As most of you know, for the past 3 weeks I’ve been helping out a friend who hasn’t been able to get a childminder, by caring for her 3 year old daughter. It has been so wonderful both to help her mum out and to have time, once again with a little one! I miss my little inspirations dreadfully and in many ways this experience has awakened such a desire to be a mum, but in other ways it made me so glad I’m not.
I was a long awaited, much longed for, never expected to survive baby. I ended up an only after a series of unfortunate events and both parents wanted only the best for me. The best was very neatly defined as formal education, extra-curricular activities, international travel, manners (my parents looked into an elite finishing school in Gloucester, where I would have learned how to correctly poise myself when in company – scarily this was only 11 years ago!) and higher education. Due to what my parents defined as the “essentials” they made choices to fit within this lifestyle – I was with a nanny full time by age 3 months, was accepted into an elite private school by age 2, went to preperatory school and attended the highest ranked girls school for my secondary education. I had private music tuition by age 3, was in an orchestra by age 7, played in a symphony orchestra by age 10. I sat ballet exams, studied under la creme de la creme and even spent time at the national ballet school. I horse-back rode, competed in gymnastics, was on swim teams, hockey teams (that is field hockey for the North American readers!), track teams and auditioned & won staring roles in various plays & musicals locally & nationally. There was not a night that was not scheduled and the rare night with no extra-curricular still meant 1.5 hours of music practice (minimum), 2-4 hours of homework, conversational french practice and anything else I was supposed to achieve in my “free time”. I was raised with tasks and busyness; so much so that if I was home alone the parents would disconnect the tv so that it was impossible to simply have down time, or relax. Please don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me dearly but I believe there was & is an unacceptance of not being perfect and an inability to seperate the person from the behaviour.
I don’t have any memories of camping, walking in nature, gardening, growing or learning with my parents. I remained an only child because my parents put every resource they had into me and felt they couldn’t afford another child – they couldn’t, in fact many of the past & current financial hardships are directly because of me. I was to have better, be better & accomplish more than they did. I had to speak correctly, at all times, eat as if I were a member of the Royal family and conduct myself appropriately in conversations! I remember when we spent a month in the USA when I was 7 or 8, being reprimanded for using the word buddy – how uncouth and uneducated I was becoming (perhaps a trip to the US was not good for my education!)
I’ve mentioned before when I decided to take on my little inspirations, there was vast dissaproval from my mother as she felt motherhood, even if only a time, was beneath me and it was a slap in the face considering what she had spent educating me! I learned a great deal from my time with them and these last 3 weeks have been such a reminder of the type of parent I want to be.
Had I not had these experiences I honestly believe that my children would have been signed up for ballet lessons for grace, gymnastics lessons for flexibility, french groups to increase their life skills, music to increase IQ and a myriad of other things. Having an opportunity to parent several children in need gave me amazing insight into not only what children’s needs are, but about what true education is. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, this experience changed me from viewing parents & children existing in a parallel life to an intertwined one. A myriad of people were paid to teach me things in hour or two hour segments, thinking about this now makes me feel exceptionally uneasy and while there is nothing wrong with 1 or 2 extra-curricular activities, I was living a 60 hour work week by age 7!
These last 3 weeks with the little one have included so many child focused activities. I’ve purposely tried to NOT fill our time with what I think we should do, but to instead be child lead, nature lead and home based. We’ve folded laundry together, sang songs, listened to classical music, run up & down hills, read stories, collected rocks, sat at the library together and become lost in books, made food, made art, played find the letter games, gone on more “cat walks” then I can count and learned together. I’ve been a recipient of the wonderful teachings of a 3 year old to simply stand still. There are days I’ve worried that we haven’t accomplished enough and then she will remind me that we’ve done just what she needed because as our day comes to a close she’ll say “that was such a fun day folding those towels and singing those songs”. She said just what I needed to hear and I’ve reciprocated by giving her just what she needed to feel safe & secure. There were many times this week I wanted to say “hurry up we need to go to X” and I’ve slowly stopped myself and embraced how wonderful it is to want to dance between putting your shoes on, sing a song every time you turn a page in a book or pretend to feed your dollies between every bite of lunch.
