Kathryn, a long time reader of this blog sent me a question by email last night and since I thought it an important one and since my head is all over the place and I can’t buckle down to do work at the moment, I thought I’d answer it! Above is a photo that always makes me feel at peace – a picture I took when last in Cornwall.
FT, there are two questions I’ve always wanted to ask you. Firstly, how do you manage to stay so up-beat and positive? I mean you’ve got some medical issues, I can tell you would desperately love to be married with children, you have recently left your job, you seem to constantly be doing things for other people, don’t you ever just feel like you’d like someone to do something for you or don’t you ever feel discouraged or negative? How do you do it?
Kathryn, I’m so sorry to you & my readers if I ever gave the impression that I am always happy because I really am a pretty normal person with a whole range of emotions! Your question is very timely because I have an example from the past 24 hours to share which will illustrate it completely. Last night was the final study session at the Church I belong to. One thing I find with the Church is that they are very focused on providing for certain groups in need and while I support that fully, they often overlook the needs of singles, those married who are suffering infertility or hardship, the elderly etc. The groups they focus on have meals provided for 2-3 weeks, but I know of people truly suffering who get nothing. I have been in hospital and not had even a visitor. Tonight it did really bother me, I could feel myself tensing up so when I finished I decided I needed to make a choice either get past my stress at what they don’t do and instead continue to provide for where I see need OR let it eat away at me and cause stress. In the end I can only raise awareness and be in control of my actions which means I will continue to be the change I’d like to see!
I then popped round to check on a friend, she made a comment about why she doesn’t understand why I’ve worked so hard & been such a “good girl”, she illustrated that we are the same age and because she got pregnant and gave up her job, she got a new flat worth £175,000 from the council, which she pays about £275 a month in rent (housing association) but would cost me £750 a month (privately) in rent. She pointed out all the areas she gets for free because she got pregnant that I will have to pay for – prescription medication, leisure activities, rent, free childcare 2 days a week etc. Again, I have two choices, I could be resentful and wish I had made different choices (which I don’t!) or I can decide that the reality is I’m proud that all I have I’ve worked for myself, that I don’t rely on anyone to pay my bills or clothe me (or my children in due course!) and that while it might mean I need to wait longer than I’d like to have children, there is real pride & appreciation for when it finally does happen.
After visiting my friend I went to do the grocery shop and bumped into a wealthy couple I know. We got chatting and they told me about how anyone these days needs at least £75,000 income in order to have a family, that you need to have a good £100,000 in the bank (at least!) before you even think of becoming parents, that kids are just so expensive that they are stopping at two etc! My first thought, was “oh no I doubt I/we would ever be in that position, how will it be possible”, then I questioned whether I made the right decision about the job, quickly picked up a Guardian to have a look for new jobs etc. I then forced myself to stop right in the centre of the aisle and say to myself “find peace”. I counted to 10, focused on my breathing and put things in perspective. That couple shared THEIR opinion and it is only that, an opinion, not fact. Plenty of well-adjusted, wonderful families raise children on a lot less and plenty of dysfunctional families raise children on a lot more 
I thought of my little inspirations and made myself think of 3 things that made me able to parent them, not one of those was money! I admitted that you need enough but that there are very distorted views of what enough is. I thought of a couple I know who bought a teeny tiny bungalow (seriously the smallest house I’ve ever seen), he works 8-4 earning £11,000 a year, she works evenings earning £8,000 a year. They have two wonderfully adjusted, bright, happy, cared for children who do not want for anything. They have plenty of day trips and time with their parents who I doubt will ever have £50,000 in the bank! I then prayed that I would not focus on other people’s opinions and instead focus on what is right and I felt instantly at peace. I then continued on with my shop
I came home to check on my Co-op blog and found someone had posted that I’d only lost 1lb so far – perhaps insinuating I shouldn’t therefore be posting about frugal weightloss. I think at times people forget that when you blog/write you only share what there is time for, often leaving out bits & pieces along the way, I share far more here on my personal blog then the co-op one. I could let the comment upset me, or I could know that firstly there is no shame in losing 1 lb and secondly I know that I have already lost weight (& kept it off) and that I have had this journey before (before the mess of hormones) and followed my tips for healthy weight loss and done very well. Again, I’m bringing the focus back to me & my actions – keeping them truthful, accountable, honorable, kind & needs lead. My faith helps me a great deal in remembering what is important, that it is not other people’s approval I am seeking…!
