Last month I spent time with a good friend, she welcomed me into her beautiful home and for the first 12 hours I continually had thoughts running through my mind like if only I could afford a home like this, maybe if I applied for a new job I too could live like this and if I was just stronger then maybe I could work more hours and in a few years buy a regal period home and have hardwood floors, Cath Kitson galore etc!
Only 12 hours later, I started to see it all through different coloured lenses. I was able to see that part of the attraction to the home wasn’t the size of the home or really how it was decorated (seriously, the curtains for 1 window were over £1000 = $1800) it was that she had her own space, a home to call her own. The reality is it could have been 1/4th the size and have basic Ikea curtains and been just as special to me. I also realized that I wouldn’t want to work 50 hours a week for the next 14 years in order to have such a home (my friend is 14 years older than me) and thirdly, despite the fact she is one of the most giving, kind, wonderful people she is alone. There is no doubt that her pretty high powered career has made it hard to meet the right guy and it certainly has prevented her from engaging in activities and hobbies. I have never believed being single is anything less than being in a couple, but I do think it is hard to go through life (single or in a relationship) where you feel unloved. It is something I have struggled with for a very long time and certainly not something I want to continue. So over a 12 hour period, I found a range of emotion and settled with “I’d rather have less to have more of the really important things”.
So how do we manage our financial expectations when confronted with friends & family who have a lot more:
1. Remember your faith and your values – I find remembering what life is truly about, is such a good reminder to focus my priorities on being thankful, loving, serving others and trusting I am provided with what I need.
2.Blog about it – there is nothing greater for accountability then exploring your emotions, reflecting on your thought process’ and sharing those with other like minded people.
3. Ask yourself whether you would want to swap lives with that person? However much I like my friend, I’m happier with my faith, my simple life and hope to get married and have children.
4. Remember situations can change – I can’t afford a house right now, now isn’t forever!
5. Make the best of what you have – I’m making changes (oh how I wish I could blog about them – I will once they’re official) and while I am currently staying with family while I recover, this isn’t ideal so I’m looking into other options.
6. Remember beyond happy exteriors are often stories of real grief! Money, while it may make things easier, does not prevent people feeling lonely, sad, or unloved. I think we often read blogs of the wealthy and think they have the “perfect life” it really and truly is not so, many people only blog about the good stuff, but life simply isn’t like that!
7. Do practical things to give yourself a daily reminder of just how blessed you are – make a gratitude list, write down 3 things each night you are thankful for, say grace etc.
8. Find a community of like minded people – blogging is great, but it is also important to find people you can meet up with that share your values. This can be hard but you never know who is around the corner! A friend of mine who I speak to about such things is a friend from Uni who despite graduating with the highest average in her program of over 200 people, has chosen to work in a job without huge responsibilities and only works 23 hours a week, this leaves her time to volunteer, visit friends, help out (unpaid!) a friend with a disability, take courses etc.
9. Give – giving is so much better than receiving. Every single time I read an update from my sponsor children I remember how blessed I am and how good it feels to share those blessings. It gives me the perspective (one of the children I sponsor is now getting the medication she needs to keep her alive, yes it is that basic in rural and impoverished Ethiopia!), how much better it feels knowing she gets my £20 a month then it would spending that money on Cath Kitson or Emma Bridgewater!!
10. Allow yourself to feel a range of emotions – it is “normal” to have emotions, we are human afterall! Sometimes people expect us to be “iron” in our emotions, but the reality is we need to feel what we need to feel and then learn to put it in perspective. When I first began this journey, I might have felt upset about something (finance wise) for many days at a time, now I see it doesn’t last more than 12 hours if that, what an improvement!!
Yes, however lovely it was to be in such a lovely home, I know what I hope my future holds and to be honest I’d be pretty happy to be in a small terrace house, with a man whom I love and who loves me (who would make a great husband and father), children (I hope through birth and adoption), allotments, giving and simply a whole lot of family time.
I recently picked up an old issue of Good Housekeeping and it featured three people, 1 with an income bracket over £50,000 (approx over $90,000 US) who was a single woman, the next an income bracket of over £30,000 (approx $50,000 US) a woman who also had her husband’s income so in total probably over $100,000 US and finally a couple in their mid-30′s with 2 young children, with an income of about £17,000 ($32,000 US). They had, as a family of 4 only £100 a month for food, only £20 a month for entertainment, children’s needs and clothing and yet of all the people featured they gave the most to charity and were by far the happiest. What a great reminder, that really life is about love.
I’ll leave with this.
No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.
- Matthew 6:24 (ESV)
For those that don’t believe in God, you can certainly think of it as family, life, relationships etc. I genuinely believe we can not serve both!
I can understand wanting your own home, there is nothing like it in this world. Doesn’t matter the size or the look (though dream home would be nice), its that it is yours totally.
Thanks Fiona! That is my sentiments exactly!
I wish I’d realised No 6 much earlier in my life!
