gives my days. My job is nowhere near as demanding as yours was and I do enjoy it. I mostly love the freedom it gives me to pursue other interests as well as the great benefits it offers. I in no way look to my job to fulfill me, it’s just a means of support. I find my passion in my relationships and hope to be a mother someday soon, too. What a joy that surely will be! It just goes to show that we all need to find the path that’s right for each of us as individuals. I’m so glad to see you posting again!
That’s exactly it Amelia, finding the right path for you. When I was living in N.America, I loved my 9-5, we had a social office, we had fun, we finished our work and went home. I’ve never found a job like that here!
tis a gift to be so clear in what you want. not that you haven”t worked hard and put the effort in to get to this clarity. cos you have. its great to hear from you again and look forward to hearing how you get along. you will make a great teacher and a great mum.
Thanks Mo, that’s the kindest thing you could say :0)
Terrific post FT!
My “light” is to teach children ( and adults) all the the “knowledge” I have accquired over the years…
organic gardening, composting, aromatherapy, living lightly, wood craft, plant, bird, animal, insect ID, etc etc … as well as engineering, recycling, general sustainable living stuff…
It has taken me a number of years to crystalise what I want to do, and a few more years to get to where I am , so I can do it all…but it IS finally coming together…
If I can do it, so can anyone else! as I did it ( training courses, practical stuff, setting up a business…) despite a lot of nasty health issues, while raising a small, lovely, child ( who was my motiviation and the source of my drive to do all this…) and an ongoing battle with CFS/ME….
I am now in the happy position to say ” I like my life…and I like ME!”
I hope any one reading this has a go at doing what THEY need to do, to feel the same way about something….whatever it is…
as it feels GOOD , when you finally get there…
Compostwoman – that is brilliant! Feel free to teach me, I am not being successful in any way re gardening, composting. But I keep trying!
Great post – you’ve clearly been through the emotional wringer in sorting out what you want out of life and how you’re going to get there.
One of my pet peeves is the attitude “I’ll be happy when…”.
You hear it all the time, people thinking they’ll be happy when they get that new car, or when they get married, or when they have a child, or when they retire, or whatever. In reality, that attitude is saying “I’m not currently happy, but maybe something will come along to change that for me”.
It doesn’t happen. You need to have a firm vision of where you’re heading, have a fair idea of how you intend to get there (which doesn’t always work out, granted!), and you need to make sure you enjoy the journey. People who don’t enjoy the journey are inevitably disappointed when they get there, and cover up that disappointment with a new “I’ll be happy when…” event.
Looking forward to hearing more about your journey!
Oh so true Darren re “I’ll be happy when”. Happiness comes from within and while some thing can help you feel like you’ve reached the most important things in life, you have to be happy with who you are first!
I wish I could live the way you live. I tried to buy less, use less electric and water to reduce the bill, try not to get into unnecessary debt and save a little money whenever I can.
You can do it Sarah!!!
Well that post was worth waiting for! I hope lots of people find inspiration from it. It’s certainly given me a boost. I sometimes need to be reminded to keep focused on what is important to me.
We all need reminders, I’m sure that’s why I blog!!
Great post, FT, and some interesting comments, too. I’m 64, so at the other end of the spectrum. And I’m in good shape financially as long as the world order doesn’t totally collapse, but there is no such thing as perfect security. I’m just rebuilding my life after my husband died far too young from a terrible disease. I’m getting to the end of the more intense grieving and trying to figure out how do do some worthwhile things with my life. I think it is going to be with refugees in my area. My husband and his family came to the US as refugees after the Hungarian Revolution in ’56 so this resonates with me a lot. But I think being happy every day, connecting with the goodness around me and my local community is so essentially part of living as long as you are alive. I was glad to read the comments about this above. If I even just concentrate on my own back yard the abundance of life in so many forms is staggering. I do meditation practice every day to connect to the present moment and it has helped more than anything since Paul died.
Thicket, how wonderful! I’ve done quite a bit of work with refugees, it is incredible the prejudice they face for simply wanting their families to be safe. I’m sure you’ll love it.
