Thank you to Margot who noticed I had actually posted more the last week, but that I had accidentally made my time delay post go under January 2008 – so the 4 times a week is true ;0) I’ve cleaned it up and will re-post this weekend.
So, here I come to you, my readers for a little bit of advice, it is always appreciated – you are a wise group.
I’m struggling with the direction my life is taking. Since I started this journey, I’ve changed so much. I don’t want a high powered job (even 4 days a week), I don’t want to be surrounded by huge groups of people daily, I don’t want to be on a variety of plane and trains each week, I simply want to be. I’ve gone from wanting people, people, people and pressure, pressure, pressure to really wanting to learn new practical skills and hobbies, have my hands in the ground planting and cultivating, reading, walking, spending time with people I care about and mothering. Seeing my little inspirations over Christmas definitely made me realize I’m on the wrong track for the new me. Nothing about it feels right. Nothing.
Only the problem is well, I need to be able to get a mortgage, which means I need a size-able deposit (this is England after all) which means I need a job that lets me save, which means while I can try to strike a balance (4 days a week work) the reality is I am slightly a slave to work. Only I really really really don’t want to be anymore. I don’t enjoy it, it doesn’t give me joy, it doesn’t feel like what God or fate has planned for me (although who am I to say that?!) and I want to get off this career track and get on another.
What do I do?
Edited to add: I was just thinking if you’d of told my feminist self at 21 or even 25 that I before I ended my 20′s I would happily swap a career for domesticity, I’d of died of laughter!
do you really really really NEED to get a mortgage? perhaps there is another way? Can you think outside of the box? What about finding a sort of caretakers / housekeeper type job where you look after a property or some such? also the 4 day work week might have some suggestions worth persuing / perusing.
Join a cooperative community? take a year out? go work on organic farms – there is a network – follow links in permaculture.org – there is a uk magazine which has ads for joining up with these sorts of networks….
there are so many paths to choose. You are not stuck in the groove you are currently in. And certainly you have the wherewithall, will power and determination to find the way – from what I can see anyway
Unfortunately there are very few people who can afford a house with enough land to have a ‘decent’ veg patch and some chooks and other outside pets. Worse than that most of the people who own these homes have landscaped gardens and a weekly gardener.
Being frugal is you, wanting to grow veg is you, being simple and green is you. No matter where you are these things travel with you. I have come to the conclusion that my job is a ‘tool’ to enable my simple life. I may have to use this tool for many years but ultimately it will let me build the life i want. In the mean time you just simply do what you can where you can.
Could you volunteer at a farm or rabbit sanctuary, could you plant veg in a friend or neighbours garden in return for letting you use their land you can give them produce, even in your own home you can grow herbs, beansprouts, small tomatoes, cress etc. How about visiting farmers markets instead of shops for food? Take time to learn new skills of an evening after work. Not only does this help with ‘de stressing’ but the skills will certainly help when you need to mend or make something that you cannot afford to buy as you have a mortgage.
You seem to have done amazingly well with your savings. You need to work out how long it will take you to save what you need and then you may be able to reduce your hours again.
The other option which is a bit more drastic is to save as much as you can and then relocate to somewhere cheaper (near family) but not london, you may then be able to find a source of income which isn’t as stressful.
My final thought is why do you have to buy now? I know you may want to but maybe if you can wait (keep saving) until you have another person to buy with? I worry that you may end up with large mortgage payments a month and then you will be stuck with your job for 25 years!!
I am a very impatient person i want everything a simple life gives and i want it yesterday but i have had to teach myself that i can live a simple life anywhere, you just have to modify what you got to what you need to be happy!!!
Sorry for the long post but i have taken so much advice and guidence from your blog i wanted to try and help you.
I have very recently started a blog please check it out. Only early days still have to find my feet with it all!
Hope you find your path soon.
Stacey
Moyra thank you, I’ll certainly do some researching. I think the thing is, we get stuck in a this way or this way mentality and obviouly neither is quite right for me. Thanks again.
Stacey – thank you, you raise some really good points particularly about buying….! I will check out your blog.
p.s. I would NEVER be able to afford to buy in London – I’m thinking about the west country.
I was checking off the similarities in your changing direction and ours (my husband and myself)
I’m going to give this a lot of thought before I comment further…so many similarities! We’re partly along that journey. I’ll come back here after the grey matter churns a bit
Well Robbyn, I’m glad I’m not the only one, although I know another blogger has emailed me that she too wants to swap work for motherhood, simple life etc.
I eagerly await your wisdom/advice! Thank you!
Mr Chiots and I had similar wants, so we started our own business. We can arrange our work around our lives (work in the evenings, garden during the daylight hours). We still work many hours, but we are actually investing in ourselves with this work, not for someone else. We manage to make enough to have a comfortable life and to be generous with several charities. We’re hoping when we pay off the house (if all goes well this will happen in 2 years, 9 years in), then we want to start working less and earning less.
