I’ve had so many emails over the last couple of weeks asking for help, people feeling lost, exhausted, drained and hopeless about changing their lives. I have to say I’m no expert, I’m just a girl who realized I was on a path I didn’t want, who had some pretty inspirational little ones who made her see what she really wanted and decided to do something about it. But, while I’m not an expert, I am happy to share what worked for me. This post is about the bigger plan, part II I’ll focus on baby-steps. In the meantime you can read some of my baby-steps here
Initially I made a plan, a plan that would mean I would work for so many years earning so much, saving a certain amount of money each month in order to make my dream come true in 3, 4, 5 + years. I plodded along on that path for a few months and then I realized something, when did it become OK to plan to start living in 3, 4, 5 years? I knew someone who had done this previously, she would only give up work and go part time once they had bought a house, had a full emergency fund, they had their tiny investment property etc, well along the path she also suffered from infertility, it was only after she was made redundant and forced to move that she got pregnant. Their story always stuck with me because it showed me just what a life of working does to the body and the more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want that for my body.
So a few months after I had this “good plan” in place, I decided I didn’t want that plan, I wanted to start living now, this very second, following what I wanted to do, finding out who I was, making a new life that was right for me. I prayed and prayed for strength and determination because I knew no one would understand why I was turning my back on a good career, with nothing waiting in the wings. Was is it scary sometimes, knowing that the emergency fund will only go so far? Yes. Are there fleeting moments where I miss aspects of having a demanding job? Fleeting moments yes, only just. But I have honestly gained a lot more in terms of my long term plans than I ever would of sitting behind a desk, desperately unhappy but doing what is expected of me, waiting for some arbitrary date to come where I allow myself to leave, where I allow myself to then listen to my body, where I allow myself to then start life as I truly want it? No thank you, it is a ransom too great to pay.
On the other-hand I know without children my situation was easier, but children do not make it impossible to downshift, in-fact I think they are the greatest reason to downshift. I’m currently reading a book about a single career woman in London who wanted to adopt, so she moved to a tiny house nearer family, with less money than she has ever had in her life, in order to work part time and parent her son.
The reality is, the more financial demands on your money/time, the harder is it. So here’s the big plan, I’ll share smaller tips in the next post.
1. Stop planning when and look at making it happen now, or within the next year.
2. Stop buying. Full Stop. Newsflash – you don’t “need” new bedding, new furniture, new appliances. You don’t need to replace an ipod if it breaks or even a camera. When you are in debt you need to get out of debt more than anything else.
3. Get out of debt – get creative! Like I said, I’m no expert I’m just a blogger but I would personally sell my car, home etc to get out of debt. My little car is worth £5000, it was bought from a good garage that gave me a 12 month warranty for all repairs & labor, I have no car payment, it is a smaller car that is safe and easy/cheap to run, it gets me from A to C!
4. Learn the difference between need and want. I need a place to live that is safe, clean, welcoming, enjoyable. I used to think that needed to be my own apartment, that cost me £1500 a month including all my bills. I now pay £260 a month including all my bills, sharing in a nice terrace, with a brilliant flatmate, which has afforded me the time to decide what I want to do (teach) and how I’m going to get there. Gone are the expectations people have that I should be able to buy a property, the only expectation I have now is that I expect to find the path that is right for me by focusing on my needs and not wants.
5. Don’t think of yourself as deserving less because you are single or childless or your children have flown the nest. It is just as important to have good physical and mental health now as it is when you are in a relationship or when you are a mum or when your children lived at home.
6. Have a rough idea of where you want to go, but let go of any preconceived ideas that you necessarily can plan how you’ll get there. As a Christian, Proverbs 16:9 helped me “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps“. I know I want to be a mum, I want to adopt. I know I need and deserve a job that I love, that gives me balance. I know I get a great deal of strength from doing what I believe in, what I feel called to do. My course (I hope) is teaching & motherhood – but I certainly don’t know the steps I need to take to get there and I’m OK with that!
7. Really start to understand that how you feel physically effects your mental health. I *know* when I drink water, exercise (even just a 30 min brisk walk), eat low GI foods, get 8 hours sleep a night, I feel emotionally and physically better about any situation, even difficult ones. But when I sit all day, eat fast food, go from work to home without some me time/exercise, I feel weak.
8. Do something for greater good – volunteering with this youth group has most definitely made me see the bigger picture. Life, security, happiness isn’t really isn’t about money. Do you need enough money to know you can feed yourself & your family? Of course! But I challenge us all to think about what enough money is. Go and sponsor a child through World Vision, read those letters the children send and tell me that most of us don’t have enough.
9. Believe in love, forgiveness & faith. Very few people have had ideal childhoods, many people have strained relationships with their parents and siblings. I don’t think you have to forget how they make you feel, pretend to be the best of friends or spend time with people who hurt you emotionally, but when you forgive you release yourself from the pain and move on!
10. Figure out what you really really want in life and make it happen. I feel very blessed to have a friend who is 14 years older than me. She has always wanted motherhood but couldn’t meet the right man. She is now in her early 40’s and won’t consider adopting on her own or fostering or even other means, yet every time I speak with her it is her biggest regret in life, to never be a mum, she cries every time she sees her nephews, that kind of pain taught me something. I have another friend whose always wanted to work abroad, she too is a good decade older than me, but her partner thinks it is nonsense, so she dreams and believes it will never happen. I have news for us all, we have 1 life here on earth; one chance to make a difference in someone’s life, one chance to find our passion, one chance to be who we want to be.
Don’t you owe it to yourself to make it happen?
I know I do.
Now go & figure out what your light is; you’re worth it!
