A few posts ago I discussed how getting out of debt & downshifting had changed my heart. I have seen a process where I’ve become more home centered, more giving and am learning what it means to give my time, money & energy with a joyful heart. Writing the post, plus a discussion with my best friend made me realize that getting out of debt & downshifting has also lead to other changes, so I thought I’d share them.
I think that the majority of modern women suffer from exhausted woman syndrome. While our grandmothers and great-grandmothers before us certainly worked in the home (clothing had to be washed by hand, trips to the market often meant walking for miles in any kind of weather, there was often little to eat and all meals had to be made by scratch) but it was a different type of work, not necessarily easier, but different. Today, there are many reasons why you would think our lives are easier – most of us have cars, or access to good public transport to take us where we want to go, many use disposable diapers & wipes (although personally I’m a stickler for cloth!), we have washing & drying machines plus dishwashers, we have vacuums and microwaves, easy to make meals, take-out, drive through, internet grocery shopping and plastic cards to put the things we can’t afford on. Only the modern life of working 9-12 hour days in offices, living very sedentary routines, rushing out in cars & vans to pick up prescriptions, grab lunch out, hit the bank, go to the gym, drive our children to swimming, dancing, karate, gymnastics and tennis programs, spending hours each day & evening behind our computer screens often means we are spending our lives at meetings, constantly staring at screens or rushing in our cars to buy things and take people places. There was a blog I read by an American woman struggling with debt, but every single entry was about “today after work I took the kids to Kroger, then we had drive through, then we went to the movies” etc etc etc. Honestly reading it made my head spin! Not only was it very easy to see why she couldn’t get out of debt, but her life was simply exhausting. I doubt she ever spent a day at home, or even 1/2 of a day!
The reality is that to function in this world and live a balanced life we do need to partake in activities, most of us have to work and we do have to spend some time away from home, but I would urge us to all take a good long look at our lives, make a map of just how much time you are spending away from home and make some changes. Our homes should be our havens, they should be a place of peace, tranquility, contentment and relaxation, so why do we live so that we are either rarely home or spend the whole time we are home watching tv or sitting behind a computer? When I first began this journey, I noticed that my tv watching increased, then I questions how I could be living the simple life if I was sitting behind yet another screen?
It is hard to make changes, but changing your life to be more home centred, to have less rushing, less driving and more tranquility is oh so worth it. Here is a list of the decisions and changes I made.
1. Look at how often (outside of work hours) you are not home - reality was, often it was 3-4 nights a week and most of the weekend (especially when I had the year with my little inspirations).
2. Make a list of where you are going when you are not at work and not at home – for me it was the shops, activities like the gym etc.
3. Set yourself targets – a bit like no spending days, focus on trying to find times when you can make sure you are at home. I began with Monday evenings and 1 day (either a Saturday or Sunday) where I would be home by 3pm and spend the rest of the day at home, I also started by saying I would only go to the shops 2x a week. What a difference I noticed within a week. Gradually I increased my home time. When I was home with my little inspirations (the youngest 2 were too young for school) I made sure that 2 days a week were home days, those were days we didn’t go to the library, or playgroups or shops, we simply stayed at home making crafts, baking, playing and reading.
4. Find healthy and peaceful alternatives – instead of hitting the gym at the weekend, I started taking a 1.5-2 hour walk every Sunday afternoon either by myself, with friends or family. I leave the music at home and simply reflect on the week, relax, pray, etc.
5. Cut that “blank stare” time- this means computers, tv’s, video games etc. Instead start knitting, reading, doing yoga at home, meditating, praying, talking with your partner or children, playing games etc. I try my very best to limit myself to 1 hour a night of computer time and 1 hour a night of tv time (this includes dvd’s!). We all have the odd lazy day in front of the tv watching old dvd’s or chick flicks and that is fine, but moderation is the key!
6. Prioritize- Discuss with your partner what are the priorities for your family? Maybe the priority is to go out as a family one night a week or watch your son’s football etc. Think realistically about what are the priorities for yourself and your children. Pick 2 or 3 things a week that are must do’s as a family (the weekly shop, a night out together etc) and only focus on those! While I do think children can benefit enormously from activities & hobbies like scouts or music or sport, it should be a piece of their puzzle and your families puzzle not a whole section. Home time, time to discuss things with your parents, learning crafts, cooking, baking, laughing with your parents are just as important and help to build relationships. For me, the priorities outside of work were to volunteer once a week, to attend Church (not something I was doing regularly before, I was too exhausted!), to go out with friends once a week and to swim. So I made a plan. It went something like this.
Mondays – Work, evening at home – try to read, knit, call a friend to catch up etc.
Tuesdays – Work, swim, friend over.
Wednesdays – Work, volunteer evening.
Thursdays – Work, out with friends tonight OR Friday. If not out, then evening at home – knit, read, relax, clean (try to get weekly cleaning done – vacuum, bathrooms, sweep, laundry).
Friday – Work, out with friends tonight OR Thursday night. If not out, then evening at home – knit, read, relax, clean. 1 x a month I have my book group.
