There once was a beautiful home, a home one or two people worked very hard to achieve in the 40′s. A home that they decorated lovingly with the most beautiful of wallpapers, large floral and cream colours. A home that had a tiny Victorian fireplace in each room. This fireplace would be the only source of heat for the next sixty years, those fireplaces were relied on to heat the property morning, noon and night. The house has two very tiny downstairs parlours, one holding two framed photographs displayed proudly, taking centre stage. Walking further down the hall you see an ”outdoor kitchen” at the back of the property with a sink from the 1950′s, a cooker from the 60′s and no real floor. Upstairs you find a very basic bathroom and two bedrooms. Again retro wallpaper covers the rooms, furniture from the 50′s throughout, several large framed cross stitch of kittens hang on the walls. They were fine pieces of art.
Throughout the property are large cracks, some so large you can see outside peeking through. The house, though obviously worn with love, is cold, far too cold for someone to be in. The plants have died, the wind howls, the floor moves and the house rattles. When did a person last live here, asks I….the answer, only a few months ago, the same person who has lived there for over 60 years, the person was taken into hospital and never returned home…
And I am suddenly filled with questions. Who is selling the home? How did someone live like this and no one was aware? If people were aware, did they know that help is available or perhaps could they have done something? Who else is living like this? How many older people are in such dire situations across the UK and what is being done about it?
A few months ago when my mum was in hospital and I met Grace, an elderly widow, with no children the only family a niece and nephew who lived far away and rung only around the holidays, it evoked in me a deep sadness about how much older people suffer from things like loneliness, things that could be helped or prevented if people just showed concern. Showing concern for someone is so easy to do, telephone them, send them flowers, bring them some groceries, buy them a scarf, visit, write a card, tell them you love them, hold their hand, sing them a song, tell them a story, send them a CD. It is so so easy to show that you care, and yet each and every single day we let people we love, neighbours who have no one and colleagues who are lonely go without our compassion, love and friendship. If you are from a large family, surrounded by people, you are very very blessed indeed, but try to remember not everyone has that, either because they don’t have family or they have family who is not involved in their lives. We need to work extra hard to seek them out and try to be someone special to them. While I’m only in my 20′s, my small family has suffered tragedy, our family of 4 is only a family of 2. When my surviving parent passes, I will have no surviving siblings and no parents, if I haven’t married by then I won’t have any family and yet, I am blessed. I have a mother, I have the ability to communicate my needs, I have money in the bank.
However, from what I’ve seen it is not just those without family that are lonely. I have a good friend, who with her partner has an income of over £100k per year, they go away each month for a city break and enjoy three or four long haul holidays a year, yet his mum lives several hours away and can’t afford the flight to visit. They visit her once every two years or so, and I just ache for this woman. Why is it we are happy to lavish money on ourselves and our holidays and not help our parents? No matter what mistakes your parents made (within reason!) the reality is parents love us, they changed our nappies, they fed us, they rocked us to sleep when we were sick, they sacrificed by going without so that we could go on school trips or have ballet or swimming lessons. Our parents stood with pride when we finished major milestones, waved us good-bye when we embarked on new journeys and counted the days until we came home to visit. I think that most people know deep down if they are in need, their parents will move to the ends of the earth to help them. So just why is it that we don’t necessarily feel or act the same way towards them? Why is it we can lavish things on ourselves and yet balk at spending money on parents, even when they are in need? Why is it we are happy to give tax deductible donations to work charities and yet not happy to buy groceries for the elderly person who is shut in down the road? Why is it having Great Auntie Anne for Christmas, when she has no family of her own, is seen as an inconvenience instead of a blessing?
I think my generation and probably the one before mine is getting it wrong. While I know there are shining examples of people who get it right, I think we have been raised to focus on ourselves – accumulating wealth, saving for our retirement, rewarding ourselves with holidays. Us, us, us. But what about them?
While I’ve bought things for Grace and hopefully have helped her feel less lonely (the last time I saw her I held her hand and she started crying, she said no one touches you anymore and how much she’d missed human contact – needless to say I was in tears) there is so so much more I can do. This little house has told me such a story and I hope that it has an effect on my story each and every day I am alive on this earth.
Here’s a small list of things I put together to remind myself what we can all do to make our parents, aunts or uncles, neighbours or even strangers feel cared about:
Ask an older person to teach you a skill – it might just make them feel valued
Send an older person some flowers – it may just make them feel loved
Bring an older person some groceries – it may just be that week they don’t feel hungry
Take an older person out for dinner or to see a show – it may just make them have something to look forward to
Offer to go with an older person to an appointment – it may make them feel less scared
Provide an older person with financial support or support filling out benefit claims – it may just mean they aren’t cold
Be an advocate, support, carer and most of all a friend.
What a wonderful post.
Very true words indeed. The problem for me though is not doing these things it is finding the people to do them for!
Some people of the older generation are too proud to accept help. I must ask around and see if anyone in the village knows of anyone who I could help.
Thankfully in the village environment we all do look out for our neighbours.
Stacey
Thank you Stacey! I think that is true too. Ask around, perhaps become a visitor at a centre for older people etc. Hopefully you find someone who needs a little love! Let me know how it goes!
