All week, those three little words have been running through my mind. There have been events witnessed where I’ve wanted to sit people down with a nice mug of herbal tea and just look into their eyes and say “at what cost”, five examples come to mind. First I saw a couple with a baby arguing, both dressed in the professional wardrobe holding briefcases, she was screaming at the top of her lungs about how incompetent he is, how she can’t do it all. Their baby looked absolutely terrified, frozen with fear and was as white as a ghost. Another couple, when I was doing my weekly shop, had a toddler with them who could not stop coughing, by the sounds of it he had a nasty chest infection, the couple were talking about how they couldn’t possible take time off and the little one would have to go to nursery sick. At a meeting I was chatting away to a very high income earner within our company about her new baby (she is due in a week!) and I asked if she was looking forward to having a year with her baby (we get a year maternity leave here in the UK), no she said, baby is signed up to full time nursery from 12 weeks old as my husband and I have financial goals that are simply too important to mess up so neither of us will take time off that isn’t at full pay! Then Friday on the bus at 7am a little boy (about 7) told his mummy he needed breakfast before school and she handed him a cookie and said that’s all she had time to grab this morning. Finally, yesterday a dear male friend who is in the corporate sector in London and is 34 years old, rang me in tears saying he just wanted to know when his life would begin. We talked for more than 2 hours and he was simply sick of working to earn money to one day hopefully buy a plot of land and live off the earth.
Everyone who reads this blog knows I have goals. I have goals probably because I think they will help me get to a place I need to be in order to achieve the life I want. My life isn’t about becoming rich – my dream is a little cottage, a large garden with enough room to grow veggies, have rescue rabbits and some hens. I want to have a family and work part time. I’m happy to step away from my profession and work in a library, making & selling affordable cloth nappies, writing, dog walking & pet sitting. All of those, to me, are jobs of great worth and enjoyment. So my dreams aren’t big, per se, but I, like my friend, feel so far away from where I need to be. I’ve been thinking a lot about what will help me achieve my dreams sooner and stop me feeling detached from myself & society, here they are:
1. Accept that some people have the life you want because they had it easier. Maybe they bought a property 10 years ago in London or another city, have been able to sell up and buy a house mortgage free in another part of the country. Maybe they did have inheritance or were given a home by their parents. That is a part of their story. Accept it is not part of yours and move on.
2. Sit down, with a clear mind and ask yourself “what do I need to be the real me” – for me that is helping animals, children and people, having a garden, working part time, motherhood and learning self sufficiency. Nowhere in there is the real me defined by money or property size.
3. Cast a wider net. People are important and it is nice to be near family and friends, but if you are working 24/7 how much quality time do you spend with these people? How much quality time do you get with yourself? If you could move two or three hours away and rent a house for £400 a month instead of paying £1000 a month where you are, I’m sure you’d have far more quality time with friends and family!
4. Look at something that defines you (like working on the land) and find a way to do it now. Can you volunteer for a city farm? Even if your job means you can’t volunteer weekly, offering to garden a local Church, park or city farm for a day may be just what you & they need!
5. Accept happiness is a choice – apart from major horrific events that do happen to people, in terms of day to day life I do believe we chose to be happy. Happiness doesn’t mean you don’t have strife and difficult times, it is about how we frame it and what context we give it. I have a good life, I am free to state my political opinions, I have food in my fridge, I have some money in the bank, I have an education which can never be taken away from me, I have a mother I love dearly and a wonderful aunt & uncle (who I don’t see nearly enough of). While I have many friends, I have 7 friends with whom I can fully be myself with and share frustrations, sadness and joy. While only 2 live in this country, these people are wonderful people and a blessing I am thankful for. I have all my wonderful people who read this blog and no doubt the friendships that are starting to emerge because of my downshifting journey. I have my health and even though I have 2 health conditions, I can walk, I can sleep, I can work, I have muscles that let me bend, twist and turn, I have organs that function, I can use the facilities, I can read and write and advocate for myself and others. Wow, I am very blessed indeed. (Sharon is inspirational in reminding us all even if you have health woes you are still blessed and you can still be happy!) So all of a sudden the fact that my employer has given me far too many projects to manage because they know I’ll accomplish them, I’ve had to work 70 hrs this week, I don’t have enough savings to buy a property and I don’t have a family (yet) are not things that will effect my happiness. Jade and the Reductionist wrote great posts I encourage you to read as well.