We’ve learned that some things have to be put off or take longer to achieve. We’ve reached a good balance of work/play for us.
Hi there-You’ve had some really good suggestions so far, I hope these guide you in the right direction. I agree about the ‘buying a house’, there could be an alternative solution for you if you explore different scenarios-very best of luck to you.
I live in the west country so ask away if you have any questions!.
Unfortunately even in the west country it is near impossible to find a 2-3 bed house with a garden you could grow veg / have chickens for less than £300k.
Your best bet in the west country is too look for the country estates etc and see if they have any cottages for rent. They tend to have the security that you want (you aren’t going to get turfed out in 6 months as you have a buy to let landlord!!). They also are in gorgeous locations and tend to have lovely gardens etc. This could help for short term until you are ready to buy.
The problem in the west country at the moment is people are coming from london with plenty of money and buying up properties in the village. This means that property prices are still going up and have been unaffected by the credit crunch. These people have their country hideaways that they use every other weekend therefore lots of houses are almost never used. Hopefully you will find a bargain though!
I really think if more people like you moved to the country the countryside would be a better place. Too often people have the ‘second home in the country image’ but don’t want to participate in country life!. We heard a story the other day of a family who moved into a village near us who sent a written complaint to the church that the bells were to noisy and complained to the local farmer about the smell lol! you can’t come to the country and then take all the country things away!! hehe.
I like Moyra’s idea a lot. If you were a caretaker somewhere you’d be able to live the lifestyle you crave and ditch the stressful job. You’d have to delay the goal of buying your own place, but you’d have your daily way of life that you want. You’d also have fewer expensive/no overhead. You could basically save whatever you’re paid. It might not be a lot but you wouldn’t need to spend on things like transportation to work, rent, some of your food (garden?), etc. It also would give you a preview of your intended life and you could make sure it’s really what you want. And don’t forget your writing – you could make money freelancing doing that as well (and have more time to do it, too!)
Remember that Feminism does not mean that you must be “like a man” with the high powered career etc. Feminism means that we get the choice. And the choice can be whatever we want; including the decision to stay home and be mothers and wives. There is SO much value in being a mother and a spirit cultivator!
am currently enjoying motherhood and not working. not that I can continue not working forever – but I totally relate to the desire to stop the career train and swap it for a life of domestic ‘bliss’
I got to it older than you did. which means I shall probably be only able to have one child (well maybe two, but its a long shot) and also, to be honest, its not a great feminist position to be in, and I am NOT liking being financially dependent. especially seeing as the Hub is not as good at money management as I am. Having said that, he has a much better career. I think the aim must be to make the work you do for money, be as efficient as possible. ie get paid as much as you can for as little time as possible. its certainly my aim!
But you are young, and committed (you could not do what you are currently doing without being) and not afraid to cut your own path – therefore – the world is your oyster. Where there is a will, there IS a way. It may take looking at it all from a different perspective and researching the lesser known areas of existence. But I do know that there is a field of teepees with families living out in the wilds quite happily, and that fab bloke who built his own eco house in the woods. I have a friend who lives in Goa for 6 months of the year, renting out a house to westerners (that she rented out from Goans) and makes enough to live the other 6 months of the year in Bali. Her child will be going to an Indian school and an international eco school. There are ways. many of them
sorry me again – check this out
http://www.gen-europe.org/index.html
OK – this may be a long one..
Reading your post is like reading about me. Life is almost a limbo land at the moment, every spare penny is going towards the debt, and you know our dream is to go South as well, work less, live simply and frugally, grow veg etc etc..
But, a job being realistic is always going to feature as a necessity in our lives.. however I’m clear that at a certain point in time (probably when we move South), I drop out of the rat race and do a job, that might be less hours, will definately be less pay, but it’ll be something I want to do and enjoy hugely, working with animals or the outdoors.. something that keeps some pennies coming in, but gives me a much better quality of life. A job I actually look forward to doing.
Until then, my job is a means to an end, a necessary evil to pay down the debt and our fertility treatment.. but it’s going to payback for us in a few years.. and every day now, is one day less I spend my working life stressed, pressured and rushing form one day to the day without actually living my life the way I want to.
I wish you every success with what you deicde, but have total faith you will succeed.
Lots of good advice here, but I just wanted to respond to your comment ” that you don’t feel you’re living the life fate or God wants you to”……..if you already have that faith and conviction that there’s another way for you to live, then the life you want will come, maybe not the way you think it should, or even when you think it should, but in some way you’ve never thought of.
Keep believing.
I worked for 20 years in a job like that, very well paid but lots of stress and travel. It was only after I was made redundant that I realised how it had sucked the life out of me.