I came across a “perfect” life blog the other day .. … for a moment I thought “gosh how lovely” then I thought “oh dear”!! It reminded me of when I went to Universal Studios in the States …. those back lots with the perfectly formed facade and nothing behind them.
Our own home – be it ever so simple – ‘aint nothing to beat it. Reminds me of someone I know who always seemed to be upgrading her homes whilst I – once I’d arranged it was content to let it weather and age. My house gets shabbier but I love it and sadly she has been declared bankrupt but still planning trips abroad etc.
I always bless my childhood with not much money and war-time shortages. Now I’m thankful for what we have and if our bank balance is being decimated by the Recession we can cope.
I agree with absolutely everything you’ve written there.
When it comes to feeling emotion, I think it’s important to accept that we DO sometimes feel envy and that it isn’t always a bad thing as long we’re not actually wishing the other person didn’t have whatever we envy. Sometimes envy can help drive us forward. When I find myself feeling envious about something I always ask myself “what would I need to give up in order to have this?” Everything has its price and regardless of how much I might find myself envying others their material wealth, I know that the things I’d need to give up in order to have those things are actually far more precious to me.
Great post and a timely reminder!
Hi there-a very inspirational and thoughtful post, being part of a loving family is the most important thing in the world.
“I’d rather have less to have more of the really important things”.
I agree. It’s something I remind myself of daily.
I understand what you mean! We live in a house owned and formerly lived in by my in-laws! That means every time we go to sink a nail or paint a wall it is scrutinized and eyebrows are raised. I have NEVER once felt at home here. I’ll keep trying to remind myself why we are here and strive to reach our goals.
I agree.
My husband is a Pharmacist so people have the misconception that we are loaded. Yes we are blessed financially to be able to afford things like a nice home and go on holidays but we do it wisely. Our cars are at least 10 years old and his…well it’s seen better days. Our treasures are not here! (Matthew 6: 19-24) I would NEVER pay over 1,000 USD to buy curtains – that’s a car and a little extra would be a nice car. You can have nice things without paying a ridiculous price for them, you just have to be willing to wait it out and do some research. Simple things = happiness at least for me.
I love your posts- they help to center & re-focus me & always, always make my day better- thank you so much
I couldn’t agree more!!! Making $100,000/year, with a 3-storey home and children in private school (unless it’s for value/religious reasons), should not determine your self-worth.
Thank-you for the reminder!!!
I love our little terraced home with its vintage / second hand finds. I love my son more than anything. I had to leave him today to do a days work. I missed him SO MUCH!!
I find I have to do the reevaluate juggle. Do I want those new boots. Or are my old ones fine – because I would have to spend another day away from my son to get them……
ft, as always you hearten and inspire me.
Thank you for this post! I’ve been struggling exactly with this (the want to have a beautiful home of my own, envying friends for their amazing apartments) and your post was/is a wonderful reminder of what i s important in this life! Hope you’re getting better soon.
PS. And I have fresh flowers on my table, they brighten up any room and cost about 2 pounds (and keep for a whole week).
Thanks for such a wonderful reminder! One of my stuggles is also house envy. But, like you, it is not for a bi, nicely decorated house. It is simply for a place of my own to call home.
I (finally) started a gratitude journal a few weeks ago in which I write down 3 things I am thankful for every day. No matter the kind of day I had, I can *always* find 3 things for which to give thanks. It truly is eye-opening.
I once saw a front door mat that read: “Be it ever so mortgaged, there’s no place like home”.
We are renting at the moment because we do not want a huge mortgage that will force me to go to work instead of looking after our daughter. There are times I really long for a home of my own – especially when I see some beautiful homes that my friends have created.
Your post is (as always) a great inspiration to continue on our journey and stay true to our ideals.
Emma
BTW – thanks for your comments too. Very appreciated.
Thank you for sharing that verse. It’s very powerful.
As someone who works with people & credit everyday, it’s hard not to focus on money. I certainly don’t think I put it before God, but it sure can be hard to maintain perspective sometimes.
It’s so important to give thanks for what we DO have, rather than focusingon the wants. Those wants don’t feel so good when they come attached to a large credit card bill. While I’d enjoy a larger kitchen and a nice soaker tub, my little house serves our family well and it’s affordable. I’m grateful to be blessed with it.
I hope you are feeling well. : )
I have owned a home and lost a home, and I would give anything to be owning again. Be it ever so humble theres no place like home.
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great post, i think just like you!!
What a great post! Goodluck with your making changes – I can’t wait until you can share them with us
You have a great outlook on life!
Maureen, I also have had a home & lost a home. It was tough at the time. It took several years to be able to buy again. I try not to look back with regrets. Not having that home anymore allowed me to travel, to take classes, and to learn how to manage my money. Now that I have a home again, I appreciate it so much more.
Good luck to you!
What an inspiring post…I will admit, I have tears welling up in my eyes. Thank you for your words and sharing them with us. Blessings, Heather
You are absolutely right that “no man can serve two masters.”