As I’ve mentioned I’m teaching tomorrow and was only given the topic last night (!) I’ve now had to re-arrange my plans for today in order to some how fit in time to research, plan, put a presentation together, get group work together, print etc. I’ve been asking for my topic for 2 weeks now, but for whatever reason I wasn’t given it. I could get frustrated (and I was initially) but I don’t know the events behind why they were so delayed. It could simply be that the person I liaise with was overwhelmed or had things going on personally, so I’ve accepted the situation, changed plans and reminded myself how important it is to be flexible.
Finally this am, I went swimming for an hour and got kicked in the face (ouch!), came back to where I lodge and found that my pumpkin butter which I’d saved for had been moved from the fridge to the cupboard and had gone off, my Food Dr seeds had disappeared and when I made a very minor comment which was “have you see my seeds” I got spoken to very rudely, snapped at/shouted at “really FT (although they used my real name ) if you can’t remember where you put things, no husband will keep you” ! Of course, people pick on your own areas of weakness/concern when they are mad and it did upset me, my lip/nose and cheek were still sore from the kick, I had hardly any sleep last night, I have an afternoon of teaching to prepare by 1pm today (that’s the time admin needs it so it can be put on the internal database). There was a point where I thought I was going to cry! Of course the second comment “why don’t you pray to your God to find those seeds since you believe in that rubbish” didn’t help! But again, I’m focusing on calming myself down, making myself accept they probably were having a bad day and while it isn’t OK to take it out on someone there isn’t much I can do about it now!
So yes Kathryn, I certainly have bad days. There have been weeks where all I’ve been able to think about is whether I’m good enough for someone to marry (medical conditions do wonders to your self esteem!), whether I’ll be a mum, whether I will ever be a home owner and have that garden I’d so love. But you know what? Those weeks are bad weeks because I allow them to be. It doesn’t mean I won’t occasionally have the need to share my frustrations but there’s a whole lot I can do every day to count my blessings. So instead I:
1. Focus on how blessed I am – these past 24 hours have left me feeling tired but I’ve successfully been able to drive to 3 or 4 places with no car accidents, I’ve been able to do my weekly grocery shop, I had an uplifting email from a great friend who lives far away and I’ve lost more weight (I’ll update totals tonight).
2. Put things in perspective – I sponsor 2 children overseas, all I need to do is look at their photographs and make myself see things through global lenses rather than western world ones.
3. Pray – as a Christian, when I bring my frustrations, sadness, joy etc to God, well I feel peace! I simply need to make more time for this.
4. Remember life is a journey not a race – I’m often in a race to accomplish the big things when actually the little things each and every day are what give me the skills that I’ll need for those big things!
5. Be honest about my life, challenges & joys to keep myself accountable. I do this by sharing with friends, praying and blogging
And suddenly, it doesn’t seem so bad!
life can be very difficult sometimes, however one neednt get overwhelmed with negative, just like you manage to do. if there is one thing we humans have its our brain and when we useit its a wonderful tool, when we become a slave to it, it can be a nightmare. the trick is to take control of our thoughts and guide THEM., not the other way round. applause for you ft.
Well said FT.
FT – I read your post with interest. I think blogs only show a snapshot of what is happening in the writer’s life and of course everyone has bad days and I think your points about your bad days have been written so eloquently and honestly.
The thing is, it’s so easy sometimes to get pulled into things about what we should have, when we should have it, how we should go about it. The best thing, like you say, is to take a broader look at things and focus on what you do have. You will most certainly get to your goals.