I’m sorry about your husband, such loss.
Great post FT.. though I have to say reading it, it isn’t as easy as this sometimes to get a happy ending…. nice to have you back… x
Well I’m hoping in the very end even with horrific struggle we all get that happy ending, I’m counting on it :0)
I really like your mindset. I just recently came down with this weirdo autoimmune stuff, and it’s really forced me to look carefully at everything. I’m starting medical school in a month, and my life has been nothing but stress. I think the big lesson in this is to start being kind to myself–I work way to hard, all the time, and it’s necessary to sit back and give yourself a break sometimes.
I have two major health conditions and I really think with the right attitude it can be done. Rest up before medical school starts!
Well FT you may say you are no expert, but you are a very wise woman! Great post, thank you so much for your wisdom!
All the best
Judy
I have to say this is my favourite post of yours to date! It has really resonated with me and I feel proud of you and all you have accomplished to date! You are an inspiration.
Thanks Jessie, I find it hard to think I could inspire anyone, but I’m glad you enjoyed the post!
Another wonderful, thought-provoking post FT.
I find as I mature and get older, I am much happier with what I have and with myself.
I’m learning a lot about myself and what makes me think, makes me happy, makes me sad, makes me relax, makes me whatever. I like me.
I think that is a big part of finding your purpose.
My purpose is to help people. I’m working in banking and I never imagined I would be a banker 10 years ago. I’m good at it and I find I can really help people. That makes me feel good.
I also love to create, be it photography, cooking, or painting.
My purpose is also to raise my son and be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister & friend. These are roles/responsibilities that I cherish.
That sounds like a fabulous purpose Melanie!
Love it Love it Love it…..
Why thank you thank you thank you!
:0)
Just stumbled across this blog for the first time. I have lived the life I’ve always wanted for about a year now. For me that means making my art full time, teaching/making a serious difference in people’s lives, and living by my own schedule(which happens to involve a 4-hour lazy morning, 7 days a week). I am not by any means wealthy, I live with hand-me-down furniture and cheap clothing, but no debt. My life is rich, though. Fulfilling. I am ready to and have several times moved long distances with only what fits in my car. I love relocating, it is the very best way to change things up, meet amazing new friends, and see more of the world in an intimate way.
I love that you share these very important fundamentals in a way that is inspiring and reassuring while still stressing the great urgency of the situation. Thanks for writing, and I’ll be back!
Jeff, finding the rich life is wonderful. Well done you!
Wow! What an inspirational blog post and a wonderful photo!
I want you to know that you have inspired me to remain positive during difficulties and to focus on what is really important in life (i.e. not money!).
I’m so pleased to hear that you are happy and content with your new life. I wish you every success on your future path.
Best wishes,
Roz
Roz, you are too kind.
I think that we all focus too much on money, I do infact you’ve inspired a post!
Thank you so much for this post FT; I’ve recently lost my way a little with my savings- I’d lost sight of why I was saving and because I’d been doing so well previously I felt I *could* spend.
I’ve just ruled July a “no unnecessary spending month” and I know I can do it because I used to all the time when I was paying off my student loans.
I’m currently trying to think of a way I can turn my career about that will enable me to move to a rural location- my current position is not one that I could do outwith a large urban area.
Thanks again for the inspiration!
Don’t be too hard on yourself Looby, it’s a journey and I often get into bad funks!
That was such a beatiful post. Very inspiring
x
Thanks Chantel!
hi!
i’ve been reading for ages but not really posted before…just wanted to say that i love this post, it’s so inspiring.
i’ve just started (public) blogging…do you mind if i add you to my blogroll? i am excited about your plan to life a quiet life of contentment – it is what i am reaching for too!
Good luck blogging Rachel! Yes please feel free to add me, I look forward to checking out your blog!
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I noticed when I started going to my cancer support group that the older people talked about planning for their retirement only to find out they had cancer or that their spouse had cancer. All the retirement plans meant nothing. We have to glean as much from life daily as we can to the glory of God.