This is part 4, incase you didn’t get the roman numberals ;0) of the series Simple Living and Reducing Stress.
Step 1 was to focus on your finances
Step 4 is all about relationships!
Whether you are single, dating or married, an only child, a parent or not, we all have relationships! We have relationships with co-workers, friends, neighbours and family members. Relationships can be a source of great joy, but sadly they can also be a source of great disappointment, sadness and stress. I am sure that the vast majority of us can think of a couple (at least!) of relationships that were mostly negative, perhaps a friend bullies us or puts us down, perhaps a friend or family member uses us financially. While I think friendships go through ebbs and flows and at times one friend may be more in need then another, I do think we have to address and learn about healthy relationships vs. unhealthy ones.
Unhealthy relationships can drag you down, they can make you feel stressed, not good enough, sad, even depressed. The reality is, that there are limited things you can do to change people’s behaviours, but there is a lot you can do to protect yourself from unhealthy relationships, part of which is how you cope with the person and the other is how much time you spend with people who are good for your soul vs. those who damage your soul.
I was struggling with this when I first started downshifting because I realized (partly through having my little inspirations, partly through better self-awareness) that I had a few friends that were not creating joy, but were either using me, were very negative or acting selfishly. I was also struggling with my relationship with my mum at the time and while I certainly didn’t want to diminish the role she had in my life, I desperately needed to find more positive ways of coping with some of our relationship challenges. As I was newly single person I think I became far more aware of how important friendships are! So, here is how I did it.
- The very first thing I did was make a quick list of what type of friend I hope I am/want to be and how I could be a better friend to my friends and a better daughter to my mum.
- I made a list of my good friends and relationships and how they make me feel. Words like supportive, caring and laughter filled that page
- I looked for examples of which friends created happy feelings – this really helped because I then took the time to thank all those friends for the wonderful friendships we have (I wrote letters and sent cards!)
- I started looking at which friends cause me stress (thankfully, there were only a few) and looked at why. I tried to take a balanced approach, recognizing hard times some were having. I recorded how the friends/relationships made me feel, for example unvalued, stressed, used etc.
- I looked at what I can do to change how those relationships made me feel, that is about finding changes in me – for example, one friend I decided the best thing to do was avoid talking about finances, the other friend is so exceptionally negative I decided to try to do things to brighten her day – give her flowers, send her a card, but if her negativity continued I would be more careful about when we get together, how frequently etc. Finally I have a few friends who will say “let’s treat each other” and never treat you back (despite the fact they are rolling in it!), or will always be short of money, I decided the only action is to change my action – I always go equipped with loads of change and notes so I can pay the amount that is right for my meal/coffee etc.
- I then did some reading about friendships, relationships, mother/daughter struggles and really started to get some perspective, particularly with the latter. Once you have this perspective you may chose to discuss some of the issues you are having in your relationship and look at how they can be dealt with!
- After this, I decided I had some good friendships that needed re-kindling, particularly a couple of old school friends. I then decided to make the effort, email them and call and while I haven’t gotten together with either yet (they live in opposite ends of England) we plan to spend a weekend together in May!
- This next part is hard but the reality is that some relationships are not worth saving. Sometimes friends are abusive or unkind and no matter how hard we try to do things to make the relationship a positive one it doesn’t work. I don’t believe that we should allow ourselves to be hurt in this way and so to be kind to yourself sometimes you have to let go! I’ve always thought that this takes incredible strength in character and is perhaps the kindest thing you can do for yourself! Similarly, sometimes we are friends with someone and then we change or they change, we grow as people and have different priorities and interests. I do believe we can be friends with people from all walks of life, from all backgrounds and faiths (and my own friendships are as diverse as the world is) but sometimes we grow apart simply because we change – once you downshift that friend who is only interested in shopping and blowing hundereds of pounds may be more challenging!
- Next I was ready to be the best friend I can be to my friends and the best daughter I can be to my mum. This does not mean we will always agree (particularly with my mother!) but it means we value the person and let them know it, we cherish the time we spend with them and make it a priority. My mum really equates making tea for a family member as a sign of love (generational I think?) so now when I visit I make an effort to make her a cup of tea in bed in the morning and when I head to bed in the evenings I make her one then. This is a really little thing to do, but I really notice the change in her!
- I accepted the things I can not change and just embraced a new way to deal with it. I had a co-worker who was spoke very disrespectfully to me, I decided I was not going to let it bother me, I was going to not allow myself to lower my standards and I was going to conduct myself with dignity. One of my great friends never makes phone calls, that’s her reality so I telephone her and she sends lovely emails & cards. Finally I noticed when I visit my mum if I say “where is” or “I can’t find” she gets exceptionally stressed and is on edge for the rest of the day, I now work very hard to find everything without asking ;0) Accepting people helps you build empathy and forgiveness which are both exceptionally important traits in any relationship!