The need for money to pay rent or mortgage, even when living frugally, does not go away.I am sure you will do what is best for you.
gosh, i feel the *same* way. if you’d have told me at 20 that by the time i was 29 (now) i’d be looking at a life of not working, being a homemaker and possible homeschooler, and being interested in farming, gardening, and living very simply, including cooking from scratch and knitting/sewing, i would have thought you were just nuts. back then i didn’t wanted to be rich but definitely wanted a nice pretty suburban house, and i always wanted to work. now i just want to stay home, sustain myself with maybe a small online crafts shop, raise kids instead of the public schools raising them, and being an active participant in the life of my community.
gah…the reason i’ve gone on so long about myself is that i feel the *same* way, and i’m still in training to be a teacher! luckily this is a position i know i will love, so that while i still look at the work as relatively temporary (depending on life…you know we can never plan it too much), say 10 years maybe (i’d like to be fully home in my 40s, is that too ambitious?), i know i’ll enjoy it while i’m doing it. so … i guess my advice would be to find a job you’ll at least enjoy doing until you don’t need it anymore? how’s that sound? i think it will work for me … so … just wanted to pass it along. best of luck, dear, you are well on your way with the attitude alone! (and determination!)
What line of work are you in? Is there anyway you could do something like freelance writing part-time?
I can very much sympathise with your situation, even though I am still at university. My parents are determined that I should become a primary school teacher, but I want to be a book editor for a few years for the experience in the industry, and then to be able to write full-time from home, although I would probably have to work part-time too.
Good luck in your decision. You are certainly committed enough to succeed at whatever you do.
by the way, i sort of think there’s a shift into a new feminism, being okay enough with how far we’ve advanced to “reclaim the kitchen.” … and still have homemaking, etc. be recognized as a full-time, artistic “position.” it’s OK!! hell yes it is!
Having a job that you like would be helpful. There are plenty of not high powered careers, and you might enjoy several of them.
Living in tied accommodation might be good, just moving to a smaller town/city might go someway toward being the lifestyle for you – London is not very forgiving. If you want to grow fruit and veg, why not think about an allotment?
In short, you don’t need to get a mortgage right this minute. You don’t need to live and work in London to be able to move to the west country someday. Take small steps in the right direction.
How about a tiny house http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/
rather than a mortgage?
also i would recommend wwoofing (willing workers on organic farms) the uk site is http://www.wwoof.org.uk/home.html
but its all over the world.
Sounds like you’re in a career rut.
You need to find a balance or maybe 2 jobs that make you happy, even half happy rather than upset.
Sounds to me like you want to go ‘off the grid’…
This is probably the most and least helpful you’ll get: stop struggling and just let be.
To make it only slightly more (but not too much) practical: stop thinking in terms of “i don’t”, “i want”, etc, and start thinking in terms of “i am”.
best of luck.
I knew a woman in NZ, she wanted a house and mortage etc, so she got herself a job at the local post office for three months, got the mortage, bought the house, then quit the job. very sneaky way to do it but it worked for her then her and her husband went on to make and live their lives how they wanted. Also, I believe that if meant to happen it will and a way will come up. wouldn’t worry about how it going to happen it just will.
I have to agree with Fiona. If it is meant to happen it will but sometimes what happens isn’t what you visualised but something better.
Ask yourself – do you really need a huge garden to grow veg? Wouldn’t a smaller garden be cheaper and a better alternative? You could always go for an allotment later.
Think about what you want, what you need and what you can afford. Pare it down ad then go for it!
We are in a somewhat similar situation although we have already started some changes. Can you change your job and still make the money you need? My partner started his own business and I am retraining so I can work in schools. We both work but are doing something more satisfying to us and our wanted lifestyle.
Stop putting things off, we have a huge list of thing we will do ‘when we move…..’ this year I decided not to wait but to make those changes now. So instead of waiting 2 – 5+ years for land to grow veg and have a huge flock of chickens we have made raised veg beds in our current garden and I am looking to buy 3 bantams for eggs.
If you have no land at all have you heard of landshare?
http://landshare.channel4.com/
its pairs people who want to grow with others who have land spare locally.
Good luck in your journey, but start enjoying it now!
Maxine
I’m hearing you. I’m in my early 30′s and want out of the ratrace badly. Thankfully my job earns me a lot of money, but also gives me plenty of time for other things. For the moment I can focus on the benefits rather than the negatives.
While I initially thought I could finish up my job in two years time, I now realise that if I want to reach some of my financial goals for my downshifted future, then I need to stick with it for longer than planned. I’ve made peace with this decision because I know it will be for the best in the long term.
In the short-term I will use those intervening years to bring more downshifted elements into my life. If you can see this as a process, perhaps it won’t be as painful. You sound a lot like me in that you want it NOW, but hopefully if you can see a clear plan/way ahead you can live more easily with the journey.
Good Luck. I love reading your blog, becuase yours seem so closely aligned to my journey at the moment.
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