I want to be a mother, I’ve always had a mothers soul, but I can now see why God has made me wait, whether you believe in God or not I think most of us believe things happen for a reason. The last few years have given me so many opportunities to break free from my own childhood and think & reflect on the type of mother I want to be, free from others expectations and instead focused on meeting my own children’s needs & expectations, whenever that may be. My children will never have the life I had surrounded by priviledge, but they will instead have a parent who instead of living a parallel existence, is wonderfully linked in all the ways a family should be, in all the ways that count. A parent who cares far more about surrounding a child with love then priviledge and a parent who believes more than activities that take you out of the home, we need activities that allow us to be home. So today I give thanks to the Lord and the circumstances I’ve had that have made me wait for motherhood and give me opportunities to reflect, allowing for conscious decisions rather than falling into a middle class trap. Who knows I may even use the phrase buddy with my children and each time I do I might just smile!
I hope you are all having a lovely weekend, I’ll be back later to check in on blogs (sorry I’ve had troubled internet connection, a kind Canadian friend let me use her computer to check emails but I’m very behind on blogs!) and show some pictures of my hike in Dartmoor.
I’ll end with this:
To Every Thing There is a Season – Ecclesiastes 3. 1-8
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace
Thank you Lord for making me wait for that which I will truly cherish – motherhood!
After reading your post, I am crying. I never cry. That would have been unacceptable. I love how you credit God for knowing you well enough to know you needed to break free of what your mother instilled in you before you could have kids. It sounds like you have been a wonderful mothering soul for this little one and for all little ones that might cross your path.
God Bless
Connie, crying wasn’t acceptable in my house growing up either!
Thank you for your kind words.
Beautiful post.
(((HUGS))) You have brought a lump to my throat, you will be a super mum when you time comes and yes in the meantime, what a wonderful inspiration you are for any little ones in your care.
(((HUGS))) You have brought a lump to my throat, you will be a super mum when your time comes and yes in the meantime, what a wonderful inspiration you are for any little ones in your care.
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Your post makes me sad for your childhood.
While I probably could have benefited from more structure and self-discipline as a child, I had free run to explore the natural world. We had woods, a creek, small cornfields around us, and a dog who would go anywhere with us. We climbed trees, built forts in the woods, got dirty, chewed on stalks of grass, skinned our knees, picked wildflower bouquets, got stung by all manner of insect, and ran around unsupervised both day and night in the summers. It was just the way things were for me back then, but I see now that those quotidian, unstructured experiences of nature really had a profound effect on my values and on who I grew up to be.
On the other hand, I was never made to stick with any pursuit or area of study. So I’m quite prone to laziness. I wish every child could have the best of both our upbringings.
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That is such a beautiful post … a delight to read and it made me feel warm inside
As a mother who is trying to give her daughter a natural and free upbringing, it reminded me of ‘why’ we have chosen this path. Not that I ever really doubt it, but sometimes if we are faced with other children who have the ballet lessons, the extra school lessons, the ‘structure’ I do occasionally wonder (just ever so slightly!) inside if I am doing the best for my child. I think the main thing for me is that I want my daughter to grow up with a hunger for the world, with an appetite for life and with a belief in love … both family and for herself one day. I also cherish the moments we all have together just kicking back and looking at flowers. I don’t want to make her into anything, I want her to be strong enough in her heart that she is who she is meant to be naturally. I do believe you can have a ‘balance’ – I ran free but still had ballet lessons etc, but ultimately our focus is on ‘time’ … time together so that she always feels that strong family bond and that will give her the confidence to go forward in life (we hope).
Just 5 years ago I resigned myself and actually professed a happiness, for the fact that I would never be a mother. But it came, and it came at the right time in my life. Motherhood is a wonderful gift and I believe wholeheartedly that you will be a mother yourself one day and that you will be a great mother, too
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Remember to make sure your children’s father has the same expectations about family life. I married a man who appeared to be dedicated to his first child but proved to be hopeless when it came to even talking with our children let alone spending time with them. From what you have described about your time with the little one it seems your children will learn to love life. I also believe in letting a child learn more from life than a structured, set course but it is still necessary to have values and the best place to learn these is in the Bible.