6. Don’t wait until everything is “perfect” to start living your dream. A while ago I thought I’ll wait 12 years until I am 40. I’ll work my behind off 12 hour days to save a fortune, I’ll do consultancy work at the weekends, I’ll be able to buy a house mortgage free and have children then. Only at what cost would I be doing that? I stumbled on a blog this week where a couple were working towards that goal, they were in their late 30′s and saving £5000 a month. But where will they be in 5 years? How are their bodies coping with working 12 hour days? How is their relationship coping?
7. Alter your dream so that it doesn’t take years to achieve. My dream, as I’ve mentioned, isn’t something I couldn’t accomplish through renting. Sarah (not sure if you want your blog publicized) and I have emailed about the differences in rent. Where she is, you can rent a 3 bedroom home for about £400, I rent a 1 bed apt for £950. So surely, I could 1/2 my rent, have a garden and those rabbits and live my dream sooner. Alter, shift and change your dream so that you can start now.
8. Redefine need and want!! Keep redefining and redefining and reminding yourself and reminding yourself! The same wonderful Sarah and I have had conversations about what children really need. They don’t need parents with 50K in savings or a £350K house to grow up in, or all the latest electronical gadgets and toys. They need warmth, love, attachment, a stable carer, opportunities to grow & thrive through experiences (and I don’t mean experiences with expensive toys or lessons, but things like nature walks, arts & crafts, singing together and simply spending time together). Making sure you are in a place where you can afford time with your children is far more important than working like a dog to buy them things.
9. Don’t compare yourself to the Jones’ or anyone else for that matter! Watching property shows like Grand Designs, Property Ladder and Relocation Relocation Relocation don’t always make me feel good about myself. Reading the Sunday Times makes me feel positively poor. So, what’s the most sensible thing to do? Avoid them! I have a friend who married into money (oil exec) they have a £1 million home, 3 children in private schools (they pay £24K in private school fees a year), the children & parents have every gadget going, she continually makes reference to the fact that her children are having the best childhood because she is home & they are rich. She may be home but she doesn’t spend time with her children, they are in school 8am to about 6pm every day (they do every after school activity possible) at home she is often cleaning or having coffee with friends. She has a lot of home help. There are days when I leave her home and think “my poor kids will never have any of that” but then I remember there is NEVER any point in comparing myself to others. Their riches, in all honesty, are NOT the riches I want for me or my family.
10. Don’t define a good job by the money you are paid for salary, it is only ONE part of the equation. What are the working hours? What support mechanisms are in place? What are the development opportunities? Do they allow flexible working? What is the annual leave allowance? What do they pay in maternity, paternity and adoption leave? Do they allow part time work, like school hours only? Do they allow for special leave? What are your co-workers like? Does the manager make sure you have work life balance? How does the job make you feel about yourself, your life & others?
11. Watch the media (pardon the pun!). I’ve mentioned I avoid the Sunday Times, but I’ve also started tuning out media that creates stress or takes my time. In the past I’ve often zoned out in front of the UK soaps (very different to the American ones for US readers!) in the evenings, these were NOT good for my soul! I used to start the morning with BBC breakfast – I would go to work in a foul mood (well not really, but I didn’t feel great about myself or my country). Knowing what is happening in the world is important to me because it makes me think about how I can help and send money to the right places. Right now there is a danger that millions of Ethiopians are going to die from starvation, I need to help & send money to Oxfam, and I will. But I can still be selective about how I hear my news now. I’d rather read the Guardian a couple of times a week then be bombarded with negative, scare mongering news! I’d rather read the blogs of charities then listen to the venom spilled out by the tabloids. This works for me, figure out what works for you!
Finally, have the courage to step off the treadmill, redefine those priorities and live your life according to the rule book that YOU publish!
Can you tell I’m going to be leaving the corporate world sooner then I planned???
On a totally unrelated note, thank you for all the support and kindness (and tips!) re the mouse situation! 1 caught and the other one seems to have disappeared!
Finally I leave you the song All of My Days by Alexi Murdoch. The words, so relate to this journey
“I have been searching all of my days, all of my days
Many a road you know I’ve been wandering on, all of my days
And I been trying to find, what’s been in my mind, as the days keep turning into nights”
Hi there-an excellent post and I agree wholehearatedly with your philosophies too. I’m working part time at my lowest wage since 18, but I get to be there before and after school for my boys, in the holidays and they know they are well loved and provided for, even if we don’t have all the latest gadgets, go on holidays or have a posh car. It is so important to be there for your kids, I want my boys to realise when they are older, this was the sacrifice I made-to stay around and be there for them because I want to-money and a career is not priority to me anymore. I just want to carry on paying down my debt, not accrue any more, be happy and contented with my family and lot in life (which I am) and pay my bills every month-oh and stay healthy. I think I’m living for the now, not how I want things in the future!