Saturday – Swim, grocery shop, try to spend 1-2 hrs in nature walking alone or with friends occasionally meeting for coffee, home by 3pm. Rest of day and evening at home – reading papers, relaxing, yoga @ home, unless a special invitation ;0)
Sunday – Church, try to spend 1-2 hrs in nature walking, listen to Vinyl Cafe, read. 1 x a month I have my knitting club, evening Lark Rise to Candleford & Lost!
8. Learn to Say No – This is very hard at times, in fact this week I decided to say no to a volunteer opportunity because it has changed significantly from what was first advertised and is very computer based and seems to involve daily emails plus the 5 hrs a week work to be done on the computer. After a lot of reflection, thought and prayer I decided it just wasn’t what I needed at this time. It was tough as I enjoy volunteering and like to help out as much as I can, but, I just knew it wasn’t right for me.
9. Get your exercise outside as much as possible- Honestly, I can’t tell you what a difference this made to my exhausted woman syndrome. We are all inside too much, it is stifling. I’ll let you in on a secret, before I started this journey I didn’t really like the outdoors, yes Laura you read that right. But how my heart has changed. I would much rather now spend 2 hours walking in a park, along a canal or even at a push around houses then be yet again indoors, paying money to go to a gym. Yes I do sometimes need to go to the gym especially if we have a spell of bad weather, but I try as much as possible to be outdoors for at least 1 hr a day.
10. Listen to your body – While I think it is very hard to let people down, to make unpopular decisions like telling your children they need to pick 2 activities instead of 4, the reality is we need to listen to our bodies. We need to look at why we are tired, we need to accept when our body wants to be home, we need to acknowledge we are doing too much and we need to see the joy in finding a simpler, home-based life.
None of this is easy, it is certainly a journey, it may involve continual changes until you find the right routine for you. But I urge you all this week to decide to tackle the exhausted woman syndrome by setting your priorities, getting a flexible routine in place, deciding and scheduling home evenings and a home day each weekend (can also be called family day – family based activities at home). It is only by being home and turning off the electronics to we put the energy into healthier eating, peaceful living and simply being. Who knows with the money you save from stopping shopping maybe you’ll be able to cut the number of hours you work too!
What changes can you or have you made? I’d love if you share in the comments!
In the next post, I’ll give out some awards given to me by the lovely Fiona, Sandy and Life In Australia
Photo at the top I took of the Exeter Canal!
p.s. As if by funny conicidence a friend just called, it’s almost 6pm and she’s decided to take her 2 and 4 year old out to visit friends now, hoping they’re bedtime isn’t too late as they’re already tired from the weekend filled with activities and bad temper tantrums. Thankfully she doesn’t know about this blog! ha! Perhaps the next post should be called Exhausted Child Syndrome!
What a great list of steps for simplifying. I am making my goal to get outdoors more, now that the weather is nicer.
I always forget how much I love it outside until I force myself out the door.
Hope your weekend is great!
I know this sounds kind of stupid, but I’ve always wondered what TV less people do with their time. If you don’t watch TV when you get home what else do you do.
But to answer your question our biggest change was to get involved in our church. We didn’t plan it that way when we first started attending but it kind of took over our lives (in a very positive way) So while Saturdays usually are our stay at home watch TV/relax all day, Sundays have become our visit with everyone all day long. Never thought in a million years we’d out the door at 8.30am on a and not getting home till 6 or 7 that night and really enjoying it.
Before the Wife hated to do anything on a Sunday, now we simply love being busy, but it’s doing something we love (her music, me feeling involved in something important).
not sure if this answers your question or not but it’s hard to explain the difference being involved in something has made.
After a recent post.we’re trying to get everything house wise done during the week, leaving the weekend for us.
Looking forward to the weather getting better, so we can get out more at the weekend and in the evening.
I know one of my areas to work out is screen time, TV not so much, but I spend hours on here..
Oh no I got named and shamed
I went outside today, somebody had to put the empty wine bottle in the recycling…lol
I promise, when the weather is warmer I’ll walk at least 5 times a week, outside eek fresh air.
This post and you are simply amazing. You can be my girl valentine. x
Wow, this is so amazing. You’ve obviously changed so much and what a person you’ve become. You, I am sure, inspire us all.
While I’ve always liked stay-at-home time, moving to the country a decade ago brought it to a whole new level. Fifteen miles to the nearest town makes me rethink every trip…is it really necessary?…is it worth the gasoline?…can it wait another day to consolodate trips?
I definitely need to work on turning off the electronic distractions, though.
I completely agree with your views on the children and their activities. My aunt has two children who are constantly doing some activity. She’s always got them in two different places and I could be because she too is married to a Pharmacist but I prefer not to be the “Stepford Wife.” I don’t have children yet but I find that as my husband and I are trying to save money so that we can afford children we stay at home more often and enjoy each others company. I, need to limit my time to the computer so that I can spend more time with my wonderful husband. You’ve inspired a post out of me which is good since my last post was so sad. I cried all night too.
Yeah and having the hypothyroidism also contributes to my stay at home attitude.