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Great post – and I think the vast majority of parents honestly believe they’re doing the very best for their child, whatever style of parenting they choose. Reminds me too of that wonderful Philip Larkin poem, This Be The Verse. As a teenager my language occasionally altered to fit in with whatever was ‘in’ at the time, and my father’s refrain would be: “I haven’t spent thousands of pounds on your education so you can speak like you’ve come from the gutter” !!
You will be a wonderful mom! Loved your descriptions of your days with your friend’s 3 year old.
Wonderful post Frugal.
It’s surprising how much children teach us about ourselves xxx
Frugal, I have to agree with Cherrie. Be sure to really take the time to see how your future husband will be with children. My husband wanted children so badly but now that we are blessed with a wonderful son he is so “tuned out”. He doesn’t play with him or take him and do things with him as father & son. He is 3 1/2 and needs more dad time. He’s not a terrible dad but he sure could improve. I could have all the conversations possible but it doesn’t seem to help. It’s frustrating and makes me fel like a single parent most of the time. While he does care for him on the evenings I work, he’s just not “present” enough.
I grew up much like Kate. We had no real rules or structure. It was good for me to learn to amuse myself and learn independence but I also yerned for more structure & attention such as a set bedtime, rules, ensuring my homework was done etc. I was a good kid and always did my homework, went to bed at a reasonable time but I didn’t feel like my mother cared enough, especially as a teenager.
There’s got to be some balance. I don’t want to over schedule my son. So far he takes swimming classes once a week. I plan to enroll him in TaeKwonDo over the next year at some point as we can afford it because I think it will be good for him. When he starts school I hope to be able to be involved in his school work, and get to know his friends. I want our home to be a welcoming place for him to gather with his buddies so I know where he is and what he’s up to!
I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I’ll do the best I can. I know you will be a wonderful parent when God blesses you with a family of your own. I so enjoy reading about your adventures with the children. It helps me to step back and reflect on the job I’m doing.
*HUGS* Melanie
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made me cry too. in a good way. I think I have read that you have a good relationship with your mother. I dont know, but perhaps she was doing everything she could to give you things she never had. am sure you forgive her anyway, most mothers do their best. funnily enough now that I am a mother, I am realising more and more what a great mum mine was. Not perfect and I could easily moan about a great many things. But I learnt so much and had a lovely lovely childhood. In the country, lots of freedom. I think some of that freedom was because there were so fewer cars on the road. Its not safe now around my parents house!! I used to set off in the morning on my bicycle with a packed lunch…..
I so hope you find motherhood soon. You will be a fab mum. I so absolutely love it. I wish I had started sooner. I had no idea how much I would like it. I am so so lucky to have my wonderful son. I just wish I could have 3 more!! or even just one more…. but such is life and I am blessed with one at least!
have you considered child minding as a job? in the meantime, or even to continue when you have your own? i look after a friends little boy one day a week now. its great actually. not the most money in the world, but if it is something you enjoy??? xx you write very well, anyway, perhaps an outcome of your splendidly priviledged education? thanks for sharing
me again, funnily enough when I grew up my parents were suddenly extremely poor. We had to move to the country and live in a rambiling falling down old cold house. But we learned to make our own fun, my mum made bread, made stock, sewed our clothes, taught me to sew…. all the things these frugal blogs write about! And another thing, a friend of mind used to work as a nanny to very rich people, and she always maintained that a priviledged child was one who had a loving family. She met mothers who were phobic of their own children! Can you imagine? My Husband disagrees as his childhood was very very poverty stricken and he thinks wealth is important. But I think its love that is the real wealth and makes for a happy childhood / home.
Amen.
I pray that very soon you will be given the great gift of motherhood.
God bless
Stella
Beautiful post and thoughts, FT. And the bible quoation was just what I needed to read right now – thank you!