Sharon, I know your boys will one day see and appreciate all you’ve done!
What can I say? You’ve said everything that needs to be said already.
Money has never been important to me. Happiness is. You don’t NEED a fancy place to live to be happy.
I like watching Property Ladder, Relocation, Relocation as I find it so amusing that people are so sad that they are put off a property cos it has the wrong colours inside. I wonder where they get these people from? Where are all the down to earth types who want a grungy cheap house in a nice spot and are really willing to work at it and don’t expect things handed to them on a plate.
Why does the media try to force you to buy this crap?
Ignore everyone and work to your OWN goals. Family comes first and everything else behind them.
Sharie – I remember those couples well!!
You have a great philosophy!
This is a beautiful and moving post. And so timely for me. Thank you!
At what cost? Your making me think again FT! Its a good day for reflection here, the sun is shining, turkey dinner is free at my parents and lots of work to do outside! What a better way to work away and think about what you said. It must be my day of deep thoughts! Its 10:45 am EST and this is the 3rd major idea that’s been present to myself today!
Just been reading the BBC website “Have Your Say” about the Happiness Formula due to be on TV on Wednesday….
Loved this …. (and Alexi by the way!)
“There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.”
Just found a little story I read many years ago which also sums things up for me (it’s a bit long – sorry Frugal) You’ve probably come across it before.
One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.
He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.
About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.
“You aren’t going to catch many fish that way,” said the businessman to the fisherman, “you should be working rather than lying on the beach!”
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, “And what will my reward be?”
“Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!” was the businessman’s answer.
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman, still smiling.
The businessman replied, “You will make money and you’ll be able to buy a boat which will then result in larger catches of fish!”
“And then what will my reward be?” asked the fisherman again.
The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman’s questions.
“You can buy a bigger boat and hire some people to work for you!” he said.
“And then what will my reward be?” repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. “Don’t you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!”
Once again the fisherman asked, “And then what will my reward be?”
The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, “Don’t you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach looking at the sunset. You won’t have a care in the world!”
The fisherman, still smiling, simply looked up, nodded and said: “And what do you think I am doing now?” He then looked at the sunset, with his pole in the water, without a care in the world.
Sandie that made me cry….inspirational
wow, such an inspirational post, thank-you!
in the real world i often feel at odds with the people around me , my goals and idea of happiness is not the same as theirs. it’s so good to find like minded people through blogs, i’ll be back to read more.
what a fantastic post. you’re so right. i am going to file this away for my personal reference.
fab post! (though the first paragraph almost made me flipping cry with frustration!). How anyone can send their child to playgroup sick when it needs a doctor is beyond me (and make the rest of the kids sick as well, so bloody selfish!)
Very true about bbc breakfast. I started watching it every morning because I rarely buy papers (I like to read in bed snuggled down for hours… massive broadsheets don’t correspond with that!) and I didn’t want to feel that I was un-educating myself on the world. In reality it just starts my morning off on a down with pointless non-stories and endless scaremongering about depressions.
Move up here. Scunny itself is rubbish but it’s cheap, the people are in general very nice if rather right wing, and the countryside roundabouts is LOVELY. Come to think of it, writing that out has kinda made me see a better side of it!
~ Sarah (isn’t picky about blog-url publishing, don’t worry
Great post, and I’d agree with all of it.
I wish everyone had such a great sense of perspective as you so early on in their lives. I love my parents to bits but will never be as close to them as I wish I were – when I was a kid they focussed 100% on their jobs, and I was raised by various family members and nannies. I’m not angry at them about it, I know that they did what they thought was best, but being on the receiving end, I know they were wrong and I’m sad that they didn’t see that all I wanted was time with them. Now they’re semi-retired and have everything they need financially but lack so much.
J x
Brilliant post!
Those parents still haven’t grasped it have they? Children grow so very fast and you never get that time back! I was a stay at home Mum for quite a while and don’t regret it for an moment! When I did work I was worrying about them. They are grown now and don’t remember what they did or didn’t have materially but they do remember baking with Mum on rainy days!
Billy and I decided early on that money was not going to be our goal in life. We went back to the land in a little house we built with our own hands and lived like that, with gardens, no animals though for a few years. Finally we had to move back to the city. If the people around you are not living in a basic way, it can be hard for you to do it. No exchanging or helping each other in the neighborhood we were in. So if you decide to do this, remember like minded neightbors are important.