Wow! That was some post. And so much truth.
My generation can be incredibly selfish with material wealth being their main priority. Personally I’d much rather help somebody in need than buy a Wii or jewellery or other frivolities – I just wouldn’t sleep well at night knowing I’d spent so much money on something I don’t need while a neighbour has no heating or is eating cat food to survive (yes, I once knew a lady who bought cheap cat food because it was all she could afford).
My mum used to look out for an old lady who lived in our neighbourhood. She did her shopping, made her a meal every day, made sure her bills were paid etc etc and generally gave her some company. Her son lived 2 hours away and hadn’t visited in 15 years when she died but he was at the funeral asking mum whether she’d left any money and even asked if there was anything left out of that week’s pension (Mum used to cash her pension for the shopping, bills etc but the idea that Mum had actually often been out of pocket because she’d bought her something extra like a cream cake or a nice piece of steak didn’t dawn on him).
Beautifully written. Thank you.
beautiful. we have a fear of death and infirmity, i think (and an overemphasis on youth and capability). it makes us want to ignore the elderly.
one other thing i might suggest is to look around for groups doing work with the elderly and offer your services. i work with one such group in my area.
We have an older gentleman who lives over the road. He is alone now that his wife has passed on. About a month ago, Hubby saw him coming down the road with a problem with his electric scooter. Hubby ran over and found that the scooter just kept stopping for no reason. As this was his only form of transport, Hubby helped the elderly man into his recliner and then brought the scooter to our garage to see if he could fix it.
Now hubby is pretty clever when it comes to fixing stuff and within an hour he had repaired a short circuit which was causing the power problems. When he took the scooter over the road, the man was nearly in tears with gratitude.
‘How much do I owe you?’ he said.
‘Nothing at all, it was my pleasure,’ Hubby replied, ‘Merry Christmas.’
So who got more out of this exchange? The boost to Hubby’s self esteem makes me think that it was probably an even trade.
A wonderfully thought provoking post….Thanks.
I read your blog regularly and have never posted before but I was moved to tears by this. My husband and I are (hopefully!) bringing our daughters up with the attitude that material things aren’t everything and that being polite and helpful are very rewarding in themselves. It seems to be working as our 5 year old is constantly being praised at school for being polite, helpful and kind – qualities that seem to be missing from our generation sadly (I am 30)
I always also make a point of smiling at people, saying thank you and holding doors open for others. The number of people who look shocked when I do any of these things makes me feel a little sad that it is becoming the exception rather than the norm.
Keep up the great posts x
Perfect post, take care, Margaret
FT, I never realized your mom was your only living family member. We’re only a family of 4 too and I know that there will be a day when only my sister or myself are left… that’ll be sad
Your post is great, it made me think of things I could do too to help others in need. Not just the elderly, but others obviously lonely or going through a hard time. Thank you.
you are so right with what you wrote. It’s funny though how I never thought about the “touch” thing…….
Volunteering at an old folks home is also a good thing as well.
Gill in Canada
This post brought tears to my eyes. You have great wisdom for a person who is still so young. Thank you for the reminder about how I should be looking at the world.
We all need to read this post, and take action. There are so many people we meet every day who could be suffering, and who could use a friend. We never take the time to even consider this. Thank you for reminding me, to stop worrying about myself – and to look outwards, to those around me.
Hi there-what a lovely thoughtful post. I live about ten minutes walk from my mum and when she broke her ankle in September, thankfully I could be around every day. She is very independent but I’m pleased I can be around when she needs me.
Sharon Rose that is really lovely, it just shows how much easier it is for those with children who are local. I hope your mum is fully recovered.
Frugal Dreamer – you’re welcome, I too feel like I need to take action.
Sharon J – oh I agree so completely, think of all the money spend on things we don’t need that could be used to help others.
Sadly I think a lot of people like your mum’s friend have children just like that.
Deepali – I think that is very true!
Living My Rich Life – maybe you can befriend that man? I really think people come into our lives for a reason!
Lynsey – I am sure you are bringing your daughters up to be just the type of people who look outside instead of inside!
Canadian Saver – yes it is sad isn’t it? Who knows maybe you or your sister will have children by then!
Gill – yes very true re touch. It is so important!
What a lovely post – it brought tears to my eyes. So very true, and lots of things to really think about.
I was also moved to tears by this post. It is a great reminder to come back out of my self and be aware of the needs of others. I’ve had a great example set by my mother, who lives with and takes care of my grandmother. I guess they really take care of each other. It’s not always easy, but it is right.
It is my dream to have both my mother and my mother-in-law either live with us or very close by when my husband and I have children. I imagine how wonderful it would be to have them here to help with childcare while we can provide for their retirement (neither are set up very well to go it alone without working). I also pray that my grandmother (now 82) will still be here to meet our future children. Although she has my lovely mother, I can feel intense loneliness that comes from being the lone survivor of five siblings.
I am glad that we’ll be able to visit them both this weekend and make a big deal for my mother’s 60th birthday. As a very selfish only child, I’ve never really done much for her on her birthday but will have a mini surprise party this time. She deserves so much more…
Thanks for inspiring me to think about this…
This brought tears to my eyes