I loved reading this. I’m trying to find a good balance for my two boys. They have a lot of structure, but now I feel that it’s actually fairly moderate compared to what you describe. I do hope we can do something about their manners, however. Maybe a trip to the UK! Makes me laugh to recognize how uncouth we will all seem.
I think we mother in ways that we wish we had been mothered. My mother wished that she had been more encouraged in her education and ambition, so she ‘encouraged’ me. I always felt I fell short of her expectations.
What I wanted was to have my mother home with me when I was sick instead of being bundled off to a neighbor. I wanted to have someone play with me. So I stayed home with my children and played with them…did I do it for them or for me? We use what we learn from our experiences and do the best we can.
FT, reading your thoughts is very affirming to me. Thank you.
This is a beautiful post. Even though I’m not religious. I think you’re going to be a great mom.
It’s tough these days to follow your own path. I feel somehow deficient in not signing up my 3-year old at the best schools, the music classes, and the gym classes. But I remind myself that I didn’t have all that stuff either. He’s a happy, healthy, 3-year old boy who gets to play in the dirt and make up games at his home daycare. So he’s not learning French…big deal.
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thanks for writing such an insightful post. I wish that I could show this post to some of the parents of the teens I work with. They just are so over scheduled and the family priorities are just so skewed. I see some teens who are self harming and suicidal and still some of the parents can’t fit their appointment in around their music and sporting commitments… I just don’t understand it at all.
You will be a wonderful mum
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i think *exactly* the same way as you … motherhood is on hold for me FOR A REASON — so i could be fortunate enough to learn from children first, through teaching and babysitting. i can’t imagine where i’d be as a mom without having had these lessons, and being schooled in the montessori/waldorf philosophies!
by the way, can you email me your address over the ocean? i’d like to send you that cookbook! karbear1103@yahoo.com.
thanks, dear, and enjoy your time with that 3-year-old … they slow me down, too … i always feel calmer after working with that age group.
“The last few years have given me so many opportunities to break free from my own childhood and think & reflect on the type of mother I want to be, free from others expectations and instead focused on meeting my own children’s needs & expectations, whenever that may be.”
I honestly believe this. If I’d had children in my twenties I would have simply been an extension of my parent’s upraising. I’m glad I read your parenting perspective … so many bloggers focus on the financial implications of raising a child instead of the day to day joys and intertwinings
FT, this post touched my heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a hurry to get to be a mother. I’ve longed for it all of my life. But like you, I know there were so many lessons I had to learn before becoming the best one I could be. I also cherish the time I’ve had with my husband before having children (5 years together). I honestly think that I am now ready. I think within a year’s time we’ll be making the decision to have a baby. Right now I’m working on getting myself healthier physically, which is just as important as the emotional growing I’ve done. Thanks for reminding me of why it’s not only OK, but important to wait for the right time. (((HUGS)))
I know this is a late response but I read this post a little while ago and it reminded me of a reading I came across many years ago. Have you ever read ‘The Prophet’ by the lebanese writer Kahil Gibran? If you haven’t, I think you would find it interesting. It’s written in verse style. One of the sections is on children:
“And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
- Speak to us of children!
And he said:
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
-I think these words speak a lot to the need for children to live their own lives and for parents not to impose their own unlived agenda on the child’s life. I know this is difficult for parents to do but I think it’s such a profound thing to recognise – that the child has a right to self-determination.
BTW I had this verse and the verse related to marriage read out my wedding! That’s how significant I thought they were.
What a wonderful post. You’ll be more than amother; you’ll be a mum/my.
Thanks for writing about this. I also know I want kids but have to wait a while. I agree that everything happens for a reason and i’m glad you’re seeing this lesson; i think we could all do with a reminder to just stop sometimes.
Thansk for posting.
~Rose.
Hi FT,
Did you ever think of being a foster parent?
!!!!!!!!
There are so many children in need of a loving home!!
I was a foster mom for 8 years and now everytime i read your blog, i,m saying to my self “she would be the most loving,caring& patient foster mom”
Foster care needs you