- Finally, I looked for NEW relationships – Grace is a prime example, a friend of my mum’s whose children live in Oz became someone I enjoyed baking for and bringing flowers to! You just never know when someone is praying for a friend to come into their lives or wishing they just had someone to talk to!
The following is a great reminder from Post Secret
“I never have anyone to sit with at church, but wearing cute shoes somehow makes me feel like I’m alone because I want to be” – maybe this person is just waiting for one of us to reach out & say hello and maybe, just maybe, a great new relationship will be formed! BTW I can really relate to this person (minus the shoes!) I started going to Church through this downshifting journey and attend the same one each week which has about 100 adults, over the last 3 months only 1 person has spoken to me!! Is this normal for Church? They all speak to each other but it seems like a very tight knit community and even my smiling and hello gets me nowhere…maybe I need cute shoes!
In summary, I believe relationships are not perfect, nor should they be, but you should feel they are a blessing. I think many of us are in toxic relationships, either with friendships or boyfriends/girlfriends, even family members. While I do think that we should preserve family relationships where possible, I’ve also watched a couple of friends have no choice but to stop seeing family members who treated them terribly. They have become like new people, kinder to themselves, aware of just how bad the relationship was. We need to work hard to have relationships that are supportive, kind, enriching and loving – and I honestly believe the harder we work to be those things, the more the other person is likely to respond in the same way. It creates a “pass it on” which will only end up making the world a better place!
I should add, I am currently really struggling in a friendship with one of my very good friends. I feel exceptionally hurt by many of her recent actions, so I’m going to be doing a few of these steps again and while I can’t change what has happened, I can stop letting it hurt me so and make some appropriate choices. I would love to share the situation to get a balanced response but as this blog continues to grow daily I’m just too worried she would come across it!
Disclaimer: I haven’t addressed the fact that some people who read this are in abusive relationships with partners and the reality is it is unsafe to stay. I have watched this happen to a friend and seen her internalize by saying things like she needs to make changes when in reality he was controling, manipulative and abusive, not because she wasn’t a good cook or she spent too much time with her friends but because he was abusive. If this is you (including men being abused by women) please do some reading, please seek out friends and family to help you, please go to any of the many many charities, organizations or health care providers that are ready & waiting to help you! I do acknowledge sadly it can be impossible for some people to leave due to threats, violence etc but please try to seek help or help those in that situation.
Off topic: My new post is up at the Simple, Green, Frugal Co-op
I agree with you about some friends, I call them energy suckers! They’re the friends who exhaust you and suck the life right out of you. I’ve been trying very hard to change my relationships with people and myself for the past 18 months. Its a slow process but one that is working.
As far as churches go, the one I went to as a child, I attend @ Easter and Christmas. Its a physically beautiful structure but one that now leaves me feeling cold inside. I would like to a find a church that welcomes me, but I haven’t taken steps to explore others yet.
When people are in abusive relationships ( yes men are too, but very few report it), it takes courage and strength of mind to leave, and many people just can’t do it.
Excellent post as always. Enjoy your day.
You’ve hit the nail right on the head there! As you know, I’ve currently been trying to rid myself of certain toxic people and have had to take some serious steps in order to do so, but the end result will be worthwhile I’m sure.
Toxic people draw on our positive energy and inject their own negative energy back into us, hence our feeling low, sometimes lethargic and sometimes depressed. I’ve found that not only do I have to cut the physical ties but also the spiritual ties because even when we have no physical contact, they can still continue to drain us. Just having them in our minds can be negative.
This year I’m refusing to allow anybody to drain me. As soon as I feel it happening I shall be taking steps to stop it. My life and happiness is worth too much to me to waste on people who have nothing to give me than negativity.
Interesting post.. I can identify with so much of this at the moment. I’m also dealing with a difficult situation with a friend and am struggling to get some perspective on it. Hopefully some of the post will help. Thank you
Can I just say that for someone so young, you have a wisdom way beyond your years! I have loved reading your blog, and you are so very right about so much. I talked abotu yesterday’s post to some friends at church today. It was very moving, and a huge wake up call.
Friends….there is a saying that you have friends for a reason , a season or a lifetime. I have found this to be very true. You have to work at all relationships…they don’t just happen!
PS A great church in London is All Saints, in Peckham. My daughter used to work there!
ohhh…this a very interesting topic and you truely hit the nail right on the head! I lately also realized that I rather want to stop to communicate with certain people. I am blessed with many wonderful people and my life and constantly feel that I have too less time for them – but on the other hand, I meet people, just because we’re used to be friends or because I am too weak to say no. But now I’m changing.
Still, I often fear that “no” would be harsh and I don’t want to hurt people.