We redid a mobile home we bought for $900 and resold it for $7200 dollars to get a down payment on the land we have now. It took us six months but it was worth the sacrifice. We didn’t spend a lot of money on it but used found or given wood and things,,or slavage to fix it up. We are both artistic by nature, so it turned out really pretty. In this country (USA) we call it sweat equity. LOL…
I have a small but intensive garden and grow herbs. Our home was wiped away with Katrina, so we had to rebuild but we did it. Even at the ages of 57 and 64.
The ones in the family who have money, but never see each other or their kids for that matter, feel sorry for us because we are poor. We have never felt that way. We actually feel sorry for them because they are so driven to have things, they miss the real purpose of living. We live on the beautiful Gulf Coast and I don’t beleive but a few of them have ever walked on the beach, or gone fishing or crabbing like we have. They do buy big boats though and go out once in a blue moon for a day.
I say keep the corporate job until you have bought your house – getting that mortgage is so hard to do these days, if you aren’t earning a comfy full-time wage.
I also say, Beware the Lone Mouse! I suspect he is laying low and will be back, if my own micey experiences are anything to go by.
But everything else, I think you’re bang on! Great post.
what a great post, certainly given me food for thought…..great blog as well, will be linking your blog on mine, hope you don’t mind?
Gill a fellow Brit living in Canada
My personal favorite was #5. Because you know what, it IS a choice. I want to make the choice every day to be happy, find the joy in the small things. We need to work, it’s a part of life, but it shouldn’t be your life.
I gave up watching the soaps a few years ago as they are always so miserable, likewise newspapers. I read a blog called The Happiness Project which has thought provoking posts about happiness research and habits.
Isn’t it sad how easy it is to end up on the money treadmill, societypushed us to value material things and work harder to aquire them. Since being made redundant and no longer having my ( very good) salary I have re-evaluated what is important and it is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Another great post, thnaks.
Fantastically put together. I think I need to start writing down my goals and making a plan like you. You have just reminded me of many things I am doing and lots I should be working towards. I certainly agree that happiness is a choice and it is something that is easily forgotten in today’s society.
You know, it’s probably easier to say that you’re going back to work for the money and harder to admit that you just don’t want to take 6 months or a year off and spend them with a very small child. Not even all the people that want children want to spend 24 hours with them.
I don’t know many people that have taken a whole year off as you only get your old job back if you take 6 months off (otherwise you get a *similar* job).
Plonkee that’s probably true. Interestingly in my organization everyone takes a year, in fact you can have 15 months if you wish and everyone comes back to their job unless they don’t want to. I guess we are very lucky!
Jane writing your goals really does help! Good Luck!
As for many others, this was a timely post for me.
I currently work 3 days/week and have the other 4 with my son who will soon be 3.
I often struggle between career & home. I am ambitious by nature and want to work towards other areas of my business, but I also don’t want to miss out on life with my son.
It’s nice to read little reminders to slow down and enjoy life and stop worrying so much about the future. I am blessed with a good husband, a healthy child and 2 wonderful dogs. We have a nice little house and now are building a cottage in the country. I can’t complain.
Here in Canada, we are also lucky to have the option to take 1 year maternity leave. I must admit that the first 4 months of leave I thought I was going to lose my mind. I hated being home. I’m better with bigger children than babies. I don’t know that I would take the full year if we have another child, but then again I wouldn’t want to lose that time either. I did learn a lot from that experience. Next time around I would stay home more and leave my credit cards at home too. We didn’t prepare enough for that time. I ended up with a big income tax bill for the year off and I ran my credit card up too from boredom. Live & learn….
Frugal, do you have any siblings? If not, how dod you feel about being an only child?
i love your style. well done on a wonderful and successful blog, you deserve it. my family too live simply but happily; we have no debts, have our gardens, our children, our lives and our health and our dreams. we think big and act small, work part time and co parent. it heaven and i always wonder why more people dont do it. it the trap of the ‘stuff’ and insecure selves. modern living has a lot to answer for.
Kel
Again, another fabulous post. Seriously.
Money isn’t everything… I’d love to have 2 or 4 kids, in a regular little home (small so I can clean it easier) and with a regular little job that lets me see my kids at night for dinner/bath/bed and on the weekends without stress
this is beautiful, and i’m the same age as you. good to know there are others out there thinking the exact. same. thing.
What a wonderful, wonderful post. Thank you.
~Corinne