Before I met my hubby I broke off several long-term relationships/engagements and everyone said I was mad “the clocks ticking – you’ll never find what you’re looking for” etc etc. Well, I didn’t listen instead I took the world on, stayed true to myself and now I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter and dog and I didn’t have to make ANY compromises. Oh, and by the way – we live on WAY LESS than the figures listed above!!!!!! and I’d like to think that we are one of the happiest families I know
Take care and stay focused!
the man that marries our beloved FT is a wise and lucky one. i am sorry you had such a crap day
Hi FT, what a wonderful post. I love the way you rationalise everything back to the way you believe which is exactly what I have started to do. You are doing an amazing job bettering yourself, mind, body, spirit. I feel so similar about alot of things – I am 25 and have the same yearning for marriage and kids and it dawned on me in the recent months – would I marry myself with who I am now or would I marry the person I want to be? And as each day comes and go’s I’m making a big effort to make myself who I want to be *hugs you*
You are such an inspiration. And yeah, sorry about the crap day! I need to get better about praying and centering myself when things get nuts, too. <3
If it wasn’t for my faith I don’t think I would be sane – I can look and the world and see the big picture. No matter how bad things seem – I know that everything is undercontrol. That makes me feel at peace.
I like you would love to get married and have a family but as I get older that looks less likely to happen.
I too sponser some kids and have been lucky enought to meet them (if you every can you really should go and see your kids!!). I helps me feel that I can make a difference if only in a very small way to make the world a better place.
I have god children whom I am able to pass on all the lessons I have learned (the hard way) in life, which is a great blessing.
Some times the narrow way is very resricting when society makes it so easy to go the other way. But it is the only way to get to where I want to go.
I happen to think you are awesome! You have given so much thought to what you want in life and have the courage to pursue your dreams. I think alot of people are likely envious of you. Pay no attention to the naysayers! When it comes right down to it, your opinion is really the only one that matters.
I wish I could say I think there is a set time for everything….but well I don’t….. I believe God has a time for everything for everyone.
I got married young at 21…we had our first child at 24 and our second at 27. We bought our first house and then our second….and guess what we didn’t have any money in the bank for any of these things…. We just left it up to God. We trusted He knew the plan and we try to follow His lead and not our own….
Much Love!!!!
~Renee
gardendesk.com
Dear FT
As an older reader (well, middle aged anyway) I look at your blog lists and I end up feeling really exhausted. I don’t know how you manage to do everything especially with your health problems.
I know that for all of us who are trying to make real changes in our lives, it is good to have these goals but I wonder if you are just trying to change too much in one go and not leaving enough room for things to just happen.
I have found in my own life, how fruitful it is to just give yourself the time to listen to what God is trying to say, and maybe He just can’t get a word in!
Your Church sounds as if it is very “active”. Don’t assume that being involved in all of these activities is the only way to strengthen your faith. Allow yourself to be open to meeting other sincere Christians who you may come across outside of your own Church situation. God is good in that way. He will bring good souls into your life in the most unexpected ways. You just have to be able to recognise it when that happens.
As for meeting someone special to share your life with – well, no one knows what waits round the corner. You could meet someone tomorrow.
Good luck, and thank you for sharing with us.
Love, Stella
Hope your lodging arrangements are working out OK FT? I read your post and whilst I greatly admire how you’re living, the things that happened in your lodgings brought back bad memories for me of all the flatsharing/renting difficulties I went through.
I think I was just plain unlucky in some instances (because I did meet some good people along the way) but I’ve never forgotton how stressful it was living with people who were inconsiderate of others needs. I hope your place is working out for you.
I agree with Renee – there’s a time set for everything. My first child arrived when I was 21 and still a student. My husband and I coped though, and I think we’ve probably coped better than a couple with w double income would cope with coming down to a single income. We didn’t have the huge outgoings, you see.
As long as there is food on the table, clothes on their backs and lots of love to go around, children don’t want for much. That’s my philosophy, and my children seem very happy in our family!
Hi FT…..I pretty much agree with everything you’re saying, I too try to turn things around to a positive, and know that change has to start with me.