Again thanks for your post and your blog – I truely enjoy reading it.
Have a nice Sunday!
Ostrich – that is a really good name for it! Very true about the courage and even then it is sadly impossible for some. My greatest wish is that we end domestic abuse!
Sharon J – you deserve wonderful people around you and I’m pleased you are taking a stand!
apieceofwood – I’m sorry to hear about your friend, I can understand. Maybe we should swap ideas?!
Linds – thank you! I’ve never heard of that Church. I used to live nearish to Peckham but am now a few hrs away!
Thank you for the kind comments re me & the blog. I’m glad yesterdays post gave you some discussion, maybe your Church will find some people who need friendship!
Barbara – it is a fine balance isn’t it? I hate being harsh or unkind to anyone, but there have been times I knew I needed to take a step back from friendships. Best wishes.
So true. This is especially difficult with family members when they are the negative relationship. We have had many problems with Mr Chiots family. They are very negative and have tried to bully us into doing things we didn’t think was right or beneficial. They are very self-centered and have difficulty seeing that they are being hurtful towards many family members.
Eventually it led to a year without any communication. They have finally realized that they can’t treat us that way and the relationship has to have boundaries and limitations. We have been slowly reinstituting that relationship, but it’s difficult to keep them arms length (if we start getting too close the negativity starts up again).
We have finally realize that that relationship will never be like the close relationship we have with my parents, but sometimes even with family it’s not worth the emotional strain.
Put me on the blog roll with pleasure! And Peckham is worth a visit even though it is quite a way away! I go down now and then too, and I live in the middle of England, just to soak it up.
Another excellent post
Do you mind if I re-post?
so true! also having those people around that take energy has a really bad effect on health (physical & mental).
Two great books for dealing with abusive relationships are: The Verbally Abusive Relationship & Controlling People by Patricia Evans
Gosh … I can’t believe only one person has spoken to you … BUT … my motto is “Always make the first move”…. sometimes if you wait for someone else to, you could be waiting forever.
(Hope this doesn’t sound too flippant)
That should have read “only one person has spoken to you at Church”
lol Sandie, not flippant at all!
Karissa. Absolutely, please just link to here! Thanks for asking!
Thanks for the book suggestions Louise!
this post was really really helpful. i read it once last night before going to bed and then again this morning. for the past few months i have been struggling with a few friendships (sometimes it feels like a lack thereof) in my life. nothing can feel more lonely than feeling someone who should be a close friend is not acting in a way that supports you or your friendship.
thank you so much for your clarity. you put things in lovely yet simple terms.
(and, louise, thanks for the book recs. will definitely check those out as well!)
Loved this post. Really makes me think about where I am in some of my own relationships… with my mom, and a few friends. Love to read how others try to become their authentic selves.
Melissa
http://www.babyheaton.blogspot.com
Excellent post!!
One of the best blog posts I’ve read on any topic lately. I’ve made some painful decisions with a handful of friends in recent years but it’s worth it if a friendship has truly run its course and there’s nothing you can do to change it. I give a lot of myself to my friends but it’s not too much to expect the same from them. An excellent book on the subject is Into the Tangle of Friendship.
Also, re: church. I’ve found that if you join a group or two at the church, or volunteer for a few things, you’ll transition much better. It’s the best way to meet a lot of people at church. Otherwise, people have a hard time just talking to strangers–even in that environment.
This is a really beautiful post and made me reflect on my family and friends. I like your idea of personally thanking friends for all the support and love they provide over the years instead of just taking it for granted.
I also love the attention to detail when caring for your mother. Parents are so often overlooked. *hug*
This is an excellent post! You have put into words exactly what I am doing with my friends and my relationships in my life. Work on some, find a way to bow out of others. I’ve had my eyes opened wide this past year with some of my friends and yes, like you am struggling with a couple relationships too. Excellent excellent post.
Nobody talks to me at church either. (And I’ve been going to the same church off and on for a few years.) Probably they would if I stayed for coffee hour after the service, but I’m too shy for that. Well, a few people do say hi but not much more than that. I’m okay with it though. I don’t go to church to socialize, and most people are not exactly in my age group anyway (not that there’s anything wrong with that!).
I love this post, but I have to say, no! I don’t think that’s normal for a church! church should be an extended family. I’ve found that the more ‘posh’ a church, the less friendly. my church is filled with all races, income levels, and ethnicities, and we all mix very well. often the more diverse the congregation, the warmer the people. I would keep looking for a congregation that fits this description. it’s hard to find the right church, but once you do, it’s so worth it!
A great book I have read on relationships is called ‘Safe People’ – by Henry Cloud – a counsellor friend recommended it to me about ten years ago and I still think it’s great. There is another great book by the same author called ‘Boundaries’ – I have found that helpful too.