And thank you for your kind words. I really need to work on getting everything in one response.
So true re the screens! I admit to having a rather unhealthy internet addiction, have had for a very long time but I’m working on it!
re TV, strangely enough I found that when we bought a ‘new’ tv for the living room, after not having one there for a while, I actually spend more time *not* watching tv. We spend more time together as it gets us out of our ‘study’s, and often rather than watch what Chris is watching I do the washing up, cook, play with my hamsters, read, etc – whereas before we were shut away from each other far too much.
A lovely, encouraging post!
You listen to Vinyl Cafe! How Canadian of you
I will definately be thinking of this post when I have my son home all next weekend. We almost never get a whole day together and I’m thinking of making playdough.
Wonderful advice. I sit in front of a computer screen all day at work, and then when I come home, it’s all evening of emails, facebook, twitter, blogs etc..
I miss reading, talking with H, and just relaxing all together.
This week I am doing to aim to spend less time in front of my laptop, and more time doing those things I miss!
Thanks for the reminder.
Hello FT! It’s inspiring to see the changes you’ve made. I’m a real home bird, in fact sometimes wild horses wouldn’t drag me out. I ditched the tv when I moved to Cornwall nearly 7 years ago, after nearly 20 years in London, and I’ve rarely missed it. I read a lot, make stuff, love to cook, and a new thing for me, now I knit!! But it’s also essential for me tro get out into nature each and every day, rain or shine. So I walk lots, dogs in tow too.
Have a great week!
What a timely post. This week I have felt so like I’ve been pulled in ten directions. I have an exam coming up for a course I’m taking for my work. I had errands to run, swimming lessons for my son, today was MIL’s birthday dinner and I had 2 days of charity work. I feel so relieved to have the events over with.
Now for the rest of the month I can focus on my exam and hopefully pass it. I also have to focus on clean eating and exercise this month.
I’ve tried hard to find a good work/home balance. I work 3 days/wk but I sometimes take on too much. I refuse to over schecule my son. he has swimming classes 1 morning a week. In April he will start TaeKwondo. I do plan to continue swimming lessons too, but that’s it.
I love having a child, but I sure miss being able to just take off walking with the dogs for a few hours. My son is getting to big for a stroller and not big enough to handle going more than 30 minutes.
I just found your blog today and I’m really enjoying it! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your journey with the world, this post is great.
First off- thanks for replying to my comment.
This is a fabulous post!
I made changes three years ago when we moved from the UK to Canada; I had no friends to socialise with, and no tv to watch.
So I bought a sewing machine and taught myself to sew, then quilt, embroider and knit (I failed at the crochet though!).
Now I do have friends here (still no tv) but usually only spend time with them every other week or so; and then it’s usually dinner and board games in my apartment!
I’ve become a real homebody and I love it; I do have a dance class once a week and a card class once a month and every Sunday my SO and I try and take the bus to a park or beach for the afternoon.
I do want to work on my internet time though; perhaps I should set a timer!
PS I love your photos, sometimes they make me a little homesick as they are so British!
I’ve grown into a real home body and one thing I’ve realised is that to really enjoy just being at home either alone or with your family is that you need to comfortable with yourself because there’s more reflection time. As people become more stressed they’re less likely to feel comfortable with themselves and more likely to seek activities that keeps their minds occupied but are even more stressful and so the ball keeps rolling. It’s such a shame because everybody needs quiet, reflection time.
I love seeing how you have your week set out for you… it’s a really nice balance.
I find I’m a lot more relaxed in the winter, more time at home… then the summer means more work, more social activities… a lot of go go go. I’ll try to find a balance, just like you…
Laura, FT gotta love you two
Hi there-Such a great read, you are so right, we need to be reminded of the more simple pleasures in life and enjoy them more.
You are so right! I’m more of a homebody now than ever before and it is great, good for the soul.
I’m going to take your advice and try to get outside more, fresh air and exercise will hopefully boost my ( 7 months pregnant) flagging energy levels.
What a good post! The truth is we all run around too much, using our cars to take us to more places to buy. Most of my Canadian friends spend hours in the car each day running errands, dropping kids off, going to work. We need to stop. Thanks for the reminder, I like the idea of starting with 1 evening weekdays and 1 day at the weekend, seems a good way to ease into it.
Can I ask you a question. I often find going to Church on Sunday morning a tough one. By then I’m tired and want a morning in bed. How do you ensure you have the energy and aren’t doing it due to guilt etc?
This is just what I needed to read. I’m often out all evening after work, and when home am constantly in front of the computer. I’m going to try to take some of your suggestions this week and improve my quality of life!
Lovely photo on this post.
I’m feeling better today having done my 3 mile walk with Mr Dancing (it included a VERY steep hill). I need to do this on a much more regular basis … now that the snow has gone this is much more likely.
I hibernated in that cold snap … but I did get a lot of knitting done!
You have listed some VERY important priorities …
xx
I spend most of my time at home and love it. Some days I only sit down to eat, but it is a kind of work that feeds the soul and spirit (and the family because I cook A LOT). I much prefer this kind of life to any other.
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