But I just feel you’re getting more than your fair share of being “kicked in the face”, and rationalising other people’s very rude and often disrespectful behaviour to let them off the hook. I really think it’s ok to ‘hiss’ a little….I’m thinking of the person where you lodge who was so rude….you don’t have to be rude or shout back, but it’s ok to say something like “I don’t appreciate your speaking to me like that”.
Likewise with the topic for your teaching assignment, I think it’s ok to let whoever know that you would appreciate more notice next time as you have to have time to be prepared.
Maybe you could gently let your church know how you felt about not having visitors, or if that’s a bit hard, suggest ways of including more people on the ‘help’ list. Or if that doesn’t work, as Stella suggested, find another church or group of people that is more to your liking.
Ask yourself why is the other person’s right to be respected and treated well more important than yours.
I don’t say it’s easy to speak up for ourselves, and people don’t usually like it, but I’ve found when I’m doing things like ” calming myself down, making myself accept they’ve had a bad day or whatever”, it’s a red flag for me, something I need to look at, or perhaps to act on.
If we don’t let people know how their behaviour affects us, then they don’t have an opportunity for growth either. You’re using a lot of energy to find reasons to excuse them, and swallowing down your distress at their thoughtlessness. If you don’t respect yourself enough to speak up, no-one else is going to either.
I read your blog all the time, and I love the way you live your life with intent, with love, that you strive to be positive and recognise and express gratitude for your blessings….and I love your honesty in telling it like it is, I’m sure you’re voicing what a lot of us are struggling with.
Blessings
FT, I can’t get past your having been in the hospital with no visitors. I want you to know that I thought of you many many times during your hospitalization and wished you well. I feel certain that many many of your readers were as concerned for you as I was!
Regarding the 1 pound weight loss: I learned in Weight Watchers that .5 to 1 pound per week is ideal. Anything greater than that is likely to slow your metabolism and cause a person to have stagnant weight loss or even gain weight!
You are a very smart and capable young woman and you know how to care for yourself. Don’t listen to naysayers!
Hello again FT
Last week I went into our local Catholic Church, to spend a few quiet moments. I picked up the latest newsletter and read that March 19th was St Joseph’s day. The article went on to say that by strong tradition St Joseph is invoked by women seeking a good husband.
I’ve no idea whether asking a saint to intercede would be something that you would be comfortable with, but I just thought I would pass it on.
This blog’s great!! Thanks
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FT, You are very mature in your outlook on life. We are responsible for our actions and we DO have control over that. Praying through situations helps me a lot…let go…let God! I really appreciate your blog.
An inspiring post
I especially like your first point. I agree with you. It’s sometimes the things that we can see that aren’t being provided for people that we are in fact being called to do something about!
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Sarah
http://www.craigslisttool.info
Silent lurker form Australia, but I’ve dropped by regularly to see what you’ve been up to.
Since you had such a bad run of things previously, I thought I’d offer my positive experience for reflection. I came from a broken family, I barely knew my dad and when I got diabetes at 15 I thought no-one would ever want to marry me.
That was my motto – who would want to marry me and all my problems?
Turned out I married a great guy with his own problems. Not so obvious ones as mine, but we complemented each other nicely. There were ups and downs, but we’ver persevered and grown closer. He and I were both broken, but together we were able to heal.
There was a time I didn’t think I’d be able to have chidlren either. My second motto was, I’ll never be able to have kids. And after 5 years of trying to conceive a baby, I’d given up hope completely. Remarkably we fell pregnant the next month and life changed for us again. We now have a six year old daughter, that we’re very proud of.
As a family we live on less than $50,000 (Australian) a year and pay off our small acerage. The point is, back then I never thought I’d have any of it. Unlike you, I was probably my own worst enemy – willing to critcise myself than accept my situation.
God had patience with me though, and in his own time revealed what all the hard lessons could bring with perseverence. There are days I still worry about my health, but I’ve had an incredible life. Any life *lived* is truly an incredible one.
I’m sure the plans God has for you are still unravelling. You certainly have a better head on your shoulders than I did!
I’m glad you found peace with the day